my fiance

[rachel]

My finance and I were to marry this past dec. He got scared and called it off. We still went on our honeymooon to see if thngs could be resolved. He says he has lost the passion. We had a lovely hoilday(no sex) I tried but he was not interested. I had to go out of town shortly after we returned. Before I left he said he still wanted to ge married. When I returned from my trip, he left a letter for me sayng he has moved out. Has a p.o.box and I can telephone him at work or on his cell phone.

 

We have been together for eight years. This is so hard. We own a home together, have two little dogs and I feel as if he just ran without any answers. I have spoken with him a few times, he rings and leaves messages to see how I am doing. He says he doesn't know what he wants and he is not sure if he is coming back. He said he thinks I should start dating and he will do the same.

 

I love him more than anything and can't understand what happened. If I give him his space do you think he will come back? Why would someone do this? How can I get him to miss me and realize Iam the one?

[rachel]

My finance and I were to marry this past

dec. He got scared and called it off. We still went on our honeymooon to see if thngs could be resolved. He says he has lost the passion. We had a lovely hoilday(no sex) I tried but he was not interested. I had to go out of town shortly after we returned. Before I left he said he still wanted to ge married. When I returned from my trip, he left a letter for me sayng he has moved out. Has a p.o.box and I can telephone him at work or on his cell phone. We have been together for eight years. This is so hard. We own a home together, have two little dogs and I feel as if he just ran without any answers. I have spoken with him a few times, he rings and leaves messages to see how I am doing. He says he doesn't know what he wants and he is not sure if he is coming back. He said he thinks I should start dating and he will do the same.

 

I love him more than anything and can't understand what happened. If I give him his space do you think he will come back? Why would someone do this? How can I get him to miss me and realize Iam the one?

[Laurynn]

Oh man, I am so very sorry. This is one of the saddest things I've read lately. My heart really goes out to you.

 

After 8 years together, this man was nothing but a cowardly scoundrel for doing what he's done to you. It makes me really angry. For him to *tell* you before you left to go out of town, that he still wanted to get married...then to move out while you were gone.....that is the epitome of sh*tty and disrespectful.

 

If you want to know my honest thoughts, I have to tell you that it seems to me like he met someone else a while back, and he's seeing that person now. Here's why I think this:

 

**he called off the wedding

 

**no sex while on a romantic vacation/he says he felt no passion

 

**he moves out while you're gone

 

**he gave you his work # (like you didn't already know that), his CELL number but not a residential number!! How convenient!!

 

**he gives you a FLIPPING Box # instead of an actual address(gee, wonder where he's living?)

 

**the fact that he 'encouraged' you to start dating others, saying he would too

 

So he hasn't told you WHERE he's living now?

 

I'm sorry to say but there really isn't a way to MAKE him miss your, nor is there a way for you to MAKE him realize that 'you're the one'....

 

Did he ever cheat on you while you were together? Any suspicious behavior for a few months before all this? (being secretive about where he was going, late nights at work, new wardrobe, acting distant, etc etc???)

 

I realize this is the least of your concerns right now, seeing how this is all so recent...but seeing how you own a home together, what's going to happen with that? Your name is on the Title/Mortgage too? Can you afford to make the mortgage payment by yourself? (that doesn't seem fair)

 

Do you have any joint bank accounts? Credit cards?

 

Just out of curiosity, who paid for that vacation?

 

If I were you, and I know this is going to be very hard....I'd break of ALL contact with him until such times as he acts like a freaking man and gives you the honest truth as to all this......he owes you that much. Don't help to 'ease his guilt' by taking his phonecalls, where he calls to make sure you're okay. Screw him! If he cared how you were doing, he wouldn't have left you high and dry, without a freaking explanation.

 

Ask him why he has a P.O. Box number, would love to hear his explanation for that.

 

My only advice to you, would be to find yourself a counsellor or therapist.....you need someone who can help you through this.......you have so much on your plate. Loss, grief, confusion, probably feeling somehow like a failure, being heartbroken, etc. If you're not going to get any answers from him, you're going to need the support of someone (and friends and family too, if you have them) to help you deal with the fact that you don't have answers.

 

By the way, what ages are you?

 

Do you have friends and family nearby who can help you through this tough time?

 

Please provide more info.....and come back here ANY time you need to get things off your chest, okay?

 

Hugs,

 

Laurynn

[sparkle]

Dear Rachel,

 

I agree with Laurynn and am wondering the same questions.

 

I know this is a difficult time for you, especially since you two have been together for 8 years. From what I've seen personally, many relationships that go on so long tend to seem like they're just dragging on, and one partner's feelings start changing. One reason is that he starts getting bored because he's so used to the same routine; he becomes too comfortable with it. And because it's boring, he starts losing interest. And when this happens, the passion and romance starts fading away. And he starts becoming curious and wondering what else is out there or if he can do better.

 

But there are so many other reasons for why this happened and why he did this. You will drive yourself totally insane if you try to figure out exactly what caused this. Don't waste time analyzing this relationship any longer, as hard as it may be to do so.

 

You said, "How can I get him to miss me and realize Iam the one?"

 

Unfortunately, you can't make him do, think, or feel anything. You can't make him miss you. You can't make him realize that you're the one. It is extremely important that you understand this. He is the only one in charge of his actions and feelings.

 

You need to stop all contact with him. If you have any finances etc to settle, do so right away and then basically tell him to get lost. Tell him not to call you anymore. Tell him you don't want to talk to him again. Don't be afraid to be mean to him. Don't be afraid that it may hurt his feelings by telling him this. Remember, he's the one that hurt yours.

 

If he tries to call you or wants to stay in touch, tell him NO. Don't cry or whine or try to discuss the relationship or his feelings or his reasoning behind this. End your relationship with him completely by ending all contact.

 

If you do this, it will heal your pain more quickly. It will be easier for you to get over him this way. At first, it will be very painful and you will miss him very much. Then you will start thinking about all the good times you had. But each time, remember that since he did such a thing to hurt you like this, he must not be such a great guy after all. Remember that he already moved on by ending the relationship, so you have to start doing so too. Soon, you will be able to turn all that sadness into anger, which will help you get over him more quickly.

 

You need a good shoulder to cry on. Now is the time to get in touch with your friends and family and strengthen old friendships. Now is the time to make yourself busy in order to keep your mind off of him. Now is when you need to start thinking about yourself and your own happiness and your own needs. Pampering yourself, spending more time with friends or working on your hobbies/interests is a good way to start the healing process.

 

Take care of yourself, Rachel.

[Tony T]

Laurynn and sparkle are correct here. In many ways, this is sad but you have been spared some very serious heartbreak. This man was very honest with you. The timing for a break-up is never good. I think he's trying to be a nice as he possibly can under the circumstances. He is embarassed and confused. But he is certain this is not the direction he wants to go in.

 

Yes, it is extremely painful. But at the same time, you have to realize that you are only experiencing a fraction of the pain you would feel if you had married him, had a few children and he would have moved on at that time.

 

You do not want a man back in your life who has done this. He message is clear. Proceed to dispose of all real and personal properties you own together. Keeping those things unresolved will keep you stuck in this for a long time. If you like the house, see if you can buy his half. The memories there may warrant the two of you just selling it outright.

 

I am truly sorry...but later on you will see this as a blessing.

[iggy]

oh it makes me sad,it's very difficult when long term realtionships break off,my b/f and i went through the same thing, it is now 1 yr later and i'am just beginning to feel good about myself and live life for me, he moved in with a girl 3 months after we split and ouch, that hurt, i put myself in therapy, and is the greatest gift i've given myself,i cried, couldn't eat , couldn't sleep.we had issues..like everyone and i thought it was just part of being in a longterm realtionship , but now i know better, because i've taken the time to understand what i will and won't accept in a realtionship... hang in there girl, it gets better, i advise you not to get involved with anyone for several months, unlike him, this has only set him further behind and will catch up with him...just watch , one never really knows, he could be really messed up and miserably unhappy and aren;t you glad your not a part of that???

Dear Rachel, I agree with Laurynn and am wondering the same questions. I know this is a difficult time for you, especially since you two have been together for 8 years. From what I've seen personally, many relationships that go on so long tend to seem like they're just dragging on, and one partner's feelings start changing. One reason is that he starts getting bored because he's so used to the same routine; he becomes too comfortable with it. And because it's boring, he starts losing interest. And when this happens, the passion and romance starts fading away. And he starts becoming curious and wondering what else is out there or if he can do better. But there are so many other reasons for why this happened and why he did this. You will drive yourself totally insane if you try to figure out exactly what caused this. Don't waste time analyzing this relationship any longer, as hard as it may be to do so. You said, "How can I get him to miss me and realize Iam the one?" Unfortunately, you can't make him do, think, or feel anything. You can't make him miss you. You can't make him realize that you're the one. It is extremely important that you understand this. He is the only one in charge of his actions and feelings. You need to stop all contact with him. If you have any finances etc to settle, do so right away and then basically tell him to get lost. Tell him not to call you anymore. Tell him you don't want to talk to him again. Don't be afraid to be mean to him. Don't be afraid that it may hurt his feelings by telling him this. Remember, he's the one that hurt yours. If he tries to call you or wants to stay in touch, tell him NO. Don't cry or whine or try to discuss the relationship or his feelings or his reasoning behind this. End your relationship with him completely by ending all contact. If you do this, it will heal your pain more quickly. It will be easier for you to get over him this way. At first, it will be very painful and you will miss him very much. Then you will start thinking about all the good times you had. But each time, remember that since he did such a thing to hurt you like this, he must not be such a great guy after all. Remember that he already moved on by ending the relationship, so you have to start doing so too. Soon, you will be able to turn all that sadness into anger, which will help you get over him more quickly. You need a good shoulder to cry on. Now is the time to get in touch with your friends and family and strengthen old friendships. Now is the time to make yourself busy in order to keep your mind off of him. Now is when you need to start thinking about yourself and your own happiness and your own needs. Pampering yourself, spending more time with friends or working on your hobbies/interests is a good way to start the healing process. Take care of yourself, Rachel.

[rachel]

5-March-2001

 

Dear Laurynn,

 

Thank you for writing back. It's funny you should ask about strange behaviour. He did start working later and missing dinner, Before I left we went to but two new suits for him. We are supposed to be going on another holiday this coming may. So I thought they were for that. Over the past year I have found strange emails, I also found out that he had a private telephone line, where you leave a mesage and if a girl likes what she hears she leaves a message. When i found this he said it was cancelled and that he was just curious about it and had heared about this service over the radio.

 

He has a guy friend who dumded his wife for another girl and now has split up with the new girlfriend and so my ex has said he is staying with steve until he finds his own place. Steve by the way is a jerk and my ex does what ever this guy tells him. It's so bizzard. My ex is 39 and I am 35.

 

We met when I was in England and had a long distance relationship for awhile. I moved here five years ago. Enrolled into university and have two more years to go. All the money I had i put into this house. I trusted him and believed in our future together. I never questioned why he always going out with his friends. I honestly thought we were a soild couple. I know guys like their guy time. I think I was too easy going. Everything was fine until recently. His eldest brother passed away suddenly from cancer, he was 40 at the time. Two years ago now. He had a wife and two sets of twins. ages 2 and 4. Anyway, my ex took it hard. is wife has since remarried and moved on with her life.

 

I feel as if we are left still picking up the pieces. Because of his brothers death, my ex said started chatting with people on the internet and slowly he became distance and shut me out. Mind you, I had no idea he was doing this until I started to find strange messages on our email. He denied everything and would refuse to talk about anything.

 

I thought we had finally put this behind us and were ready to move on. Why else would he ask me to marry him? Financially, I was stupid. I never in a millions years thought this would happen. Would you believe I told him not to put my name on the title because I wanted to prove to him that I trusted him and our relationship. I thought after we were married he would do it automatically.

 

Your are right about not speaking with him. Unfortunately, I spoke with him last night. (before reading your message) which I am very grateful for. I asked him if he was seeing anyone he said no He is too busy with work. He did say he just fell out of love with me and couldn't enjoy having sex with me. Before his brother pasted away, we have a terrific sex life. Now he says there is just no passion. He was the one who paid for our hoilday. I thought it was a cool hoilday and I didn't push the sex issue because I was tried of being pushed away and I thought I would make him want me.

 

Needless to say, that never happen. Yet he still wanted to get married. Which brings you up to date because as you know, I have just returned from three weeks away. only to find a note saing he has moved out. Do you know, the night before I was leaving I asked him if he would come home and have dinner with me. He said he would try but didn't come home until 11:30 that evening. I was asleep by this time. To make matters worse he decided to leave that morning at 5:45am for work. He never goes to the office that early. He just wanted to avoid me which stills hurts deeply. It's funny, the day before I left he sent me a dozen red roses with a card wishing me a happy valentines day.

 

When he couldn't bother to come home and spend a little time with me before I left, I decided to throw the roses in the rubbish bin, tore up his card and left for the airport. While I was away, I thought he would be waiting for me at the airport upon my return saying how sorry he was. What a fool I am. Yet, I still foolishly believe he is going to come to his senses and come back. I am truly pathetic!

 

I do thank you for your advice, I feel lost and heavy hearted. I can't sleep or eat. I didn't know what else to do to make sense of all this. This is why I wrote, isn't it funny I would have never thought about seeking advice on the internet had my ex not told me about his need to find people to speak with. Mind you, I'm sure it wasn't to talk about his problems.

 

I can't believe I've unloaded all of this onto you. I apologize but could really use a friend with some advice.

 

Thanking you kindly,

 

Rachel

 

Oh man, I am so very sorry. This is one of

the saddest things I've read lately. My heart really goes out to you. After 8 years together, this man was nothing but a cowardly scoundrel for doing what he's done to you. It makes me really angry. For him to *tell* you before you left to go out of town, that he still wanted to get married...then to move out while you were gone.....that is the epitome of sh*tty and disrespectful. If you want to know my honest thoughts, I have to tell you that it seems to me like he met someone else a while back, and he's seeing that person now. Here's why I think this: **he called off the wedding **no sex while on a romantic vacation/he says he felt no passion **he moves out while you're gone **he gave you his work # (like you didn't already know that), his CELL number but not a residential number!! How convenient!! **he gives you a FLIPPING Box # instead of an actual address(gee, wonder where he's living?)

 

**the fact that he 'encouraged' you to start dating others, saying he would too So he hasn't told you WHERE he's living now?

 

I'm sorry to say but there really isn't a way to MAKE him miss your, nor is there a way for you to MAKE him realize that 'you're the one'....

 

Did he ever cheat on you while you were together? Any suspicious behavior for a few months before all this? (being secretive about where he was going, late nights at work, new wardrobe, acting distant, etc etc???) I realize this is the least of your concerns right now, seeing how this is all so recent...but seeing how you own a home together, what's going to happen with that? Your name is on the Title/Mortgage too? Can you afford to make the mortgage payment by yourself? (that doesn't seem fair) Do you have any joint bank accounts? Credit cards? Just out of curiosity, who paid for that vacation? If I were you, and I know this is going to be very hard....I'd break of ALL contact with him until such times as he acts like a freaking man and gives you the honest truth as to all this......he owes you that much. Don't help to 'ease his guilt' by taking his phonecalls, where he calls to make sure you're okay. Screw him! If he cared how you were doing, he wouldn't have left you high and dry, without a freaking explanation. Ask him why he has a P.O. Box number, would love to hear his explanation for that. My only advice to you, would be to find yourself a counsellor or therapist.....you need someone who can help you through this.......you have so much on your plate. Loss, grief, confusion, probably feeling somehow like a failure, being heartbroken, etc. If you're not going to get any answers from him, you're going to need the support of someone (and friends and family too, if you have them) to help you deal with the fact that you don't have answers. By the way, what ages are you? Do you have friends and family nearby who can help you through this tough time? Please provide more info.....and come back here ANY time you need to get things off your chest, okay? Hugs, Laurynn

[rachel]

Dear Iggy,

 

Thank you for writing back. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me that people have taken the time to answer my letter. I have never done this before and feel so alone. I shall do my best to cut off all contact. He rang yesterday to ask if he could pick up whatever post had not been forwarded. At the same time, his sister stopped round to say heelo. My ex has asked me not to say anything to his family. So when his sister came to visit my ex was just picking up his post from the door step. As it turns out, I ended up actually seeing and trying to act as if nothing was wrong. He left with his sister and saying a nonchalant goodbye. I was so crushed by his actions. I must have gone through a box of tissues. I didn't sleep and wondered how it could be so easy for a person to not feel anything after all those years together, building this house etc.

 

I really just want to thank you for letting me talk and for listening. It means the world too me.

 

Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

I agree with Laurynn and am wondering the same questions. I know this is a difficult time for you, especially since you two have been together for 8 years. From what I've seen personally, many relationships that go on so long tend to seem like they're just dragging on, and one partner's feelings start changing. One reason is that he starts getting bored because he's so used to the same routine; he becomes too comfortable with it. And because it's boring, he starts losing interest. And when this happens, the passion and romance starts fading away. And he starts becoming curious and wondering what else is out there or if he can do better. But there are so many other reasons for why this happened and why he did this. You will drive yourself totally insane if you try to figure out exactly what caused this. Don't waste time analyzing this relationship any longer, as hard as it may be to do so. You said, "How can I get him to miss me and realize Iam the one?" Unfortunately, you can't make him do, think, or feel anything. You can't make him miss you. You can't make him realize that you're the one. It is extremely important that you understand this. He is the only one in charge of his actions and feelings. You need to stop all contact with him. If you have any finances etc to settle, do so right away and then basically tell him to get lost. Tell him not to call you anymore. Tell him you don't want to talk to him again. Don't be afraid to be mean to him. Don't be afraid that it may hurt his feelings by telling him this. Remember, he's the one that hurt yours. If he tries to call you or wants to stay in touch, tell him NO. Don't cry or whine or try to discuss the relationship or his feelings or his reasoning behind this. End your relationship with him completely by ending all contact. If you do this, it will heal your pain more quickly. It will be easier for you to get over him this way. At first, it will be very painful and you will miss him very much. Then you will start thinking about all the good times you had. But each time, remember that since he did such a thing to hurt you like this, he must not be such a great guy after all. Remember that he already moved on by ending the relationship, so you have to start doing so too. Soon, you will be able to turn all that sadness into anger, which will help you get over him more quickly. You need a good shoulder to cry on. Now is the time to get in touch with your friends and family and strengthen old friendships. Now is the time to make yourself busy in order to keep your mind off of him. Now is when you need to start thinking about yourself and your own happiness and your own needs. Pampering yourself, spending more time with friends or working on your hobbies/interests is a good way to start the healing process. Take care of yourself, Rachel.

[rachel]

Dear sparkel,

 

Thank you ever so much for your kind response. I have answeredthe questions you were wondering about in Laurynn's reply. I feel really daft for being so naive. I never saw this coming . This is why I am so beside myself. Yet, I still wish he would wake up and realize his actions. I shall do my best to get through this mess. I am grateful knowing I have someone out there who really cares. It makes me feel as if I am not so alone. You see, all my friends are his friends because mine are in the Uk. It makes it difficult to speak with "our friends" because they are really his friends and my ex doesn't want anyone to know.

 

Thank you for being there.

 

with my kindest regards,

 

Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

I agree with Laurynn and am wondering the same questions. I know this is a difficult time for you, especially since you two have been together for 8 years. From what I've seen personally, many relationships that go on so long tend to seem like they're just dragging on, and one partner's feelings start changing. One reason is that he starts getting bored because he's so used to the same routine; he becomes too comfortable with it. And because it's boring, he starts losing interest. And when this happens, the passion and romance starts fading away. And he starts becoming curious and wondering what else is out there or if he can do better. But there are so many other reasons for why this happened and why he did this. You will drive yourself totally insane if you try to figure out exactly what caused this. Don't waste time analyzing this relationship any longer, as hard as it may be to do so. You said, "How can I get him to miss me and realize Iam the one?" Unfortunately, you can't make him do, think, or feel anything. You can't make him miss you. You can't make him realize that you're the one. It is extremely important that you understand this. He is the only one in charge of his actions and feelings. You need to stop all contact with him. If you have any finances etc to settle, do so right away and then basically tell him to get lost. Tell him not to call you anymore. Tell him you don't want to talk to him again. Don't be afraid to be mean to him. Don't be afraid that it may hurt his feelings by telling him this. Remember, he's the one that hurt yours. If he tries to call you or wants to stay in touch, tell him NO. Don't cry or whine or try to discuss the relationship or his feelings or his reasoning behind this. End your relationship with him completely by ending all contact. If you do this, it will heal your pain more quickly. It will be easier for you to get over him this way. At first, it will be very painful and you will miss him very much. Then you will start thinking about all the good times you had. But each time, remember that since he did such a thing to hurt you like this, he must not be such a great guy after all. Remember that he already moved on by ending the relationship, so you have to start doing so too. Soon, you will be able to turn all that sadness into anger, which will help you get over him more quickly. You need a good shoulder to cry on. Now is the time to get in touch with your friends and family and strengthen old friendships. Now is the time to make yourself busy in order to keep your mind off of him. Now is when you need to start thinking about yourself and your own happiness and your own needs. Pampering yourself, spending more time with friends or working on your hobbies/interests is a good way to start the healing process. Take care of yourself, Rachel.

[rachel]

Dear Tony,

 

Thank you for your response. It's nice to have a mans perspective and I value your advise. I just don't understand why my ex can just proceed as if he has no responsibility for this. I feel as if I am left to pick-up the pieces, while he can move on and forget about all the years invested together. How can a man just fall out of love with someone? As difficult as it is, you are right about having this happen now rather than later. Why doesn't he want to try and make it work? How can it be so easy to throw away everthing we worked so hard for? I don't want to drive you nuts with my questions. I just don't understand how he can walk away without a care in the world.

 

Thank you for taking the time to listen to me and for your advice. I appreciate it more than you know, even as hard as it is to accept.

 

With my kindest regards,

 

Rachel

 

Laurynn and sparkle are correct here. In

many ways, this is sad but you have been spared some very serious heartbreak. This man was very honest with you. The timing for a break-up is never good. I think he's trying to be a nice as he possibly can under the circumstances. He is embarassed and confused. But he is certain this is not the direction he wants to go in. Yes, it is extremely painful. But at the same time, you have to realize that you are only experiencing a fraction of the pain you would feel if you had married him, had a few children and he would have moved on at that time. You do not want a man back in your life who has done this. He message is clear. Proceed to dispose of all real and personal properties you own together. Keeping those things unresolved will keep you stuck in this for a long time. If you like the house, see if you can buy his half. The memories there may warrant the two of you just selling it outright. I am truly sorry...but later on you will see this as a blessing.

[Stan]

I have but one thing to say . . . he "doesn't want his friends / family to know" . . . ?!?!?

 

Too F'ing bad. When he moved out he made his decision and he no longer has the right to ask anything from you (especially when he's asking something ONLY for his own benefit).

 

If you feel like calling 'his' friends, go ahead. Chances are they think he's an arsehole (is that how you say it) as well!!

 

Good luck!

[Miss Mojo]

hi rachel,

 

i have read your post (and my heart goes out to you) and everyone else's replies, and i couldn't agree more with what they said.

 

i think iggy made an excellent point when she stated, "he's so messed up right now, and aren't you glad you're not a part of that". that one particular comment really struck me. it is so true. and even though it's probably hard to think it right now, you are so lucky you are out of this relationship NOW and not after the marriage. things would have become progressively worse and a lot more painful.

 

i noted your comment: I feel really daft for being so naive. I never saw this coming . This is why I am so beside myself.

 

you are not daft at all and you haven't been naive. when things appear to be going great, that's exactly what you see. there is no reason to see anything else. i know what it's like to not see the breakdown of a relationship coming. sometimes the signs were so small, you wouldn't have noticed them. sometimes, there are no signs. my ex left me around 5 months ago - something i did not see coming at all. like you, i loved him more than anything. he was always the one to talk about a future with me and he treated me so fantastic throughout our relationship. i was beside myself when he left me (he had things going on his head, it was for the best, i now realise). i cried myself to sleep so many times, and cried so much you could have swum through my tears. basically, i felt like i had been hit by a freight train.

 

trust me rachel, you are not alone. you can come here anytime when things feel tough for you. if you want someone to talk to, or to get things off your chest, email me at <e-mail address removed> - by the way, your friends are in the uk? which country are you in now?

 

don't feel you have to battle through this on your own because you don't. there is always someone out there willing to listen, and plenty of people who care.

 

[Laurynn]

First things first.....being from Canada, I'm not sure what the laws are there regarding living "common law" (together) and what a person's rights are in terms of division of property/assets when the relationship ends. Here in Canada, once you've lived together for 6 months, you are legally entitled to get back whatever money you put into something (home, car, business, etc). You seriously should consider finding an attorney who deals with family/divorce litigation.....as they would know the details for your situation. I don't know about the U.S., but here, many lawyers will give you a free 30 consultation (whether by phone or in their office). YOu really need to find out your rights. I would hate to see you lose this house all because your name isn't on the title. I would also hate to see you continue to live there, paying the mortgage payments, only for him to come back and kick you out because it's HIS HOUSE (that you're helping to pay off). Please, speak with someone regarding this. What state are you in? (maybe Tony or someone knows of a site that gives some basic legal info for this kind of situation, for your particular state, though seeing a lawyer would be best).

 

Going from two incomes to one, when it comes to paying a mortgage can be tough....are you able to afford to live here by yourself?

 

Has he not even mentioned anything about this, like whether he wants you to move out, etc? Though I guess if he's rooming with his pal, it's free for him there, and there you are paying HIS mortgage payment..what more could a jerk ask for !!

 

I am really sorry that you're going through this. I wish there was something I could say to lessen your grief and sadness :-(

 

It really does sound like he was up to no good in the past..with that private phone line, the emails, new clothes, getting up early for work/getting home late.......

 

Please consider talking to a therapist or counsellor.....you really need someone to talk to in person.......cuz you have a lot of pain to work through, plus feelings of abandonment. If you're like me, any time I've gone through a painful breakup, I can't eat/sleep/concentrate on anything.......and I end up getting very run down. Please try your best to eat well, and take some good multi-vitamins.....and to help you sleep, go to a health food store and get yourself some Valerian Root, or Melatonin......sleep is soooo important when you're stressed and upset. You have to take care of YOU.

 

Please feel free to come and post here ANY TIME!!!......to share your feelings, hurts, frustrations.....to get feedback, to vent, anything. That's what we're here for. We DO care, okay?!

 

Laurynn

 

<e-mail address removed> (email me if you care to)

[Laurynn]

I couldn't agree more with Stan! To hell with him, that he doesn't want his precious friends to know what a sh*thead he's been. That's just swell.....the guy breaks your heart, leaves you high and dry, fully aware that your friend are on another continent....but you're not supposed to talk to his friends about this? What a selfish bastard. Why keep this a secret? I mean, that makes no sense. They're going to find out sooner or later! The reason he doesn't want you to tell them is because he probably knows damn well that they'll think he was a stupid ass. I'm not saying you should go and purposely badmouth him, not at all.....but if you had friendships with these people, call the ones you were closest to........go out for lunch or dinner, to the movies, out for coffee........you need friends right now TOO!!

 

You need to keep as busy as you can.......and spending lots of time in the home that you two shared, that is going to make it all the more difficult and painful.

 

Laurynn

[rachel]

6-March-2001

 

Thank you ! Thank you! Thank you! I had know idea and shall start looking tomorrow. I am in Southern California. Thank you as well for your e-mail address:) I feel very lucky to have met you. I know this sounds strange, but I am so grateful for all your advice.

 

Sincerely,

 

Rachel

First things first.....being from Canada, I'm not sure what the laws are there regarding living "common law" (together) and what a person's rights are in terms of division of property/assets when the relationship ends. Here in Canada, once you've lived together for 6 months, you are legally entitled to get back whatever money you put into something (home, car, business, etc). You seriously should consider finding an attorney who deals with family/divorce litigation.....as they would know the details for your situation. I don't know about the U.S., but here, many lawyers will give you a free 30 consultation (whether by phone or in their office). YOu really need to find out your rights. I would hate to see you lose this house all because your name isn't on the title. I would also hate to see you continue to live there, paying the mortgage payments, only for him to come back and kick you out because it's HIS HOUSE (that you're helping to pay off). Please, speak with someone regarding this. What state are you in? (maybe Tony or someone knows of a site that gives some basic legal info for this kind of situation, for your particular state, though seeing a lawyer would be best). Going from two incomes to one, when it comes to paying a mortgage can be tough....are you able to afford to live here by yourself? Has he not even mentioned anything about this, like whether he wants you to move out, etc? Though I guess if he's rooming with his pal, it's free for him there, and there you are paying HIS mortgage payment..what more could a jerk ask for !! I am really sorry that you're going through this. I wish there was something I could say to lessen your grief and sadness :-( It really does sound like he was up to no good in the past..with that private phone line, the emails, new clothes, getting up early for work/getting home late....... Please consider talking to a therapist or counsellor.....you really need someone to talk to in person.......cuz you have a lot of pain to work through, plus feelings of abandonment. If you're like me, any time I've gone through a painful breakup, I can't eat/sleep/concentrate on anything.......and I end up getting very run down. Please try your best to eat well, and take some good multi-vitamins.....and to help you sleep, go to a health food store and get yourself some Valerian Root, or Melatonin......sleep is soooo important when you're stressed and upset. You have to take care of YOU. Please feel free to come and post here ANY TIME!!!......to share your feelings, hurts, frustrations.....to get feedback, to vent, anything. That's what we're here for. We DO care, okay?! Laurynn <e-mail address removed> (email me if you care to)

[rachel]

Thank you for your support! It's amazing, I was just going to accept his request. But you are right, he is only doing this to benefit himself! Yes, that's how we say it:) and you put a smile on my face.

 

Ta ever so...

 

Rachel

I have but one thing to say . . . he "doesn't want his friends / family to know" . . . ?!?!? Too F'ing bad. When he moved out he made his decision and he no longer has the right to ask anything from you (especially when he's asking something ONLY for his own benefit). If you feel like calling 'his' friends, go ahead. Chances are they think he's an arsehole (is that how you say it) as well!! Good luck!

[rachel]

Thanks ever so much for being here for me!!! I would be out of my mind had I not spoken with you! I can't believe how spot on you are about how I am feeling. One day at a time and keep busy. I am trying, all I can say is I'm glad you guys are here to talk with me! You're my sanity at the moment. As well as helping me to sort through all this emotional stuff.

 

Sincerely,

 

Rachel

I couldn't agree more with Stan! To hell with him, that he doesn't want his precious friends to know what a sh*thead he's been. That's just swell.....the guy breaks your heart, leaves you high and dry, fully aware that your friend are on another continent....but you're not supposed to talk to his friends about this? What a selfish bastard. Why keep this a secret? I mean, that makes no sense. They're going to find out sooner or later! The reason he doesn't want you to tell them is because he probably knows damn well that they'll think he was a stupid ass. I'm not saying you should go and purposely badmouth him, not at all.....but if you had friendships with these people, call the ones you were closest to........go out for lunch or dinner, to the movies, out for coffee........you need friends right now TOO!!

 

You need to keep as busy as you can.......and spending lots of time in the home that you two shared, that is going to make it all the more difficult and painful. Laurynn

[rachel]

Thank you for your kind letter! your e-mail address and support. I am in Southern California. I can relate to crying so many tears. On sunday night, I cried so much I couldn't breathe through my nose. I went through an entire box of tissues. My nose hurts and my silly eyes are so swollen. I feel aweful that you had to experience

 

something similar to what I am dealing with. You sound very positive and happy. I look forward to that day. At the moment, I feel sick and very lost. I appreciate all your advice. I would be lost had I not somehow found this advice line. I feel as if I have friends who really care and I am grateful too you and everyone else.

 

Sincerely,

 

Rachel

 

hi rachel,

i have read your post (and my heart goes out to you) and everyone else's replies, and i couldn't agree more with what they said. i think iggy made an excellent point when she stated, "he's so messed up right now, and aren't you glad you're not a part of that". that one particular comment really struck me. it is so true. and even though it's probably hard to think it right now, you are so lucky you are out of this relationship NOW and not after the marriage. things would have become progressively worse and a lot more painful. i noted your comment: I feel really daft for being so naive. I never saw this coming . This is why I am so beside myself. you are not daft at all and you haven't been naive. when things appear to be going great, that's exactly what you see. there is no reason to see anything else. i know what it's like to not see the breakdown of a relationship coming. sometimes the signs were so small, you wouldn't have noticed them. sometimes, there are no signs. my ex left me around 5 months ago - something i did not see coming at all. like you, i loved him more than anything. he was always the one to talk about a future with me and he treated me so fantastic throughout our relationship. i was beside myself when he left me (he had things going on his head, it was for the best, i now realise). i cried myself to sleep so many times, and cried so much you could have swum through my tears. basically, i felt like i had been hit by a freight train. trust me rachel, you are not alone. you can come here anytime when things feel tough for you. if you want someone to talk to, or to get things off your chest, email me at <e-mail address removed> - by the way, your friends are in the uk? which country are you in now? don't feel you have to battle through this on your own because you don't. there is always someone out there willing to listen, and plenty of people who care.

[Miss Mojo]

My nose hurts and my silly eyes are so swollen.

 

nah, nothing about it is silly! it's so natural to feel this way. i bet your nose is starting to peel and your eyes sting and you feel emotionally exhausted, but that's part of it too. let it out and don't feel bad that you're hurting.

 

You sound very positive and happy. I look forward to that day. At the moment, I feel sick and very lost.

 

rachel, if someone as emotional as myself can be positive and happy, then ANYONE can. trust me i was MAJOR basket-case when my ex split up with me. i really understand your feelings of sickness and loss, not to mention emptiness, but you with your capacity to feel so much, you are really going to make some guy treasure you oneday. you're just lucky that this guy has stepped out of your life to make way for a REAL MAN oneday. when you meet tihs wonderful guy oneday, who is waiting for someone like you, you are going to be thanking your ex wholeheartedly for doing you a favour by not marrying you.

 

you will have your good days mixed in with your bad days, but you will pull through and come out stonger. sure, i still miss what i had with my ex, and i will always hold a soft spot for him, but as hard as it is to comprehend at first, it honestly is for the best. i realise that now, and i am glad. i've found a strength inside of me i didn't know i had and it's been a major turning point for me, considering how much i fell apart when we split. i'm putting the pieces back together myself and i have developed this certain self-awareness that makes me feel so good about myself and i am proud. i think i will write a book on how to bounce back after a heartbreak!!

 

i could go on for hours rachel, but i won't because i will shortly wake my friend up (loud keyboard ). but remember - sometimes the experiences in life that hurt us the most can be the most empowering. just let your feelings flow naturally, don't think you're silly (cos you're NOT!!) and never be afraid to talk about how you feel. it's the best therapy to get objective advice from people who care.

 

:)

[rachel]

8-March-2001

 

Thanks for cheering me up! last night was not a good night. I went to bed at ten, started thinking about everything. Ended up crying yet again. By midnight I was so emtionally drained. I thought finally, I'm all cried out and can sleep. Two a.m. guess who's wide awake. Would you believe I didn't fall off to sleep until six a.m.

 

Then up at eight. This is killing me. What gets me is the fact that he could careless and has moved on without any remorse. He is happy as a clam. Bastard! oops:) I just don't get.

 

May I ask, why your ex decided to leave? was it hard for you to start dating other people? If speaking of your ex upsets you. Not to worry, I understand. Thank you again for your message. Knowing there is someone to talk with helps a great deal.

 

Sincerely,

 

Rachel

 

My nose hurts and my silly eyes are so swollen.

nah, nothing about it is silly! it's so natural to feel this way. i bet your nose is starting to peel and your eyes sting and you feel emotionally exhausted, but that's part of it too. let it out and don't feel bad that you're hurting. You sound very positive and happy. I look forward to that day. At the moment, I feel sick and very lost. rachel, if someone as emotional as myself can be positive and happy, then ANYONE can. trust me i was MAJOR basket-case when my ex split up with me. i really understand your feelings of sickness and loss, not to mention emptiness, but you with your capacity to feel so much, you are really going to make some guy treasure you oneday. you're just lucky that this guy has stepped out of your life to make way for a REAL MAN oneday. when you meet tihs wonderful guy oneday, who is waiting for someone like you, you are going to be thanking your ex wholeheartedly for doing you a favour by not marrying you. you will have your good days mixed in with your bad days, but you will pull through and come out stonger. sure, i still miss what i had with my ex, and i will always hold a soft spot for him, but as hard as it is to comprehend at first, it honestly is for the best. i realise that now, and i am glad. i've found a strength inside of me i didn't know i had and it's been a major turning point for me, considering how much i fell apart when we split. i'm putting the pieces back together myself and i have developed this certain self-awareness that makes me feel so good about myself and i am proud. i think i will write a book on how to bounce back after a heartbreak!! i could go on for hours rachel, but i won't because i will shortly wake my friend up (loud keyboard ). but remember - sometimes the experiences in life that hurt us the most can be the most empowering. just let your feelings flow naturally, don't think you're silly (cos you're NOT!!) and never be afraid to talk about how you feel. it's the best therapy to get objective advice from people who care. :)

[Miss Mojo]

hi rachel,

 

my ex left me because there was a bit of an age gap between us that basically caused a lot of insecurity on his behalf (i'm 4 years older than he is). i know there were times when he would feel threatened if another guy looked at me, and he felt insecure and inadequate because i'd had more experience.

 

not to mention, his brother caused a hell of a lot of problems in their family which caused a big wedge in their household. he was very jealous that his brother was seeing me, said some really awful things about me, his parents didn't want to know me, and it caused a lot of problems that he couldn't handle. i always thought, "well, it's their loss if they're going to be judgmental a**holes", but he had to live with them and what they felt. he couldn't handle it anymore.

 

i knew about his family problems for ages, but everything just got on top of him oneday and i didn't realise just how much everything was affecting him until the day we split. to me, it was so out of the blue and it absolutely crushed me beyond belief. i started to read into things (biiiiiig mistake) and create scenarios in my head and wonder how honest he'd been etc. i was playing mind-games with myself for a while there until i told myself to snap out of it.

 

i know what lack of sleep is like rachel. it took me a couple of months before i could sleep properly. it was a real battle. the night that he split up with me, i slept for one hour. after a while, i was so emotionally worn out. i would really suggest if you're having trouble handling this, to see a counsellor. you have been through a lot emotionally.

 

i haven't dated anyone since we split, because i just don't feel ready. i'm kind of in an "off men" stage at the moment. i have trust issues etc that need to be worked out and because i'm still not totally over him, i don't think it would be fair on another guy or myself to get involved.

 

if you want to e-mail me rachel, you are more than welcome to. my e-mail address is <e-mail address removed>

 

i know what you are going through and i can 100% relate to the emotions you are feeling right now. if you want to talk to someone who can really relate, i'd be more than happy to lend some advice on how i've been pulling through. i've surprised myself in many ways since the split. my only regret is that i didn't find this site when we split, because i was such a mess at first. the advice from people here is priceless. since i've found this site, just knowing there are people out there who understand and who care, has been a great help. it's really opened my eyes so much.

 

once again, i'd be happy correspond via e-mail you if you need a friend. i honestly know what it's like.

 

miss mojo