I hate getting a crush on women and becoming infatuated.

[organizedchaos]

I know it was a lost cause. I just had blind hope. I wanted to believe that there was a chance. I can't really express how much I like her, so to me it was worth trying everything.

 

 

 

No, I think she is blowing me off now. We used to be communicating with at least twice a day through Facebook. Then we met up (with other people). I sent her a message later that night after I got home and she didn't reply. I sent her a text about a book we had talked about around noon the next day, and she didn't reply.

 

I sent my most recent message three days later (today around 1 pm) asking when she's out of class on Monday, and again no reply.

 

I don't know why, but she is ignoring me on text and Facebook. I felt that things were great when I saw her last, but my guess is that she realized how much I like her, and this is her way of dealing with me. It's the cowards way, but that's just how it is. There is nothing I can do from now on.

 

 

 

 

I'm a victim when no matter what I try on who, I just don't succeed. I've always felt that life is trying to screw me over. Yes it's my fault for continuing to pursue BG. But it's not my fault that the other 10 women I went after last year were not into me.

 

It was absolutely not my fault that Sophia dumped me in 2013.

 

I hurts so much that I keep meeting girls that I really like, who feel like they would be great girlfriends, who consistently just don't want to date me. No matter what I do, or how friendly I am, or when I try to improve myself, it's just not enough.

 

The absolute point of this thread is that I'm completely terrified that I will never be able to be in a relationship with a girl I like. They will all turn me down.

 

Because, as I and others have said, you go after the wrong type of girls. I don't chase supermodels. Hey, they'd be great gf's, right? Because I'd have no shot.

 

You need to learn to think that way too and take a long hard look at what you have to offer and who would be attracted to you.

[somedude81]

I don't see how it's cowardly. She tried her darndest to be just friends with you, and she was up front that she isn't interested in more. I suppose she could just cut you off altogether, as a last resort. But you're kind of boxing her into a corner.

 

My guess is that she's pointedly creating distance. Friends don't need to text each other multiple times a day. She may or may not get back in touch, but when she does, it'll be when she's decided that enough time has passed that you've received the message that this still is a friends-only deal.

 

Not responding to me at all is cowardly. She has ignored the last three messages I sent and it's been almost a week since we last communicated. It's rude that she hasn't responded to me at all. Her behavior this week is not normal for her.

 

It's now looking like the most recent time I saw her would be the last time I ever see her. I would have at least liked to say good bye.

 

 

 

SD, I am curious about how your therapy is going. I saw that upthread someone recommended cognitive-behavioral therapy, which is indeed helpful for people with anxiety, but it requires you to be an active participant in changing your self-defeating habits of mind. If you want to do that, it would directly address the statement you made above, about your fears. It could help. But maybe the therapy you're already doing is helping? This must be something you've raised with your therapist, right?

 

Am I in therapy and it's working somewhat. She keeps talking about happiness and asking me about times where in my life I was happy and not in a relationship.

 

I feel better than when I started, but I'm nowhere near where I want to be.

 

Honestly I still feel like it's a lost cause trying to find happiness in my life when I'm single.

 

She knows my fears and she acknowledges that they make sense, but she tries to ask what if I never get another girlfriend. I tell her that it's something I would never accept and that it would be a nightmare for me if I was in my 40's and still single.

[Million.to.1]

Not responding to me at all is cowardly. She has ignored the last three messages I sent and it's been almost a week since we last communicated. It's rude that she hasn't responded to me at all. Her behavior this week is not normal for her.

 

It's now looking like the most recent time I saw her would be the last time I ever see her. I would have at least liked to say good bye.

 

You have boxed the poor girl into a corner! Don't you see? If she is friendly to you, you CONTINUE to pursue. Her ONLY option, is to ignore you as YOU DON'T GET THE MESSAGE. She is not interested. Get over it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Am I in therapy and it's working somewhat. She keeps talking about happiness and asking me about times where in my life I was happy and not in a relationship.

 

I feel better than when I started, but I'm nowhere near where I want to be.

 

Honestly I still feel like it's a lost cause trying to find happiness in my life when I'm single.

 

She knows my fears and she acknowledges that they make sense, but she tries to ask what if I never get another girlfriend. I tell her that it's something I would never accept and that it would be a nightmare for me if I was in my 40's and still single.

 

Your therapist is right. She's asking the right questions and you should think about why she is asking you those things. You do need to find happiness without a GF. I think there is a very high chance that you will end up 40 and single. I be pretty surprised if you managed to pull off what it is that you think you deserve. You have done the same thing for 10 years and it's gotten you nowhere. You don't want to change anything about yourself, your attitude, your approach to life and woman, or your expectations. So what makes you think the next ten years will be any different for you?

[ascendotum]

Because, as I and others have said, you go after the wrong type of girls. I don't chase supermodels. Hey, they'd be great gf's, right? Because I'd have no shot.

 

You need to learn to think that way too and take a long hard look at what you have to offer and who would be attracted to you.

 

I suspect so to. Unfortunately its hard not to like what you like, and we can only second guess that these girls really are above his league so to speak. I've been told that a couple of times, and then when I have pointed out a particular woman I am attracted to or an example of someone they know I would date, the conversation sputters to a close, because they were picturing someone hotter. With SD maybe the girls he has liked in the past are not objectively a lot better looking nor have fabulous exciting ambitious lives, but if his personality just does not inspire them in the face of other competition, then they ain't the right girls for him alas.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with becoming really excited with some of the girls. I have before and I'm sure some women here have been gaga over guys they only been on one date with or have jumped into bed with guys they met just a few hrs before. As long as he doesn't get oneitis and orbit her for many months. He may have in the past, but at least last year he has been on line looking and has himself a fwb. He has been studying, going surfing, going salsa dancing, going to the gym, flirting with more girls than ever this year, so I think people are being a little hard on him. (his threads seem to attract it a bit tho) Getting wound up over this GB girl or raising the bar for all other girls to meet is wrong. Two unanswered msgs is all a guy should send a prospect. He's hit 3 with her, so he has to read between the lines and forget her.

 

He has to be realistic as to the sorts of girls he can get, but at the same time go for the ones he really likes, but don't wait in limbo too long. I really don't think the 30 yr old version of the women he likes are going to be any easier just because he has a job though (there is going to be less of them single sans kids). Its a big deal for a relationship but in terms of creating attraction, nuh.

[Haydn]

Another thread packed with good advice, encouragement and support. You have to take some of it?

 

If someone does not reply to your message and is ignoring you, it`s a very clear sign they are really not interested. Leave it be. They are not cowardly, they are fed up and bored of you.

 

Move on.

 

Get a job, save some cash and then you will be more confident when you see someone you like and it won`t just be a crush.

 

Keep moving.

[serial muse]

I tend to feel like it's OK for him to like what he likes in a general sense, and pursue whom he wants to pursue -- but with two addenda.

 

One: Ask out quickly, and then let it go completely if she's not interested. Full stop, no contact, she's off the radar, done.

 

It's the letting it go part that is the problem here, not the initial asking. I do think, SD, that it's absolutely absurd to blame her for not returning your calls or to call it cowardly at this stage! Absurd absurd absurd. She doesn't have any good options here, and you should be aware of that. You know that the only answer you'll accept is for her to date you, and you'll blame her for any other choice. Well, she doesn't want that. So what are her options?

a) tell you straight-out to never contact her again (yeah, that won't go well; I suspect you'd argue with her and demand answers and endless whyyyys and so forth - and that is entirely based on how you've presented yourself here. Plus you'd likely say something mean that you'd later regret.)

b) continue to hang out with you and feel uncomfortable because she can tell you're still into her and you're not giving up so that you can move into a less-stressful friendship. Well, that sucks and is not palatable long-term, and she might feel like she's leading you on by not cutting you off at this point. Even though she also told you it's not happening. But.

c) stop calling because it's the only way you're going to accept the facts.

 

I say c) is the pragmatic choice in your case. Sorry, but that's the truth.

 

As I say, I don't think it's a problem to pursue someone who might be out of your league, but for God's sake figure out how to take no for an answer, and do so without rancor.

 

Two: Think harder about who you want to pursue and cast a wider net. Doesn't mean don't ask out the pinnacle, but chances are, since you barely know these girls, the one you'll fall in love with won't be the one you expect. Almost never is. And if you stick to fantasy you'll never get the reality. Period.

Edited January 29, 2015 by serial muse

[elaine567]

SD has spent months obsessing over a girl who told him she didn't want a relationship with him early doors.

I know we are all brought up on romatic fiction and that the guy gets the girl in the end, but the operative word there is fiction.

In real life, no-one gets rid of or friend zones a potential suitor, unless they really sure that they DO NOT want a relationship with them.

 

I have been pursued beyond the pale by a man who didn't take no for an answer. It is an uncomfortable experience, I thought he was a great guy and good company, we had a lot in common but just not dating/bf material for me. Eventually I had to go NC as every friendly little chat or gesture on my part was somehow construed as hope.

I got bored fending him off, I do not mean llterally though...there was no physical contact. We worked in the same place, but not together most of the time.

It was a case of him just showing up when I was going for coffee, waiting for me in corridors, turning up for lunch, continually watching me, complimenting me, so much so that other staff used to say to me "here is your bf again...".

It all got very embarrassing and a bit unsettling really, so I had to just cut him off completely and avoid him. He came in one door, so I went out the other, I became incredibly busy, I had no time to chat. I had to do it, because "no", obviously was just not enough.

It had got to the stage where we couldn't even BE "friends" any more. as he persistently wanted more.

I am sure BG is in a similar place.

[xxoo]

Think less, do more. Idle hands and minds find unhealthy focus. Reality is backing thought, ambition, desire and dreams with action and achievement.

 

This is the best advice in a nutshell.

 

How do you envision your life at 40? Will you have the successful career and social connections that would make you more attractive to women?

 

It does take time to develop social connections, but you've had 15 years of adult life so far and have made little progress in this area. If you continue to do exactly as you've done in the past, you will be in the same place (hopefully with a job) when you are 40. You have to do something different, and keep at it. Successes build upon themselves. Getting started is often the hardest part.

[stillmind]

In college I was friends with a tall, handsome, muscular blond guy with an exciting life who now has a starring role on a somewhat popular TV show. I have never ever, then or now, been even the slightest bit interested in him romantically because he has the personality of a stump and is a humorless bore. It's not all about looks. Women want men who they find attractive in looks, personality and character. If she's not interested in you, then there's some aspect of your looks, personality or character that she is not interested in. I think any woman interested in a man would be willing to flexible with her expectations over something minor (a guy being slightly out of shape or having different hobbies or politics, etc) but if you're not doing it for BG you're just not doing it and you never will even if you somehow change your life around to better tick her boxes. Even if you consider yourself a catch, for some reason, you aren't to this particular girl. Let it go.

[Maleficent]

Not responding to me at all is cowardly. She has ignored the last three messages I sent and it's been almost a week since we last communicated. It's rude that she hasn't responded to me at all. Her behavior this week is not normal for her.

 

Not responding to one message is rude.

But when you start sending more and more message it's borderline harassment. Don't be surprised she still ignores you even if you keep messaging her.

 

She wants you to leave her alone and probably doesn't even want to be your friend at this point.

[somedude81]

Because, as I and others have said, you go after the wrong type of girls. I don't chase supermodels. Hey, they'd be great gf's, right? Because I'd have no shot.

 

You need to learn to think that way too and take a long hard look at what you have to offer and who would be attracted to you.

 

As I've said many times, I don't go after the really hot girls. I have shown a few people her picture and they've said that she was not what they expected and that she is definitely in my league.

 

She is not too good for me.

 

Based on her personality, interests, economic status etc. I can't think of any reasons why she wouldn't be interested in me.

[somedude81]

Think less, do more. Idle hands and minds find unhealthy focus. Reality is backing thought, ambition, desire and dreams with action and achievement.

 

What have your actions and achievements been since crushing on this woman? Have you been motivated to be off arse and busy? Have you been inspired to be away from LS and pounding the streets looking for work? Have you been driven to be all you can be for her? Have you been moving mountians? Have you been shaking the world? If not, why not? If not, why should she like you back? If not, how can any dream come true?

 

Where are you going to be the next time you crush on a lass? Same place? Paralysed force? Gesture without motion? Hands idle enough for the mind to lock on, linger and run wild?

 

Why do I have to be moving mountains to get a girl? Doesn't that seem ridiculous to you? Never mind the fact getting a job isn't going to suddenly make her interested in me. While I have no idea at all what she's looking for, I know what things have very little impact on her desire.

 

The next time I crush on a girl I'll have been working at least for a few months, possibly living in a better apartment. And I don't really see me being more attractive to women.

[BlueIris]

As I've said many times, I don't go after the really hot girls. I have shown a few people her picture and they've said that she was not what they expected and that she is definitely in my league.

 

She is not too good for me.

 

Based on her personality, interests, economic status etc. I can't think of any reasons why she wouldn't be interested in me.

 

But this is opinion and 20 years of experience (since junior high, 33-13= 20) indicates that your criteria are narrow, maybe by personality, social status, accomplishments. Looks aren't the only bases for choice.

 

Realize that you’re not a victim.

 

You reject women who show interest in you, explaining here before, for instance, that the woman you have sex with isn’t your type and that the women who have liked you aren’t your type, and that you’re attracted only to women of a certain age, look, and body features.

 

So it’s isn’t as though absolutely no one will date you and you have no choice but to be alone. You have choice.

 

You won’t “settle” for the women who think you’re attractive, so maybe you’d be less depressed and feel like less of a victim if you kept reminding yourself that you've been choosing all along.

 

Remember your thread about women choosing only to date tall men? It’s the same thing- having certain requirements and refusing to consider people outside your requirements, no matter what they are.

 

When you embrace that you’ve been asserting your power and choice to stay single until the type of woman you want reciprocates your affection, you might feel better about being single and be happier.

[organizedchaos]

As I've said many times, I don't go after the really hot girls. I have shown a few people her picture and they've said that she was not what they expected and that she is definitely in my league.

 

She is not too good for me.

 

Based on her personality, interests, economic status etc. I can't think of any reasons why she wouldn't be interested in me.

 

Ok, regarding not shooting out of your league with her.

 

attraction does not work like a math problem. 1+1 does not equal 2 with attraction. You are not entitled to have a girl like you just because a few of her traits line up to yours. She obviously doesn't see it that way and that's her prerogative. Maybe it's shallow to expect more, but that's her right.

[somedude81]

But this is opinion and 20 years of experience (since junior high, 33-13= 20) indicates that your criteria are narrow, maybe by personality, social status, accomplishments. Looks aren't the only bases for choice.

 

Realize that you’re not a victim.

 

You reject women who show interest in you, explaining here before, for instance, that the woman you have sex with isn’t your type and that the women who have liked you aren’t your type, and that you’re attracted only to women of a certain age, look, and body features.

 

When have I written about rejecting women?

 

I have had women who were very friendly with me and I assumed that they might be interested in me, but they were just assumptions. One girl who I thought liked me, she was the girl who had a face I didn't like, actually had a boyfriend. I simply could not tell the difference from being friendly and interested.

 

I have not rejected my FWB. I know for a fact that she does not want a relationship with me. We have a purely sex and friends relationship.

 

My criteria for women I want to date is absolutely not narrow at all. I am far less picky that people seem to think I am. I am less picky than the average man.

 

So it’s isn’t as though absolutely no one will date you and you have no choice but to be alone. You have choice.

 

No, I pretty much don't any choices. If there aren't any women who meet my lowered standards, then I have no options.

 

You won’t “settle” for the women who think you’re attractive, so maybe you’d be less depressed and feel like less of a victim if you kept reminding yourself that you've been choosing all along.

 

Remember your thread about women choosing only to date tall men? It’s the same thing- having certain requirements and refusing to consider people outside your requirements, no matter what they are.

 

There is nobody to settle for.

 

And even then, when it comes to settling it usually means that I would have to settle for a woman that I have absolutely zero attraction for, or she has a personality I can't stand. Does that really sound like somebody I should be in a relationship with?

[somedude81]

Ok, regarding not shooting out of your league with her.

 

attraction does not work like a math problem. 1+1 does not equal 2 with attraction. You are not entitled to have a girl like you just because a few of her traits line up to yours. She obviously doesn't see it that way and that's her prerogative. Maybe it's shallow to expect more, but that's her right.

 

I know that attraction isn't that simple. That wasn't my point. My point was that I'm not shooting out of my league with her. I have no idea what she's looking for in a guy, but from my point of view she shouldn't think that she's too good for me.

 

In my experience women are more shallow than men are. That's just how the world works.

[BlueIris]

When have I written about rejecting women?

 

...

(My comment) Often, but again here:

 

And even then, when it comes to settling it usually means that I would have to settle for a woman that I have absolutely zero attraction for, or she has a personality I can't stand. Does that really sound like somebody I should be in a relationship with?

 

No, you do not have to be in a relationship with anyone, but it's a choice, which should make you feel less like a victim and could make you feel empowered by acknowledging that you're voluntarily making choices. You did say that the woman you have sex with isn't your type- NOT that she rejected you.

 

My post is about your being depressed or believing that you are fated to be alone, but you are making choices. Usually people who say they won't "settle" acknowledge that it is their choice and aren't depressed or feel like victims- which is good! They're happier being single as a result.

 

I know that attraction isn't that simple. That wasn't my point. My point was that I'm not shooting out of my league with her. I have no idea what she's looking for in a guy, but from my point of view she shouldn't think that she's too good for me.

 

In my experience women are more shallow than men are. That's just how the world works.

 

But you're choosing too. It isn't women's flaw or fault.

[somedude81]

My whole entire previous post was that I'm not choosing women. How did that point get lost?

[MidwestUSA]

My whole entire previous post was that I'm not choosing women. How did that point get lost?

 

 

 

But you are choosing. You've chosen to get hung up on BG when she made her status clear months ago. Those are months that could have been spent on something else.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I don't know why, but she is ignoring me on text and Facebook. I felt that things were great when I saw her last, but my guess is that she realized how much I like her, and this is her way of dealing with me. It's the cowards way, but that's just how it is. There is nothing I can do from now on.

Why are you saying it's a "coward's way"? That is totally unfair. She has been way nicer to you than I would expect, she told you a long time ago she wasn't interested in you, she was nice enough to still engage with you but you refused to respect her boundaries or to LISTEN to her, you are no friend to her, friends do listen and respect!! So anyway it's probably time for her to totally block you, sorry, it's normal though. Sorry but it makes me mad that you are putting this all on her when all she is trying to do is live her busy life and be NICE which is a lot more than a lot of girls would do in this situation.

[BlueIris]

This is getting tiring. 33 years old and I’ve barely changed from how I was in Jr. High. I’m still getting very strong crushes on girls who have no interest in me. I’ve only ever had one woman return my feelings for her and she became my first and only girlfriend. Sadly she suddenly dumped me after six months.

 

Now here I am once again with a very strong crush on a girl who has no interest in me. Very soon she’s going to completely exit my life and just like almost all the others, with only one exception my ex, I never even went on a single date with her. I’m so tired of meeting amazing girls that I feel are perfect for me, and then they all disappear.

 

Will this ever stop? I don’t know how to break out of this loop. I feel that there is something very wrong with me because the girls I like never like me back. I’m absolutely not looking forward to meeting yet another girl that I became infatuated with, and having her turn out like all the others that came before her.

 

You said you don’t know how to break the 20 year loop, and I’m showing you that the loop might be an error in your own perception and thinking- that you ARE making choices, even though you think you aren’t. See, thinking that you're not making choices and are a victim is what upsets you and is your "loop" thinking.

 

Acknowledging the women that you don't choose or get crushes on could help you to “break out of the loop” and make you feel less like a victim or depressed. Not "settling" is an act of self-assertion, power and choice- empowering.

Edited January 29, 2015 by BlueIris

[somedude81]

But you are choosing. You've chosen to get hung up on BG when she made her status clear months ago. Those are months that could have been spent on something else.

 

Falling for her wasn't a choice.

 

I met her when I was extremely desperate for a girlfriend. She had absolutely everything I was looking for.

 

When she told me at the end of October that she only saw me as a friend, I was already obsessed with her. Choosing to walk away from her then was as simple as people choosing to stop drinking or smoking.

 

The only choice I did make with her is not immediately walking away and dropping the dance class after she told me that she didn't have time to date.

 

Even then, it's not always possible to immediately cut all contact with a woman and remove her from my sight after I get a rejection.

[elaine567]

My whole entire previous post was that I'm not choosing women. How did that point get lost?

 

You chose to get hung up on BG even when she told you straight out she wasn't interested. YOU chose to develop a fantasy over this unobtainable woman.

YOU chose to have FWB to cater for your sexual needs, you chose to disregard those you saw as not good enough for you.

 

You have the means to change things here by making different choices but you now choose to be the victim of all terrible nasty women who SHOULD be into you.

Why SHOULD they? What do YOU actually bring to their party?

 

YOU could make the choice here to date all sorts of nice women, women who would love, respect and adore you, but you hanker after college educated 20 somethings, who do not hanker after you.

It is an impasse, unless you choose to change, we will all still be having the same conversation with you in 10 years time.

[somedude81]

You said you don’t know how to break the 20 year loop, and I’m showing you that the loop might be an error in your own perception and thinking- that you ARE making choices, even though you think you aren’t. See, thinking that you're not making choices and are a victim is what upsets you and is your "loop" thinking.

 

Acknowledging the women that you don't choose or get crushes on could help you to “break out of the loop” and make you feel less like a victim or depressed. Not "settling" is an act of self-assertion, power and choice- empowering.

 

OK, I see what you are trying to say now.

 

I have a very strong external locus of control. I feel that I have very little power over what happens in my life. That's with school, work, friendships and of course women. Life is something that is done to me. Yes my victim mentality is very strong.

 

To me, it seems that the world doesn't want me to be happy and I need to fight for every ounce of happiness. Thankfully every now and then life lets something nice happen to me and I can choose to accept the kindness or not.

 

I did not choose my FWB. Instead I got very lucky that she wanted to meet me and then sleep with me. All I can do is try my hardest to make sure she has a good time.

[BlueIris]

Another thing you might want to look into and talk to your therapist about is masturbation and internet porn. Maybe it’s a factor in your developing feelings without actual connection or reciprocation? You described you use here:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/488537-how-do-i-find-woman-really-high-sex-drive

 

There have been studies indicating that masturbation to internet porn, especially from a young age and as the primary source of sexual satisfaction, can lead to depression, anxiety and interpersonal challenges. Apparently there are men who are quitting as a result and report change in mood and other benefits. I saw a TEDtalk about it (below), but I’m sure there’s a ton of information on the internet about it. It's worth considering as you explore ways to break the loop.