somedude81 Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 This is getting tiring. 33 years old and I’ve barely changed from how I was in Jr. High. I’m still getting very strong crushes on girls who have no interest in me. I’ve only ever had one woman return my feelings for her and she became my first and only girlfriend. Sadly she suddenly dumped me after six months. Now here I am once again with a very strong crush on a girl who has no interest in me. Very soon she’s going to completely exit my life and just like almost all the others, with only one exception my ex, I never even went on a single date with her. I’m so tired of meeting amazing girls that I feel are perfect for me, and then they all disappear. Will this ever stop? I don’t know how to break out of this loop. I feel that there is something very wrong with me because the girls I like never like me back. I’m absolutely not looking forward to meeting yet another girl that I became infatuated with, and having her turn out like all the others that came before her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I feel that there is something very wrong with me because the girls I like never like me back. I’m absolutely not looking forward to meeting yet another girl that I became infatuated with, and having her turn out like all the others that came before her. It sounds like you have a predisposition to a false form of love calledLimerence. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Well, it has been said before on here: Stop over-investing in women before they even give you a reason to. Meanwhile you can take some heart--you're not hopeless with women. You got yourself a FWB right? Your dating prospects will further improve when you get your job situation in order. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 URL for my mention of Limerence. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 The trouble is you don't even know those women to know if they're worthy of your crush or not. You have to keep reminding yourself of that. You're just liking the surface things about them and you have no idea if they are "perfect for you." They just look right to you. It shouldn't be so hard to let it go since you really don't know them (except for your ex.) You're letting yourself imagine they're "perfect for you," but they aren't. If they were perfect for you, step one, you'd be able to date them and, step 2, then you'd find out if they're even close to being perfect for you or not as you continued getting to know them. My guess is 90 percent of these women you think would be perfect for you would be working your nerves after 4 months. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 It sounds like you have a predisposition to a false form of love calledLimerence. URL for my mention of Limerence. What's the difference between limerence and infatuation? The only woman that I may have been in love with was my ex. Other than that I've felt nothing but a very strong infatuation for everybody else. Whatever it is, I'm tired of going through it. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 You can stop this yourself. As soon as you feel that attraction toward someone, immediately ask her out. If she isn't interested, you can move on, instead of continuing to build her up in your mind. 16 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 Well, it has been said before on here: Stop over-investing in women before they even give you a reason to. Yeah, I've heard that over and over. But it's so much easier said than done. When I meet the rare girl who has everything I'm looking for I just go crazy for her. I can't help that I want to have her in my life. Meanwhile you can take some heart--you're not hopeless with women. You got yourself a FWB right? That was complete and utter luck how it started. Even though she is a cool person, it really is just a friend and sex thing. I'm not saying that I'm not happy to have her in my life, but I really do want a relationship with the right girl. Your dating prospects will further improve when you get your job situation in order. I'd like to believe that's true, though honestly I'm still worried. Something tells me that even if I had a nice job Busy Girl still wouldn't be interested in me. I'm still very scared of having a good job, living in a good place and still nobody wants me. I can just imagine myself being single in my 40's and getting crushes on the women I work with. That's pathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 The trouble is you don't even know those women to know if they're worthy of your crush or not. You have to keep reminding yourself of that. You're just liking the surface things about them and you have no idea if they are "perfect for you." They just look right to you. It shouldn't be so hard to let it go since you really don't know them (except for your ex.) You're letting yourself imagine they're "perfect for you," but they aren't. If they were perfect for you, step one, you'd be able to date them and, step 2, then you'd find out if they're even close to being perfect for you or not as you continued getting to know them. How do I know that they aren't perfect for me? Yes you are right that I don't really know these girls that well. But from what I do know about them, their look, their personality, sense of humor, interests, how they respond to me; I interpret all of that as being perfect for me. My guess is 90 percent of these women you think would be perfect for you would be working your nerves after 4 months. You're making guesses just like I am. I can't imagine any of these girls having serious flaws that would cause me to lose patience with them. Even if they did, I would still like to experience dating them so I can learn more about how some women are deep inside. All I really have is the surface exposure. Aside from how it ended with my ex, I had a great experience with her. Once I got past the surface layer she turned out to be far more amazing than I had ever imagined. On the surface my current obsession is very similar to my ex, and I'm guessing that if I ever managed to get to know her better, she would turn out to be even better than I guessed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 You can stop this yourself. As soon as you feel that attraction toward someone, immediately ask her out. If she isn't interested, you can move on, instead of continuing to build her up in your mind. Yeah, that's the most logical answer. But that just leads to another kind of disappointment. Also after the rejection I would need to stop being around her completely which isn't always possible. Being alone wishing I had a girlfriend isn't much better than being alone and wishing X girl was my girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Yeah, that's the most logical answer. But that just leads to another kind of disappointment. Right, but it is a quick cut of disappointment, rather than a long lingering aching wondering kind. At least you know, and you aren't living in a dream. Being alone wishing I had a girlfriend isn't much better than being alone and wishing X girl was my girlfriend. Yes it is. Because being alone wishing you had a girlfriend opens up all kinds of possibilities. Wishing X was your girlfriend hands her all your power. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Being alone wishing I had a girlfriend isn't much better than being alone and wishing X girl was my girlfriend. You prefer to enjoy the fantasy, rather than the cold reality of no girlfriend. Of course, living in that fantasy world can prevent you from finding a real girlfriend. It's self determination. Clear and focus your mind on your goals. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted January 26, 2015 Author Share Posted January 26, 2015 You prefer to enjoy the fantasy, rather than the cold reality of no girlfriend. You're right. The cold reality that there are no potential women who would be interested in dating me, hurts. Also it gives me a goal with a very tangible reward; the happy and fulfilling relationship with a woman of my dreams. I'm not sure why anybody would prefer harsh reality. Of course, living in that fantasy world can prevent you from finding a real girlfriend. It's self determination. Clear and focus your mind on your goals. Honestly I don't see how having a fantasy can prevent me from finding a real girlfriend. Last semester I was pursuing multiple girls. Yes there was one girl I liked much more than the others, but I really did pursue them all. Once I actually start going on dates I wouldn't keep chasing a ghost. That is of course assuming I actually start going on dates with a girl. Though there may be one thing that having a crush could do to me, I could end up comparing all other women to her and they would come up short. My current obsession is my dream girl and so I can't imagine other women matching as well to the criteria that are important to me. In other words, her presence makes it harder for me to settle. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 What's the difference between limerence and infatuation? The only woman that I may have been in love with was my ex. Other than that I've felt nothing but a very strong infatuation for everybody else. Whatever it is, I'm tired of going through it. There are more similarities than differences. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 I'm not sure why anybody would prefer harsh reality. Everyone enjoys a nice fantasy. The problem is when it becomes escape and prevents us from putting in the effort to create the reality. Honestly I don't see how having a fantasy can prevent me from finding a real girlfriend. Last semester I was pursuing multiple girls. Yes there was one girl I liked much more than the others, but I really did pursue them all. Once I actually start going on dates I wouldn't keep chasing a ghost. That is of course assuming I actually start going on dates with a girl. Though there may be one thing that having a crush could do to me, I could end up comparing all other women to her and they would come up short. My current obsession is my dream girl and so I can't imagine other women matching as well to the criteria that are important to me. In other words, her presence makes it harder for me to settle. Exactly, but remember that you are comparing them to a fantasy. You have her on a pedestal, and all those same "infatuation" hormones flowing toward her making her seem far more perfect than she is. Who can compete with that? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 Somedude, if you're not dating them, how could you even know what their personality is? Now, if you're around them as friends or something, that's different. But in that case, ask them out and follow the directions above about moving on if they're not interested back. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 When the fantasy becomes senior to reality, it is suggestive of Dissociation. Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted January 26, 2015 Share Posted January 26, 2015 OP, I thought you were smacking her a$$ the other night during sex. What happened? Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 OP, I thought you were smacking her a$$ the other night during sex. What happened? Not the same woman SC... SD has a FWB whose ass he smacks, and BG who he hardly knows who is his "perfect woman". Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 are you dating within your league? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 You need to focus on things other than women. I've got so many interesting and rewarding things going on in my life that the rejection of a woman would not trouble me in the least. A big part of your problem is that getting a woman is your life. When that fails, you're left with nothing. That's why you care so much. I don't think I would ever care about anything more than getting a woman. Yes when there are major things happening like when I had that issue with graduating, that took precedence over trying to get a GF. But now that matter is taken care of, my focus has shifted back to women and I remembered how much I hate being single. Like someone else pointed out, these women are not perfect for you. You have absolutely no way to know they are until you've dated them, and even then it takes forever to know for sure. My ex wife seemed just about perfect for me until we were together for about 3 years. From what I know of them, at the time each current obsession does seem perfect for me. The fact that it may take me 3 years of dating them to find out that they are not perfect for me is irrelevant. I would love to date them for 3 years and actually get the chance to find out for myself. Remember my longest relationship is only 6 month. There is so much that I'm missing out on learning because I wasn't able to have a long term thing. I feel like I'm being cheated out of a normal life. No one likes hearing this, but you are consistently going for women out of your league. When someone is always getting friendzoned, rejected, or ignored by the people they are going after, this is most likely the culprit. You are an older guy, with presumably average or so looks, and nothing of significance going on in your life, who is always after much younger, attractive women. Yes, I already know that cute women in their 20's are worth as much as multimillionaire men or male celebrities but I can't stop myself from being interested in a woman when I get to know her. I am trying to raise my value so I can be equal to an unemployed 24 year old woman but I'm not sure how work I have to put in. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I'm not following your last comment. Don't you want to raise your value to that of an employed, 33 year old male? Who would therefore have more value in general? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I am trying to raise my value so I can be equal to an unemployed 24 year old woman but I'm not sure how work I have to put in. What does this even mean?!? How narrow are you trying to make your options? Link to post Share on other sites
Author somedude81 Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 Everyone enjoys a nice fantasy. The problem is when it becomes escape and prevents us from putting in the effort to create the reality. I am putting in the effort to make my reality something I enjoy living in. My crush on BG has no bearing on that. Exactly, but remember that you are comparing them to a fantasy. You have her on a pedestal, and all those same "infatuation" hormones flowing toward her making her seem far more perfect than she is. Who can compete with that? To me, the fantasy of BG is pretty much grounded in reality. While I do think she's attractive, many women are more attractive than she is. What makes things more difficult is when I start adding in her characteristics. She's intelligent, sweet, plays along with me/teases me and yet takes the time to help me learn when dancing, she loves to dance, she's nerdy and likes fantasy stuff, she's driven, enjoys travel and loves cats. Then I look at the lack of negatives, she doesn't do drugs, doesn't party, doesn't seem to be crazy. On paper she's perfect for me, and I don't meet many women that I feel that way about. Of course the answer is that I need to meet more women. But now that I'm out of college it's going to be much harder to meet somebody who was what I'm looking for. The only real negative about her, is that she doesn't like me. And that's not exactly a fault. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I feel like I'm being cheated out of a normal life. If you escape into fantasy instead of forcing yourself to shake it off and focus on reality, you are the one cheating yourself out of a normal life. Yes, I already know that cute women in their 20's are worth as much as multimillionaire men or male celebrities but I can't stop myself from being interested in a woman when I get to know her. Get to know a wider range of women. If your statement holds true, you should be able to become interested in women of different ages and physical attractiveness. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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