Raena Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Just finished reading this whole thread and I have to say... it nearly brought me to tears. It's just awful what this man has done to you. He's convinced you that he loves you but his actions speak so much louder than his words. Even if he DID stop talking to her, you would never really know. You'd always be on eggshells wondering if he's lying to you again. He's done such a good job of hiding it from you for four years that how could you ever really trust what he says? I will say that at first I agreed with those saying you should go talk to her to see what she's hoping to gain out of it. I had that happen to me. I had a male friend I was very close with and his girlfriend sat me down one night and asked questions about my intentions and what our friendship was like. She's now my best friend and he and I don't talk as often. It does work out sometimes. BUT... he wasn't my ex boyfriend, or ex fiance and we didn't date for countless years with the love and support of his family. Any woman HAS to know that an ex-boyfriend who has married someone else is off limits for friendship. It's just not possible. In fact, it's a recipe for disaster just like is happening in your marriage. So, at first I agreed... yeah, go talk to her, find out what's going on. But you talked to HIM first and what he told you negates the need to go talk to her. He told you himself how he feels about her. That's all you really need to know. Don't get suckered in by his stories about how he'll do anything to save your marriage unless he actually DOES that. He'll have to really make a scene out of telling his family and his ex that she is no longer accepted in their family or in his life. It doesn't sound like that's going to happen with the sister acting like an arse to you, her being best buds with his ex, him running off to spend time with her and chat with her regularly. Honestly, this all just sounds like so much work to me that it's making me tired just thinking about it. If you have to work THAT hard to make your relationship work, then is it really worth it? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyHusband Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Need I say this yet another way? You are dealing with not one, not two, but three (3) A.H.'s in your marriage. That's a new record. Give all three of them the boot. Couldn't resist. Sounded too funny. Watch this old Britney Spears video. You can relate to the Britney character. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Hahahhaha... that guy is screwed! Good news to see some justice in the world even on such a small scale. I read your conversation with him OP. What he was telling you is that he would leave you for her IF she were to take her back. But she is not. She does not trust him and after what he has been doing to you she will trust him even less. He has lost you too. You are his second choice here. Never make a priority in your life a person for whom you are just an option. I am really sorry for everything you went through but stay strong, do not fall for any of his "i am going to change" bs, "things are going to be different" etc. He did not respect you and even if he sees now what he has done to his own life (as he does not care too much for what he is doing to you), it will last only as long as his ex or someone third crawls back into his life some day. Beside, do you really want to stay married to the guy that will badmouth you to his family and let his sister talk to you like she did? This is the guy that should stand by you and protect you no matter what. He is a child and far from adult. You definitely deserve better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 He's done such a good job of hiding it from you for four years that how could you ever really trust what he says? I know I wouldn't believe anything, ever, from the lips of a man who lied to me for 4 years AND had his family and friends in cahoots with him. If he said the sky was blue, I'd go check. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 So what is your plan in order to change things? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 So what is your plan in order to change things? She's done and ending the marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Like others here, my jaw dropped when I read that part about his "ex loves him but is hesitant about taking him back because he cheated and is sure 'making him work hard for it'." Why does the ex believe she's in a POSITION to "take him back"?? He's married! He's supposed to be off-limits! So basically, both of them are completely disregarding the marriage and playing a game of cat and mouse? This is horrible. Make him choose: You or her. If he chooses her... I am very sorry for the pain you'll go through, but it's better than being with a husband who loves another woman more than you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 So sorry he has put you through this. Stay strong and don't take this personally. The reason you shouldn't take it personally... he is clearly character flawed, so no matter who he is with, he will lie & cheat. He cheated on her with her friend. He omitted huge truths about himself & their "friendship". He lies to his family and tries to turn them against you. I can't believe he actually said he felt bad for giving her trust issues, while at the same time he's being sneaky & lying to you. This man has no integrity, no loyalty. He's missing that honor that is needed in order for a man to protect and respect his marriage. So while your circumstances are painful now, you will heal and you will move on. After your heart heals and you are looking for the next guy... if he admits he cheated before, take that as a red flag. People can change, but why take that risk if you don't have to? As for your husband, he will stuck in the same cycle, lying, cheating and betraying those he claims to love. Let it go and try not to let it make you jaded. There are still good guys out there. (((hugs)) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SJS Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Like others here, my jaw dropped when I read that part about his "ex loves him but is hesitant about taking him back because he cheated and is sure 'making him work hard for it'." Why does the ex believe she's in a POSITION to "take him back"?? He's married! He's supposed to be off-limits! Exactly! And for him to know this, shows that this is NOT an innocent "friendship"... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslaCutie Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Thanks for the advice and support Well yesterday I told him I wanted to end it and he didn’t seem that surprised. He said sorry for not being honest and wasting my time. He said that he did love me and wouldn’t have married me if he didn’t. He said to not take it personally and that I’m an amazing woman but ex was first love and you can’t help who you are in love with. He played the sympathy card for a while, saying he messed up, has done some stupid things and was talking about when we met and how in love we were and etc. He also had the nerve to ask me if I think ex will forgive him and what can he do to get her to. I said that he should grow up and be honest. He took some essentials and came back today to get other stuff, with his best friend. His best friend apologised to me for husband’s behaviour and we talked a little while. I asked if husband is going to stay with him and he said that my husband and ex are going to talk things over...... Wow so it didn’t take him any time at all to run back to her. Probably went straight to her. I feel sad because of how it all turned out but relieved when I think at least we didn’t have kids and what it would be like if I stayed with him. I will go no contact. I appreciate the support. I’ve learned a lot of stuff, like not to be taken advantage of and be more careful who I marry. When we met he was so lovely and understanding. He had assured me that he was over ex and did a good job at not ever bringing her up. Her posting couple-ly messages on facebook and him replying ... it just makes me think that they both probably wanted it to come to this Please please keep us posted. We care and want to help. Sorry it's come to this. Aww thanks He knew the relationship with could/would mean you'd end the marriage. He even admitted if it was him he'd leave. So, he did make his choice. He chose his relationship with her knowing that if his deception and feelings for her were to be discovered it would mean you might leave him and he was ok with that or he wouldn't have continued contact with her. You're a better woman than I am. If I'd found my husband lied to me for our entire relationship, tricked me into marrying him by conveniently forgetting to mention his ongoing love for an ex he was still in constant contact with and even seeing alone at her house to do husbandly tasks for her, and then had the nerve to tell me he was going to continue contact with her to avoid hurting her feelings, I'd be in jail. well it isn't worth it I'm so sorry you had to go through this. What a horrible way to deceive someone by playing with their heart over the course of several years!!!! Keep us posted. I'm glad you are getting rid of this jerk. You deserve much better and will come out stronger than ever when this is done. If I were you, I would sue for the cost of the wedding and your gown. Maybe it will make the news and send a message to all the other cads out there who hurt people. As for the sister, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Thanks, doesn't sound like a bad idea I will say that at first I agreed with those saying you should go talk to her to see what she's hoping to gain out of it. I had that happen to me. I had a male friend I was very close with and his girlfriend sat me down one night and asked questions about my intentions and what our friendship was like. She's now my best friend and he and I don't talk as often. It does work out sometimes. BUT... he wasn't my ex boyfriend, or ex fiance and we didn't date for countless years with the love and support of his family. Any woman HAS to know that an ex-boyfriend who has married someone else is off limits for friendship. It's just not possible. In fact, it's a recipe for disaster just like is happening in your marriage. So, at first I agreed... yeah, go talk to her, find out what's going on. But you talked to HIM first and what he told you negates the need to go talk to her. He told you himself how he feels about her. That's all you really need to know. That's a nice story. Like others here, my jaw dropped when I read that part about his "ex loves him but is hesitant about taking him back because he cheated and is sure 'making him work hard for it'." Why does the ex believe she's in a POSITION to "take him back"?? He's married! He's supposed to be off-limits! So basically, both of them are completely disregarding the marriage and playing a game of cat and mouse? That's a good point, I didn't think about it that way Need I say this yet another way? You are dealing with not one, not two, but three (3) A.H.'s in your marriage. That's a new record. Give all three of them the boot. Couldn't resist. Sounded too funny. Watch this old Britney Spears video. You can relate to the Britney character. Thanks for vid. Good song. What is AH? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 As painful as this is you for, at least he didn't string you along further and lie/deny it all to you, make it seem like you're nuts for not trusting him. Take care of you, rely on your good friends and family to help you through this. Hugs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ArtsAndCrafts Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Sorry that your marriage is over. But day-um! He is the most insensitive jerk I've heard of in a long time! Actually trying to talk to YOU about his chances with his ex while your heart is breaking right in front of him. After lying to you for years. What an a**hat. Good riddance, my dear. Now go find a good man who loves you. He's out there, I promise. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Broom Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Wow, he definitely has no remorse. Sounds like he NEVER stopped loving her. He probably didn't have any real issues with you, nor did you do anything wrong. He just can't seem to let this one go. But what is even more surprising is that he hasn't even secured her yet, and was willing to walk away from a good marriage + loving W for just a small chance at winning her back. And what an ******* move to ask you for TIPS on how he can better his efforts. SERIOUSLY? And he did not even blink or even for a second consider just letting her go? Wow. I am sorry for you, but good thing you had the NERVE to do it now (on your own terms). This would have just been worse much later. He would have kept this going and going until something happened and you had wasted even more of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Isla, I'm really sorry it turned out like this. But it shows that you were absolutely right to trust your gut instincts. It was completely unfair of your husband to marry you and start a life with you when, as it turns out, he was never fully on board. I can't imagine the outrage and pain you must feel over that. I'd definitely recommend that you go to counseling to sort through your emotions. And surround yourself with family and good friends. You don't have to go through this alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Isla, My heart goes out to you, it really does. I hope you can deal with this and move on. There are many of us here on these boards who have survived betrayal and come out the other side. Take heart, you can do it. Hugs x PS It sounds a lot like the Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer marriage .... I'm sorry... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyHusband Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Thanks for the advice and support Well yesterday I told him I wanted to end it and he didn’t seem that surprised. He said sorry for not being honest and wasting my time. He said that he did love me and wouldn’t have married me if he didn’t. He said to not take it personally and that I’m an amazing woman but ex was first love and you can’t help who you are in love with. He played the sympathy card for a while, saying he messed up, has done some stupid things and was talking about when we met and how in love we were and etc. He also had the nerve to ask me if I think ex will forgive him and what can he do to get her to. I said that he should grow up and be honest. He took some essentials and came back today to get other stuff, with his best friend. His best friend apologised to me for husband’s behaviour and we talked a little while. I asked if husband is going to stay with him and he said that my husband and ex are going to talk things over...... Wow so it didn’t take him any time at all to run back to her. Probably went straight to her. I feel sad because of how it all turned out but relieved when I think at least we didn’t have kids and what it would be like if I stayed with him. I will go no contact. I appreciate the support. I’ve learned a lot of stuff, like not to be taken advantage of and be more careful who I marry. When we met he was so lovely and understanding. He had assured me that he was over ex and did a good job at not ever bringing her up. Her posting couple-ly messages on facebook and him replying ... it just makes me think that they both probably wanted it to come to this Aww thanks well it isn't worth it Thanks, doesn't sound like a bad idea That's a nice story. That's a good point, I didn't think about it that way Thanks for vid. Good song. What is AH? I'm happy you are leaving a loveless marriage. However, I didn't know I could be more appalled by this until I heard he had the audacity to behave like he did when you told him you were ending it. He goes on about how in love you were when you met and then he has the nerve to admit that he never stopped loving his ex. He admitted what we've all suspected all along. He was in love with her the whole time he was with you. And then to add more insult to injury, this insensitive POS asks YOU (the woman he hurt with his deception) if he could really get her back. I would have told him outright what a jerk he was being. Those two A.H.'s (I used A.H. to avoid cursing) deserve each other. There may be love but there will always be a history of infidelity in their story. It sucks to be them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Good riddance!! That relationship with an ex will not work for too long. She will never trust him and without trust there is not much of relationship left. Once she gets him back it will be all about where and with whom he is. Once she cheated on her with her friend. That will never leave her. He emotionally cheated and lied to his wife for years. Nobody would be crazy to trust this guy. They are on their way to misery together. She stole a married man from someone, nothing to be proud of. I would not want to be in his shoes when everything he has done comes back to catch up with him. The ex just might need some closure with him. She never had it. As for you, time will make it so that you feel better as the weeks and month go by... And then you will be happy again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Isla, Sorry it turned out this way. You know it's a blessing in disguise that the sister mentioned they were still in touch, otherwise this could have dragged on for longer. That's more years ticking on when you could be moving forward with your life. Im glad you don't have kids with him, so if can be a clean break. When you've sorted out any marital assets you can leave him behind and put this down to experiences. Believe me, most of us have stories of pain in our past. I know I certainly hope have. I'm unimpressed with him asking if he could get her back, how foolish and insensitive. You now have a real shot at happiness and I'm sure you'll find it. You can move on gracefully. You know when something really bad happens to me or close family , I think of all the horrible situations in the world like those being held prisoner as hostsges, people on modern day slavery,kids in the third world forced to marry as young as 8 years old. Then I realise my situation is nothing compared to their suffering. It puts in perspective I guess. I'm not minimizing your pain. Its just a coping mechanism I've adopted. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Take care of yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SparkleUk Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 I really really feel for you and this is just horrible. Not much of a man to deceive you for so long. How are you now a month down the line? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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