I hate getting a crush on women and becoming infatuated.

[elaine567]

Your post pretty much went into detail about what I said earlier when I said some off the wall type. And everybody got annoyed at me.

 

Yes, I do think that the only reason she is not interested in me is because she may only be interested in skinny French guys that do yoga.

 

To me it's really weird how women do that, where they can only be into one type and all other men might as well not exist.

 

For me, while there is one type of women I really like, I would happily date women of many other types as long as they don't have my deal breakers.

 

YOU are the "off the wall" type to a 20 something woman, you have to acknowledge that. She may be quite straightforward in her preferences actually.

 

Most women are open to all sorts of guys, why are you now saying women are only into one type and all other men might as well not exist???

Is it not the same for men too, men that hanker after brunettes or blondes or girls with big assets, or women who can cook well or women who are fit or skinny or BBWs...

WE all have our preferences, some are seen as essential in our chosen partners, some are negotiable.

[somedude81]

Good post!

 

I wanted to clarify somedude, I'm not saying you are a stalker or will become one.

 

What I'm saying is that some of your logic is very similar to that of people who are. People who go on to stalk start off by being obsessed with the fantasy of someone they don't know very well but use the bits they do know and add to it and then blow it up into something of their own making and convince themselves it's mutual or that it should be and then that leads them to thinking they and the person are "meant to be", and when the person doesn't reciprocate it makes them angry and they think it makes no sense or the person is being stubborn or irrational and it is their job to "show them" the truth. It is often one-sided and totally fueled by the stalker's own imaginings.

 

Right off the bat, I'm completely aware that my feelings for these women are not mutual. They are never mutual and I expect them to never be.

 

Yes I am obsessed about the fantasy that I have built up.

 

I can easily imagine us on a cruise around Europe where we are doing Tango. At home we go hiking and have a few beautiful hybrid-exotic cats. BTW, those are all things that I know she likes. She loves dancing and travel, and cruises and exotic cats.

 

It feels like it's mean to be, but I know it's not. I know that I will never get the women that I feel are best for me. The ones that I would be crazy about for as long as she was with me. Those women will always be out of my reach.

 

While you may never physically stalk or harm these women, you do get obsessed easily with women you know casually but don't know very well. You blow them up to epic proportions as "perfect" in your mind, stalkers love to idealize their victims, or when they get upset they demonize them, which you do also, where if they don't like you they are some woman with unreasonable expectations who is illogical.

 

How am I demonizing BG? The only thing I'm saying is that she may have unreasonable expectations in a guy or that she likes some weird type. People have said similar things as well that she may only like a specific type.

 

The point is: the level at which you obsess and worry about women you know casually isn't the norm. Having a crush should be lighthearted not the way you go on about it and where you have signed on the dotted line and have elevated them to the perfect gf even though again, you only know them casually in casual social settings and have never spent enough alone time in a romantic way with them to know if in fact you'd be "perfect."

 

I've spent far too many years of my life alone, have failed with far too many women, and am desperate to have a girlfriend that crushes can't be lighthearted.

 

Also it's not my fault that I haven't been able to spend more time alone with her and in a romantic way. It's certainly not for a lack of trying.

 

I would love to get to know BG better!

 

You also suggest that because you know certain things about them casually that is enough to know you'd be happy with them. Like what more could you need than she is cute, likes to dance and is fun...I mean....all relationships start off with some basic level of liking someone but most don't work out because in the end after getting to know them more intimately you often find other things that don't work or don't fit. Yet, you seem to discount this and have the idea that your fantasy will be reality and no way could anything be different once dating so just keep on insisting on your perfect match for each other. That is illogical on your part and again similar to how stalkers think, they obsess and in your fantasy of course everything is to your liking but in reality, the other person has faults and free will and can choose you or not and will do imperfect things.

 

Please consider my relationship experience when you say things like that.

 

I've only had one six month relationship. I don't have a clue how things are supposed to be. All I have to go on is that there are women that I'm attracted to, that I enjoy interacting with and they enjoy the same things as I do. From my limited experience that is enough to tell me that a woman is perfect for me.

 

You putting these women on a pedestal is a problem. Because you put them there and build them up you start obsessing and believing you need to be with them and it would be perfect once they also realize it. A crush however, should not make you lose all sense of reality, reason and balance. When I have a crush, it's a crush, not something that deep. I remind myself that I may like a guy but don't know him well enough to know if we'd really work.

 

Odds are you have much more relationship experience than I do.

 

You know better.

 

I don't.

 

 

but if there is a way to find out, find out, and be accepting that it may not be you. You shouldn't have to learn and try to pretend to be it...simply accept it and move on to a woman more your speed. But just stop idealizing women you barely know and running 100 miles ahead with YOUR fantasy which has ZERO to do with them and their wants and desires. I like to dance, I'm cute, I have big breasts, I don't LOVE going to bars all the time, I love cooking and I'm funny...but I know you and I would never be a good match. We'd not gel based on lots of things I can tell about you and your mentality and my own ambitions and life path in comparison to yours...see?

 

That's because you have the privilege of reading everything I post.

 

And even then, you have absolutely no idea what my ambitions are. All you are doing is basing what you know about me on my past and even then there are several things you are glossing over.

 

It's BS that people keep saying that I have low ambition because I took a long time in college. No, I took a long time in college because I had a math learning disability! I would have been done years ago if I didn't need to take those classes or if I passed my math classes the very first time I took them.

 

Frankly, the fact that I stuck it out in college because I really wanted to get my degree instead of giving up shows that I do have lots of ambition for my life. I recognized that a college degree is necessary for getting the higher level jobs in my field.

[somedude81]

The only thing that is clear is that YOU are not her type. What can you do with that? Move on. There is no reason for you to understand her inner workings and desires to accept the reality.

 

You should develop yourself so that you fit more women's type. It's not just about avoiding red flags, but developing qualities that inspire attraction. And it isn't a matter of tailoring yourself to be attractive to a specific woman. It's about actually being an attractive person. Look at the average looking guys who have a lot of luck dating. What makes them attractive? They've got something going for them, usually many things.

 

OK, how should I develop myself to fit more women's type?

 

Do you think I am talking about your actual resume?

My dating resume.

 

What part of it do I need to work on?

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

Most women are open to all sorts of guys, why are you now saying women are only into one type and all other men might as well not exist???

 

In my experience, it is largely true. Women are very narrow in their tastes. Men might be as well, but I sure as h@ll am not.

 

And OLD has only confirmed my suspicions to the Nth degree. People spell out exactly what they want, and believe me, it is narrow. I mean, it is what it is, but I completely agree with SD on that one.

[MissBee]

Right off the bat, I'm completely aware that my feelings for these women are not mutual. They are never mutual and I expect them to never be.

 

Yes I am obsessed about the fantasy that I have built up.

 

I can easily imagine us on a cruise around Europe where we are doing Tango. At home we go hiking and have a few beautiful hybrid-exotic cats. BTW, those are all things that I know she likes. She loves dancing and travel, and cruises and exotic cats.

 

It feels like it's mean to be, but I know it's not. I know that I will never get the women that I feel are best for me. The ones that I would be crazy about for as long as she was with me. Those women will always be out of my reach.

 

 

 

How am I demonizing BG? The only thing I'm saying is that she may have unreasonable expectations in a guy or that she likes some weird type. People have said similar things as well that she may only like a specific type.

 

 

 

I've spent far too many years of my life alone, have failed with far too many women, and am desperate to have a girlfriend that crushes can't be lighthearted.

 

Also it's not my fault that I haven't been able to spend more time alone with her and in a romantic way. It's certainly not for a lack of trying.

 

I would love to get to know BG better!

 

 

 

Please consider my relationship experience when you say things like that.

 

I've only had one six month relationship. I don't have a clue how things are supposed to be. All I have to go on is that there are women that I'm attracted to, that I enjoy interacting with and they enjoy the same things as I do. From my limited experience that is enough to tell me that a woman is perfect for me.

 

 

 

Odds are you have much more relationship experience than I do.

 

You know better.

 

I don't.

 

 

 

 

That's because you have the privilege of reading everything I post.

 

And even then, you have absolutely no idea what my ambitions are. All you are doing is basing what you know about me on my past and even then there are several things you are glossing over.

 

It's BS that people keep saying that I have low ambition because I took a long time in college. No, I took a long time in college because I had a math learning disability! I would have been done years ago if I didn't need to take those classes or if I passed my math classes the very first time I took them.

 

Frankly, the fact that I stuck it out in college because I really wanted to get my degree instead of giving up shows that I do have lots of ambition for my life. I recognized that a college degree is necessary for getting the higher level jobs in my field.

 

Good luck somedude! I don't really know what else to tell you.

 

I'm not paid enough for this .

[somedude81]

Somedude, what's the nature of your friendship with Busy Girl since the semester ended? Do you talk on the phone or just text? Do you go out with her and her friends, or with her alone? Does she initiate texts or does she ever call you? What do you two do together, if you do go out? How often?

 

Just trying to understand why you are so obsessed with this girl.

 

I'm obsessed with her because I like how she looks. I really enjoy her personality and the banter we have. She loves to dance and she learns new moves very quickly. She likes several things that I do, and I can tell that if we were a couple there were be many things that we can do together. She wants to have exotic-hybrid cats

 

No, she never imitates contact and we don't talk or see each other nearly enough. I know she isn't interested in my and that really hurts me. I don't understand why I can like her so much for the reasons I listed and yet she doesn't like me for whatever reasons she has.

[somedude81]

Good luck somedude! I don't really know what else to tell you.

 

I'm not paid enough for this .

 

Please don't write me long messages that you want me to reply to if you aren't even going to respond.

 

I will remember this MissBee.

[Dybbuk]

In that case, we do have chemistry based on what you said. We do talk and laugh together and conversation is really easy.

 

Well YOU might think you have chemistry with her, but does she feel that same thing for you? Obviously not, if she has stated she would like to be friends only. In order for people to have chemistry with one another, both of them have to feel it. You do laugh and have nice conversation, but some people are very social and can have a pleasant conversation with anyone! She's probably a very friendly and outgoing person, which is probably one of the reasons you're attracted to her, but do not mistake her friendliness as a sign that she should want to date you. Unfortunately that's not how it works out. I've had a guy tell me "I feel there is something (read: chemistry, sparks, whatever you want to call it) between us" when I was just being polite and making small talk with him when I was at the store. They mistook it for something more, and unfortunately while I could have a pleasant conversation with them, I still didn't feel comfortable with them, nor had any desire to spend more time with them. It sucks, but that's how it works!

 

 

My guess is that it all boils down to looks for her. For whatever reason she doesn't think I'm good looking enough. Maybe it's because I'm 5'5 and not super good looking. Odds are my looks is the primary reason why I've been consistently turned down by women.

 

They say attraction starts with the physical. It sounds horrible, but I know I need to be attracted to a man on SOME level in order to date him. Men can be the same way. Does he need to be a statuesque god? No. Some women can be flexible on looks, but there are other women who do have strict preferences when it comes to height, ethnicity, build, age whatever. You can't change those things about yourself. Instead you just put yourself out there enough to find someone who accepts you for who you are, that you also find attractive. It happens, but you do need to move on for the people who will never give you the time of day! You're wasting your time while another person could be passing you by.

 

Mutual interests and things in common are very important. Yet for some reason nobody ever thinks they are when I talk about them. Why is that?

 

They are important but they are not the FOUNDATION of any relationship. For example: My boyfriend and I don't need to like the same kind of music or TV shows to be crazy about one another. What I love about him is the kind of person he is. I know what kind of person he is based on LONG in depth conversations I've had with him. My point in saying that mutual interests =/= great relationship is you are building up this woman as being "the one" when you really don't know her. Instead of getting wrapped up in fantasies about her being amazing because "OMG you both like the same things" you need to play it cool and realize... ok, we have some stuff in common let's see if she'll go on a date with me, and if she refuses... Oh well! You move on instead of constructing this idea in your mind that you were a perfect match based on some superficial factors like same taste in movies or music.

 

From what I know of her so far, she is amazing. I really doubt that would change if I get to know her better. If anything she would turn out to be better than I thought she was, which happened with my ex.

 

Again read statement above^ From what you KNOW she sounds amazing. You don't know truly who she is. You did say something true though... sometimes people "turn out to be better than you thought they would"... that is so true!!! There are so many women out there, many of them who are open to finding a nice guy to meet and start a relationship with. Many of them won't be like BG... some might be more shy, or not know a ton of the things you like, but they'll be open to being a part of those things with you if they like you. All this to say, you're letting a world of opportunity pass you by because of fear of rejection. My advice? Date a woman you wouldn't normally date. See if she surprises you!

 

That's the whole thing where women have more value than men do simply because they are a woman.

 

A man decides how much value he's going to place on a woman. A woman decides how much value she's going to place on a man. Some men and women put TOO MUCH value on the other and let all their self worth be dictated on how other's feel about them. That's wrong. Just because a woman doesn't like you doesn't mean there is something wrong with you or her. Just means you two aren't meant to be together.

 

As for age, I think people put far too much focus on it in my threads. For many years I went after women my own age and women didn't like me then either. So my age wasn't a reason then.

 

If I meet a woman today who is my age and eventually she turns me down, once again age wouldn't be an actual factor. It's something easy that people bring up because they don't really have anything to add.

 

Age wasn't a reason then because when you're in your 20s going after women you're own age you still fall into the same trap of competing with lots of guys for the same kinds of women. There are lots and lots of men wanting to date young beautiful women in their early 20s. Now that you are in your early 30s you have a pool of women in that age range, who are more mature, more settled and have had experience with the dating game. A woman in her early 20s has lots of options, but they also tend to be flakey (some), superficial (some), and are pretty self aware they are wanted by lots of men. Women who are older, have been through all that BS, been through the games, and more than likely just want to find a nice man to settle down with. Age is a pro now. You can date women your own age who might actually give you the time of day...

 

The reason I'm getting bitter and am blaming women is that I've been failing at this game for a very long time. I've only had one girlfriend and that was when I was 31, and that only lasted six months. It's very difficult to be confident in regards to relationships and women based on my history. I hate the whole dating process because it never works for me.

 

It is frustrating! It's a tiresome and sometimes lonely process. However you do need to take responsibility for what you are doing wrong as well. Not everyone is perfect! I screwed up my first relationship with a guy when I first started dating last year because I got nervous and wasn't affectionate toward him. He got tired and faded out. Other guys I dated, I made the mistake of making myself too available so I came across as desperate. Had lots of guys reject me then. Do you think anyone told me those things? "Hey you're really clingy." or "The reason why I'm dumping you is because you seem really frigid." PFFF. They faded away in silence, and I had to take a hard look at myself and what I was doing wrong. I wasn't affectionate because I was scared to take a risk. I was acting desperate because I wanted them to like me. I decided to change up my tactics and be more open and personable. I also decided that if a guy wanted my attention I didn't need to chase him down, I'd like him initiate once in a while. A few months later, I was meeting lots of guys who were interested, but in the end I found my BF and have been working on myself ever since. These forums are a tremendous resource in helping change yourself IF YOU TAKE THE ADVICE.

 

I know I can make a woman happy if I was her boyfriend, but first I need to get past the interview, if I can even get the interview in the first place.

 

Think to yourself... what do you always do when you approach a woman? Can you alter this, change up your approach... approach different women you normally wouldn't go up to. There are some things you can change for sure.

 

I've been rejected by so many women and it is becoming very tiring. I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong so I can finally live a normal life with a woman and I'm not really learning anything.

 

IT COMES FULL CIRCLE. ^Look at the questions above and SELF REFLECT. Instead of asking "Why doesn't she like me?" ... ask "What can I do to see different results? What can I work on about myself that will make me feel more confident when approaching women?"

 

 

Hah, I wrote my previous sentence before I read this last part.

 

Yeah I need to start learning.

 

^Yep! Hop to it.

[rester]

I'm obsessed with her because I like how she looks. I really enjoy her personality and the banter we have. She loves to dance and she learns new moves very quickly. She likes several things that I do, and I can tell that if we were a couple there were be many things that we can do together. She wants to have exotic-hybrid cats

 

No, she never imitates contact and we don't talk or see each other nearly enough. I know she isn't interested in my and that really hurts me. I don't understand why I can like her so much for the reasons I listed and yet she doesn't like me for whatever reasons she has.

 

You like her so much because you built up the fantasy of her in your head with no foundation of really knowing her. Have you ever seen her in a bad mood? Have you dealt with her getting angry at you? Have you had any difficult conversations with her? Have you discussed your life goals?

 

I'm making an assumption here, but she sounds like a text buddy that you go dancing with once a month. That's why I asked what your friendship is like...it doesn't sound like it's even a friendship at this point.

 

Common interests like exotic cats mean far less in the grand scheme of things when it comes to lasting relationships.

 

Let her go, man. Don't text her anymore. Don't call her. Give her up. She's like a drug. She's not healthy for you, or you wouldn't have started this thread. No contact...you know what to do you just need to do it.

 

There will be others, but not until you get over this one. You have the power to stop the obsession, but you need to cut contact.

[somedude81]

You like her so much because you built up the fantasy of her in your head with no foundation of really knowing her. Have you ever seen her in a bad mood? Have you dealt with her getting angry at you? Have you had any difficult conversations with her? Have you discussed your life goals?

 

I'm making an assumption here, but she sounds like a text buddy that you go dancing with once a month. That's why I asked what your friendship is like...it doesn't sound like it's even a friendship at this point.

 

Common interests like exotic cats mean far less in the grand scheme of things when it comes to lasting relationships.

 

Let her go, man. Don't text her anymore. Don't call her. Give her up. She's like a drug. She's not healthy for you, or you wouldn't have started this thread. No contact...you know what to do you just need to do it.

 

There will be others, but not until you get over this one. You have the power to stop the obsession, but you need to cut contact.

 

Odds are I'll cut contact with her pretty soon. Even I have a point where I give up.

 

What scares me the most is that most likely later this year I'll meet a girl, become infatuated with her, and she won't like me, and so the cycle begins anew.

[JuneJulySeptember]

OK, how should I develop myself to fit more women's type?

 

My dating resume.

 

What part of it do I need to work on?

 

The problem is that the things that you can truly do to help, it's hard to do at your age.

 

For instance, money and a real good career would be killer. I was at a party earlier this month and most of the women and men were doctors/lawyers. None of the women would have dated you. But if you were a doctor, I bet you'd get a chance from at least most of them.

 

Maybe spend a year or so following politics and Stephen Colbert and picking up some witty humor? Women really love that type of crap. Maybe watch a lot of comedians for a year or two and really improve your sense of humor. It MIGHT help.

 

Salsa? If you really did get REALLY good at it, it might help just a bit. But not nearly as much as the above.

 

Other than that, I'm a blank.

[somedude81]

The problem is that the things that you can truly do to help, it's hard to do at your age.

 

For instance, money and a real good career would be killer. I was at a party earlier this month and most of the women and men were doctors/lawyers. None of the women would have dated you. But if you were a doctor, I bet you'd get a chance from at least most of them.

 

Maybe spend a year or so following politics and Stephen Colbert and picking up some witty humor? Women really love that type of crap. Maybe watch a lot of comedians for a year or two and really improve your sense of humor. It MIGHT help.

 

Salsa? If you really did get REALLY good at it, it might help just a bit. But not nearly as much as the above.

 

Other than that, I'm a blank.

 

Thanks for the tips JJS!

 

[xxoo]

OK, how should I develop myself to fit more women's type?

 

To put it bluntly, you need to grow up and present as a man who can be a full partner rather than a burden. Demonstrate competence in terms of building a career, or at least demonstrate ambition in terms of career plan (well beyond: get full time job). Have social connections that show you've earned and maintained friendships and alliances. Have hobbies that show you have spark and enjoy living a full life currently....not dreams of a full life with a woman later.

 

It seems like you've resisted joining your age peers in grown up life. It is time. And it isn't something to ask "how to do". It is simply something we each need to do. Put childish things to rest, and focus on the realities of being an adult. Only when we do the work do we reap the adult rewards.

[serial muse]

 

It's BS that people keep saying that I have low ambition because I took a long time in college. No, I took a long time in college because I had a math learning disability! I would have been done years ago if I didn't need to take those classes or if I passed my math classes the very first time I took them.

 

Frankly, the fact that I stuck it out in college because I really wanted to get my degree instead of giving up shows that I do have lots of ambition for my life. I recognized that a college degree is necessary for getting the higher level jobs in my field.

 

You're right. It's BS. Because that isn't why I, at least, said it.

 

I said it because you've said it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/503185-christian-girl-3.html#post6017111

 

You're the one who just brought up your degree in this thread as though that's proof of ambition, so I was directly responding to that...because you yourself have also noted that it isn't, really! So...wtf.

 

Why not just accept that you have modest goals for life and embrace that? And find someone who shares that outlook. You can't force-fit it. Path to happiness right there.

Edited January 28, 2015 by serial muse

[somedude81]

To put it bluntly, you need to grow up and present as a man who can be a full partner rather than a burden. Demonstrate competence in terms of building a career, or at least demonstrate ambition in terms of career plan (well beyond: get full time job).

 

And how do you know I'm not doing that?

 

I just got my Business degree and right now I need entry level IT work. That pretty much amounts to getting a full-time IT job with crap pay. Once I have 1-2 years of experience the amount of money I can earn will double.

 

I will keep getting experience and moving up in the field.

 

Right now I'm just starting at the bottom.

 

Have social connections that show you've earned and maintained friendships and alliances.

 

Those will take time to form.

 

While I am working on that, I refuse to accept that no woman will date me because I don't have X number of friends.

 

Have hobbies that show you have spark and enjoy living a full life currently....not dreams of a full life with a woman later.

 

I have hobbies now.

 

It seems like you've resisted joining your age peers in grown up life. It is time. And it isn't something to ask "how to do". It is simply something we each need to do. Put childish things to rest, and focus on the realities of being an adult. Only when we do the work do we reap the adult rewards.

 

Why is wanting a relationship an "adult reward?"

 

There are millions of people out there who are in a relationship and not an adult.

[rester]

Odds are I'll cut contact with her pretty soon. Even I have a point where I give up.

 

What scares me the most is that most likely later this year I'll meet a girl, become infatuated with her, and she won't like me, and so the cycle begins anew.

 

What does pretty soon mean? Give her up today. She's only holding you back. Don't let her do that. If she's not initiating she's only being nice to you because she pities you and likes the attention you give her. You're better than that, even if you don't think so. Get angry at this girl. The more you text her without her initiating, the more she loses respect for you. Of course she's going to go along with it because she's a young woman and you give her a little boost every time you contact her, all the while you get a little high from it but then in the aftermath your confidence is shaken.

 

You and you alone have the power to get her off your mind. It's a new year and it's not too late to make major changes, but you need to put your mind to it. Maybe there's a support group out there somewhere for this sort of thing. Or maybe try taking some people's advice on here and not telling them they are wrong all the time. That way you'd get more support on here and less berating.

[somedude81]

You're right. It's BS. Because that isn't why I, at least, said it.

 

I said it because you've said it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/503185-christian-girl-3.html#post6017111

 

You're the one who just brought up your degree in this thread as though that's proof of ambition, so I was directly responding to that...because you yourself have also noted that it isn't, really! So...wtf.

 

Why not just accept that you have modest goals for life and embrace that? And find someone who shares that outlook. You can't force-fit it. Path to happiness right there.

 

You are really confusing me serial muse.

 

You say that me getting my degree is not a sign of ambition and then link to a post where I say "My complete focus is on graduating and finding a job."

 

Also where have I stated that I have modest goals in life. Please tell me one of my goals that I hope to accomplish in the next five years.

[xxoo]

And how do you know I'm not doing that?

 

I just got my Business degree and right now I need entry level IT work. That pretty much amounts to getting a full-time IT job with crap pay. Once I have 1-2 years of experience the amount of money I can earn will double.

 

I will keep getting experience and moving up in the field.

 

Right now I'm just starting at the bottom.

 

 

 

Those will take time to form.

 

While I am working on that, I refuse to accept that no woman will date me because I don't have X number of friends.

 

Yes, these things take time, and you are just starting. Focus on these things, work hard, make progress, and THEN see if you fit some women's "type".

 

You can refuse to accept all you want, but if you want to be women's type, improve these things. Put your focus there and not on trying to understand why women don't want the underemployed grown man with no friends.

[CALOVELY]

You are really confusing me serial muse.

 

You say that me getting my degree is not a sign of ambition and then link to a post where I say "My complete focus is on graduating and finding a job."

 

Also where have I stated that I have modest goals in life. Please tell me one of my goals that I hope to accomplish in the next five years.

 

Why not tell us yourself. What is your five year goal objective?

[guest569]

You need to ditch the excuses and just get on with your life. I wouldn't date an unemployed man but I would date one with an entry level job, I would date a cleaner or fast food worker. If he works hard and is ambitious. A lot of us don't give a rats about a degree. Don't be under the impression that you need to be a CEO to fit women's "type"..

 

Why do you keep making excuses?? Do you really want to improve? Get serious about it.

[elaine567]

Odds are I'll cut contact with her pretty soon. Even I have a point where I give up.

 

What scares me the most is that most likely later this year I'll meet a girl, become infatuated with her, and she won't like me, and so the cycle begins anew.

 

You have to stop the infatuation, that is high school stuff. Meet the girl, ask her for a date(s).

If she is not into you, despite some serious "courting", then move on and don't look back.

Stop fantasising about stuff you can do together with a gf and sort out stuff that you can do for your self right now.

Do you have a nice apartment/house, a good car, do you go on interesting holidays, have you considered travelling?

Most people like a person who is interesting, who has life experiences, who seems to know what they want and where they are going.

YOU it seems wanted to follow the girl, as opposed have her follow you or for you to go forth together.

You appear to expect her to shore you up and women tend to want strong men, not bullies or dictators, but men that can look after themselves.

[BlueIris]

Start dating the women who are attracted to you and who show you that they are. Learn to be open-minded and open-hearted to them, allow attraction to develop because of what someone is like inside, see and experience the nature of chemistry and connection and how it can develop.

 

That is what you wish women would do for you- give you a chance, be open-minded, open their hearts to possibilities. Until you are able to do it, I don't see why anyone would do it with or for you.

Edited January 28, 2015 by BlueIris

[serial muse]

You are really confusing me serial muse.

 

You say that me getting my degree is not a sign of ambition and then link to a post where I say "My complete focus is on graduating and finding a job."

 

Also where have I stated that I have modest goals in life. Please tell me one of my goals that I hope to accomplish in the next five years.

 

Uh, that's not the only thing you said in that post I linked. Seriously? I'll post it here.

 

Right now I don't have a passion.

 

My complete focus is on graduating and finding a job. Yes I really want to have a girlfriend, but that isn't as important.

 

There are many things that I care about, but it's mostly a passing interest right now.

 

I can't think of anything that inspires me.

 

I can't tell you what goals you have because despite thousands of posts and threads on the subject of you, all you've said about your plans is that you want a girlfriend and to get an IT job. I mean, you've been asked again and again for more, what drives you, etc. -- such as in that thread about passions linked to above. But you always brush it off. So yeah, I'd say that your stated goals are pretty modest. Do you ever go back and read the stuff you've written? I think maybe you should.

 

Frankly, you're confusing me, because on the one hand you openly acknowledge you're not really excited about anything (except a girlfriend, and specifically this girl at the moment) but then you're kind of protesting that you are, because you're looking for a job now.

 

OK, well, we have different definitions of "ambitious", I guess -- but I suspect mine is going to be a lot closer to that of your potential dates. It's perfectly fine to want nothing more than a 9-to-5, an activity partner with whom to have sex, and a game console. But you're infatuated with someone you've dubbed "Busy Girl", which is Clue One. And you assume that because she's not equally infatuated with you, that must mean she's got some out-there dating preferences. Uh, no. That's not what it "must" mean.

 

Sure, she's friendly and socially adept at finding common ground with an acquaintance. But is that really all it takes? Nope. I'm just trying to point out that there are other things that people might care about. For example: It could just be that she is ambitious in a way you aren't.

 

And honestly, I think that's the sort of thing you ought to think about when you're looking for someone to date. Not just: Is she cute and stacked and does she like to play games? Match! But, where does she see herself in five years? Ten? Do we want the same things out of life?

Edited January 28, 2015 by serial muse

[pteromom]

I'm obsessed with her because I like how she looks. I really enjoy her personality and the banter we have. She loves to dance and she learns new moves very quickly. She likes several things that I do, and I can tell that if we were a couple there were be many things that we can do together. She wants to have exotic-hybrid cats

 

All of these things are cool and intriguing, but none of them are predictors of whether a relationship with her would be good or not, or whether it would last.

 

That's why it isn't healthy to believe someone is "perfect" for you based off of relatively meaningless criteria.

 

What's more important is sharing the same values and goals and being able to communicate and negotiate. Being fair and kind during disagreements. Being honest and faithful. Being in the same place and wanting the same things from the relationship. Being mature enough to put the work in. Not being crazy (which you never never know until you are actually dating someone - they hide it well!)

[xxoo]

Why is wanting a relationship an "adult reward?"

 

There are millions of people out there who are in a relationship and not an adult.

 

Women want men.

 

If you were a teen dating other teens, this would be a different situation. That ship has sailed, and dating in the grown up world requires adult qualities.