Worn out..

[Fuschia]

Hopefully I have this in the right thread...

 

So before I go on.. I am not planning on leaving.. We have four kids together and they need a dad.. so comments that I should just leave him bla bla will be a waste of time.. It wouldn't be that simple for me to just leave.. is it ever?

 

Sorry if that sounded blunt and rude.. I don't mean to be at all.. all my energy has been spent just walking around and breathing.. so my bluntness tends to flop out of my big mouth.

 

I married my Dh after three months of dating..( 18 years ago) I was pregnant and was horribly ashamed to let that out.. We both were virgins and proud of the fact we were so..

 

But not responsible with the marriage.. He was controlling and demanding, I was bitchy and lazy.. three kids in 4 years later, we got the internet into the house..

Chat rooms here we come!!! I was a lonely housewife with three kids and no friends around.. he was an unhappy husband who's wife didn't have the energy to go play anymore.. so we both talked to other idiots online..

This went on for years.. I became pregnant with #5 ( #4 was a loss that sent me into depression for years) and I decided that being a chat room professional wasn't going to raise my kids.. and that life was more than staring at a computer screen, secretly hoping one of those trolls would turn into the knight in shinning armor and whisk me away.. that I had to make the man I married into that Knight...

He never stopped chatting... found a troll online to have a one night stand.. came home and told me that he had been meeting women online and this was the first one to sleep with him.. I of coarse fliped out and became closed off.. I couldn't trust him for the longest time..

He was still meeting women online.. but swore he was only friends with them.. and never had sex..

Then he became an artist.. and started pouring money into his art hobbies.. he can't paint from a picture so he had to hire models... and he thought he could make his millions by selling nude art so he had to find ones that would be naked for him... and because he was spending countless hours alone with these women he would become attacted to them.. I would find condoms in his pockets, he would say.. it was just a thought.. I never did anything.. we would fight.. I would cry and shut down even more..

I never went and did anything with him.. I couldn't stand being around him.. I closed down even more..

I would find more evidence of cheating.. conversations on his phone, condoms in his wallet, pockets, car, studio...

Shut down even farther.. he would blame his wondering eye on the fact that I never did anything with him... so I would try and suck it up and be that good wife.. read books...acted like how a good wife should act..

Last December/January was hard... I was pretty sure he found someone, and was planning on leaving.. I never confronted him... but just watched his actions and how he acted as if I was disgusting to him.. He then was in an accident that left him unable to drive or work long hours because of the cognitive damage... so I was the one who woke up, took him to work, came home made dinner, cleaned the house,homeschooling the kids, and then turned around and went back to pick him up, every day for three months, I dealt with the insurance companies, lawyers, bills and making sure he was comfortable in his healing. countless doctor visits and therapy sessions.. I was there holding his hand.. we barely fought.. I was actually starting to like this man... I stopped looking through his phone.. he stopped locking it.. I stopped disliking going out with him.. We were doing stuff together.. and I felt like maybe for the first time in 17 years, we might make this work...

 

Then D-day on December 28th.. his dad and brother were visiting, that morning I noticed he had locked his phone.. being the curious moron that I am, I checked it..

Found his messages to this whore on how he missed cuddling with her.. and he wanted to be with her again..

 

It had been going on since before the accident and after when he could drive again..

 

I confronted him.. then the lies started... or I should say half truths... did he sleep with her? yes but just once.. ( countless times, couldn't count.. did you have oral? no... ( well yes... but I/ she never came)

the list goes on... when I ask questions he turns into a monster and acts as if I am on a witch hunt...

Am I in the wrong for asking why? how? when? am I in the wrong for wanting to see what he is talking about with the models he was trying to sleep with before? when I do end up seeing something that is less than faithful I am acting like his mother by checking up on him..

 

I honestly don't feel like caring anymore.. last night he handed me his phone to look at his latest paintings and I read a conversation with one of his "girl" frineds where I shouldn't have been jealous of one model ( because he was complaining to her, how I was jealous) and that I should be jealous of the one that came after..

When I asked who it was... it was like I just asked him if I could sew his nut sack to his big toe... maybe I was in the wrong for scrolling through his conversations? maybe I'm looking at this all wrong and it is really my fault for his actions..

Or maybe he is just a lowlife..

 

But I married him.. and right now until I can leave.. I need to figure out how to deal with this.

 

 

[Be_Strong]

This is a tough one. It's not easy to give you advise when you've taken leaving off of the table. Hopefully you haven't told your husband that leaving isn't an option, because even if you don't want to leave, your best method for getting him to change is his thinking that you are willing to leave.

[Be_Strong]

The more I think about your post, the more I realize that you know the solution to your problem is leaving. Why else would you start your post immediately asking that nobody suggest you leave? Because you already know what everyone is going to tell you.

 

It would be like if you started a post--"my hand is on the hot stove and it is burning really bad and I am in agonizing pain. What should I do? Please don't anybody tell me that I should take my hand off the stove."

[Fuschia]

I was thinking just that... Maybe I should have said.. I can't leave right now.. but until I can, how do I keep from not punch his teeth in?

Actually I feel like a failure.. for not being good enough for him to keep his pants on.. for closing myself off so he had to find someone to make him happy.. I feel even a bigger failure for wanting to leave this marriage..

[sandylee1]

Your marriage is in trouble and in time you won't have the choice of leaving, HE will leave you. There is no respect from him. He may have planned to leave before the accident.

 

He talks to other women about you and who knows what he tells them in person. Have you asked your H if he wants to stay in this marriage or are you too scared of the answer? Have you ever considered marriage counselling? Do you think it's a healthy relationship for your kids to see?

 

Until recently you didn't seem that fussed about him, so is there anything to save really?

 

I don't advocate affairs, but from what you describe you both ignored the problems and if you didn't divorce, then cheating was just a matter of time.

[Be_Strong]

I have no idea the extent to which you or your husband are responsible for your marriage problems throughout the time you've been married. Frankly it doesn't matter. It seems to me that you got married young after a very brief period dating and then proceeded to quickly have multiple kids. All of those things are classic sources of problems in a marriage. You aren't the only one to experience dark times in your marriage.

 

I'm sure both you and your husband failed each other in many ways over the years, just like a lot of spouses do. It is absolutely not helpful to beat yourself up over it now. You can't change the past and you don't want to be a slave to your past either. All you can/should do now is make sure that everything you're doing currently is the right thing for you to do.

 

Your husband's behavior seems to have been going on for so long that it is a habit and normal for him. I'm not optimistic that he can change. Having said that, you should give him a final chance. Too many guys on this forum speak of how they got blindsided by their wife who up and left them. If you lay everything on the table and give him a chance to be a good husband again and he doesn't change, he can't tell anyone he didn't see it coming and you can sleep peacefully at night knowing you did everything you could.

 

Your "talk" with your husband needs to occur in a way and in a place outside of the norm for you both so that he can tell it is very serious and won't confuse it for his wife's normal bitching/nagging. For example, take him out on a date to a nice restaurant you've never been to before. When there, explain why you've brought him there and tell him you've come to the point where you are ready to give up on the marriage but feel like you should give it one last shot. Don't put the entire need to change on just him, though. Explain that both of you need to make drastic changes and the marriage needs to be completely rebuilt. Don't ask for his intentions right then. Give him a day to think things over before he tells you whether he wants to work on the marriage.

 

Whatever you do, don't be discouraged by your husband's defensive mechanisms when you bring up uncomfortable topics with him. Stay strong through those and don't let him influence you to abandon an argument or concern you're expressing just because he reacts in a certain fashion.

[DKT3]

I was thinking just that... Maybe I should have .said.. I can't leave right now.. but until I can, how do I keep from not punch his teeth in?

Actually I feel like a failure.. for not being good enough for him to keep his pants on.. for closing myself off so he had to find someone to make him happy.. I feel even a bigger failure for wanting to leave this marriage..

 

His cheating is or never has been about you not being good enough. Its really about his poor boundaries and lack of respect for you and your marriage.

 

Wanting to leave is how you should feel, you closed off as a result of his cheating. The only thing I see that you've failed at is looking out for yourself.

[Moanin]

Since you can't leave at the moment, why don't you both agree to a "domestic partnership" type arrangement? Share the financial responsibilities, chores, and activities surrounding the kids, but little to nothing else.

 

In the meantime, start working on "you", by involving yourself in activities that make you happy. Also start planning for your future (without your husband), it will make you feel less "stuck".

[bathtub-row]

I think it's fairly simple -- the both of you should agree to live in the same house, sleep in separate bedrooms, if that's possible, and stay married in the legal sense only until the kids are all grown, off to college, whatever. When they're all gone, divorce. There will be no child support to deal with, no small children, etc. But you both have to agree to have no bf's or gf's over to the house, not snoop on each other, and keep up appearances for the kids, and for your family and friends, too.

 

Given the number of people who post on here about their sexless marriages, this will be no different except that you both give each other permission to screw around, in a quiet, non-obvious way. You basically become roommates.

 

If you're really that insistent about staying in this screwed up marriage, then the above is about the only solution that keeps the marriage together and keeps you from giving a d-mn about what he does, and vice versa.

[Fuschia]

I keep trying to find the right ways to respond with out sounding defensive or being a martyr..

I don't believe in divorce.. I don't think two wrongs make a right.. but I also know that he is setting an example to my sons how to treat their wives..

So that leaves it up to me to teach them the right way.

I have asked him if he even wants to stay married.. he says he does.. but I can't help but think it is a" have your cake and eat it too mentality"..

 

 

I have a hard time with the " looking after yourself" point... I know that it is something you should do... but I feel like it is selfish.. to make yourself happy.. that you should only live for others.. and self will be made better by doing so.. it's wrong, I know but habits are hard to break.

 

 

 

He is too much of a "man" to do marriage counseling, and if he was willing to do that.. he would be willing to except responsibility and change..

[HereNorThere]

If you had cancer and the only cure was surgery and you refused it, what would the doctor do? He'd do the only thing he could, make sure you die with the least amount of suffering possible.

 

When you refuse to even entertain the idea of possibly leaving your abuser, the only thing anyone can help you do is ease the pain until you finally flicker out.

 

You can take the surgery or the morphine, one of which you actually have a chance at survival. For your children's sake, at least put the surgery option on the table.

[BeatsByDirk]

I'm not sure what your asking for but let me give it a shot.

 

I think you are saying:

-You can't leave now

-Even if you could leave, divorce is against your morals.

-You are mostly pissed because you were honestly giving it another shot, starting to fall back in love with your husband, working very hard to get him healthy and keep his life going and in exchange he niether considered this a chance to renew the relationship as well as his continued pursuit of other opportunities in spite of your efforts to mend him.

-even if you've accepted this behavior from him you don't want to pass this situation down to your children as what a relationship should be.

-want some happiness for yourself and don't want to focus on what he's doing anymore.

 

Plain and simple starting building a life you want that doesn't include him.

New activities, new friends, new eating and exercise habits, new therapist!!!!!!

 

Build a new life and be brutally honest without being condescending or judgmental. Tell everybody what's going on shame free.

 

I would tell the kids if they are old enough(over 14) to process it that:

Your father doesn't believe that our relationship as a married couple encompasses monogamy, I would prefer that it did but I can't convince him of that. Sometimes I would like to leave but I don't know how, other days I want to stay and this conflict causes me a lot of discomfort. If you would like to know your fathers reason for why this is ok you may ask him, I believe it is wrong for (whatever you feel) reason but aim staying in this relationship as long as I can for (whatever you feel) reasons.

 

The more honest and open you can be about your situation the more you can see it for what it is and start making moves that benefit you and your children.

 

I would definitely look at the husband as a business partner only, put your expectations on paper and what you are willing to do when the expectations aren't met down on that paper as well.

 

Get detailed and methodical, diligently work yourself into a place where you are happy.

[Fuschia]

I'm not sure what your asking for but let me give it a shot.

 

I think you are saying:

-You can't leave now

-Even if you could leave, divorce is against your morals.

-You are mostly pissed because you were honestly giving it another shot, starting to fall back in love with your husband, working very hard to get him healthy and keep his life going and in exchange he niether considered this a chance to renew the relationship as well as his continued pursuit of other opportunities in spite of your efforts to mend him.

-even if you've accepted this behavior from him you don't want to pass this situation down to your children as what a relationship should be.

-want some happiness for yourself and don't want to focus on what he's doing anymore.

 

Plain and simple starting building a life you want that doesn't include him.

New activities, new friends, new eating and exercise habits, new therapist!!!!!!

 

Build a new life and be brutally honest without being condescending or judgmental. Tell everybody what's going on shame free.

 

I would tell the kids if they are old enough(over 14) to process it that:

Your father doesn't believe that our relationship as a married couple encompasses monogamy, I would prefer that it did but I can't convince him of that. Sometimes I would like to leave but I don't know how, other days I want to stay and this conflict causes me a lot of discomfort. If you would like to know your fathers reason for why this is ok you may ask him, I believe it is wrong for (whatever you feel) reason but aim staying in this relationship as long as I can for (whatever you feel) reasons.

 

The more honest and open you can be about your situation the more you can see it for what it is and start making moves that benefit you and your children.

 

I would definitely look at the husband as a business partner only, put your expectations on paper and what you are willing to do when the expectations aren't met down on that paper as well.

 

Get detailed and methodical, diligently work yourself into a place where you are happy.

 

Thank you. .. you hit the nail right on the head.

[whichwayisup]

How is your husband a 'family man'? A loving, kind, husband? A roll model to your children? He is rude, disrespectful, a liar, a cheater and scummy.

 

I know you can't leave right now, but start making plans. Do what you can to get support through family and good friends, exclude him from your life since that's what he's doing to you.

 

How old are your kids? They must see how 'daddy' is, not really present and in the moment.

 

Understand the dynamic and what your kids see, the energy in your house. How you and your husband relate to one another. Your kids pick up on that so be aware that they may know more about what is going on than you realize.

 

Is your household an overall happy one? Or is there stress and bad energy because of your husband?

[harrybrown]

Too much of a man to do MC?

 

How about too much of a man to cheat?

 

He opened up the marriage. Has he been tested for stds? You do not want him to bring that home. Did he use condums all the time?

 

Have you asked him how he would feel if you had an A?

 

I am sorry for your situation and your family. You should start the 180 for yourself. No more driving him, have him get the OW to drive him around.

 

Have you exposed his A to his family and the OW's families?

 

If you had a consultation with an attorney, you could show your H how much he would pay in child support, alimony and how much he would lose in the property settlement.

 

I hope he wakes up and realizes what he is losing.

[Mal78]

I was thinking just that... Maybe I should have said.. I can't leave right now.. but until I can, how do I keep from not punch his teeth in?

Actually I feel like a failure.. for not being good enough for him to keep his pants on.. for closing myself off so he had to find someone to make him happy.. I feel even a bigger failure for wanting to leave this marriage..

 

My sweet women, I am so sorry you are going through this agony.

 

I wish I had the words to help you understand or heal but I don't. This is not a journey you need to endure alone. Seek help/IC/guidance. You deserve much more than this, your children deserves much more than this. You are only a shell of a person, mother. This is NOT doing them or yourselves any favors.

 

I too got pregnant and married young. I too had 5 children. My H too cheated and fell out of love for me. I too feel my children need a father and I "did" feel like a "mommy martyr" and somehow I must endure all this pain and suffering for their sake. I was out of control, however maintained the image that somehow I was very much in control and was to be admired for it. STOP THAT!

 

I put me first... finally! I saw a doctor, went to IC, got a trainer and go tanning (I have a skin issue that tanning helps). I feel sexy, I know I'm hot and gosh darn it I have 5 kids.

 

My H notices me. My intention was the opposite. I was doing this for "me" however my confidence and energy turned into "us".

 

I don't expect this to be totally the same for you. However when you feel better you do better emotionally and mentally. You think clearer and more rationally. There are rewards and you deserve them!!

 

I hope you find peace.

[Fuschia]

Yes tested.. and he claims he used protection. .. as for if the shoe was on the other foot... he states that he wouldn't act like I am... he would be doing everything to make me live him again..in the past I have "exposed" his infidelity to family and our pastor. .. actually made things worse.. and yes I do know that if he can keep his transgressions hidden. . He can continue on his path...

The more I spew here online... the more and more I feel stupid for putting up with so much.

And to think I just wanted some sort of validation that I was doing the right thing staying.

[bathtub-row]

While you're busy doing the "right" thing, you're teaching your children that they have no options. And, the truth is, you're only saying all this nonsense about marriage because you don't want to deal with leaving this jerk - probably because you don't believe you can attract a better man (it's all about options and, for whatever reason, you don't believe you have any). If you were that devoted to the whole concept of marriage, you wouldn't have cheated as much as you did in the past. You both have cheated extensively and your marriage is a complete joke.

 

The good news is that you don't have to worry if he's going to cheat because you already know full well that he is. So, no suspense and no surprises in that department. And DO NOT involve your kids in this mess. That is an extremely bad idea. The whole point of staying together is to spare your kids, right? Trashing their father is just a bad idea all the way around, whether you stay married or end up divorcing. Let the kids decide who their dad is without you interjecting your opinions.

 

If you plan to stay in the marriage, I think you should just accept it for what it is and go find other things to do besides focusing on a guy who has to have nude women around him so that he can paint and screw them. That, btw, is the lamest excuse I've ever heard in my life.

[loveboid]

I think you have to handle your toxic shame of pre-marital sex and pregnancy that started this whole messy marriage.

 

I would find a counselor and talk it out. It would probably help you feel that there's nothing wrong with you and that you deserve happiness.

Edited January 28, 2015 by loveboid
clarity

[GoBlue]

I am sorry for your circumstances. No one should have to endure this kind of behavior - especially within a marriage. I highly recommend a book titled Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. I believe it would be a tremendous help to you. It's filled with very specific and helpful advice. In the meantime, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.