About Disrespect and Ignorance

[glamtran]

It seems like the consensus here is not to overlook it. But there is intentional disrespect such as cheating or abuse, and there is also unintentional disrespect that comes from being young and inexperienced and operating within your knowledge base, as we all do. Isn't there?

 

I used to date a guy who had never been in a relationship before. I don't think it was malicious but he did like strip clubs and let's just say one night he crossed a few boundaries that made me very uncomfortable and not good enough. All the while he ignored me. I told him how I felt and we broke up. Then we got back together but he still remained in touch with these dancers from the club even outside of the club via text and email. They were his "friends" and he's lonely. I've seen him struggle with isolation depression and loneliness so to a point I can sympathize. I've been there too.

 

I do sort of believe that this is all he knows. We all make mistakes, resort to what we know, and I don't think he was looking to intentionally hurt me. But his patterns continued.

 

So I don't know. In some ways he was the PERFECT guy for me, but I know this stripper stuff is not in my value system. And I don't want that in a relationship but he had some great qualities. So, does it matter if it's intentional or unintentional? Or is there even a difference in the grand scheme of things?

[rec88]

If he hurt you, it doesn't matter if it's intentional not. What matters is that he understands why you're upset and what he did to contribute to it. It's the most frustrating thing when someone hurts you and says "oh you shouldn't be offended by that." The way they make you feel is not up for debate.

 

I had a friend once who mocked me for being really uncomfortable at a funeral, not knowing that the last funeral I attended was my dad's and I had some bad memories surfacing that day. I told him later why I was uncomfortable and that what he said hurt. His response: "oh you know I was just joking!" as if that justifies his ignorance of my situation. I lost a lot of respect for him because he didn't know how to take responsibility for the way he made me feel.

 

People may not know any better, but that doesn't mean they're off the hook for their effect on others. As a human, you will always be ignorant, but that doesn't mean you can't also be accountable. There's a Confucius quote along the lines of "true knowledge is knowing the extent of ones ignorance."

[todreaminblue]

i agree joking or not if you offend someone you need to apologize for that offense not fob it off but be truly sorry so to be taken seriously in the future...if you knwo you hurt someone you apologize and not make light of it.....you can say it was meant as a joke but then you need to say hey i didnt know that was offensive i am sorry obviously it wasnt funny to you and state you ddint mean to cause offense.....bu t you knwo that you did and that is what you are sorry for.....when someone doesnt find a joke funny ...its because it isnt a joke to them,.,...i do think when someone apologises....and they mean it....they should honestly be given a chance and no grudges held regardless of apology or no apology....doesnt mean you have to let them do it again and not say anything.................deb

[glamtran]

Well I don't think he did this to make a joke or be funny. It's just what he's used to. He did apologize the after the first break up but like I said his patterns continued and I was still uncomfortable with what he did. I just dot want to be harsh or unrealistic.

[dyna85]

I think it does matter if it's intentional or not, because if it makes you feel bad on a repeated basis and the other person is doing nothing to assuage the pain/discomfort they're causing when you tell them it's affecting you, what good is it to continue to try? If you care enough and know enough to respect someone's feelings, you deserve someone equally as respectful and considerate towards you.

 

I think it's okay to be sympathetic to others who don't know better, either because of their background and/or due to ignorance, but it's probably not going to make for a healthy relationship, no matter how you spin it, because the hurt and disappoint will inevitably continue. That is, unless they are to change their ways and evolve into a more respectful and kind person.