I hate getting a crush on women and becoming infatuated.

[somedude81]

Having common interests does not need to mean anything beyond friends. SO many people are great for friendship but FAR from "dating material" for me personally (but maybe ideal dating material for someone else).

 

What makes a guy dating material for an early 20's woman?

 

You're friends. Why not ask her what she's looking for in a guy? She might not be able to answer in a satisfying way, but I don't see any reason you can't ask her.

 

OK. If I hang out with her in the near future I'll ask her.

 

Here's another relationship quality for me: someone who is assertive. I need that in a partner. And that is something demonstrated through big and small daily interactions, not something that I need months of knowing a person to discover.

 

The thing is that I already tried to be assertive with her and I think I came on too strong. I'm trying to find the right amount of intensity for her.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Yes, pursuing only 18-20 girls in a 5-6 year period is incredibly low. Dating is a huge numbers game and it seems like you almost purposely prevent yourself from succeeding by barely even trying. There's no reason why you can't be out meeting women. Go to a bar, take a dance class, go to a Meetup event, etc....but you've heard this all before.

 

What should it be?

 

More like 75-125 women in a 5 year period?

 

That's a lot of rejections. I mean, I don't necessarily disagree with you, but you don't just say to a guy 'Go get rejected by a 125 women to make anything happen'.

 

He's gotta see that's the case before he believes it.

[somedude81]

Try going after different types of women?

 

The hard part about that is I know what my type is. I like women who love to dance, are nerdy, intelligent and are really fun to interact with. For whatever reason those women don't like me. I'm not sure what to do. Go after women who aren't my type at all?

[Million.to.1]

Light skin, brown hair, brown eyes, 5'5, average body, slightly above average looks. I know the major hurdle is my height.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She has no idea how old I am.

 

She knows I have friends and that I'm sociable.

 

This is not my first full-time job and she has no reason to believe that it is.

 

 

 

 

Also I can't see why I'm not on the same playing field as a 22 year old new college grad simply because I'm older.

 

 

 

And after all these years I still haven't heard an answer that actually explains why.

 

 

Um... I think you actually have had it explained to you SD. I have read hundreds of posts by people trying to delicately put the obvious truth to you... But you just don't want to hear it.

 

Fact is YOU are not on the same playing field as a 22 year old college grad. The reason? They have 11 years on you to make something of themselves. To work, travel, grow, experience life. You'd had yours.

 

The fact that you think that people who don't know your real age will assume you are 8-10 years younger proves this.

 

I'm telling you straight. YOU LOOK YOUR AGE.

[xxoo]

What makes a guy dating material for an early 20's woman?

 

I can't answer for her That's what you need to understand. She has her own "dream man" just as you have your own "dream woman". She has her own idea of a great relationship just as you have yours and I have mine. You have to understand that she's an individual with her own desires.

 

 

The thing is that I already tried to be assertive with her and I think I came on too strong. I'm trying to find the right amount of intensity for her.

 

Not necessarily assertiveness with her. Assertiveness in general, as a character trait, which comes across whether you're ordering lunch or interacting with a group or participating in class.

 

Maybe she doesn't care about that, though. This is just an example of something that an individual woman might consider important in dating, but not in friends.

[JuneJulySeptember]

The hard part about that is I know what my type is. I like women who love to dance, are nerdy, intelligent and are really fun to interact with. For whatever reason those women don't like me. I'm not sure what to do. Go after women who aren't my type at all?

 

Maybe you could try foreign women?

 

Didn't you say you were part Latino? Maybe you could go for South American or Central American born women who are residing here?

 

I mean, we act like things like these things don't matter and instead keep feeding you all this psychological mumbo-jumbo, but lets be honest. These things matter. And in my experience, and watching the type of women my friends have landed, foreign women are easier.

 

I really can't say for sure why (and I have ideas) but just know it's true. I have never dated a US born woman and it's not by any kind of choice.

[somedude81]

 

Fact is YOU are not on the same playing field as a 22 year old college grad. The reason? They have 11 years on you to make something of themselves. To work, travel, grow, experience life. You'd had yours.

 

Does that mean I'm dying?

 

How much longer do I have left to live?

[xxoo]

And after all these years I still haven't heard an answer that actually explains why.

 

Nothing about women makes any sense to me.

 

Can you accept things without necessarily understanding them?

 

Many things about my husband (and men in general) don't "make sense" to me because I don't personally share the feeling. But that doesn't mean I discount his feeling and experience. If it is explained to me, I accept that we are different in this way, even though I can't personally imagine feeling that way.

[Million.to.1]

Does that mean I'm dying?

 

How much longer do I have left to live?

 

Don't be a D**k. You know what I mean.

 

You've had that 11years. They are a pretty important period of life and I'm sorry to say, but people will judge. Young woman especially.

[clia]

What should it be?

 

More like 75-125 women in a 5 year period?

 

That's a lot of rejections. I mean, I don't necessarily disagree with you, but you don't just say to a guy 'Go get rejected by a 125 women to make anything happen'.

 

He's gotta see that's the case before he believes it.

 

I'm not saying he has to get rejected by 125 women. But he increases his odds that one will say yes if he asks out 125 women instead of 20 women. There's no set number for success, unfortunately.

 

Honestly, one of the most successful guys I've ever seen with women is in his mid-fifties, around 5'5", average looking, owns his own business but isn't rich. But he has a big social life, goes out all the time, and asks out a lot of women. If one says no, he moves on to the next one. He always ends the night with at least one phone number (if not more), and most of those turn into dates. He goes on 1-2 dates a week. (He's not looking for a relationship; if he wanted a girlfriend, he could have one given the sheer volume of women he meets and dates.)

[Imajerk17]

Of course.

 

But Busy Girl doesn't see those things in me. She knows that I just graduated college, that I'm looking for work and am actively going on interviews (I'll find out if I get a job tomorrow). She also knows that I have my own car and apartment.

 

I seriously doubt that she would be able to mention any red flags about me. She knows that we have many common interests. That's why I'm struggling to understand why she isn't interested.

 

BTW, one thing I do need to convey is that I know that she truly is busy with life. The spring college semester just started for her and I know she is taking a lot of units. I know that she believes that she doesn't have time for a boyfriend, but I'm not quite sure how much time she thinks it would take to have a boyfriend. I really don't require a lot of attention. I wish I could somehow convey to her that we could date without interfering with her schooling.

 

Of course, if she was interested in me, she wouldn't be telling me that she's busy right?

 

 

Somedude81, what you need to understand is: None of this really matters.

 

The reason why Busy Girl probably isn't interested in you probably isn't due to your work situation--although I suspect she has a far better idea of what your age is than you think she does. The reason why Busy Girl isn't interested in you is....well, she just isn't. That's why they call it Chemistry.

 

The good news for you is that there are plenty of bubbly nerdy girls who like dancing AND who are closer in age to you and are more likely to go for you. You would stand a better chance of being attractive to them (not every single one but a workable percentage of them) if you were to develop yourself RE how it has been talked about in your other threads.

[clia]

No interest in meeting girls in bars but I do take dance classes outside of college.

 

Why aren't you interested in meeting girls at bars?

 

What I need most of all are situations where I can interact with a woman a few times before I ask her out.

 

This gets very difficult as you get older.

 

Once I get a job I'll try OLD. I've looked a bit at meet up groups and nothing really stands out to me. I'll look again soon.

 

I think you will have more success at Meetup events where you can meet women and interact in person than you will with OLD.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I'm not saying he has to get rejected by 125 women. But he increases his odds that one will say yes if he asks out 125 women instead of 20 women. There's no set number for success, unfortunately.

 

Honestly, one of the most successful guys I've ever seen with women is in his mid-fifties, around 5'5", average looking, owns his own business but isn't rich. But he has a big social life, goes out all the time, and asks out a lot of women. If one says no, he moves on to the next one. He always ends the night with at least one phone number (if not more), and most of those turn into dates. He goes on 1-2 dates a week. (He's not looking for a relationship; if he wanted a girlfriend, he could have one given the sheer volume of women he meets and dates.)

 

No, I agree.

 

Trust me, been there.

 

There's also the concept of the path of least resistance. If I approach women who are my age, race, and shorter than me, and I am getting rejected at a clip of 1 out of 20, then it stands to reason that if I hit on young, hot blondes at Fashion week, my rejection clip will be about 1 to 200 or 1 to infinity. I dunno. But in any case, it's how you play the game.

[somedude81]

Somedude81, what you need to understand is: None of this really matters.

 

The reason why Busy Girl probably isn't interested in you probably isn't due to your work situation--although I suspect she has a far better idea of what your age is than you think she does. The reason why Busy Girl isn't interested in you is....well, she just isn't. That's why they call it Chemistry.

 

God I hate chemistry. I made a long ass thread about it a while ago.

 

Essentially chemistry is the catch all magic term that is used to explain why girls aren't interested in guys. "They just don't feel chemistry"

 

The good news for you is that there are plenty of bubbly nerdy girls who like dancing AND who are closer in age to you and are more likely to go for you. You would stand a better chance of being attractive to them (not every single one but a workable percentage of them) if you were to develop yourself RE how it has been talked about in your other threads.

 

I don't know, I keep meeting those types of women and they never want to date me, with the one exception of my ex.

 

Honestly I'm starting to think that maybe it is women are screwed up and not me.

[Million.to.1]

Honestly I'm starting to think that maybe it is women are screwed up and not me.

 

You are so right. So best stay clear.

[xxoo]

Honestly I'm starting to think that maybe it is women are screwed up and not me.

 

Do they seem unhappy? It sounds like BG has her life exactly as she wants it right now.

[Satu]

My philosophy goes like this:

 

Be exactly the same person on the outside, as you are on the inside.

 

Then proceed in goodwill with an open heart and an open mind.

 

Its nice and simple, and it works for me.

[MissBee]

God I hate chemistry. I made a long ass thread about it a while ago.

 

Essentially chemistry is the catch all magic term that is used to explain why girls aren't interested in guys. "They just don't feel chemistry"

 

 

 

I don't know, I keep meeting those types of women and they never want to date me, with the one exception of my ex.

 

Honestly I'm starting to think that maybe it is women are screwed up and not me.

 

It's not a catch all magic term.

 

It's the same for guys as well.

 

Do you like EVERY woman you meet? If you don't like a woman is something wrong with her necessarily or she just doesn't do it for you while another woman does?

 

I see unsuccessful guys poo-poo on chemistry when it's something everyone feels or doesn't and determines why most people, men or women, will like some folks and not others. It's not magical...it's a pretty mundane thing that governs how most of us experience romance. We like some people and want to date them and not others. Sometimes nothing is terribly wrong with the other person: we may have common interests, can laugh with them, even think they look good but just don't want to be with them in a relationship....this is also how FWB works (and don't you have a FWB? So why do you deem her good enough to sleep with but not be with??). We may even find someone attractive enough to sleep with and hang out with but don't get that excited feeling we get about someone else who we automatically want more with and want to date. It's not magic. You yourself experience it so it's really silly to make it seem like magic and only something women experience.

[JuneJulySeptember]

How can it not be obvious? You want to date younger women, right? Well, most of them want to date younger men. You're older, so you're automatically out of the picture for most of the women you are interested in. That fact would be painfully obvious to 99.9% of the population, but you are still in denial for some reason.

 

Like another poster mentioned, life doesn't always make sense, we just need to learn to accept things as they are. This is your problem. Quit asking so many questions why these things are as they are and accept them as such. Even when it is explained to you in great detail you still don't seem to get it, so you may as well just move on with your life.

 

It's funny how this forum works.

 

In one thread, people are telling a guy he cannot go for women he is attracted to because they are out of reach. In another thread, they are telling a guy he is an idiot because he is selecting women to message/hit on based on his perceived chances with them according to their relative physical attractiveness.

 

I think one guy said "Why would you not go for the women you are most attracted to?"

 

Maybe because she is 22, hot, and way out of my league? I am attracted to younger women too, but I don't go for them. Yea, if I had my pick, I'd probably go for a hot 24 year old.

 

In any case, I think the problem is that young men are encouraged to reach for the stars, when in reality their confines are a much, much smaller pool in most cases. If you can identify that pool when you are a much younger man and be happy with it, you can make life a lot easier on yourself.

[somedude81]

It's not a catch all magic term.

 

It's the same for guys as well.

 

Do you like EVERY woman you meet?

 

If she is at least cute, likes the same things I do and is fun to talk to.. yes!

 

But that's not how women work.

 

I know that I'm not ugly and that BG enjoys my company, and she knows we have common interests, so it makes no sense to me why she's not interested. No I don't know what her deal breakers are, but I'm pretty sure that none of them apply to me.

 

I see unsuccessful guys poo-poo on chemistry when it's something everyone feels or doesn't and determines why most people, men or women, will like some folks and not others.

 

Of course we "poo-poo" on chemistry. When ever we struggle with women the only thing we are told is that the chemistry wasn't there. That's a bullsh*t answer.

 

It's not magical...it's a pretty mundane thing that governs how most of us experience romance. We like some people and want to date them and not others. Sometimes nothing is terribly wrong with the other person: we may have common interests, can laugh with them, even think they look good but just don't want to be with them in a relationship.

 

Except you can't define chemistry. Why it works for some people and not others. Chemistry makes no logical sense.

 

...this is also how FWB works (and don't you have a FWB? So why do you deem her good enough to sleep with but not be with??). We may even find someone attractive enough to sleep with and hang out with but don't get that excited feeling we get about someone else who we automatically want more with and want to date. It's not magic. You yourself experience it so it's really silly to make it seem like magic and only something women experience.

 

Yes I do have a FWB. Is there chemistry between us? I have no clue at all. She's attractive and I enjoy her company, plus she's very giving. That's good enough for a FWB with me.

 

One thing I do know is that there are certain things about her that explain why I don't want to have a relationship with her. There is no mystery why not.

Edited January 28, 2015 by somedude81

[somedude81]

The thing is, she wouldn't really be classified as dating up for me. She's cute but not hot and she's only ~5'2.

 

We are rougly equivalent in appearance and look good together.

[xxoo]

 

One thing I do know is that there are certain things about her that explain why I don't want to have a relationship with her. There is no mystery why not.

 

And there is likely no mystery for BG why she doesn't want to date you. But she's not going to list it. All that matters is the answer is no.

[clia]

If she is at least cute, likes the same things I do and is fun to talk to.. yes!

 

But that's not how women work.

 

That's not how most men work either.

 

I know that I'm not ugly and that BG enjoys my company, and she knows we have common interests, so it makes no sense to me why she's not interested. No I don't know what her deal breakers are, but I'm pretty sure that none of them apply to me.

 

I think it's safe to assume that at least one of her deal breakers does apply to you considering that she doesn't want to date you.

 

One thing I do know is that there are certain things about her that explain why I don't want to have a relationship with her. There is no mystery why not.

 

There is no mystery for busy girl about why she doesn't want to date you either. She knows exactly why. Whether she will tell you the true reasons are another story entirely.

[JuneJulySeptember]

The thing is, she wouldn't really be classified as dating up for me. She's cute but not hot and she's only ~5'2.

 

We are rougly equivalent in appearance and look good together.

 

Meaningless.

 

Even if you were truly in the same league, men more have several types while women have one type.

 

So, you might be the equivalent in league, but she likes Indian guys, or she likes biker guys, or she likes athletic guys.

 

Oh, and 5'2" does NOT mean she like short guys. C'mon man, I don't have to tell you THAT.

 

You need to go for a woman in your league who ALSO likes the type you are. That's why I suggest foreign women. You being American would be a plus.

 

I dunno how much of you asking for advice is sincere, but if it is, think about it seriously. I'm a guy in your shoes and it's been a pool for me. I'm telling you truthfully. I can't even recall the last date I had with an American woman.

Edited January 28, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[Imajerk17]

The thing is, she wouldn't really be classified as dating up for me. She's cute but not hot and she's only ~5'2.

 

We are rougly equivalent in appearance and look good together.

 

Who cares if (you think that) you and she are "roughly equivalent"? She just isn't feeling it for you. She doesn't have to have a reason that you find acceptable for that, she just isn't into you.

 

(This might be a surprise to the Struggling Dudes but there are plenty of MEN who don't feel it for most women even those who are "in their league". But I digress.)

 

That said, reasons why Busy Girl isn't interested may or may not include

--her being into another guy,

--your age (she can probably tell but anyway I agree w enigma that it's creepy of you to try to hide your age)

--you're just not her type

--you're too needy.

 

You increase your chances of attracting the NEXT girl (but not all the way to 100%) by getting your life in order and by pursuing women closer in age to you.

Edited January 28, 2015 by Imajerk17