Depression... oh the emptiness!

[MissLilly]

Sometimes I think I was born depressed. I remember feeling "sad" for no reason since I was very very little.

 

This followed me through all my life, and right now, after all these years and with the shallow wisdom life brought me (i'm still young tho), nothing it has to do with sadness.

 

Oh the emptiness!

 

Feeling empty is maybe the most painful thing. The inability of feeling rage for this condition and change. The lack of PASSION for life to give another step. The terrible feeling I'm just alive because some people still loves me and I can't disappoint them by disappearing for good.

 

And would disappear from this world ever heal my soul?

 

Who knows? Nobody came back yet to tell the truth.

 

I failed so much. Career, relationships, family... can't have children of my own. Can't be or find healthy partners to stay with, to grow old with. Was, and will always be the same, giving it all to keep people by my side (friends, family members, partners), until I totally lost myself. Boundaries? I have none, I would do anything to be loved and taken care of at least once because I took care of them all all my life.

 

Too insecure to use my own intelligence (i'm bilingual and have a degree in arts). Too afraid to let people know me. Seeing my average beauty vanishing day after day. Seeing my once hopeful soul becoming hopeless every time the clock ticks.

 

My pills are not working. Still, they all think I have anything but MILD depression. I don't believe them. How do you explain the EMPTINESS? That never goes away?

 

Do they really know? Feel? Is this chemical like they say? Is this lack of God, lack of religion, faith?

 

Nobody can tell because we are all too busy right now with our own lives to look at anything else. Yeah, me included. But i sympathize with you who feels like me.

 

I feel nothing, but still feel love. Oh well. I miss what I never had, never felt, never experienced. I miss things I never dream having... just because I think I could have them, but still can't.

 

Oh, the emptiness...

[Satu]

To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To be forgiven, be forgiving.

To be helped, be helpful.

To find friendship, be friendly.

To be understood, be understanding.

To be happy, be happy with what you have to be happy with.

 

Etc.

[Timshel]

For me, depression feels like being underwater, tethered there. Looking up to the surface and seeing the sun, light sparkling on it, wanting to reach it.

 

I know that reality is what you perceive it to be. That a change in myself is a change of perception. There is a reason you will never see a depressed narcissist or sociopath. They lack the ability to see anything intolerable in themselves. They perceive nothing but interpret everything in support of themselves.

 

Satu's post is the best to aspire. Even if you fake it till you make it. When you are in this state of depression you have to tell yourself that your perception is skewed, that your mind is not working to it's best benefit. Reach for the surface until unshackled. A mind trick. The strength of depression is your trust in it. I do know that everything is filtered through this mind-f***, and challenging it takes a tremendous amount of perseverance.

 

Please don't give up and do keep seeking a therapy that works for you.

[MissLilly]

To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To be forgiven, be forgiving.

To be helped, be helpful.

To find friendship, be friendly.

To be understood, be understanding.

To be happy, be happy with what you have to be happy with.

 

Etc.

 

I did. You can call me a doormat. I'm a better listener than talker. But today, when I needed, I got shut off (i'm sorry, i drank a lot of beer, knowing it is wrong even under meds so forgive my spelling). I so know this you said... i'm just tired of being the doormat, the friendly shoulder, but NEVER have one to help me when i need.

 

"deal with your ****ty past then" was the last thing the so called BEST FRIEND said. Even after hours, thousands, of me listening and trying to bring him up. Never would say this to him, never would put him down like that.

 

I'm better dead, I shouldn't drink but not even this I'm being able to handle.