Husband still friends with ex

[Winterina]

I must MUST address this... You say "I'm also sad to say that I lost contact with my friends. I got so sucked in by my husband and fell head over heels in love. I put all my time and effort into him."

 

 

Here is where the core of the problem might be. He sees you as someone who is always going to put up with anything and he takes you for granted. Go out OP, live a little, create your own life with your own friends...

If you continue to act his little loyal wife while he does whatever he wants, he will never respect you. Never! Sad as it is, that is how people feel and think.

You absolutely must change this about yourself, for yourself, with or without him in your life. There will be someone else some day even if you are not with him.

Go to gym. Reconnect with friends. Meet people. Get out there!

[Standard-Fare]

It's a terrible spot for you to be in, and you should do what you can to make your husband understand that.

 

As his wife you should have the right to clearly define your boundaries and dealbreakers here... but the reality is, if you start making demands you're going to come across a a nag and you might drive him into further secrecy and deception. So yeah, that's basically hell.

 

I think it needs to be perfectly clear to your husband that this situation: a) is causing you anguish, b) can't continue in the same way it has, and c) is a very big deal that could threaten your marriage. He can't continue brushing this aside and dismissing your feelings. He needs to see that it's serious.

[Friskyone4u]

IslaCutie

 

You cannot solve your problem from a position of being scared. Those men or women who play the "pick me" dance game never wind up the winner. He is doing this because he has seen no real consequences from you .

You have two clear choices here

(1) live in an open marriage that he has created for you

(2) convince him that getting out of infidelity is more important than saving your marriage.

Until HE believes there will be real unpleasant consequences he will continue to play his game. And quite frankly if he picks her now what makes you think if you endure a ton of hurt and pain that he still won't pick her. Knock his ass off the fence. He is doing what is called cake eating.

Take the cake away

[norudder]

My only 2 cents is dont have kids (if you want them) with him until this is resolved and you are in a place of total emotional trust.

[trippi1432]

Personally, I'd call him on his own game and walk (3rd option). What he has done is put "her" on a pedestal and disrespected you as his wife. You have really been put in a position of making any demands makes you look weak and not making them...makes you look weak. He did this, please do understand that...you didn't do this to your marriage.

 

I'm honestly so sorry you are going through this, if he won't respect you as his wife, you need to respect yourself. This isn't between family and friends, people always want to takes sides....it doesn't always mean it's the right side.

 

My eyes were pretty much opened in a similar situation in my first marriage.....If you are bound to fight for him, he needs to want to be on your side...if he's not then you deserve better. Don't ever cheat yourself...it's worse than what anyone could do to you.

[LoveMyHusband]

I hate to break it to you, but your husband is an ******* and so is his sister. And so is his "ex" regardless of how "lovely" she seems. You deserve a lot better. The likely scenario is that the reason why he was keeping the extent of his interactions with her a secret from you goes far beyond a fear that you will "overreact." He knows that what he is doing is wrong and is too much of a coward to own up to his actions in your presence.

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater. That's usually the case. This guy cheated on her when they were a couple because he "missed" her? Okay, buddy. If you miss someone, you don't cheat on them. He was just horny and needed a fix. That being said with him marrying you he should not maintain too close a relationship with his ex. Sometimes friendships with exes when one is married can work, but it doesn't look like your situation is of that sort.

 

I agree with another poster on here. It seems as though on some level this woman who was cheated on is now becoming the other woman so your husband can right the wrong. Whatever the case may be, your husband's explanation that he is this close to her because he feels guilty about cheating on her when they were a couple speaks volumes about the true nature of their relationship. Even if they weren't sleeping together (which they very well may be - I hate to tell you), there is an emotional bond that is inappropriate and goes beyond just friends. The cheating was in the past. Their being a couple was in the past or at least should have permanently been once he met and married you. If he's such good friends with her and she is being nice to him, she obviously isn't upset over his past cheating. So, he shouldn't feel like he has to make up for cheating on her when he should have moved on from her upon marrying you.

 

It sounds like he is making excuses for his behavior by portraying this scenario as benign and accusing you of overreacting. As for his sister telling you point blank that you will never replace his ex???!!!!, now that is just disrespectful. As his wife, you automatically "replace" ANY exes he may have had in the past. Your husband's sister's loyalty is obviously to his ex who also happens to be one of her close friends. She obviously wishes her brother ended up with his ex (her CLOSE FRIEND). She was way out of line to say that to you.

 

I know you love him, but is it really true love when there is no trust? You shouldn't have to hide anything from your spouse. Those comments were way out of line. And even if his intentions weren't bad, which I think they are, this ex was way out of line to post those comments on his FB. His saying that he has no control over what she posts just won't cut it. If he had any respect for you, he would have deleted the comments and told her that she was out of line and being disrespectful to you. But that's besides the point. The whole "friendship" he has with her is inappropriate. This is at the very least emotional cheating even if there is no sex involved, which I wouldn't put passed them.

[Josmatjes]

I think you need to have a serious discussion about boundaries w your h. He should respect what bothers you.

You also need to put his sister in her place. He needs to call her and let Eric know under no circumstances should she speak to you this way.

Third and most important, you need to go meet the ex for coffee and in your sweetest voice tell her hands off and that's that. If she wants to be friends with him then you are gonna be glued to his side at all times.

Be strong, don't take this crap from him!

[LoveMyHusband]

My only 2 cents is dont have kids (if you want them) with him until this is resolved and you are in a place of total emotional trust.

 

It sounds like the only way to resolve this is divorce.

[Standard-Fare]

Totally disagree with those suggesting the OP meets with the ex-GF in person to warn her to back off.

 

That will only give the ex a sense of power and importance, and make the OP appear weak. And the ex WILL go right back to the OP's husband and tell him what happened. Then they'll have that little bond, like, "Ooh, we're in trouble!"

[Winterina]

Totally disagree with those suggesting the OP meets with the ex-GF in person to warn her to back off.

 

That will only give the ex a sense of power and importance, and make the OP appear weak. And the ex WILL go right back to the OP's husband and tell him what happened. Then they'll have that little bond, like, "Ooh, we're in trouble!"

 

Yup, agreed. It is his job to set his awful sister and his manipulative ex straight and make sure they know where they belong and where his wife belongs.

[IslaCutie]

Aw thanks for all of the advice. I appreciate it. Well I decided to talk it over with him. I know some suggested to just end it but I felt the need to hear him out before making a decision I feel weak for it but I guess I was hoping for a happy ending and for all it all to be sorted out.

 

To recap... (we talked for many hours so I tried to shorten it down)

He said that he knows he did wrong and feels bad for hurting me. He said that he would probably have left the marriage if the roles were reversed but he wants me to give him another chance. He said that he will do anything to keep our marriage including couples counselling, not seeing ex, seeing friends when she isn't around, talking to his sister etc.

 

Then he went on saying that I shouldn't be mad at his ex and sister because he has been pursing ex just as much as she with him, and that when he's frustrated with me he talks to his sister and tells her things out of annoyance and now she thinks that I'm trying to control him and is making him unhappy. He that he is sorry about that and that he has tried to tell her that he didn't mean things he said but sister thinks he is backtracking to protect me.....

He said that he will do anything to make me happy and will make changes but he has loved ex since teenagers and cares about her and he wants to text her now and again to catch up. He said that he can't ask her to stop texting him, it will hurt her feelings.

So I asked him why he can't apply the things he likes to do with ex/talk about with me. He said that we are completely different and it feels different. He joked... "unless you get a personality transplant".......

I asked does she mean more to him than our marriage and he said he loves me and wants to work marriage out. He said that ex loves him but is hesitant about taking him back because he cheated and is sure "making him work hard for it".... He said that he wants her to forgive him so he can move past the guilt but she keeps making jokes about him having commitment problems and it makes him feel worse because he made one mistake and not hundreds ?????? I really don't understand why he so desperately needs validation from her. He said that she is his best friend and I'm his wife and I can't be his best friend because both of us appeal to him in different ways. He said it's hard to explain but it isn't any offence to me. He said marriage means more to him than her and so he is happy to stop seeing her but still wants to check up on her.

 

So wtf. I feel confused. He says that he will make changes but talk to her now and then. Well, I am thinking that that means making no changes at all. I feel like I need to end it. It just feels so difficult I know it sounds crazy but I still love him and care about him tons. I feel mad and betrayed too. It all is really sad. I know I need to get a grip.

Edited January 28, 2015 by IslaCutie

[beach]

If he's not willing to completely cut her out of his life for good - then he's still cheating on you.

 

Working on the marriage should mean he eliminates the third person he brought into it without telling you.

 

If he won't - then he just expects you to "allow" him to continue cheating by being close to her.

 

Be specific with him about what you expect. If he won't - then he doesn't intend to work on the M.

[anika99]

Aw thanks for all of the advice. I appreciate it. Well I decided to talk it over with him. I know some suggested to just end it but I felt the need to hear him out before making a decision I feel weak for it but I guess I was hoping for a happy ending and for all it all to be sorted out.

 

To recap... (we talked for many hours so I tried to shorten it down)

He said that he knows he did wrong and feels bad for hurting me. He said that he would probably have left the marriage if the roles were reversed but he wants me to give him another chance. He said that he will do anything to keep our marriage including couples counselling, not seeing ex, seeing friends when she isn't around, talking to his sister etc.

 

Then he went on saying that I shouldn't be mad at his ex and sister because he has been pursing ex just as much as she with him, and that when he's frustrated with me he talks to his sister and tells her things out of annoyance and now she thinks that I'm trying to control him and is making him unhappy. He that he is sorry about that and that he has tried to tell her that he didn't mean things he said but sister thinks he is backtracking to protect me.....

He said that he will do anything to make me happy and will make changes but he has loved ex since teenagers and cares about her and he wants to text her now and again to catch up. He said that he can't ask her to stop texting him, it will hurt her feelings.

So I asked him why he can't apply the things he likes to do with ex/talk about with me. He said that we are completely different and it feels different. He joked... "unless you get a personality transplant".......

I asked does she mean more to him than our marriage and he said he loves me and wants to work marriage out. He said that ex loves him but is hesitant about taking him back because he cheated and is sure "making him work hard for it".... He said that he wants her to forgive him so he can move past the guilt but she keeps making jokes about him having commitment problems and it makes him feel worse because he made one mistake and not hundreds ?????? I really don't understand why he so desperately needs validation from her. He said that she is his best friend and I'm his wife and I can't be his best friend because both of us appeal to him in different ways. He said it's hard to explain but it isn't any offence to me. He said marriage means more to him than her and so he is happy to stop seeing her but still wants to check up on her.

 

So wtf. I feel confused. He says that he will make changes but talk to her now and then. Well, I am thinking that that means making no changes at all. I feel like I need to end it. It just feels so difficult I know it sounds crazy but I still love him and care about him tons. I feel mad and betrayed too. It all is really sad. I know I need to get a grip.

 

I say WTF too! That sounded so convoluted and circular I'm not sure how to make any sense of it. Especially the bolded. His ex is hesitant in taking him back and making him work for it? What the hell does that mean??! And he does have commitment problems. He didn't make 1 mistake he made thousands, because he didn't just cheat on his ex he also deceived you for 4 freaking years! He has probably lied to you hundreds of times about his participation in his ex's life over the years so I'm not sure how he figures he made 1 mistake.

 

 

One thing is certain. He still loves his ex and he doesn't want to let her go. He was still in love with her when he dated and married you. He probably loves you too now but I get the sense that he is still holding onto his image of his ex as his ideal woman. You are competing with his memories and fantasies of her. I say you either divorce him on insist on total no contact with the ex and get yourselves into marital counselling so you two can get this sorted out right now.

[MJJean]

He's been emotionally involved with her for the entirety of your marriage, has lied to you, concealed from you, talked trash about you to the OW and his sister to make himself look better and you like a possessive nut.

 

Then he promises he'll do whatever it takes, but follows that with notification that he will still have some contact with her because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings and finishes off with:

 

"ex loves him but is hesitant about taking him back because he cheated and is sure "making him work hard for it".... He said that he wants her to forgive him so he can move past the guilt but she keeps making jokes about him having commitment problems and it makes him feel worse because he made one mistake and not hundreds ??????"

 

Yeah, because the best way to convince a woman that you don't have commitment problems is to maintain a secret relationship with her behind your wife's back....

 

It sounds an awful lot like he wants to be with her, she won't have him because she's not willing to put up with his bullsh*t, and he's willing to work it out with you simply because you're willing to put up with what she won't!

[ArtsAndCrafts]

isla, this thread made me so mad I reactivated my LS account just to respond. Your husband is still lying to you. He said he would do ANYTHING to make your marriage work, but then he turns around & says he wants to stay in touch with her. You must not allow him to do this. Cutting all contact with her must be a firm condition of you staying with him. And you must be given the ability to verify it any time you wish -- passwords to all his accounts, phone, everything. Even his work phone. He has already proven he'll lie about her, so you can't trust his word on this.

 

I offer this advice to you from someone who has kind of been in his shoes. I wasn't in love with any exes or anything like that, but I maintained & encouraged ongoing inappropriate relationships with several guys from my past. Given my history of cheating, it was not something my BF could tolerate. And I did it anyway because I wanted the attention & validation. It nearly ruined our R. Not exactly the same situation, but I can tell you the lengths someone will go to in order to maintain contact to get their needs fulfilled. He WILL try to keep the emotional attachment going, and THAT is what you cannot allow. Learn from my mistakes, please.

 

Of course, that's assuming you even WANT to work things out with him. He is still in love with her & she with him. He's protecting her from you. Can you see that? He doesn't want you to blame or hurt HER. He is still concerned about HER. Everything he said about her screams, "I love her."

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but it really doesn't look any better today than it did before you spoke to him.

[sandylee1]

After his talk with you I deduce that he loves the ex, she loves him, bht doesn't trust him.

He said if it was him he'd probably leave the marriage. That's really telling you something.

 

He won't do ANYTHING to save the marriage, because he refuses to cut her out of his life.

 

You need to be prepared to loose your marriage to save it. Tell him it's NO CONTACT with her or you file for D. This will tell you who is more important to him or he'll take the 'friendship' back underground.

 

Stand your ground and don't put up with this. As another poster said it will be much harder to leave when you if you have kids.

 

I've read so many stories recently about married men going back to a former love. They say they always loved them and settled for the current wife.

 

You need to ascertain if this is how your H feels. I'd hate for him to tell yiu five or ten years from now that he never stopped loving her.

 

Seriously think about it.

[whichwayisup]

Then he went on saying that I shouldn't be mad at his ex and sister because he has been pursing ex just as much as she with him, and that when he's frustrated with me he talks to his sister and tells her things out of annoyance and now she thinks that I'm trying to control him and is making him unhappy. He that he is sorry about that and that he has tried to tell her that he didn't mean things he said but sister thinks he is backtracking to protect me.....

He said that he will do anything to make me happy and will make changes but he has loved ex since teenagers and cares about her and he wants to text her now and again to catch up. He said that he can't ask her to stop texting him, it will hurt her feelings.

So I asked him why he can't apply the things he likes to do with ex/talk about with me. He said that we are completely different and it feels different. He joked... "unless you get a personality transplant".......

 

Divorce him. REALLY READ the above. She is more important to him than you. He'd rather hurt you and allow you to suffer than his ex.

 

If my husband did this to me, I'd tell him to get the F out and to GO to the ex and to expect divorce papers immediately and never to speak to me again.

 

He also has NO right to tell you not to be upset/pissed off at the ex or his sister.

 

If you allow him that 'chance' under these conditions he's laid out for you, I promise you, you'll be here in less than 24 hours, upset and hurt about what he's done next by choosing her over you.

[LoveMyHusband]

Aw thanks for all of the advice. I appreciate it. Well I decided to talk it over with him. I know some suggested to just end it but I felt the need to hear him out before making a decision I feel weak for it but I guess I was hoping for a happy ending and for all it all to be sorted out.

 

To recap... (we talked for many hours so I tried to shorten it down)

He said that he knows he did wrong and feels bad for hurting me. He said that he would probably have left the marriage if the roles were reversed but he wants me to give him another chance. He said that he will do anything to keep our marriage including couples counselling, not seeing ex, seeing friends when she isn't around, talking to his sister etc.

 

 

In light of the nature of their relationship, the real reason why he wants you to give him another chance is in the event that he doesn't succeed in winning his ex back. You are his backup, not the woman he loves - that's her.

 

Then he went on saying that I shouldn't be mad at his ex and sister because he has been pursing ex just as much as she with him, and that when he's frustrated with me he talks to his sister and tells her things out of annoyance and now she thinks that I'm trying to control him and is making him unhappy. He that he is sorry about that and that he has tried to tell her that he didn't mean things he said but sister thinks he is backtracking to protect me.....

 

Um, yes you are 110% right to be mad at his ex. She is having an affair with your husband!!! He says he understands that you are angry and gives you that right but doesn't let you be mad at the ex??? He is protecting her because HE IS IN LOVE WITH HER, ALWAYS HAS BEEN, ALWAYS WILL BE. EVEN IF HE CHEATED ON HER YEARS AGO, HE STILL LOVED AND STILL DOES LOVE HER. If a guy were married to you and in love with you and he had a cheating past, it would not cross his mind to try to make amends for cheating on an ex years ago. What does it matter? It's a PAST relationship. But in your case, he hasn't put it in his past and wants a future with her.

 

He is getting frustrated with you because you are a hindrance to him and her being together, which is what he really wants, and he vents that to her and to his sister who is BFFs with the ex to boot.

 

His sister is accusing you of trying to control him and portraying you as a possessive nut because that's what she wants to believe you are even if you are in the right to demand that this ex get out of his life because he's married to you. People form their opinions based on their own biases; ultimately, it has nothing to do with how you actually are. This sister wants her brother for her BFF. You mentioned that his sister was upset about their breakup. She still is! That's what's motivating her to peg you as public enemy #1. It's really childish of her.

 

He said that he will do anything to make me happy and will make changes but he has loved ex since teenagers and cares about her and he wants to text her now and again to catch up. He said that he can't ask her to stop texting him, it will hurt her feelings.

 

Anything to make you happy? It might not make you happy now, but if he wanted to make you happy in the long run, he'd agree to you divorcing him.

 

He has "loved" his ex since they were teenagers? Need I say more? He LOVES (present tense) her. His saying he wants to text her to catch up and doesn't want to hurt her feelings by stopping is a euphemism for "I'm still in love with her, and I never want to be without her in my life."

 

So I asked him why he can't apply the things he likes to do with ex/talk about with me. He said that we are completely different and it feels different. He joked... "unless you get a personality transplant".......

 

Once again, need I say more???? You need a "personality transplant"? That really reeks of WTF?!!!! In other words, you are not her. You are not the woman he loves. Get out of this marriage NOW.

 

I asked does she mean more to him than our marriage and he said he loves me and wants to work marriage out. He said that ex loves him but is hesitant about taking him back because he cheated and is sure "making him work hard for it".... He said that he wants her to forgive him so he can move past the guilt but she keeps making jokes about him having commitment problems and it makes him feel worse because he made one mistake and not hundreds ?????? I really don't understand why he so desperately needs validation from her. He said that she is his best friend and I'm his wife and I can't be his best friend because both of us appeal to him in different ways. He said it's hard to explain but it isn't any offence to me. He said marriage means more to him than her and so he is happy to stop seeing her but still wants to check up on her.

 

Once again, he's still in love with her. "Hesitant about taking him back"? Why are they even having that sort of conversation? Isn't he married to you? She is talking about the notion of "taking him back" because he is most likely BEGGING her to take him back when you aren't around. She's "making him work hard for it"? Yes, and then when he's worked hard enough she will take him back. He would drop you in a heartbeat if she finally gave in, which she will someday. That's so blatantly obvious.

 

So wtf. I feel confused. He says that he will make changes but talk to her now and then. Well, I am thinking that that means making no changes at all. I feel like I need to end it. It just feels so difficult I know it sounds crazy but I still love him and care about him tons. I feel mad and betrayed too. It all is really sad. I know I need to get a grip.

 

No need for confusion. It's quite obvious he's still in love with her and you are just someone he married to settle for because he didn't know if he could be with her. Divorce this cad.

[LoveMyHusband]

Now that I finished responding to your post point by point, I will go for my own original post to reiterate my point.

 

Let me begin by saying this. Cut to the chase. DIVORCE HIS SORRY ARSE YESTERDAY. And on your way out, don't forget to give the finger to this ex and to that brazenly obnoxious sister of his. This isn't a marriage that can be saved even by counseling. It was done before it even started. He deceived you from the day he met you. It was a farce. You might even be able to have the marriage annulled on the basis of "fraud." Fraud because he didn't tell you he was in love with another woman the whole entire time he dated and subsequently married you.

 

When I was a single woman, I used to get upset with men who led me on and dated me all the while knowing they were still in love with their exes. Ultimately, they ended up marrying these women they hid from me once I was out of the picture.

 

Well, you know what? I never thought I could ever say anything good about them, but I actually can believe it or not thanks to your story. At least they didn't go as far in their deception to marry me and forge some facade of a happy marriage before giving me a rude awakening like your husband has given you.

 

In one of the situations where I was second fiddle, the number one girl was playing hard to get like this ex is doing you’re your husband now. She eventually gave in, and once he saw that there was a chance to be with her, the guy dropped me like a hot potato just days after saying he wanted to take his “relationship” with me to the next level. That’s what I foresee happening to you. And it’s going to hurt a million fold more because you’re married to him. (I wasn’t even committed to the men like you are.) He will eventually divorce you once she gives in, and that’s just a matter of time.

 

I have a friend who was in a similar situation as you are in right now. She found e-mails from his ex and her husband kept making all sorts of excuses to tone down the seriousness of the situation. To make the long story short, they are going through a divorce. (And there are children involved, so that makes it much more complicated. Don't stay long enough to let it get to that point.)

 

Remember Prince Charles and Princess Diana and the mistress Camilla? Well, before Di died she and Charles divorced. Charles had a history with Camilla that predated his courtship and marriage to Diana. And guess what? Charles eventually married Camilla. Same exact scenario. Girl, don’t play the fool now. Your husband is a cold-hearted snake. You’re still young. You’ll find someone. It sounds like you have low self-esteem. That’s what I had when I hung on to guys like this as a single woman.

[SJS]

So sorry you're going through this OP. There are so many red flags in your post...just the simple fact that he's friends with an ex isn't so much a problem, but that he hid it, and for so long, he knew it was wrong. And that his family was in on it as well. Just from what you wrote, to me it sounds like as soon as she gives him the green flag he'll dump you for her and that you're his "good enough for now" girl. I'm not a fan of ultimatums, but in this case there's no other choice...you or her. But the fact that he said he wouldn't give up on her completely...can an alcoholic go through treatment and come out saying he gets to drink every now and then still be 'cured'?

 

 

Like I said, so many red flags.

[sandylee1]

I asked does she mean more to him than our marriage and he said he loves me and wants to work marriage out. He said that ex loves him but is hesitant about taking him back because he cheated and is sure "making him work hard for it

 

------------------------------------------

 

He didn't answer you question about whether she means more to him than the marriage. Saying he wants the marriage to work doesn't answer the question.

 

My heart goes out to you right now. Even if the cheating/friendship stops, I would say it's blatantly obvious he will always love her. Do you really want to deal with that for the rest of your marriage? Really really think about it.

 

As far as his sister goes, tell him that she should not disrespect you like that and he needs to put a stop to it.

 

I'm not trying to be cruel. I'm just trying to get you to really take in and absorb what he's telling you.

 

If he can cheat on the love of his life, what chance do you really have here.

[IslaCutie]

Hi. Thanks for the advice and time from you all I appreciate it. Yeah I will end it, he's not here right now so will wait until he gets home. I didn't really want to ask him to pick one of us because he would only be picking because I'm telling him to, and he could also pick me but still carry on behind my back... and if he picks her then he gets satisfaction from it. I might have given him another chance if he was prepared to stop talking to her altogether for me. I didn't want to ask him to, I wanted him to want to but seems it didn't work out that way I know I could forgive him and check his phone and emails and stuff but it sounds like a hassle to go to such lengths to find out if he's being faithful when he should be telling me.

[sandylee1]

Hi. Thanks for the advice and time from you all I appreciate it. Yeah I will end it, he's not here right now so will wait until he gets home. I didn't really want to ask him to pick one of us because he would only be picking because I'm telling him to, and he could also pick me but still carry on behind my back... and if he picks her then he gets satisfaction from it. I might have given him another chance if he was prepared to stop talking to her altogether for me. I didn't want to ask him to, I wanted him to want to but seems it didn't work out that way I know I could forgive him and check his phone and emails and stuff but it sounds like a hassle to go to such lengths to find out if he's being faithful when he should be telling me.

 

 

Please please keep us posted. We care and want to help. Sorry it's come to this.

[MJJean]

Hi. Thanks for the advice and time from you all I appreciate it. Yeah I will end it, he's not here right now so will wait until he gets home. I didn't really want to ask him to pick one of us because he would only be picking because I'm telling him to, and he could also pick me but still carry on behind my back... and if he picks her then he gets satisfaction from it. I might have given him another chance if he was prepared to stop talking to her altogether for me. I didn't want to ask him to, I wanted him to want to but seems it didn't work out that way I know I could forgive him and check his phone and emails and stuff but it sounds like a hassle to go to such lengths to find out if he's being faithful when he should be telling me.

 

He knew the relationship with could/would mean you'd end the marriage. He even admitted if it was him he'd leave. So, he did make his choice. He chose his relationship with her knowing that if his deception and feelings for her were to be discovered it would mean you might leave him and he was ok with that or he wouldn't have continued contact with her.

 

You're a better woman than I am. If I'd found my husband lied to me for our entire relationship, tricked me into marrying him by conveniently forgetting to mention his ongoing love for an ex he was still in constant contact with and even seeing alone at her house to do husbandly tasks for her, and then had the nerve to tell me he was going to continue contact with her to avoid hurting her feelings, I'd be in jail.

[LoveMyHusband]

Hi. Thanks for the advice and time from you all I appreciate it. Yeah I will end it, he's not here right now so will wait until he gets home. I didn't really want to ask him to pick one of us because he would only be picking because I'm telling him to, and he could also pick me but still carry on behind my back... and if he picks her then he gets satisfaction from it. I might have given him another chance if he was prepared to stop talking to her altogether for me. I didn't want to ask him to, I wanted him to want to but seems it didn't work out that way I know I could forgive him and check his phone and emails and stuff but it sounds like a hassle to go to such lengths to find out if he's being faithful when he should be telling me.

 

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. What a horrible way to deceive someone by playing with their heart over the course of several years!!!! Keep us posted. I'm glad you are getting rid of this jerk. You deserve much better and will come out stronger than ever when this is done. If I were you, I would sue for the cost of the wedding and your gown. Maybe it will make the news and send a message to all the other cads out there who hurt people.

 

As for the sister, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.