Reconciling with Wife after Affair

[MoeGreen63]

My wife of 10 years and I are going to try to save our marriage after she confessed to me of a short affair this past weekend.

 

It's hard to explain but I'll try. She has been the most loving wife and this is just something even she never thought was possible. Over the past couple of years, I had withdrawn. I took her for granted and she says I never even saw her. I never saw it but it's true. She did not use it as an excuse but simply to explain why she felt so alone. She was totally honest and the way she handled owning up to it was nothing short of heroic. What she had done wasn't the part that hurt but the thought of losing this wonderful woman who made a terrible mistake was. Forgiving her was the easy part. Knowing who she really is, I have not lost my faith in her.

 

But now that we have decided to reconcile, we are facing the toughest challenges. She doesn't like herself at all for what she's done and there is awkwardness between us. I am confused at when to give her how much distance and when to give her how much closeness. I don't want anything to seem forced. I also need to work on myself to make me a better person, but I am afraid that all will look contrived. I have suggested counseling but she seems to dismiss it. I think she feels shame at going to see a professional. For her issues with her damaged self-image, I can support her but I alone can't help her.

 

For anyone who has been through this sort of thing, is there anything that worked for you to work through this awkwardness?

[upper90]

Moe,

 

You are in a tight situation and you guys are definitely going to face some difficult times in front of one another. I think you should know your wife of ten years pretty well to know what makes her feel the way she feels. Your best bet now is to look back at when you two first started dating and remind yourself of the person that you were then. If you are true to yourself about recognizing that you need to change in your ways, then you will change. You dont need to act like someone you are not, but you need to work with your wife on building that foundation you had before you decided to get married. In order to ease the pain your wife is going through, you need to point the finger at yourself and take the blame for why she sought someone else for that companionship. Remind her how much she means to you and take things one day at a time. Counseling is great, and is recommended, but together you both can work through this. Good luck!!

[beatjunkies]

you need to point the finger at yourself and take the blame for why she sought someone else for that companionship - upper90

 

How is it his fault his wife did that? Sorry but its not your fault Moe that your wife did this !! Dont take the blame for what she chose to do !! Theres no excuse for cheating on your partner !! I dont care, nothing justifies that in my book !! I know you are reconciling and what not but still you honestly feel like it was your fault she did this and its not true.. If we had that much power over other humans don't you think we would be doing a lot more other things for ourself ??

 

Anyways good luck on the reconciliation. Just try to not make her feel bad and try to go out and do some fun things to respark what you had.. but remember one thing again !! Its not your fault.. Your wife has a brain and can think its not like you MADE her do it !!

 

Take care !! Hope everything works out for you !!

[Owl]

Moe-

 

You need to post this in the infidelity section as opposed to here. You'll get a lot more response, and from people who have been in your shoes (like me).

 

You and your wife DO need to go counseling...with a counselor who understands infidelity, and issues around the recovery from that. She may not be comfortable with that....that's because she feels guilty about what she's done...hardly surprising. But the truth is, she needs to take responsibility for what she's done, and part of that is working through the issue in counseling with you.

 

You both need to work to find out WHY she did what she did...and BOTH of you need to work on fixing that. Undoubtedly there are some needs that she was getting met by the OM (I don't mean just physical, I'm talking emotional needs as well)...you need to work with her to work out how YOU can meet those. And at the same time, she can start doing the same thing for YOU...because undoubtedly there are some things that SHE needs to start doing for you as well. Good luck friend.