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[superfast]

Hello everyone, been reading the forums for a while and decided to join. I have some questions regarding my marriage, and the thought of possible divorce but wasn't sure if this is the right area?

 

Anyway, I'm about to hit 40, and contemplating divorce, in a nutshell, I'm hoping to speak with people who have gone through a similar situation. We don't have any kids thankfully, just dog and a cat.

 

Look forward to speaking with you all

[Levite]

Hello everyone, been reading the forums for a while and decided to join. I have some questions regarding my marriage, and the thought of possible divorce but wasn't sure if this is the right area?

 

Anyway, I'm about to hit 40, and contemplating divorce, in a nutshell, I'm hoping to speak with people who have gone through a similar situation. We don't have any kids thankfully, just dog and a cat.

 

Look forward to speaking with you all

 

Try to save your marriage. Unless there is abuse or infidelity, do everything within your power to make it work.

[superfast]

Try to save your marriage. Unless there is abuse or infidelity, do everything within your power to make it work.

 

Thanks for responding.

 

Why do you say that? I understand why that seems like the best thing, and actually I would like to, but I just am not happy and neither is she. At what point does one decide enough is enough? I always hear both bad stories about regretting divorce, and also good stories about finding love again. Im at the point where I just don't know anymore. I love her, but I'm not sure its enough

[Levite]

Thanks for responding.

 

Why do you say that? I understand why that seems like the best thing, and actually I would like to, but I just am not happy and neither is she. At what point does one decide enough is enough? I always hear both bad stories about regretting divorce, and also good stories about finding love again. Im at the point where I just don't know anymore. I love her, but I'm not sure its enough

 

No person can bring you happiness. That's your own responsibility. Yet you and your wife obviously got together for a reason. Don't throw it away except for abuse or infidelity.

[elaine567]

What are you and your wife unhappy about?

[amaysngrace]

Are you having a mid-life crisis?

[superfast]

she went cold about 5 years ago, as in cold! No intimacy, no nothing. Its just become like 2 friends who aren't really friendly. We fight like normal, theres no abuse either physical or mental, it's just kinda nothing. I have my suspicions she may be going through a mid-life crisis, but I'm not sure. She works like crazy, always at the office, working at home, when she does have free time she spends it a lot with her friends, one in particular whom I think is a kind of emotional outlet for her although, this friend of hers is considerably younger and totally neurotic which gives me cause for concern. It's not that I want to leave, but, I just find myself constantly questioning what the hell I'm still hanging on to

[amaysngrace]

Did she want children? Is that why she turned cold because she is sad she never had any?

 

Do you ever talk to her about the good times you guys use to share when you were younger or tell her that you miss the intimacy you once had?

[Movingforward2]

Try to save your marriage. Unless there is abuse or infidelity, do everything within your power to make it work.

 

Agree with this assessment. It's not better on the other side.....Ask her on a date. Tell her to put on a dress and look hot. Make her feel appreciated. It is sometimes the simple things, and neither of you have probably made any effort over the last couple of years. Life gets in the way for everyone, but some effort into it. Get into some counseling......individual and couples.

 

If you feel like there is "something more" - you might be going through the mid-life crisis.

[elaine567]

she went cold about 5 years ago, as in cold! No intimacy, no nothing. Its just become like 2 friends who aren't really friendly. We fight like normal, theres no abuse either physical or mental, it's just kinda nothing. I have my suspicions she may be going through a mid-life crisis, but I'm not sure. She works like crazy, always at the office, working at home, when she does have free time she spends it a lot with her friends, one in particular whom I think is a kind of emotional outlet for her although, this friend of hers is considerably younger and totally neurotic which gives me cause for concern. It's not that I want to leave, but, I just find myself constantly questioning what the hell I'm still hanging on to

 

OK but what happened 5 years ago? Why did she go cold then?

You must have some idea.

[beach]

Have you two ever done marriage counseling? It sounds like you both have a lot to discuss. Put it out on the table and see if the issues are things you can change/work on.

 

Talking openly about expectations and if you're both willing to compromise to save the marriage may be helpful.

[superfast]

Agree with this assessment. It's not better on the other side.....Ask her on a date. Tell her to put on a dress and look hot. Make her feel appreciated. It is sometimes the simple things, and neither of you have probably made any effort over the last couple of years. Life gets in the way for everyone, but some effort into it. Get into some counseling......individual and couples.

 

If you feel like there is "something more" - you might be going through the mid-life crisis.

 

She's not really interested in counseling as far as I can tell, I make an effort all the time, I do simple things, I surprise her, I send her flowers, I do it all. I'm not looking for something more per say, but Im not one to settle for mediocre either

[superfast]

Did she want children? Is that why she turned cold because she is sad she never had any?

 

Do you ever talk to her about the good times you guys use to share when you were younger or tell her that you miss the intimacy you once had?

 

She never wanted kids, me either really. We've talked about things a lot in the past, at least I've brought it up, but at some point I realized that she just isn't ever in the mood to discuss things and so now I don't really bring it up

[superfast]

OK but what happened 5 years ago? Why did she go cold then?

You must have some idea.

 

Theres probably several reasons I can think of that wade her go cold, not one thing in particular, but I've tried every way I can think of to reverse it and she just doesn't respond

[superfast]

No person can bring you happiness. That's your own responsibility. Yet you and your wife obviously got together for a reason. Don't throw it away except for abuse or infidelity.

 

So then how do you know if it's not salvageable? Im pretty happy as a person, just not in this relationship.

[amaysngrace]

She never wanted kids, me either really. We've talked about things a lot in the past, at least I've brought it up, but at some point I realized that she just isn't ever in the mood to discuss things and so now I don't really bring it up

 

Maybe you should try again. Go through your wedding album or something together and if she gets distant tell her you really hate it when she goes cold.

 

You need communication in your marriage and it's not going to happen if you both keep being passive.

[Ralph79]

Few questions I wanted to ask because your OP was a little vague.

 

How long have you been married for?

Why do you think she doesn't want kids? (The reason)

Why don't you want kids?

Have you openly discussed divorce before?

Are the in-laws ever a cause of conflict?

Are friends (besides the neurotic one) an issue for either of you?

What do you want out of this marriage?

What does she want out of this marriage (ask her).?

What makes you happy when you are alone? (You said you're a happy person)

Is your relationship preventing you from doing things that make you happy?

Have you thought of all the consequences of divorce? [Emotional & Financial]

 

Because it seems you pretty much gave up on this marriage. She may or may not be at fault. But I don't detect a sense of urgency on your part in trying to fix this. I know I don't need to tell you Divorce shouldn't be the first option, but there's so much you need to give HER the opportunity to fix before you jump ship.

 

"She's not really interested in counseling as far as I can tell"

That's assuming. Give her a chance. Tell her it's important. Unless you don't think it's important in which case, we're off on the wrong foot giving you bad advice.

[superfast]

Few questions I wanted to ask because your OP was a little vague.

 

How long have you been married for?

Why do you think she doesn't want kids? (The reason)

Why don't you want kids?

Have you openly discussed divorce before?

Are the in-laws ever a cause of conflict?

Are friends (besides the neurotic one) an issue for either of you?

What do you want out of this marriage?

What does she want out of this marriage (ask her).?

What makes you happy when you are alone? (You said you're a happy person)

Is your relationship preventing you from doing things that make you happy?

Have you thought of all the consequences of divorce? [Emotional & Financial]

 

Because it seems you pretty much gave up on this marriage. She may or may not be at fault. But I don't detect a sense of urgency on your part in trying to fix this. I know I don't need to tell you Divorce shouldn't be the first option, but there's so much you need to give HER the opportunity to fix before you jump ship.

 

"She's not really interested in counseling as far as I can tell"

That's assuming. Give her a chance. Tell her it's important. Unless you don't think it's important in which case, we're off on the wrong foot giving you bad advice.

 

 

Good questions, so I'll answer them all.

 

Married 10 years.

We both never felt really maternal I guess, it just wasn't important for us.

Have discussed divorce a little, mostly during bad times.

In laws are fine, on both sides.

Friends are never an issue.

I want the marriage to work on all parts, a life partner like what we thought we would be.

I haven't asked what she wants out of the marriage.

When I'm alone I like working on my car, playing music, fixing things, mechanical type of stuff.

relationship does't really stop me from doing things, quite the opposite in fact.

I'm trying to way up the consequences of staying or leaving.

 

Ive given her a chance with counseling, she thinks it's less important on the list of things to do, behind, Her career, my career, building finances.

 

I'm in therapy at the moment trying to work this out. She knew I was looking for a therapist about the marriage, and when I said that I found a therapist for marriage counseling, she replied."maybe I could come with you one time" To which I thought, yes, that's kind of the idea.

 

I can see how it may seem like I'm just tying to get out, but believe me it's not the case, I want to fix the marriage, but as time goes on I have to weigh my options, and i am doing so logically.

 

Let me express again to anyone reading, I am not trying to jump ship or find a new younger model. Ive never been in this situation before and am obviously questioning what the hell is going on and what I should be doing. I hope that some of you can help me out and I am thankful that you are all helping and replying,

[amaysngrace]

So you're in marriage counseling alone? What is that suppose to help exactly?

 

Meh...seems like you're sitting there telling the counselor all the things you should be talking to your wife about. What a business!

 

Anyway you need to talk to your wife and too bad if it's not the right time for her. If she tries to blow it off then remind her it's your marriage and it should be as important as anything.

 

Try to avoid words like "you" and instead say "I" otherwise you may put her on the defensive.

 

But you need to start the conversation. Don't pay a therapist....talk to your wife instead.

[Ralph79]

I'm sorry if I came off a bit judgmental. That is why I asked these questions. You hadn't told us you had been going to counseling already. That's good.

 

Also a lot of people will be projecting based on assumptions. So the more info you can give us, the better advice you will get.

 

For my part I don't want to convince you to stay in a marriage that might be dysfunctional if your partner isn't willing to work things out. And I wouldn't advice anyone to rush into a divorce until all other options are exhausted.

 

Be more assertive when asking her to come with you to see the counselor. It's important. Your marriage is at stake here, and she needs to have input and feedback on what's going on when so much is up in the air.

 

A few more questions..

 

What's her reaction when you talk about Divorce?

How do you feel about kids today? You still don't want any?

You are both faithful, successful, and apparently like-minded. It's been 10 years. After 5 she went cold. You guys fell into a routine of daily life perhaps. Maybe you both have grown as individuals and feel you need more out of life, let alone the relationship. Perhaps is time you had a serious talk and as partners tackle this issue together.

 

Maybe either you or she needs a more challenging job, or a business of your own, or ... a baby. *Note: Do NOT have a baby just for the sake of filling a void. But ask yourself if a child with the woman you love won't change your perspective in life. Change the way you see her?

[amaysngrace]

Please don't make a baby be the band-aid to save a troubled marriage. Please just don't.

[superfast]

I'm sorry if I came off a bit judgmental. That is why I asked these questions. You hadn't told us you had been going to counseling already. That's good.

 

Also a lot of people will be projecting based on assumptions. So the more info you can give us, the better advice you will get.

 

For my part I don't want to convince you to stay in a marriage that might be dysfunctional if your partner isn't willing to work things out. And I wouldn't advice anyone to rush into a divorce until all other options are exhausted.

 

Be more assertive when asking her to come with you to see the counselor. It's important. Your marriage is at stake here, and she needs to have input and feedback on what's going on when so much is up in the air.

 

A few more questions..

 

What's her reaction when you talk about Divorce?

How do you feel about kids today? You still don't want any?

You are both faithful, successful, and apparently like-minded. It's been 10 years. After 5 she went cold. You guys fell into a routine of daily life perhaps. Maybe you both have grown as individuals and feel you need more out of life, let alone the relationship. Perhaps is time you had a serious talk and as partners tackle this issue together.

 

Maybe either you or she needs a more challenging job, or a business of your own, or ... a baby. *Note: Do NOT have a baby just for the sake of filling a void. But ask yourself if a child with the woman you love won't change your perspective in life. Change the way you see her?

 

No, I didn't think for a minute you were being judgmental, I appreciate the questions. This has been a long arduous road, I've done everything I can think, I've racked my brains for ways to turn it around, but at this point, I'm mostly curious from people who have been through a hopefully similar situation as mine that may be able to share some insight. I understand that for some, the vows of marriage are the be all and end all, and when I took them I believed that too, but having said that, I don't want to get to 50, 60 , 70 and and be questioning the same things I am now.

[superfast]

So you're in marriage counseling alone? What is that suppose to help exactly?

 

Meh...seems like you're sitting there telling the counselor all the things you should be talking to your wife about. What a business!

 

Anyway you need to talk to your wife and too bad if it's not the right time for her. If she tries to blow it off then remind her it's your marriage and it should be as important as anything.

 

Try to avoid words like "you" and instead say "I" otherwise you may put her on the defensive.

 

But you need to start the conversation. Don't pay a therapist....talk to your wife instead.

 

 

I think you misunderstood me, I had found a therapist whom I visited, I liked her and thought it would be a good fit, then I told my wife I'd found a therapist for us. Its hard to talk to someone about problems when they just never are in the right frame of mind.

[trippi1432]

To me, it sounds like you have lost the "connection" outside of your jobs and hobbies....what did do over five years ago that made it better? What did she do??

[amaysngrace]

Its hard to talk to someone about problems when they just never are in the right frame of mind.

 

Then you stress how important it is that you talk. If she's not willing to so be it but you can't give up that easily. Ask her the next day and then the day after that.

 

You really shouldn't walk away until you know you've done your best and fought the good fight.

 

You sound complacent and accommodating to her needs only but you have needs that should be met as well.

 

A receptive warm wife is one of them.

 

But she isn't a mindreader. She won't know exactly what your needs are unless you express them to her.