I hate getting a crush on women and becoming infatuated.

[elaine567]

Women want men.

 

If you were a teen dating other teens, this would be a different situation. That ship has sailed, and dating in the grown up world requires adult qualities.

 

Yes, like money, status and a good career.

Will you make an excellent father?

Can you provide for x number of kids?

Can you get things done, or will you just b*llsh*t your way through life?

Are you stable, kind, unselfish and generous or are you unstable, nasty, selfish and mean?

Are you interesting and fun to be around, or are you socially inept and prefer to be alone in your room with a computer screen playing games or watching porn?

 

Women if we believe some men on here, are are all about wanting good looks, but most women have their eye on long term prospects too and if the long term prospects do not stack up, then that man is often history, whatever he looks like.

[MissBee]

Please don't write me long messages that you want me to reply to if you aren't even going to respond.

 

I will remember this MissBee.

 

Somedude, I've written you several long messages and have responded to you. However, it gets to the point of beating a dead horse and me not even knowing what you're saying. I don't think I have anything else to offer except copy and pasting the same thing I've previously said. I know my limits and when I'm not getting anywhere. I don't think I can add any new and amazing insight that is different from what I've already offered and others have offered, so I truly do wish you luck in some day in the future finding a resolution to your concerns. But to beat you over the head...nope. I write longer messages to you than I do most people probably and it's disheartening when after you do that for pages and in various threads your responses are the same thing. What more to do but wish you well and hope you come to your own conclusion that you like better than my own.

Edited January 28, 2015 by MissBee

[anna121]

Only on page 8 but....It's kind of unbelievable that you can't think of any "reasonable" reasons why BG she wouldn't want to date you.

 

Srsly?

 

That you can't imagine any less-than-desirable qualities about yourself...pretty much says it all.

[TouchedByViolet]

I'm obsessed with her because I like how she looks. I really enjoy her personality and the banter we have. She loves to dance and she learns new moves very quickly. She likes several things that I do, and I can tell that if we were a couple there were be many things that we can do together. She wants to have exotic-hybrid cats

 

If your interests and personalities match yet the person is still not sexually attracted to you it's usually looks related. Imagine if you didn't like her physically but she still had all the other qualities you liked. You wouldn't be interested. That is what has happened for her. Nothing you can do about it other than improve your looks and play the numbers game. It sucks, I know.

[MidwestUSA]

Nothing you can do about it other than improve your looks and play the numbers game. It sucks, I know.

 

Agree. Get a good haircut, spiff up your wardrobe, and keep your face clean shaven. None of this walking around with a two day shadow. Smell good but not overpowering. No Axe!

 

 

Somedude, did you ever implement any of the changes to your dating profile that people recommended for you last summer? Better pics? More varied interests? Catchy text?

[somedude81]

Well I think she's giving me the fade.

 

If I don't hear back from her I'm done.

 

[Els]

If your interests and personalities match yet the person is still not sexually attracted to you it's usually looks related.

 

This is not really true. All he has said is that they have several interests in common - which is great, but certainly not the end-all-be-all of compatibility or matching personalities. It's quite evident to most of us that they are quite different people underneath it all - she is very driven and career-focused, whereas he is not. No, graduating and then applying for jobs doesn't count - that is what the vast majority of people do nowadays, whereas ambitious types typically go above and beyond that.

 

There is not necessarily anything wrong with that - lots of women are attracted to ambitious men, sure, but a more laid-back girl might not care. It just boggles me how some of you think that having similar interests automatically means that you are similar all around and that there is nothing else needed personality-wise.

 

I do agree with you that it might help him to work on his appearance anyway, though.

[clia]

Well I think she's giving me the fade.

 

If I don't hear back from her I'm done.

 

 

You should be done regardless. She told you three months ago she didn't want to date you.

[MidwestUSA]

Well I think she's giving me the fade.

 

If I don't hear back from her I'm done.

 

 

 

 

Fade from what? How does one fade from someone else's fantasy?

[MissBee]

Fade from what? How does one fade from someone else's fantasy?

 

I actually laughed aloud at this

 

Touché.

[organizedchaos]

What scares me the most is that most likely later this year I'll meet a girl, become infatuated with her, and she won't like me, and so the cycle begins anew.

 

Because you go for the wrong girls, girls out of your league, girls you have no chance with.

 

The solution? Change up the girls you go for. Adjust your expectations and your requirements because so far, as history would tell you, what you've been doing and the girls you "think" are perfect for you - do not feel the same way. So go for a different type and see what happens.

[MidwestUSA]

Whhhhaaaaat!!?? I always rock the two day shadow. Many of the women I have met said they like a guy with some facial hair.

 

It doesn't look good on everyone. My husband pulls it off. I'm being very specific.

[TouchedByViolet]

This is not really true. All he has said is that they have several interests in common - which is great, but certainly not the end-all-be-all of compatibility or matching personalities. It's quite evident to most of us that they are quite different people underneath it all - she is very driven and career-focused, whereas he is not. No, graduating and then applying for jobs doesn't count - that is what the vast majority of people do nowadays, whereas ambitious types typically go above and beyond that.

 

There is not necessarily anything wrong with that - lots of women are attracted to ambitious men, sure, but a more laid-back girl might not care. It just boggles me how some of you think that having similar interests automatically means that you are similar all around and that there is nothing else needed personality-wise.

 

I do agree with you that it might help him to work on his appearance anyway, though.

 

My personal experiences have been different. I worked hard in school, graduated quickly and have been working as a professional since the age of 21. When women learn this about me they do seem impressed but have never really seemed more likely to date, and/or sleep with me. Also, the young driven professional women I know have a large variety of guys they have relations with. They often don't go for guys who are similar to them. No particular trend.

[Els]

My personal experiences have been different. I worked hard in school, graduated quickly and have been working as a professional since the age of 21. When women learn this about me they do seem impressed but have never really seemed more likely to date, and/or sleep with me. Also, the young driven professional women I know have a large variety of guys they have relations with. They often don't go for guys who are similar to them. No particular trend.

 

I have not said that being ambitious is an instant relationship guarantee, either. All I am saying is that similar interests != compatible personalities.

[somedude81]

You should be done regardless. She told you three months ago she didn't want to date you.

 

Kicking a man when he's down....

 

And everyone else making jokes.

Edited January 29, 2015 by somedude81

[Imajerk17]

Kicking a man when he's down....

 

And everyone else making jokes.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. When everyone was telling you 3 months ago though that putting more energy into BG was a losing cause, we weren't just saying that for our health. We have been there ourselves too. When anyone chases anyone else who isn't interested it probably will not end well.

 

Chances are BG isn't blowing you off completely, she just doesn't feel the rush to get back to you. OR she feels you are too needy and so she is taking space.

 

You need to stop thinking of yourself as a victim somedude81. Especially when you keep on doing the same things over and over and get the same results.

[CALOVELY]

Kicking a man when he's down....

 

And everyone else making jokes.

 

Oh knock it off. This is of your own doing and literally everybody here keeps telling you to change your behavior/actions. The only humour I see in any of this is your steadfast belief that you are right and everybody else is wrong, despite overwhelming evidence that your way is fruitless. So I will ask you again as I did before, what are you willing to do to change your outcome or are you going to continue to think the world needs to change to suit you?

[Rejected Rosebud]

The reason why I have so much trouble accepting her words at their face value is that they don't tell me what I'm doing wrong and how I can improve myself.

 

Why do you think that she doesn't like you because you are doing something wrong? :confused:I mean who knows, maybe you are, but probably she's just not feeling you.\

[MidwestUSA]

Kicking a man when he's down....

 

And everyone else making jokes.

 

Where are the jokes?

[clia]

Kicking a man when he's down....

 

And everyone else making jokes.

 

What are you talking about?

 

She told you back in October that she didn't want to date you. That you persisted with your fantasy doesn't suddenly make me a bad guy for pointing out that it's time to move on three months later.

 

Honestly, SD, you've made no progress because you've continued to do things your way. For the past 10+ years. How has that gone for you? Not very well. From your own admission you've had one girlfriend who sadly broke up with you after six months.

 

Maybe it's time for you to start taking some of the advice that you get on this site, rather than brushing it off and ignoring it and insisting that it's wrong. I mean, pursuing some other option certainly can't be worse than where you are, right?

[somedude81]

I am sorry you are hurting. When everyone was telling you 3 months ago though that putting more energy into BG was a losing cause, we weren't just saying that for our health. We have been there ourselves too. When anyone chases anyone else who isn't interested it probably will not end well.

 

I know it was a lost cause. I just had blind hope. I wanted to believe that there was a chance. I can't really express how much I like her, so to me it was worth trying everything.

 

Chances are BG isn't blowing you off completely, she just doesn't feel the rush to get back to you. OR she feels you are too needy and so she is taking space.

 

No, I think she is blowing me off now. We used to be communicating with at least twice a day through Facebook. Then we met up (with other people). I sent her a message later that night after I got home and she didn't reply. I sent her a text about a book we had talked about around noon the next day, and she didn't reply.

 

I sent my most recent message three days later (today around 1 pm) asking when she's out of class on Monday, and again no reply.

 

I don't know why, but she is ignoring me on text and Facebook. I felt that things were great when I saw her last, but my guess is that she realized how much I like her, and this is her way of dealing with me. It's the cowards way, but that's just how it is. There is nothing I can do from now on.

 

 

You need to stop thinking of yourself as a victim somedude81. Especially when you keep on doing the same things over and over and get the same results.

 

I'm a victim when no matter what I try on who, I just don't succeed. I've always felt that life is trying to screw me over. Yes it's my fault for continuing to pursue BG. But it's not my fault that the other 10 women I went after last year were not into me.

 

It was absolutely not my fault that Sophia dumped me in 2013.

 

I hurts so much that I keep meeting girls that I really like, who feel like they would be great girlfriends, who consistently just don't want to date me. No matter what I do, or how friendly I am, or when I try to improve myself, it's just not enough.

 

The absolute point of this thread is that I'm completely terrified that I will never be able to be in a relationship with a girl I like. They will all turn me down.

Edited January 29, 2015 by somedude81

[CALOVELY]

 

 

I'm a victim when no matter what I try on who, I just don't succeed. I've always felt that life is trying to screw me over.

 

You are a victim in your mind only. Life is not trying to screw you over, you just simply refuse to see your contribution to it. Your world will change when you want it to but something tells me you prefer to Eeyore your way through it.

 

You asked about ambition earlier. Re-read what you wrote. Ambitious people do not think life exists to make them miserable. They create their own happiness, know their strengths and own their weaknesses. They do not point fingers at everybody else and behave the way you do.

 

I think you should strongly consider the cognitive behavior therapy I mentioned earlier. It is a form of treatment that focuses on examining the relationships between thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I think it could help you greatly.

[somedude81]

One thing I just realized, I really want to experience love. I've never been in love or had somebody love me. I got close with Sophia, but in the end it wasn't meant to be.

 

I really miss that amount of intimacy and companionship.

[serial muse]

Imy guess is that she realized how much I like her, and this is her way of dealing with me. It's the cowards way, but that's just how it is. There is nothing I can do from now on.

 

I don't see how it's cowardly. She tried her darndest to be just friends with you, and she was up front that she isn't interested in more. I suppose she could just cut you off altogether, as a last resort. But you're kind of boxing her into a corner.

 

My guess is that she's pointedly creating distance. Friends don't need to text each other multiple times a day. She may or may not get back in touch, but when she does, it'll be when she's decided that enough time has passed that you've received the message that this still is a friends-only deal.

 

 

The absolute point of this thread is that I'm completely terrified that I will never be able to be in a relationship with a girl I like. They will all turn me down.

 

SD, I am curious about how your therapy is going. I saw that upthread someone recommended cognitive-behavioral therapy, which is indeed helpful for people with anxiety, but it requires you to be an active participant in changing your self-defeating habits of mind. If you want to do that, it would directly address the statement you made above, about your fears. It could help. But maybe the therapy you're already doing is helping? This must be something you've raised with your therapist, right?

Edited January 29, 2015 by serial muse

[Snaggletooth]

This is getting tiring. 33 years old and I’ve barely changed from how I was in Jr. High. I’m still getting very strong crushes on girls who have no interest in me. I’ve only ever had one woman return my feelings for her and she became my first and only girlfriend. Sadly she suddenly dumped me after six months.

 

Now here I am once again with a very strong crush on a girl who has no interest in me. Very soon she’s going to completely exit my life and just like almost all the others, with only one exception my ex, I never even went on a single date with her. I’m so tired of meeting amazing girls that I feel are perfect for me, and then they all disappear.

 

Will this ever stop? I don’t know how to break out of this loop. I feel that there is something very wrong with me because the girls I like never like me back. I’m absolutely not looking forward to meeting yet another girl that I became infatuated with, and having her turn out like all the others that came before her.

 

Think less, do more. Idle hands and minds find unhealthy focus. Reality is backing thought, ambition, desire and dreams with action and achievement.

 

What have your actions and achievements been since crushing on this woman? Have you been motivated to be off arse and busy? Have you been inspired to be away from LS and pounding the streets looking for work? Have you been driven to be all you can be for her? Have you been moving mountians? Have you been shaking the world? If not, why not? If not, why should she like you back? If not, how can any dream come true?

 

Where are you going to be the next time you crush on a lass? Same place? Paralysed force? Gesture without motion? Hands idle enough for the mind to lock on, linger and run wild?