I hate getting a crush on women and becoming infatuated.

[Diezel]

This is getting tiring. 33 years old and I’ve barely changed from how I was in Jr. High.

 

Could it be this?

[Imajerk17]

OK, I see what you are trying to say now.

 

I have a very strong external locus of control. I feel that I have very little power over what happens in my life. That's with school, work, friendships and of course women. Life is something that is done to me. Yes my victim mentality is very strong.

 

To me, it seems that the world doesn't want me to be happy and I need to fight for every ounce of happiness. Thankfully every now and then life lets something nice happen to me and I can choose to accept the kindness or not.

 

I did not choose my FWB. Instead I got very lucky that she wanted to meet me and then sleep with me. All I can do is try my hardest to make sure she has a good time.

 

I actually think this is your best post yet as in it looks like you are at least acknowledging your mindset.

 

Thing is though, do you really feel that "life is something that is just done" to you? What about the decisions you have been making, at every turn. Everything from going on vacation with your family last summer instead of getting a job to earn money, to spending a lot more time in salsa instead of on your job search last semester, ect. (Yes I get that you were spending 30 hours/week on your class. Thing is though, adults are working 40+ hours/week.) And yes, pursuing much younger women and getting upset that most of them reject you, if only because most of them just aren't interested in a guy in your demographic.

 

And do you really feel that you have it that tough? Most people go through more than one breakup somedude81. What about the people here whose spouse suddenly left them for someone else, AND left them with kids to raise. Or people who have a sick kid and huge medical bills.

 

I think the next step for you is taking responsibility for the choices you made. And to get some perspective on how tough life really can be. Have you shown your threads on LS and the advice you have gotten on here to your therapist? I think it would do good...

Edited January 29, 2015 by Imajerk17

[somedude81]

Another thing you might want to look into and talk to your therapist about is masturbation and internet porn. Maybe it’s a factor in your developing feelings without actual connection or reciprocation? You described you use here:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/488537-how-do-i-find-woman-really-high-sex-drive

 

There have been studies indicating that masturbation to internet porn, especially from a young age and as the primary source of sexual satisfaction, can lead to depression, anxiety and interpersonal challenges. Apparently there are men who are quitting as a result and report change in mood and other benefits. I saw a TEDtalk about it (below), but I’m sure there’s a ton of information on the internet about it. It's worth considering as you explore ways to break the loop.

 

 

I have a very high sex drive. Porn is an outlet for that because I don't have as much sex as I need. Ideally I'd like to have sex on a daily basis and right now I'm only having it one day a week when my FWB comes over.

 

For the longest time I couldn't masturbate without porn because I would think of my ex. I've finally gotten past that point. Still porn is good for a quick session of relief.

 

If I was able to have as much sex as I liked, I would completely give up porn.

Edited January 29, 2015 by somedude81

[xxoo]

Why do I have to be moving mountains to get a girl? Doesn't that seem ridiculous to you? .

 

Move mountains is an idiom, and it just means to work hard and make things happen. And no, it doesn't sound ridiculous to me. That's what ambitious people (with an internal locus of control) DO, whether their goal is career, adventure, or romance.

 

Instead of always asking "why" you should have to do x, y, and z, why not accept that this is what you need to do if you want to be women's type and DO them? Women like men who "move mountains" when necessary. Women pass on men who seem to struggle with just getting by in life.

[elaine567]

Move mountains is an idiom, and it just means to work hard and make things happen. And no, it doesn't sound ridiculous to me. That's what ambitious people (with an internal locus of control) DO, whether their goal is career, adventure, or romance.

 

Instead of always asking "why" you should have to do x, y, and z, why not accept that this is what you need to do if you want to be women's type and DO them? Women like men who "move mountains" when necessary. Women pass on men who seem to struggle with just getting by in life.

 

Exactly, life is hard enough without having to carry some man through his life as well.

[contact1]

I'm having a bit of hard time following this thread (with all the pages ), could someone tell me who BG is to get up to speed, thanks XD

[elaine567]

I'm having a bit of hard time following this thread (with all the pages ), could someone tell me who BG is to get up to speed, thanks XD

 

Busy Girl, subject of the OP's fantasy/infatuation for months now.

[BlueIris]

If I was able to have as much sex as I liked, I would completely give up porn.

 

Would you give it up if it could change your 20-year pattern, change your depression, make you more engaged and self-motivated in life, and open you to emotional connections to women- if it could stop the looping? Would you try?

 

See, it sounds like an addiction if you absolutely can’t give it up. Weigh your priorities.

 

Watch the video and see how the brain changes, or gets wired from a young age. Some of the people discussed in it have, like you, had a difficulty developing passion for other things, delayed college completion, depression, and so on.

 

It also discusses the differences between internet porn and real relationships and how real relationships involve emotional connection, which it seems you don’t understand. It’s possible that you don’t even perceive and understand the emotional and interpersonal core of real relationship.

 

I know that my bringing up internet porn on the internet itself might be somewhat like walking into a bar on Superbowl Sunday and saying alcohol or football might be a problem- kind of blasphemous, and most everyone would grab their beers and hold ‘em tight. We all obviously love the internet. But if you’re really serious about changing and are suffering mental health problems, seriously, look into this. I mean, SD, it’s been 20 years and you’ve posted thousands of posts expressing your sadness and depression.

 

At least watch the video to learn that there are actual brain changes and what has been discovered. And bring it up with your therapist, maybe show him or her the video, since it also discusses how many therapists misdiagnose internet or porn addiction.

Edited January 29, 2015 by BlueIris

[MidwestUSA]

Somedude, I'm going to throw out a suggestion.

 

Next time you're all dolled up for an interview, find someone to take your picture. Outside, in good lighting. Give yourself extra time so you're not rushed. Strangers have walked up to me in public and asked me to shoot a pic, and I've done the same. It's NBD. Or maybe your FWB would do it for you!

 

Update your profile with it, and emphasize your IT skills along with your gaming. Go for that nerdy girl, just one a bit older. She's out there.

[GemmaUK]

Somedude..

 

 

 

 

You need to realise the priorities in your life.

 

 

1. Being happy

2. Finding work

3. Affording your apartment and car

 

 

Right now finding work in order to fulfil the other two is paramount.

 

 

Busy girl has already told you she does not like you in that way.

You find her cute and you get along with her.

You have ...HAVE to realise that women and men can be just friends/acqaintances too and that is how she has been with you.

 

 

She has been fair, straight up, very clear that she is not interested in that way.

 

 

If she is ignoring you right now it's because she doesn't want to encourage you.

 

 

In a few days she may reply to all your texts....but only because she feels bad and is aware you may guilt trip her like you have done before.

('the you ignored me' set of texts months ago).

 

 

BG is 24, is at optimal time for her education and her life.

 

 

You are 33. She knows you are older and you know she does as she made a comment alluding to age..

 

 

To have BG interested you need to be 24/6 (probably), working or in college same as her, looking to get his own place and be independent

And..she has to be attracted.

She is looking for an equal.

 

 

You two are not equal.

Find a woman your age who has just graduated and is job searching but has her own place and car.

 

 

As well as that..

This thing where you talk about getting on with someone and not understanding why they don't want to date you.

 

 

I get on with loads of the guys at work and in my life...it doesn't mean we want to date each other.

 

 

I wonder if being in college so long makes you see a women talking to you as 'romantic interest'?

 

 

Life is full of banter and people talking..all the time.

It doesn't mean we want a relationship with those we chat with.

[MissBee]

Based on her personality, interests, economic status etc. I can't think of any reasons why she wouldn't be interested in me.

 

Biting the bait here....

 

Somedude....do you truly NOT understand how dense and self-absorbed this sounds???? I know you don't because you've said it about 50 times in this thread and seem bemused each time, as though how can someone not like you...this is what I mean by stalker mentality, where stalkers are truly delusional people who cannot understand normal logic, where they think just because they like the person and have deemed them a good match they cannot see why they wouldn't like them back and then insist it can't be so so obsess and pursue the disinterested target of their projections...that is what it is PROJECTIONS...you projecting your like for her and thinking that because you have similarities you get to be the Lord of her Desires and it's up to you to determine she should like you. IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!

 

Even though I and several others have consistently pointed out the REALITY which is that you are NOT HER... YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKS FOR IN A BOYFRIEND!, yet you still keep singing the same refrain about you can't see why she wouldn't be interested. It's not about YOU! We know you like and want her and think she is perfect and all the rest...but that says ZERO about what she wants in a man and looks for.

 

I am really amazed at why this is so difficult to understand for you. Just because someone is similar to you or has similar tastes or interests doesn't mean that they automatically want to date you. How is this a hard concept??? I could perhaps understand if you guys had discussed what you look for in a partner and she listed many things which you fit, but from what I gather, you have NEVER had this conversation with her...so how can you really sit there acting indignant at the fact that she doesn't like you simply because you think she should. She has her own mental list of what makes her tick and what she wants. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. IT MAY BE NOTHING LIKE YOU. So how can you act like you know what she wants in a man when you don't? This is a very entitled, arrogant and pushy attitude that I'm sure shines through in your interactions. But of course, you'll insist that it's not so and I and others are only saying this because we see you post here, but newsflash: we pick up on A LOT about people without them uttering a word and even when they try to hide it. So I guarantee in your real life this vibe is coming across loud and clear because it's so intense here that I can't imagine it being that much more subtle in real life. That's also probably why she is fading away because it's too much! I don't blame her.

 

You don't know what she looks for in a man. You have a one way fantasy based SOLELY ON YOUR IDEAS! ALL OF IT! You observe her personality, interests etc and then without consulting her and asking her preferences have decided you are a good match and she should like you and then when she doesn't you can't understand it. This isn't how it works. Further, we don't always choose to be in relationships with people who like the same stuff as we do, friends sure, but many times our relationships are with our complement and many of us are drawn to all kinds of aspects of people based many a times on the primary relationship we observed: our parents. Like I said: there are books upon books on this stuff. If you choose to continue being ignorant and shaking your head saying "I don't know why she doesn't like me even though we like the same stuff..." have at it, OR educate yourself, READ, LEARN, grab a book, Google some articles and learn more about the complexity and psychology of romance and how and why we like who we do.

 

You're like a 5 year old throwing a tantrum about why she doesn't like you because you like her and think she should because you both like the color blue, like chinese food and laugh at the same stuff. Grow up SD...really. I don't mean to be rude or mean, but you really sound like a child and not a grown man who'll be 40 in a few years. Babies and children are self-centered, believe everything is about them, and have a very narrow view of how things should work based solely on themselves....adults shouldn't be like that. As an adult you understand that the people you meet are their own person, even when similar to you they are NOT the same as you, therefore adults don't confuse similarity with sameness and don't assume because it works in a particular way for us it automatically does for other people. Adults realize that liking someone is a mixture of ALL KINDS of factors and not just looks or liking the same things. Adults realize you can like the same things and share a lot and be friends with someone and not a romantic partner. Adults can take no for an answer and respect someone's right not to choose them as perfectly reasonable.

 

From this and all your threads, the truth is you seem to suffer from a fundamental disconnect with certain understandings of common things and a level of emotional immaturity that reflects in all areas of your life from your schooling to dating. That said, that is probably the source of all your dating woes and every other woe, where in school and elsewhere you are always the victim, your teacher is mean, girls are mean, everyone is mean and won't give you a chance and do things you want them to. This is a 5 year old's mentality and one that hasn't helped you and will continue to be the root of all your problems. Work with your therapist on how you can heal your inner child and grow up rapidly and age yourself to 33 because right now you seem permanently stuck as a 13 year old kid. This can happen to people esp if you've had a traumatic childhood. I might sound harsh but I seriously do mean well and really believe your problems are not superficial. It's not just about dressing better or learning tips on dating, they run much deeper and there is a theme here and until you fix those underlying issues, you'll never get what you want or be able to keep it even if you somehow manage. Because this stunted growth and immaturity will affect your job when you get one too, any relationship when you get one, everything. You think getting a job or gf is the solution, it's not, the problem is deeper and fixing that you'll be able to get all those other things and keep them.

Edited January 29, 2015 by MissBee

[somedude81]

Move mountains is an idiom, and it just means to work hard and make things happen. And no, it doesn't sound ridiculous to me. That's what ambitious people (with an internal locus of control) DO, whether their goal is career, adventure, or romance.

 

Instead of always asking "why" you should have to do x, y, and z, why not accept that this is what you need to do if you want to be women's type and DO them? Women like men who "move mountains" when necessary. Women pass on men who seem to struggle with just getting by in life.

 

I'm asking why do I have to work hard and make things happen to get a girl?

 

Women don't have to do anything other than exist. Yes I'm in that bitter phase right now.

 

Also as I said earlier, I strongly feel that even when I get a job and settled, dating will still be very hard for me. Then what are people going to suggest I do?

[somedude81]

I actually think this is your best post yet as in it looks like you are at least acknowledging your mindset.

 

Thing is though, do you really feel that "life is something that is just done" to you? What about the decisions you have been making, at every turn. Everything from going on vacation with your family last summer instead of getting a job to earn money, to spending a lot more time in salsa instead of on your job search last semester, ect. (Yes I get that you were spending 30 hours/week on your class.

 

I had no idea that I was going to graduate or not. I've already mentioned this in my other thread. Hell, I didn't even know I was graduating college till two weeks ago. Job searching back then for an IT job was pointless.

 

So no, those weren't decisions that I was making.

 

 

Thing is though, adults are working 40+ hours/week.) And yes, pursuing much younger women and getting upset that most of them reject you, if only because most of them just aren't interested in a guy in your demographic.

 

And how about when I was 20 something years old getting rejected by 20 something year old women? What then?

 

What will you tell me when I'm going after women my own age and still getting rejected?

 

And do you really feel that you have it that tough? Most people go through more than one breakup somedude81. What about the people here whose spouse suddenly left them for someone else, AND left them with kids to raise. Or people who have a sick kid and huge medical bills.

 

"There are people starving in Africa, so you have no right to be unhappy about anything that ever happens in your life."

[MidwestUSA]

Women don't have to do anything other than exist. Yes I'm in that bitter phase right now.

 

 

Seriously, stop this. Why did you dub BG 'busy'? What exactly is she doing with her time? Maybe she doesn't have time to return your every text.

 

What kind of course load/job hours was your ex keeping as compared to yours? Who did the driving most of the time?

 

You were on target a few posts ago with some introspection. Get back to that.

[somedude81]

I'm having a bit of hard time following this thread (with all the pages ), could someone tell me who BG is to get up to speed, thanks XD

 

She's the latest in a long line of women that I have had very strong feelings for but never even gave me chance.

 

She will not be the last.

[somedude81]

Seriously, stop this. Why did you dub BG 'busy'? What exactly is she doing with her time? Maybe she doesn't have time to return your every text.

 

What kind of course load/job hours was your ex keeping as compared to yours? Who did the driving most of the time?

 

You were on target a few posts ago with some introspection. Get back to that.

 

Nobody is too busy to respond to a text.

 

I sent her a text around 1 pm yesterday. Being too busy to respond to a text in 24 hours is BS. She's avoiding me.

[somedude81]

Would you give it up if it could change your 20-year pattern, change your depression, make you more engaged and self-motivated in life, and open you to emotional connections to women- if it could stop the looping? Would you try?

 

See, it sounds like an addiction if you absolutely can’t give it up. Weigh your priorities.

 

Watch the video and see how the brain changes, or gets wired from a young age. Some of the people discussed in it have, like you, had a difficulty developing passion for other things, delayed college completion, depression, and so on.

 

It also discusses the differences between internet porn and real relationships and how real relationships involve emotional connection, which it seems you don’t understand. It’s possible that you don’t even perceive and understand the emotional and interpersonal core of real relationship.

 

I know that my bringing up internet porn on the internet itself might be somewhat like walking into a bar on Superbowl Sunday and saying alcohol or football might be a problem- kind of blasphemous, and most everyone would grab their beers and hold ‘em tight. We all obviously love the internet. But if you’re really serious about changing and are suffering mental health problems, seriously, look into this. I mean, SD, it’s been 20 years and you’ve posted thousands of posts expressing your sadness and depression.

 

At least watch the video to learn that there are actual brain changes and what has been discovered. And bring it up with your therapist, maybe show him or her the video, since it also discusses how many therapists misdiagnose internet or porn addiction.

 

BlueIris, I know you are trying put porn is not my problem. I am starving for an emotional connection, intimacy and companionship. My sexual needs are mostly being met, everything else isn't. In other words, despite the fact that I'm having regular sex, I'm still depressed. When I had a GF, I wasn't depressed at all. Everything I was craving had been met by her.

[somedude81]

Somedude, I'm going to throw out a suggestion.

 

Next time you're all dolled up for an interview, find someone to take your picture. Outside, in good lighting. Give yourself extra time so you're not rushed. Strangers have walked up to me in public and asked me to shoot a pic, and I've done the same. It's NBD. Or maybe your FWB would do it for you!

 

Update your profile with it, and emphasize your IT skills along with your gaming. Go for that nerdy girl, just one a bit older. She's out there.

 

I've actually asked her to help me take pictures for OLD and to work on my profile. Next time we'll meet up that will happen.

[MidwestUSA]

I've actually asked her to help me take pictures for OLD and to work on my profile. Next time we'll meet up that will happen.

 

Awesome!!!

[xxoo]

I'm asking why do I have to work hard and make things happen to get a girl?

 

Women don't have to do anything other than exist. Yes I'm in that bitter phase right now.

 

Because that's attractive.

 

You aren't a woman, so the realities for women don't apply to you. It's a waste of time to compare when you could be working hard and becoming attractive to women.

[MidwestUSA]

Nobody is too busy to respond to a text.

 

I sent her a text around 1 pm yesterday. Being too busy to respond to a text in 24 hours is BS. She's avoiding me.

 

So she is. So you move on. Don't take any more bread crumbs.

[somedude81]

Somedude..

 

You need to realise the priorities in your life.

 

 

1. Being happy

2. Finding work

3. Affording your apartment and car

 

Yes I'm very aware of that. That's why I'm putting in lots of focus into finding work. I'm expecting an email today from the last place I interviewed with to tell me if I got the job or not. Regardless I'm going to send out more resumes today.

 

Once I get the job, then the only goal I have left is to find a GF.

 

Busy girl has already told you she does not like you in that way.

You find her cute and you get along with her.

You have ...HAVE to realise that women and men can be just friends/acqaintances too and that is how she has been with you.

 

Of course I realize that. I have had many female friends in my life. Unfortunately I've fallen for most of them, and my feelings were never returned, because that's what women do, and the friendships ended. Honestly I never expected her to ever like me. I was hoping a miracle could happen, but in the end I knew that nothing was ever going to happen between us.

 

 

She has been fair, straight up, very clear that she is not interested in that way.

 

 

If she is ignoring you right now it's because she doesn't want to encourage you.

 

 

In a few days she may reply to all your texts....but only because she feels bad and is aware you may guilt trip her like you have done before.

('the you ignored me' set of texts months ago).

 

At this point I expect her to never reply to me. All women I have ever been interested in have disappeared from my life without warning. She will be no different.

 

 

BG is 24, is at optimal time for her education and her life.

 

 

You are 33. She knows you are older and you know she does as she made a comment alluding to age..

 

She has never made any age related comment. You're probably thinking about somebody else.

 

And no, she should have graduated already. She won't be done with college till she's 26. That's much older than average. She started very late.

 

 

To have BG interested you need to be 24/6 (probably), working or in college same as her, looking to get his own place and be independent

And..she has to be attracted.

She is looking for an equal.

 

 

You two are not equal.

 

Yes I am her equal. She's in college and only working part-time.

 

Regardless, getting a full-time job isn't going to make her suddenly want me.

 

The only thing that matters about what you said is that she isn't attracted to me. That's why 99% of women I've liked didn't want to date me. They weren't attracted. I have no clue why that is. All I have is this voice yelling at me that I'm too short and not good looking enough to make up for it. I strongly believe that if I was 5'10, BG would have a crush on me.

 

Find a woman your age who has just graduated and is job searching but has her own place and car.

 

The odds of finding a woman like that are incredibly low. Where would I even start looking?

 

I wonder if being in college so long makes you see a women talking to you as 'romantic interest'?

 

 

Life is full of banter and people talking..all the time.

It doesn't mean we want a relationship with those we chat with.

 

Of course. I never expect women to like me. I just pray that somebody I'll meet a woman that I really enjoy talking to, that I think is cute, and that has common interests with, will actually like me back.

[BlueIris]

BlueIris, I know you are trying put porn is not my problem. I am starving for an emotional connection, intimacy and companionship. My sexual needs are mostly being met, everything else isn't. In other words, despite the fact that I'm having regular sex, I'm still depressed. When I had a GF, I wasn't depressed at all. Everything I was craving had been met by her.

 

Yes, that is one of the points made in the video.

 

Anyway, your choice. When things get serious enough to prompt you to change you will. That was only one variable to eliminate if you want change, and maybe easier than years of therapy.

 

I'm asking why do I have to work hard and make things happen to get a girl?

 

You don’t HAVE to. You’ve posted tens of thousands of posts here complaining and asking for advice and saying you are miserable. IF you want to stop being miserable and scrape off your self-defeating behavior, you WILL change. But, no… you don’t HAVE to change.

 

Gotta say, I was lured by the seeming desire to change in the opening post, but I was wrong. It would be nice if you put in your opening posts that you do not want to change, you do not want to work hard, and that you still blame women for the fact that the women you want to date don’t want to date you… instead of waiting for a dozen+ pages to tell us that yet again.

 

Somedude81, everything is your choice.

 

Women don't have to do anything other than exist. Yes I'm in that bitter phase right now.

 

Also as I said earlier, I strongly feel that even when I get a job and settled, dating will still be very hard for me. Then what are people going to suggest I do?

Edited January 29, 2015 by BlueIris

[xxoo]

The only thing that matters about what you said is that she isn't attracted to me. That's why 99% of women I've liked didn't want to date me. They weren't attracted. I have no clue why that is. All I have is this voice yelling at me that I'm too short and not good looking enough to make up for it. I strongly believe that if I was 5'10, BG would have a crush on me.

 

You're not self-driven enough. Women don't see you as a man who would be a strong partner. Unlike your height, this is something you can change.

[sweetjasmine]

I'm asking why do I have to work hard and make things happen to get a girl?

 

Almost everyone has to work hard and make things happen to get anything they want. That's reality.

 

Also as I said earlier, I strongly feel that even when I get a job and settled, dating will still be very hard for me. Then what are people going to suggest I do?

 

The same things they've suggested over and over and over and over again. Expanding your social circle by going out, making friends, going to Meetups, getting out of the house and doing things, approaching a lot more women. But you're not taking that advice now so chances are you won't be taking it later, either.