I gave him a second chance but i have fallen out of love

[vintage87]

I have been with my fiancee for 8 years. We have two boys together and he has two daughters. We are recently engaged since Thanksgiving. I broke up with him for three weeks and left town. I returned a few days before Thanksgiving and he proposed. During the short break he begged, pleaded and cried everyday for my return. This was the first time we ever broke up in 8 years. This was the first time he has ever seen me put my foot down and walk out on his mess. When I returned home and he proposed I felt good for two weeks are so. We were going to church as a family, signed up for couple counseling and I was really seeing effort on his part. However, I just did not feel right. Over the past 8 years our relationship has not been perfect at all. There was infidelity on both ends during our fourth year together. He ended up getting his mistress pregnant and I stayed. Long story short we worked pass this and the child is in the picture now. My boyfriend also has a very bad anger problem. He has punched holes in walls and broken things. When he is angry is has called me the worse names imaginable. He also made me feel guilty and horribly for two years after he found out I cheated. Even though he cheated first continued doing so; and I only cheated after getting tired of him lying. I was 23 at the time so cheating in revenge was wrong and stupid on my part two. However, after he got his mistress pregnant at the same time I was pregnant with our second baby. I stayed around for the whole ordeal and he continued to treat me like crap. We eventually worked it out and things were moving forward for a while. For several months or more there was no fighting, drama or cheating on his part. Then last year in June we had a misunderstanding just before our trip to the Bahamas that I planned for his birthday. He became violent, called me every name in the book and so on. I forgave him and we still went to the Bahamas. Although, he was all over me in the Bahamas and kept telling me how thankful he was for the best birthday ever; I was still traumatized by the incident the day before leaving. I felt like wow after all this time I thought he has learned to respect me and our relationship. This was the first strike of falling out of love. Three months later it happened again and this time I kicked him out. He sent text messages calling me names and when he saw that he was not getting to me. He begin to beg and plead for forgiveness and promised never to call me out my name again. Three months later it happened again twice in a month. Name calling on his part, him yelling and not giving me time to talk (no communication) and being bluntly disrespectful. He called his baby mama in front of my face telling her about the dispute (not the mistress baby mama but baby mama prior to our relationship, she has a live in bf, but she dislikes me too and befriends his mom so he was dead wrong). This time I packed and left. When I left he was not name calling or disrespectful for the first time ever. He was literally crying like a baby every day and night on the phone. I came back and he has done a whole 360. He has been cooking me dinner, being more active with our boys, treating me really special and being extra clingy. However, I feel like the last confrontation wiped all my love away. I don't want to have sex, cuddle, kiss, I don't find him attractive, I'm annoyed and irritated and when I say I love you it feels flat. I think he took me for granted for too long and treated me like trash for too long. I have accepted the kid he had with another chick (took her in my home, fed her, bathed her etc) while he was at work. The kid calls me mom so she has been around since birth!!! Last year I was not invited to the baby's birthday party because he was afraid the baby mama would be mad and cause a scene. However, this year he wants me there because I guess he's not concerned about what she thinks now and wants to take our relationship serious now. His mama has sabotaged my name. She dislikes me for no apparent reason and has also caused a lot of drama between us. He finally put the mama in her place and told her she can no longer disrespect me because he is marrying me. He is doing everything too late. I have been trying to force the feelings to go away but it is becoming stronger. I feel bad because my bf is not a bad person. He was abused and neglected as a child and has emotional and anger issues from this. He is even willing to get help but I'm just tired of being in the relationship. I want to move on. He also has a lot of baggage. Two baby mamas, financial problems, no ged or diploma and has a hard time obtaining a decent job, but these things never bothered me into now. I accepted him and have always tried to help him get on his feet. I don't know how to get out the relationship because he just proposed, we have two boys and live together. He seems to be head over heals about me and I was too up until the recent altercations last year. He has pushed me way. I do care about him and I know he will be crushed if I leave him. what do i do?

Edited January 26, 2015 by vintage87

[amaysngrace]

He gave you a ring to get you to stay. My exH use to do the same crap.

 

So how many times has he begged and pleaded with you to get you to stay and said that he would change? How long lasting were those changes? Permanent or just long enough to get you to change your mind and stay?

 

Getting married won't make him a new man and be able to actually change. I think you know that...which is why it was up to you to change instead.

 

You sound like you're on the right track. Stay strong.

[vintage87]

I feel a little guilty for feeling this way too. I never thought i would feel this way about this man. I was suicidal and tried to overdose in the past when he was seeing the other girl to hurt me for cheating. I weighed 88 pounds at my lowest and looked anorexic. I was crazy in love with him an willing to do any and everything. I can't believe I feel this way about him now but every person has their breaking point.

[Dlucio1]

OMG I'm in the same boat. My husband has always called me bad names. The worst names ever and has anger issues. After his LDA I wanted so badly to repair our marriage, but I don't feel like it anymore. I still care about him but I feel the love is leaving me. There is a reason for it. We have been emotionally abused for so long, tired of the roller coaster, we've forgiven too much that we have begun to b doormats and taken for granted. He still blames me for the LDA because I'm disrespectful and talk back. So, I wish I can b like u, but it's coming close.

[KBarletta]

I think he took me for granted for too long and treated me like trash for too long.

 

Just keep reminding yourself of this. ^^

 

This relationship sounds terribly unhealthy, and he has had numerous chances in the past to change his ways but sounds like he keeps going back to the same violent, angry, disrespectful behavior. Also, it sounds like he only proposed because he was afraid of losing you. Also, four kids with three different women and not married to any of them? He sounds like a player. All of which points to the fact that you deserve better.

 

I think you need to make a clean break and move on. You aren't married, which makes it much less complicated. I would move out, keep any contact you have with him solely about your kids, and make sure you protect yourself and your kids because he sounds like he could get violent with you and/or the children. Be careful.

[GoBlue]

You have two boys together so those who think there is such a thing as a "clean break" are living somewhere else other than reality. I don't know what you should or shouldn't do. The honest to goodness truth is that you have the same issues any other married couple may have. Even though you aren't technically married you've still been living as a married couple. There is help available if you want it. He may have waited too long but at least he has put forth a real and true effort. A measurable change has been made that you can see and feel. You stayed for eight years and now that he is showing a true change of heart you can't muster up any love? I am not an expert - this relationship has been a mess - but things can change when a heart is transformed. Why not commit yourself to this couple's counseling and see what comes of it? Be honest in the process and share the concerns that you have and let him see what damage was done by his disrespect and bad behavior. By saying that things can change understand what I am not saying - I am not saying you should ever allow anger and disrespect to be a part of this relationship again. I am saying people can change under the right circumstances.