Will she ever get over her ex?

[khan8]

Hello,

 

I have a problem with my current relationship. I've been together with this girl for almost six months, and I am absolutely crazy about her, but the problem is that I feel she has problems with commiting because she feels she has some sort of obligations to her ex-boyfriend of 5 years, whom she broke up with about a year ago. He can't get over her, and keeps calling to beg her to take her back, and although she says she is happy with me she seems not to be 100% sure. Her problem is that she is too afraid to say anything to anyone that might hurt them, but I feel that now she is in a position where she has to make a choice, either to commit fully to me or break up.

 

Her reasons for not being able to commit seems to be things like her promising her ex to be with him forever, and that she feels that for that reason she is not a woman of her word if she ever makes such commitment again. Secondly, she is increasingly becoming more and more reminiscent of the good times they had rather than the bad ones (emotional negligence, humiliation, some violence, lack of communication, bad sex, him thinking investment in a relationship has to do with how much money he spends on her, and the list goes on) because I think she might be panicking about the prospect of committing that deeply once again. It is seriously starting to get on my nerves, because since we got together (and before that as well) I've been there 100% for her, caring for her, supporting her, loving her, and investing an incredible amount of love, time, and energy in this relationship. On numerous occasions I have made her weep with joy because she has never experienced anybody being so good to her before. I know I'm the better guy for her, and her girlfriends have told me as well that she seems happier, and that we are infinitely more compatible than her and her ex ever were. Hell, I'm better looking than the ex as well, and I'm the first person to give her an orgasm during sex because I'm not a selfish a**h*** who only cares about my own pleasure in bed. As arrogant as I may sound, I KNOW I'm a good boyfriend, and everyone around us has recognized that (she has too).

 

And this is why I get so pissed off when she suddenly does not want to move in with me even though we had planned it for a long time because "she doesn't want to hurt her ex's feelings." Everytime I want to take the relationship to a new level she is hesitant because she cares about what her ex might think. It pisses me off because I get hurt every time they talk on the phone or meet somewhere, and I find it extremely unfair. I don't want to forbid her to talk to him, because he used to be a controlling a**h*** who told her who she could or couldn't see, and I don't want this relationship to put any of us in chains. She can't be as committed as I am just because of promises made to an old boyfriend, and I feel like I'm being disrespected and underappreciated. I know she does not cheat on me, and I know she loves me, but most of the time I feel I only get 50% of her love instead of the 100% I want and feel I deserve.

 

What should I do? Most of the time we have a wonderful relationship, we make each other laugh, we are open, have great conversations, great sex, and basically have a wonderful time no matter what we do together, and I love her incredibly much. Is it about time I give her an ultimatum, or is it worth having the patience to have her work out her feelings about the past and that she will eventually come around? I couldn't care less if she is still friends with the guy as long as it does not affect our relationship. But the way it is now cannot go on forever, and I'm getting tired. Should I ask her to make a choice between me or him?

[Shuffty]

A year and a half later and he's still calling, begging for her to take him back? You don't need to put up with that!

 

Ok, so she feels bad for promising to 'be with him forever' but she's not the first to break that kind of promise, and she sure as hell won't be the last, you only have to look at rising divorce rates to know that. Situations change, as do people, i'e she probably wasn't expecting violence, neglect etc, so it's his fault she's not going to keep that promise, because he treated her badly. You should explain that to her, he has to get over it, he screwed up, she walked away, she shouldn't feel bad anymore, it happens.

 

I know that's easy to say, but personally i wouldn't put up with my partners ex calling them, begging for another chance, when they were clearly spoken for. And not wanting to move in with you because she could hurt her ex's feelings! Maybe she shouldn't have dumped him if she's so worried about upsetting him!

 

I think you need to talk to her, but i wouldn't necessarily call it an 'ultimatum', that's a bit 'lose him or i'll lose you', kind of abrupt. She might not realise how unhappy this makes you (although how she can miss it i don't know.) Explain to her that, while you're ok with them being friends if that's what she wants, that's clearly not what they are now, and the situation upsets you a lot, as it would anybody. If she doesn't want to be friends, there's no need for them to speak at all, he's not her problem any more! I wouldn't put your foot down (yet) just tell her that she's pushing you away, and you're trying everything to make her happy, but she's disrespecting you by thinking of her ex first.

 

It's really not selfish to expect her to put you first, over her ex BF.

[upsetnhurt]

As long as the ex is in the picture you have absolutely no shot of winning her heart completely 100%. You are right that you are not the one to tell her to stop taking his calls or meeting him, yet you are the one who needs to inform her of how you feel relating those topics and if she does not respond favorably or as my ex would say "can we not talk about it", you need to break this off NOW as your heart will be the one to be broken in the future (take it from me as I am in a world of hurt right now). One has to completely reconcile her past before they can commit to something new and I think you realize that she is not over it yet. You need to think long-term rather than short-term satisfaction here. She may be great now yet think how great she could be if she would give herself completely to you. You deserve it as you seem like a good bf like I was yet they can't see you for who you are totally as they constantly compare to something they have romanticised in their minds (their ex's). Take a break of 6 months apart from one another and have NC......it will hurt trust me yet then you will truly know if you are meant to be together. If not, better to know now than later when more of your feelings are involved. If she winds up back with the ex, so be it and let her learn her lessons on her own. Good luck and just shout if you need my input as I am 4 months into NC with my ex over the same issues.

[XNemesisX]

These were some of the very issues that ended up breaking my ex and I up. He had an ex that would just NOT BUG OFF!!!

 

Boy, this caused some huge problems. I'm talking monumental. Made me not trust him, made me do things that made him not trust me...the list goes on.

 

I don't have much advice on this subject besides telling you that I understand how bad it sucks to be in a triangular relationship. I suspect she is encouraging him more than you could ever know.

 

Ultimatum time. I wish I hadn't been so lenient on my (now ex) boyf. Tell her it is him or it is you. NOW.

[angelicbaby]

I went through the same thing with my last boyfriend.....I felt as if I was putting in much more effort into the relationship than he was....Here is my story...My now ex boyfriend broke up with ex girlfriend of 4 years about 4 months before we got together. At the beginning, he told me that being with me made him realize that he and his ex were a bad fit....after the break up, she constantly called and texted him, even in the middle of the night when we were spending time together....In some ways I guess he was an emotional crutch for her...when she would freak out about some issue, she would call him...It bothered me a whole lot...I told him that I would not have a problem with their friendship if she wasn' t so emotionally unstable....It(their friendship) bothered me a lot....It was so one-sided, all about her...Even when I told him how I felt, his answer was that he promised her that they would stay friends after they broke up...But I told him that I thought the relationship was unhealthy because she was still very resentful over the break up and she only called him when she needed him for something....I eventually broke up with him even though I still love him because I realized that he wasn't quite ready for a serious relationship....I told him that he needed some perspective and get some things straight for himself before we can be together...I initiated the break up and I told him that I didn't think he was quite ready for an intimate relationship with me... It was the best decision I've ever made....It's about prioritizing and recognizing what is important in your life....I think you should talk to your girlfriend and listen to what she has to say...and hopefully she would SHOW you that you are a priority in her life otherwise you should not continue to be in a relationship you're unhappy in....shouldn't a relationship be a what's best for the BOTH of you, effective communication, and some compromising? Good Luck!

[DeaconFrost]

Oh man does this S**T suck! I just got out of this garbage about a month and a half ago. I went through 90% of the same crap that you are dealing with. It hurts man and you just can't figure out why they are doing these things to you if they are saying things like "your the best I have ever known" or they are are crying tears of joy because you treat them so well. God, your situation was mine damn near to the T. Her friends said the same things to me that your girl's friends say to you. Its enough to make you want to pull your hair out. I feel for you guy. It is so hurtful and I understand your situation so much that I wanna take you out for a beer and women-bash for a while. BLAH!

 

All I can say is tell her in no uncertain terms that this s**t hurts you to the core. I told my ex this, but it didn't really seem to matter. I was told that I just had to deal with her "grieving process." What a f**king crock of s**t! She was so wrapped up in herself that I never came into the full view with her. I suspect the same is happening with you. GET OUT NOW IF SHE AIN'T GOING TO CHANGE! A woman needs to heal completely before she will ever give herself to you fully. And that hurts. Take my advice and run. There is no way for her to get over her ex unless she shuts him out completely and focuses on just you. And my guess is that this is pretty unlikely. If you want me to be honest, you are already in the minority. You gotta switch into survival mode now and really do some analyzing and communicating. If she can't understand that you are the priority in her life now and that all her attention should be focused on you then F**K her. You deserve better than that. Grieving is one part reality and two parts choice. If you have found something that is better or helps you forget, than that is all that should matter.

 

Its like having your car wrecked in a accident. You miss your old car because you took care of it and watched over it. But once you get a new one that is faster and better and nicer looking, you only focus on how nice it runs...not on what condition the old jalopy was in or what it "could" have been. If she doesn't understand this NOW, then leave her ungrateful a** behind

[from ND]

Deacon Frost You rock man!!!! You should do seminars on this situation, Your way with words really helped me, Thank you man....Its like having your car wrecked in a accident. You miss your old car because you took care of it and watched over it. But once you get a new one that is faster and better and nicer looking, you only focus on how nice it runs...not on what condition the old jalopy was in or what it "could" have been. If she doesn't understand this NOW, then leave her ungrateful a** behind--------I went through this deal last NOV, my ex was married for 20 yrs, I made the mistake of moving to Fargo where both of them had lived and had a life together, and EVERYWHERE we went she would say "oh look I remeber when me and him were here" It made me livid bro. Then, heres the Jackpot.........I propose to her right, last August, I ask "will you Marry me???" her reply ----ummmm I neeed to think about it, 2 days later I caught her writing to the X, and Id been with her for 2 yrs, can you believe that deal, so both of you dudes, I feel your misery, and yeah that "New Car" feels pretty good, because since weve been over, I moved 2 states away, got myself into rehab, got a new truck and a good job, Im happy...I even wrote her a letter telling her I hope she met a guy that treats her good, you know what she called me back...........from inside a prison. crazy deal huh, but then again, thats where her ex is, so she peobably should be with him right. Your post helped me alot man thanks

[XNemesisX]

Deacon Frost, that was a GREAT response!

 

Yeah I second everything you said. I was with my ex for 2 years and I would tell him how bad it hurt me to have his ex always lingering around. He kept telling me the same crap and the same stupid lies about it. He would lie about talking to her and lie and tell me they didn't have anything going on behind my back. Well, I found a text message he sent her in his phone that said "you know I still love you baby."

 

I was CRUSHED, LIVID, you name it. My heart was broken. Finally, he told her right in front of me to stop calling him and telling him she loves him. Like an idiot, I hung around the dipsh*t. Just a month after that he broke up with me.

 

Give her an ultimatum and as much as I hate to say this, be SURE she is being truthful about it if she says she's stopped contact with him. Mine lied to me about it until I saw this f*cking text message with my own 2 eyes and she would be calling in the middle of the night while we were in bed asleep.

 

Ugh..sorry but this topic does get my blood boiling.

 

Always remember that exes don't do this without ENCOURAGEMENT.

[upsetnhurt]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t55343/

 

I am wondering if your ex's ex went as far as my ex gf's did? Please read my thread above and I found that "Midori's" posts were quite on target and real therapeutic. Interested to find out if any of you remained in contact with your ex's and if any got that "second chance" that many people desire.

[DeaconFrost]

Originally posted by from ND

Deacon Frost You rock man!!!! You should do seminars on this situation, Your way with words really helped me, Thank you man....

I'm glad I can help a fellow poster in any way possible. That's the benefit of having a great community to fall back on. I've learned a lot of things in this last relationship and I'm glad to share with anyone, anytime.

 

Originally posted by from ND

I went through this deal last NOV, my ex was married for 20 yrs, I made the mistake of moving to Fargo where both of them had lived and had a life together, and EVERYWHERE we went she would say "oh look I remeber when me and him were here" It made me livid bro. Then, heres the Jackpot.........I propose to her right, last August, I ask "will you Marry me???" her reply ----ummmm I neeed to think about it

Damn...this sh*t is jacked my friend. I've got four letters for you...S-L-U-T...I've never been able to fathom how someone can tell you to your face that they miss their ex and reminisce about what they used to do together. That's just shady man. My ex would do that sh*t all the time and then would get defensive when I called her on it or told her that she was being EXTREMELY hurtful when she would do that.

 

I mean let's be logical for just a split second (since we are clearly dealing with illogical people). If you found $20 on the street, would you leave the cash behind because you missed the old $20 that you just spent. HELL NO! If you were a logical person you would relish in the fact that you found some dough (by a chance of fate even....now it gets interesting ) and you have been blessed to find an amazing gift. For whatever reason these nitwits are stuck in the past because they feel they are somehow responsible for the current situation or well being of their ex's. This is absurd

 

Now I want everybody to stop for a second a think..........................ok................IT IS THEIR GOD D*MN EX! The benefit of breaking up is that you are no longer responsible for being committed to taking care of them. Your free from baggage. And for some reason these people find it acceptable to be the carriers of burden because they felt they did some injustice to their exes. OMFG...Let's take ten seconds to pause for station identif*ckingfication. Wake Up! There is a reason they broke up. If it was so damn good there would have been no reason for them to leave. Plain and simple, end of story, kiss my white a**.

 

Originally posted by Nemesis

Always remember that exes don't do this without ENCOURAGEMENT

If that ain't the truth, I don't know what is. The exes don't want to be friends...they want to get back together. I don't know any friends that would come to the house unexpectedly or constantly call at strange hours...do you? These people are clearly lost and thrive in emotional instability. My thoughts now are to just let them wallow in their own misery. Us sane people have better things to do...like living a normal life.

 

Khan8 - Long story short....Tell this chick to hit the road if she blinks for a minute when you tell her to put an end to this madness. Do not drag it out...pack you sh*t and head for the nearest bar. You are the most important person in this relationship...not some goon ex bf. If she is not FULLY loyal to you and your feelings from this point forward then ride off into the sunset to bigger and better things...and don't EVER look back. You have too much in front of you to worry about

[from ND]

Yeah bro....Like Deacon says, pack your trash and hit the trail, because a leopard doesnt change its spots. Do you know what dude, and this goes for all of us, These chiks who do the dumping, and pee and moan about their "great " ex's are never gonna change, You can be rest assured that once she dumps you, for the reasons she says...its all a crock. 9 times out of 10 these people go into a rebound relationship only to find they made a mistake. They decieve only themselves, because they think that sleeping with a new person will mask the feelings of the old lover. XXXXXX- wrong answer buddy, because the emotional attachment they are trying to find with the new one to replace you isnt there, know why, Its like replacing that old dog who was loyal with a new one, it just isnt the same, it aint the same dog, so anyways, why keep a dog that keeps crapping on your carpet, get rid of her man, trade her in for something exotic like a cheetah, a women who treats you with loyalty, respect and dignity, if you want to make her mad....do what I did to my ex, I told her "This aint Burger King...You can't have it YOUR way",,haha I never seen a chik so angry, anyhow the hurt will pass and she can kiss your a--, later and good luck to all of you.

[DeaconFrost]

Originally posted by from ND

....do what I did to my ex, I told her "This aint Burger King...You can't have it YOUR way",,haha I never seen a chik so angry, anyhow the hurt will pass and she can kiss your a--, later and good luck to all of you.

That's classic....what a great line...hahahahaha