silviar Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Hi everyone, I'm in a situation where I'm not sure if cutting contact is the right thing to do. Most likely it is but I wanted some outside perspective. My ex and I broke up about 3 months ago after dating for a little over a year. We got along fantastically. We both thought we had found something special and amazing in one another and saw a long future with one another. 4 months before we broke up, my ex started getting increasingly stressed out about life. He started losing his sex drive. He was depressed a lot and admitted to having started having suicidal thoughts every now and then. He started pushing me away and while he told me he still loved me, he was having trouble being affectionate. Something similar had happened about 8 months into our relationship, but it was brief and we got through it okay and bounced back to normal. This time seemed different. All I wanted to be there for him and help in any way I could, but he had gotten pretty withdrawn by this point and both of us were becoming unhappy. After a while of this he told me he had thought about breaking up. He felt miserable all the time, and felt like he was holding me back from being happy. He thought I deserved better and at least if he was miserable without me, I had the chance to find someone else and be happy. I didn't agree with any of this, and I fought to stay together, but he couldn't seem to get past the guilt of "trapping me in the relationship" and besides that, he was unhappy almost all the time. In the end, he couldn't decide if he wanted to stay with me or not, and I made the decision to leave because I couldn't handle sitting around waiting to see if he thought I was worth it or not, especially when I had tried to help and be supportive and more or less been turned away. It was extremely difficult but I felt like I had no other choice. We recently ran into each other and we ended up talking. He said that he strongly suspected he was suffering from depression, and wanted to seek professional help. I guess he has felt intermittently down/depressed for a couple of years now, but he never thought it was a problem because he was able to work through it. We had discussed the possibility before but never too seriously. Anyway, he admitted that he still loved me and wanted to be with me, but not the way he is now. He said that he wants to get better and become happy with himself before he tries with me again (if I even want him), and that he wouldn't be dating other women because, well, he wants to be with me, and he has no interest in dating anyway. He didn't want to tell me in case I had hopes of getting back together, and to be hung up on something that might never happen. He said that all he ever wanted was for me to be happy, and told me to date other men and to not wait around for him. He said he would keep me updated on how he was progressing, if I wanted to hear about it, but would understand if I wanted to cut contact completely. So... besides being kind of blindsided by his recent admissions, because I didn't expect this at all, and wishing he had been able to tell me about it while we were still together, where do I go from here? I'm at a point where I've accepted that we can't be together, and I'm okay with that because I don't see another choice. I'm not going to wait on him, but I'm open to the idea of reconnecting in the future. I also want to be there for him as support (as a friend), because I've known friends with depression and it's a horrible place to be, but I'm not sure that's a good idea either. Link to post Share on other sites
The Poster Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 Well, I'm not sure you can handle being there for support as just a friend. I think that will eat you alive inside. Best thing to do is to just tell him good luck on his journey to overcoming his depression and that you pray for him to get better and find inner peace. All you can do from here is do the things that make you happy and start moving on as if the relationship is over for good. If it's meant to be, it will be. Best of luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author silviar Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 Thanks for your response. You're right -- I can't be there as a friend. As hard as it is it's not my role to be his support any longer. Time to try and move on.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Avante91 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Thanks for your response. You're right -- I can't be there as a friend. As hard as it is it's not my role to be his support any longer. Time to try and move on.. Silviar, I'm a male who has battled depression and anxiety most of my life if you need any advice on how he is thinking or feeling then please get in contact with me. I believe from what you've written he cares about you deeply, he wants to heal himself, he does not want to hurt you or prevent you from happiness. The part about meeting new guys is most likely a bluff, of course it's upto you how you take it and what you do. When he gets professional help he will be a new man. Give him time and space and give yourself time and space. If there are still mutual feelings who knows All my best regards Avante X Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I've spent the last 25 years with my husband who suffers from severe depression. It's been a roller-coaster to say the least. My experience has been very, very hard. I've lost a lot of myself along the way. My husband has had some bad experiences with different medications & the kind, affectionate yet self deprecating man I thought I knew has turned into a verbally abusive "I don't feel anything so I can say & do the cruelest things" nightmare. Over the years depression has been a 'get out of jail free card' frequently played. I love him dearly & honestly believed my support & affection could build his self worth & 'get us through anything'. I fell into the trap of never critising, never dealing with the psychological damage of the past because I feared hurting him & starting another depressive cycle. Depression can be very manipulative. It doesn't just hurt the sufferer it can emotionally cripple the ones who love them. I'm just sharing my life experience. I'm in a very bad place at the moment & I'm sure it's reflected in my post. Your ex is at least doing the right thing & facing his illness. I know that some find the right treatment, become very self aware & recognize when tolerance to the meds is effecting them & seek help before they drag those around them down. I'm a chronic pain sufferer. It would hurt deeply if I read a post like this warning someone to not be romantically involved with anyone with spine damage but I would accept that my illness brings incredible stress & sacrifice to anyone close. Love, life & marriage is never simple. Things aren't black & white. I'm a hapless romantic but I wish I wasn't. Research his condition, look deep inside & really analyse your feelings. Go into this with your eyes wide open if you choose to persue this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ieris Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 You know when someone feels like they're drowning, they don't want to drag the ones they love down with them. I think he is letting you go because he cares about you. You don't have to be his friend if you don't want to but you can always cares for from a distance. Let him get to a better place and I'm sure if he really needs you he will reach out to you. Get on with your own life for now, who knows what will happens further down the line x Link to post Share on other sites
towardthefuture Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I have had depression issues and everyone in my family has as well (runs in my family). I can say........ it blows and it makes you treat your partner badly because you can't get up to help them with whatever, and you're so wrapped up in yourself. If this guy pushed you away in that state he really probably cares about you. Or maybe feels like he doesn't deserve you. Either way, I will tell you this: when I was depressed, I didn't want anyone doing anything for me or telling me to feel better. I wanted someone to say "SNAP OUT OF IT *******, YOU'RE MONEY. GET OUT THERE AND GET EM". Not saying you should say that to this guy. Everyone's different. That said, antidepressants are great, if he's truly depressed you probably don't have to worry much about him partying around town while you're on break. I think reconciliation could be possible. Don't try to heal him. Recipe for disaster ------- for you. Everything you will try will fail and you'll blame him. If I was you I would just say something like, "I understand. I love you and I'm rooting for you." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author silviar Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 Thanks again for all the responses. I think one of the hardest things for me is to separate what stems from his depression and what stems from how he actually thinks and feels, if that makes any sense. I've been reading more about depression and I do feel that it played a major role. But I also think that you can't blame everything on the illness, and it's something I've been mulling over. I definitely know I can't "fix" him. It hurts not to be able to help but I know this is something he has to fight on his own. I do still love him, and as much as I would like to believe he'll get better some day and we can be together again, I have to move on with my life. It's one thing to say that, though, and another to do it! Avante -- I would definitely love to hear your perspective. How do I send a private message? ShatteredLady -- I'm sorry to hear about your difficult experiences and what you've had to go through. But thank you for also presenting the other side of the coin. Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnamonstix Posted March 26, 2015 Share Posted March 26, 2015 I think depression also caused a lot of changes in my relationship as well, so you're not alone. My ex said similar things, like that he loved me but couldn't give me what I needed RIGHT NOW and needed to work on this by himself. I think using words like "right now" was sort of hinting at a possible reconciliation down the line but they don't want to get your hopes up Link to post Share on other sites
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