hyrule Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 So last Friday's night some friends of mine invited me and my fiancé to a local pub to drink some beers and catch up. We were all having fun and at some point the conversation went to the topic "stupid things we did when we were younger". My family was mormon (I'm not) and, until I moved out, my parents made me go with them knocking on people's doors to talk about religion, I hated that. I told that I used to provoke them by going out partying on the previous night and going knocking on people's door smelling vodka and with hickeys on my neck. I used to go to the guy's house I hooked up on the previous night to make my parents embarassed. Well, among other thins I told, it's something stupid I used to do, so I told on the table. I felt my fiancé got a little unconfortable when I said this but he didn't say anything. When we went home I asked what was wrong and he said he always feels embarassed and really awkward when I tell stories to others about guys I hooked up with or anything of the kind in front of him. He said everyone was looking to him awkwardly and some with a smirk on the face. He didn't get angry at me or anything, but he asked: "Could you please NOT touch on this subject when you're with me? It makes me feel really unconfortable..." I don't get this, really...it's past and gone and I'm not this kind of girl anymore. I got mad at him and I told him I shouldn't have to think about what I'm going to say all the time just because he thinks it's stupid. Now I feel he's sad with me, I really don't get why he got so upset by something that happened ages ago. I'm not like that anymore. Should I apologize? Link to post Share on other sites
Davey L Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I would think probably it was the discussing it with others in front of him that he was uncomfortable with rather than the act itself. I would feel awkward in his situation and I wouldn't talk like that in front of my wife either. But if I were him I'd be OK with an apology if you didn't do it again 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 People are always saying that they wished the men in their lives communicated better and shared their feelings with them and communicated their their dissatisfactions with them before blowing up the relationship and dumping them. He has now communicated and shared his feelings with you on a behavior that he finds distasteful and embarrassing and humiliating in front of his friends. You do not have to agree with his rationale if you don't want but you have been warned and he has been upfront about it. Just be aware that you may not get another warning. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
kylle Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I agree with Davey... It's got nothing to do with your past or who you were. We were all idiots at one time, even your fiancé I bet. But tell me something...how would you react if it was him telling he'd go around with hickeys on his neck visiting girls he banged the night before? I'd apologize and never do it again... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Well you now have another stupid thing you did that I hope you have learned not to talk about. In addition, I hope that you never knowingly introduce your fiancée/husband to anyone you "hooked up with" as that would be even more disrespectful. That means any of the friends you were with the other night or might be with in the future. He should not have to smile at or shake someone's hand who had that hand on your body. It of course works the same way in reverse for any of his prior girlfriends. You sound like you're still somewhat young and I know I'm old so take it for what it's worth. Just sayin', Twosadthings Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 So last Friday's night some friends of mine invited me and my fiancé to a local pub to drink some beers and catch up. We were all having fun and at some point the conversation went to the topic "stupid things we did when we were younger". My family was mormon (I'm not) and, until I moved out, my parents made me go with them knocking on people's doors to talk about religion, I hated that. I told that I used to provoke them by going out partying on the previous night and going knocking on people's door smelling vodka and with hickeys on my neck. I used to go to the guy's house I hooked up on the previous night to make my parents embarassed. Well, among other thins I told, it's something stupid I used to do, so I told on the table. I felt my fiancé got a little unconfortable when I said this but he didn't say anything. When we went home I asked what was wrong and he said he always feels embarassed and really awkward when I tell stories to others about guys I hooked up with or anything of the kind in front of him. He said everyone was looking to him awkwardly and some with a smirk on the face. He didn't get angry at me or anything, but he asked: "Could you please NOT touch on this subject when you're with me? It makes me feel really unconfortable..." I don't get this, really...it's past and gone and I'm not this kind of girl anymore. I got mad at him and I told him I shouldn't have to think about what I'm going to say all the time just because he thinks it's stupid. Now I feel he's sad with me, I really don't get why he got so upset by something that happened ages ago. I'm not like that anymore. Should I apologize? Curious? I too was raised Mormon. We **never** went door to door talking about religion. In fact, I've never heard of this in the LDS religion/Mormon. Trained Missionaries were the ones to be knocking on doors. Jehova Witnesses however DO go door to door. Where are you from? Link to post Share on other sites
dental Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 (edited) It's just showing of what a wild rebel you were (underlying message: still are). Very childish. Keep that sh*t private. Edited January 27, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author hyrule Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 Do you guys really think what I did was THAT bad? I mean I get that he could be jealous but it was never my intention. Ever since that episode he is very distant and cold, isn't he kinda overreacting? I feel he's being unfair to me, I was just telling a story and it was something that happened ages ago... If it was him telling some kind of story I would be jealous of course but I wouldn't become THIS upset, it's a big overreaction isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Anderlie Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Honestly a story like that wouldn't bother me if my husband told it but that's just me. We both have had partners before, big deal. Unlike us it bothers your partner and generally I'd say tone it down just to respect his boundaries but if he's still being rude about it that's a red flag. Is he generally possessive or jealous? Maybe he was really inexperienced when you got together and is feeling insecure? Did you actually apologise yet or have you been on the defensive? Sitting down and talking calmly may resolve a lot of this. Link to post Share on other sites
Almond_Joy Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Do you guys really think what I did was THAT bad? I mean I get that he could be jealous but it was never my intention. Ever since that episode he is very distant and cold, isn't he kinda overreacting? I feel he's being unfair to me, I was just telling a story and it was something that happened ages ago... If it was him telling some kind of story I would be jealous of course but I wouldn't become THIS upset, it's a big overreaction isn't it? If he's telling you your friends were also looking awkward and smirking, then it sounds like they all felt the account was in bad taste. It would be polite of you not to bring up stories like that in the future unless you're with really close mutual friends or family, people who know you both very well. I personally don't think it's a story to be ashamed or uncomfortable about, but plenty of people would. I get the impression your fiance 's ashamed of your past or doesn't like to think you can act that way from this also. Maybe you're comfortable with a level of openness with outsiders that your bf doesn't share. You putting up a fight about keeping this to yourself does come off a bit petulant. If it were me I'd try to accommodate the request, it's not unreasonable. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Do you guys really think what I did was THAT bad? I mean I get that he could be jealous but it was never my intention. Ever since that episode he is very distant and cold, isn't he kinda overreacting? I feel he's being unfair to me, I was just telling a story and it was something that happened ages ago... If it was him telling some kind of story I would be jealous of course but I wouldn't become THIS upset, it's a big overreaction isn't it? And are you really THAT shallow, boarish and insensitive??? Women always complain about guys slutshaming and here you slutshamed yourself right in front of him and his friends. The fact that you don't get why he is turned off at all is what I find so odd about this story. I question whether you two are compatible at all. You seem to be on completely different wavelengths and have differing values and moepres when it comes to sexuality and just common sense and decency. I have the feeling he is questioning that as well. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 ....and I really don't even know if this has anything to do with jealousy per se. It probably has more to do with tact and decorum. He has to be wondering if you act like this in front of his friends, how are you going to behave around his grandmother and his nosey Aunt Beulah? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Maybe he is wondering if you are really wife material. The fact that you needed to come on here to ask about whether you need to apologise, shows a lack of self awareness and disregard for his feelings. He has asked you to marry him. Maybe now he is looking at your behaviour and response to his concerns and wondering if he's made the right choice. You should have listened to what he said, realised your behaviour was unacceptable and then apologised. The fact that you are still arguing the toss on here tells a lot about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hyrule Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 Honestly a story like that wouldn't bother me if my husband told it but that's just me. We both have had partners before, big deal. Unlike us it bothers your partner and generally I'd say tone it down just to respect his boundaries but if he's still being rude about it that's a red flag. Is he generally possessive or jealous? Maybe he was really inexperienced when you got together and is feeling insecure? Did you actually apologise yet or have you been on the defensive? Sitting down and talking calmly may resolve a lot of this. He was never rude about this, it was me who snapped at him because I thought he was overreacting. He wasn't inexperienced, he had more girlfriends than I had boyfriends, and we both knew each other for a long time before we started dating and got engaged. I really don't get why he needs to be this upset but I guess I'll just have to respect his wish and not talk about this kind of thing anymore...after all, I was rude to him lots of time because he said stuff I didn't like and he never mentioned the subject again Link to post Share on other sites
Author hyrule Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 If he's telling you your friends were also looking awkward and smirking, then it sounds like they all felt the account was in bad taste. It would be polite of you not to bring up stories like that in the future unless you're with really close mutual friends or family, people who know you both very well. I personally don't think it's a story to be ashamed or uncomfortable about, but plenty of people would. I get the impression your fiance 's ashamed of your past or doesn't like to think you can act that way from this also. Maybe you're comfortable with a level of openness with outsiders that your bf doesn't share. You putting up a fight about keeping this to yourself does come off a bit petulant. If it were me I'd try to accommodate the request, it's not unreasonable. I guess so, the story wasn't even about me going partying, it was more about me rebelling against my parents and my ex-religion, that's why I didn't get why he was so upset... I'll just keep my mouth shut about this kind of thing. He doesn't talk about his past so I guess I shouldn't either... Link to post Share on other sites
Author hyrule Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 And are you really THAT shallow, boarish and insensitive??? Women always complain about guys slutshaming and here you slutshamed yourself right in front of him and his friends. The fact that you don't get why he is turned off at all is what I find so odd about this story. I question whether you two are compatible at all. You seem to be on completely different wavelengths and have differing values and moepres when it comes to sexuality and just common sense and decency. I have the feeling he is questioning that as well. It wasn't his friends, they were mine. Well of course they were his friends also, but they know me a long time before him, and I guess it's important to tell that they are homossexuals, so the talk on the table was very cheerful and laughable. We were all having a blast. And I have to say we've been together for 4 years now and we never had trouble on this kind of subject. We knew each other for a long time before we started dating and got engaged. Our life goals are compatible, we both help each other all the time on acomplishing dreams and we were always happy together. But I get now, I should just keep my mouth shut. If he doesn't like to touch this kind of subject, I just have to accept it and respect it. After all, I guess he would do (actually already did) the same for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hyrule Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 Maybe he is wondering if you are really wife material. The fact that you needed to come on here to ask about whether you need to apologise, shows a lack of self awareness and disregard for his feelings. He has asked you to marry him. Maybe now he is looking at your behaviour and response to his concerns and wondering if he's made the right choice. You should have listened to what he said, realised your behaviour was unacceptable and then apologised. The fact that you are still arguing the toss on here tells a lot about you. I got angry because I wasn't telling the story like I was all proud of myself for going around showing hickeys on my neck or anything. The story was more about me rebelling against my parents than anything else, or at least that's how I tried to sound. Gosh I don't go around telling people stories about what I did in the past, we were among friends and we were all having fun. That doesn't make me less of wife material. But I get it now, I should just respect the fact that he felt bad and I shouldn't have pushed the subject. I'll apologize to him and I'll promise I'll never do this kind of thing again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hyrule Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 Curious? I too was raised Mormon. We **never** went door to door talking about religion. In fact, I've never heard of this in the LDS religion/Mormon. Trained Missionaries were the ones to be knocking on doors. Jehova Witnesses however DO go door to door. Where are you from? Yes, mormons in my city are WAY off than they should be. They are more like Jehovah's Witness than mormons per se. I know, it's screwed. That was some of the things that make me not want to follow their religion. I'm not from the US, btw. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Just stop telling that story overall. Sometimes the things we do, or did, were for a good reason but that doesn't mean others can relate to it or understand. This is not the person you are anymore but it probably bothered your fiancé because it made you look cheap, which is a reflection on him. You need to know this because you're obviously clueless to this fact. It's basically something you can't take back now because you already said it, and the image has been put in everyone's minds. You need to tell your fiancé that you're sorry. Don't over-apologize but you need to. And then drop it. Hopefully he'll come back around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 We have all done wild things in the past, some are funny, some are shocking, but we filter out who we tell them to, otherwise it can cause upset and even alarm. As your fiance now sees you as wife material, then wild stories about hooking up with men, hickeys, smelling of old vodka, disrespecting your family and dissing your religion are not just funny anecdotes, they tell something about you as a person. That person he is obviously not proud of, as that person is embarrassing to him and his sense of self. He is damaged by association too. I guess, his wife and the potential mother of his children needs to be squeaky clean, not someone who sounds cheap sexually and flouts authority and thinks it is hilarious. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kylle Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Do you feel the NEED to speak about this kind of stuff? Do you feel good when you talk about it? As good as you may feel, you should just apologize and drop it. Your fiancé doesn't have any obligation to hear stuff that makes him feel embarassed or awkward. You have said he has done it for you (dropt a subject you didn't like), so just do the same for him. What's more important for you: living your life with him or living your life speaking about your rebellion years? PS: if you FEEL THE NEED to speak about it, just go out by yourself with your friends, but don't make him be a part of it. Organize a day out with them and him with his friends. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 (edited) I think the stories of rebelling a little is fine, but the hooking up stories are out of line in front if his friends. I will go farther - and apology to him may not cut it, you are going to have to do some damage control, next time your with his friends. Elevate him and yourself and the relationship in front of them - because despite what some will say - we do care what our buddies think of our GF and future wives. Edited January 27, 2015 by dichotomy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 There's a chance that he feels disrespected when you tell these stories in front of him. I'm pretty relaxed but I'd not be too happy about it either, and it wouldn't be a jealousy thing. I'd feel bad for a friend if his fiancé was telling these types of stories in front of him because I feel it shows little respect for their relationship. I do think what's even worse though, is that you got mad at HIM for telling you how he feels about something, especially when he did it in a mature way, without blowing up and getting angry. I'd apologize for both telling the stories in front of him and for getting angry when he shared how he felt about that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Thicke2013 Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I have two words for you to consider. Context and tone. What is the context of the story and the tone in which it was told/received. My wife and I have talked about everything in probably more detail than needed. However one night while out with some of her friends she started telling a story about an old flame and it was one I had heard before and she and I even talked about before. It was not a new story to me. However, what was new was the context and tone. She seemed excited, happy, and talked about the thrill. All of these things made me feel as if she missed that person and that moment. Something I had never questioned before. It made me feel extremely uncomfortable and degraded actually. I was pretty upset. She too got a little angry with me when I broached the subject with her because in her eyes it wasn't a new story and we had discussed at length how she wasn't that person anymore. Sometime later while discussing it again, she saw it from my perspective and how her actions, body language, context of the story, and her tone of voice played the story out totally different. A man wants to feel respected first and foremost IMO. At that moment while you were reliving one of your drunken, rebellious hook-ups, it came across to him as bragging or possibly that you missed that type of lifestyle. You only made matters worse by berating him when he tried to express to you that this bothered him. Oldshirt is right, you want the lines of communication open in a marriage and you have damaged that for him right now. By lashing out at him you showed him that his feelings don't matter if you don't agree with what he is saying. That is dangerous ground to treat on. To fix this you need to apologize and ask what exactly about it upset him and promise to do things differently next time. You also need to ensure him that you want him to come to you when things bother him and you also want to know that you can go to him as well. Good luck OP. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hyrule Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 Well thanks for everyone who posted here... I apologized to him and asked what exactly bothered him. He said he felt embarassed and disrespected about me telling joyfully about those experiences. He told me he knew I didn't mean to but he couldn't help feeling that way. I said I was sorry and I would watch about what I speak of in front of our friends. It didn't help that everyone was drunk at the time and it just kinda skiped out of me... I wouldn't want him to talk about girls he banged or hooked up with in ANY context. I was dumb as hell for telling the story and now I feel horrible and ashamed because I disrespected my future husband and made him embarassed in front of others... He said everything is fine now, but I don't know...I feel it's gonna be a while until things go back to way they used to be :/ I really hope I didn't ruin everything by my dumb as **** actions 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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