Turning the tides: A journal of my road to personal transformation

[The Poster]

I'm making this thread because I wanted a place to write down my progress. No one actually has to read this but of course any support or advice is more than welcome.

 

After my girlfriend ended our relationship a little over 2 months ago, I knew it was high time to change my life. The breakup was a major wake up call. I wasn't happy with myself or the way I was living my life...which was not living at all. Nothing was going right for me and I was in such a dark place. The previous four years have been absolute hell. Self-destruction, debt, failure, isolation, etc. There were many times I didn't want to keep on living.

 

When I met my recent ex, I was looking for someone to save me. I soon realized it didn't work that way. While she did have a major positive impact on me, only I could save myself. Losing her only reinforced that idea. She did help me tremendously in helping me see positive things about myself that were a catalyst to beginning my personal transformation. As I continue this road, I would love to share this with her, but I just don't know if that's in the cards.

 

There are four categories that I've created that needed significant improvement.

 

Mentally

Physically

Financially

Spiritually

 

Mentally is far and away the most critical. I've suffered and struggled with anxiety for years. It has caused extraordinary wreckage to my life. It has kept me tied down in chains. It has ruined relationships, friendships, and the overall concept of living life in peace and happiness. I lived in an endless state of fear and worry. I was constantly wrestling with an elusive image of who I was. My confidence was shattered. My self-worth was abysmal. I felt inadequate, lost, and aimless. Frustrated and irritated. Needless to say, it's not hard to see why I made changing my mentally the most critical category.

 

Physically, I needed to make changes to the way I ate and way I drank. Not to mention being a heavy smoker. I had gained weight because I couldn't stop eating and drinking garbage. I threw away so much money on junk food, soda, and cigarettes in the process. I needed to change that and start respecting my body.

 

All of that (among other self-destructive tendencies) had left me broke and even in debt. Being smarter with my money and saving some along the way was my goal. Though it obviously has it's place in life, money is not an important thing to me. However, when I can barely pay bills and not be able to go out and enjoy anything because I'm broke, then it's a problem that needs to be addressed.

 

As for spiritually, I've always been a believer of God, but I wanted a closer relationship with Him because I knew it would benefit me in amazing ways and allow me to trust and relax more and not let my anxieties get the best of me.

[The Poster]

I wish I had started this journal when I started this journey two months ago, but regardless, I want to write my progress over this time.

 

Mentally I feel loads better. I've been doing a lot of reading, a lot of exercises, and a lot of praying. I've learned some breathing and exercising techniques that I use every single day. I've also learned to write down some affirmations and positive self-talk statements that I read over and over and over again. I feel like I'm finally getting control over my anxiety, instead of the other way around. I'm much more confident in myself these days. I have higher self-worth and have learned to define my self-worth my who I am and not what I have. I've stopped comparing myself to others and feel much better about myself overall. I'm learning to embrace life with trust and faith instead of fear and worry.

 

I had a moment the other night that nearly brought me to tears. My friend texted me asking if I was going to one of our mutual friends' birthday party. I had not known about it, and I was not invited via Facebook like everyone else was. In the past, my anxiety would start rising. I would start over-thinking and I would start bombarding myself with questions.

 

"Why wasn't I invited?"

"Do they not like me anymore?"

"Did I do something to upset them?"

"Am I not good enough to be invited?"

 

Not this time. Instead, I thought logically. I knew they liked me, and I knew I had always been invited to events in the past. Therefore, I knew that they must have simply missed me when making the list of invites. It was a liberating moment, and it hasn't been the first time that's happened over these two months. I'm not letting negative thoughts breed anymore. When they come up, I acknowledge them, and let them pass away. Fighting them only makes it worse, so I just let it be.

 

I've made some progress physically too. I've lost a little weight and overall I eat healthier and drink a lot of water and seltzer. I still have my days where I splurge on junk, but that's OK. I love food and I love eating and that isn't changing. The point isn't too just stop eating and drinking bad stuff, it's to incorporate more healthier choices. As for quitting smoking, that won't be happening yet. I'm too stressed and overwhelmed to do it now. That will be the final step.

 

I haven't made much progress financially, if any at all. I'm not spending recklessly anymore, but I'm not saving either. That will be changing this week though.

 

Spiritually, I pray a lot more now and I feel a lot better doing it. I'm learning to trust in God more and know that he's always with me. I also have a feeling that a miracle is coming to me soon. What that is, I don't know, but I can feel it. I just have to keep moving forward.

 

Overall, I've made some really good progress, but I still have a long way to go. I'm seeing a change in me for sure. A certain kind of newness. I just have to keep pushing and pushing. None of this is easy, and I still miss my ex a lot and I wish I could tell her about this stuff. I just have no idea what she thinks about me or if she'll care or anything like that. I figure that if she's meant to know, then somehow she will. Whatever is meant to be, will be.

[The Poster]

Also, a month ago I started learning how to play the piano. It's always been a dream of mine and I'm tired of not trying to accomplish things that I want to accomplish. That's going well too, but again, long way to go.

[Levite]

Sounds like you're getting a lot off your chest! I can relate to what you're saying here, having gone through a divorce two years ago. I have started to make many positive changes in myself. I'm advancing my education, I've taken up fishing (or I should say I got back into it), and now I'm studying the Bible in 6 months.

 

It's important to have drive in life. When your heart gets set on sonething, take it to the end!

[The Poster]

Sounds like you're getting a lot off your chest! I can relate to what you're saying here, having gone through a divorce two years ago. I have started to make many positive changes in myself. I'm advancing my education, I've taken up fishing (or I should say I got back into it), and now I'm studying the Bible in 6 months.

 

It's important to have drive in life. When your heart gets set on sonething, take it to the end!

 

Best of luck on your own journey!

 

Sometimes it takes a lot of pain and misfortune to see the light and want to ride the winds of change for a better tomorrow.

 

It was simple for me. I was sick and tired of feeling and living the way I was. So I'm changing it.

[The Poster]

Learning the piano is going well. Today I begin to do exercises where I use both hands at the same time. I'm really excited for it!

 

My mom recommended these over-the-counter pills that help reduce anxiety. I've been taking them for about a week now and they're definitely helping along with all of my other practices and exercises.

 

Put $200 into my savings account this morning. Nothing big, but it's a start.

 

Just got to keep on moving.

[The Poster]

- Another week in the books and I'm still improving little by little. I honestly do feel much more confident in myself. My anxiety is under control and I'm not worrying much anymore.

 

- I started exposure therapy over the weekend. Drove out to a place I normally can't deal going to, to meet a person I've never met before. It was probably too strong to start with but I wanted to hit the ground running and it went very well. Even got lost along the way and still didn't find myself panicking or getting anxious.

 

- There's a chapter in my book I just got done reading that basically has me go back in time to my childhood and relive it with my current self standing there next to little me. It's so intriguing. They say that what happens to you as a child can often cause problems within you as an adult. So, they have me comfort and be a good parent to my "inner child", which we all have inside of us that represents our childhood. I even had to go to my moms house to get some pictures of me from those younger years to help with the memories. This stuff is not only helping immensely, it's also quite fascinating.

 

- If I can stay on course, I should hit my goal weight within the next two weeks. A weight I haven't been at in 3 years. Once there, I will be quitting smoking.

 

- Financially is still a struggle. Work has just not been busy and I've been losing hours. Still not spending aimlessly, but I'm not saving as much as I would like to.