Shes driving me crazy.

[3506]

First of all I'm not looking someone to tell me what I should do I'm looking for advice on what it all means. after you hear my story I'm sure you'll have opinions about me.

I'm 32 years old and I've been married for 9 years prior to getting married I only had 2 or 3 girlfriends but nothing serious.my wife and I have one little boy who is 7 years old over the course of the last six or seven years my wife and I have become very distant and our relationship has made me wonder why we even got married in the first place we both put a lot of effort into our marriage however we are now just roommates. We have gone to counseling but we just dont click. We have tried working through our problems but for some reason it just doesn't seem right there doesn't seem to be much of an attraction physically or emotionally and I feel very out of place. I have always had opportunities to cheat emotionally and physically on my spouse however I always took the high road and walked away which leads me to my current dilemma.

About 6 months ago I was transferred in my job to a new location I spent a lot of time trying to develop relationships with other employees as we rely on eachother to complete projects.About 4 months ago I started a project me too very closely with other employees one of those employees was Amber a part time intern. From the very beginning I had a physical attraction to Amber she is very pretty, smart, and kind. We exchanged phone numbers and started to text each other on a daily basis sometimes about work and sometimes about other things. We really have a lot in common. After about a month she asked me if I had snapchat I downloaded the app and we began to communicate through the app again we spoke every single day. She began to get more flirty with me both in person and on chat she would wink at me, stick her tongue out at me,touch me and do all the things that would indicate that she was interested in me. I began to reciprocate and do them back then one night she started sending me pictures of her in the shower and getting ready for bed and over the course of the next few hours we exchange pictures and she told me how much she wanted me she sent me several naked pictures.

She contacted me the next day and apologize for what happened the night before she's told me that she did not ever want to do it again and that she was sorry she also told me that she had a boyfriend up until this point this was new news she said she felt very guilty and it can never happen again.

Much to my surprise she still chatted with me every single day talking to me, asking me questions, and telling me about her relationship with her boyfriend. Whenever we work together she gives me no indication that she does not want to have a relationship with me we still chat with each other everyday we give long hugs, and she flirts with me while at work. What has changed however is she will now send me random pictures of her boyfriend with hearts on it. I never respond to those chats.

She totally shuts down when I compliment her. If I tell her I think she is pretty or I like her smile she will not talk to me for a few days. Howevery the last time I walked her to her car she complained about not working enough together and asked me if I could figure out a way to make the schedule work in our favor. I have not heard from her since (3days). I am completely confused about what this girl wants. I have tried to respect her wishes and have not tried to get more physical with her even though every time I see her I want to.

 

Again I realize im married and I realize she has a boyfriend and I realize we work together. I am only trying to figure out what she wants from me. She is my first and last though of everyday and as much as I had hoped this would just go away in my head but it has not and I think I have completely fallen for her. Please help.

[Realist3]

First of all I'm not looking someone to tell me what I should do I'm looking for advice on what it all means.

 

What it all means is that you are in the beginning stages of an emotional affair, and she is either a.) trying to wrap her head around that issue, or b.) playing the push pull game. Maybe even both.

[Methodical]

About 6 months ago I was transferred in my job to a new location I spent a lot of time trying to develop relationships with other employees as we rely on eachother to complete projects.About 4 months ago I started a project me too very closely with other employees one of those employees was Amber a part time intern. From the very beginning I had a physical attraction to Amber she is very pretty, smart, and kind. We exchanged phone numbers and started to text each other on a daily basis sometimes about work and sometimes about other things. We really have a lot in common. After about a month she asked me if I had snapchat I downloaded the app and we began to communicate through the app again we spoke every single day. She began to get more flirty with me both in person and on chat she would wink at me, stick her tongue out at me,touch me and do all the things that would indicate that she was interested in me. I began to reciprocate and do them back then one night she started sending me pictures of her in the shower and getting ready for bed and over the course of the next few hours we exchange pictures and she told me how much she wanted me she sent me several naked pictures.

She contacted me the next day and apologize for what happened the night before she's told me that she did not ever want to do it again and that she was sorry she also told me that she had a boyfriend up until this point this was new news she said she felt very guilty and it can never happen again.

 

After being reassigned, you spent a lot of time developing relationships with co-workers. Typically people put their best foot forward when developing relationships and she was attracted to you. She acted on those initials feelings and later regretted it. I believe if she could rewind time, she'd have never send the pictures and there would have been no flirtatious bantering. But, what's done is done. All she can do now is move forward. You two have to work together so she's doing her best to remain friendly, but not in a romantic sort of way. When you compliment her, she withdraws because she feels that is crossing the line, given past mistakes. She enjoys working alongside you, but she wants it to stay professional, nothing more, and suggestive comments make her uncomfortable.

[smackie9]

Call it what you want but it IS an emotional affair. Some people seem to think it's sort of OK because sex is not involved, but in reality it's over stepping relationship boundaries.

 

So what is she doing? She is just using you for attention that she no longer gets from her own BF. It gives her an ego boost, makes her feel desired....it's just like a drug addiction, once you start it's really difficult to stop.

[Standard-Fare]

She's f*cking around with your head and getting off on it. I don't think it sounds like she has any real intention of actually doing anything with you.

 

Which is for the best, because, as a reminder: YOU'RE MARRIED. All of this is pretty inappropriate and if you pursue it further, you're going to find yourself in a huge mess.

 

No one can read your thread and ignore the bigger issue here, which is that you feel stuck in an unsatisfying marriage and your interest is wandering elsewhere. That's the problem you need to deal with.

[smackie9]

I agree it's not what you hope it to be. This is not a budding forbidden love/romance, with you two making out in the janitorial closet at lunch time.

 

It's a wakeup call.....time to get out of your crappy marriage and start dating again. Everyone gets divorced, it happens everyday.

 

having an affair is not your answer.

[Broom]

Or she might be using you to get ahead professionally. She baited you in and will use your clout to get favor on this job.

 

You said she was an intern, and definitely she knows what she's doing.

[umirano]

I don't see how this is complicated. Obv things haver run its course with your wife. Divorce her, share custody, you can still take care of your child. When you're on your own look for a partner who you're more compatible and hopefully happier with.

 

Good luck.

[GoBlue]

First of all I'm not looking someone to tell me what I should do I'm looking for advice on what it all means...

 

It means that you both are confused and have no idea what you want. What do you think will be the outcome if something physical does happen in this relationship? You have already opened the door to possible harassment charges. If you and your wife think it's worth staying together then why don't you do whatever it takes to fix what you have at home? There will always be attractive women out there that you "have a lot in common with," always. I hope this doesn't end in disaster.

[Radu]

You are dealing with your average 20yr old girl who has a bf ... can rationalize anything ... and thinks of herself as a relationship expert ... who also gets a little bit off on being wanted ... who doesn't understand the implications of being involved with someone who is married and at work [you don't either but at least she is starting to realize stuff like this] ... and who feels little risk to her career.

In short you are dealing with an immature person who is trying to figure stuff out and who is at no risk.

OTOH you are a married man with a family and are in fact trying to fill the emotional void in your life with this Emotional Affair [and it is an affair already] ... so not much smarter either.

 

Separate in full from her.

Go NC as much as possible; stop complimenting and mirror her reactions and words back to go to the same level of interest.

Otherwise it will go into a full affair and you might end up torpedo-ing both your career and your family; keep the records [her pictures and contacts] to show she was in full participation or an initiator actually ... just in case it gets to a situation where your career might be at risk [or your freedom ... if she accuses you of sexual harassment or even worse].

Edited January 29, 2015 by Radu