Her dead husband's best friend is staying with her...

[Musicguy201]

They say dating a widow is best because she never bailed on a relationship, right? Well, there's a downside, too...

 

I've been dating my girlfriend, the widow, for about 3 months now. She is a wonderful woman who has never yet given me reason to doubt her sincerity. Her husband, who passed away 4 years ago, had a best friend that she is friends with as well, going back to teenage years. Being a single guy, he came visiting from out of state and is staying at my girlfriend's house for several days. She has said she can't see me while he's here, and I won't be meeting him, due to time constraints.

 

I'm having trouble with this single guy staying at my single girlfriend's house, old family friend or no. The fact that she won't see me while he's here or introduce us just adds fuel to my fire. I'm into night one of his stay and she hasn't contacted me at all. We usually talk daily.

 

Is this as obvious as it seems to me?

[No Limit]

Is this as obvious as it seems to me?

 

In my opinion, yeah. On the other hand, did you two just date, or did you already talk about exclusivity? Either way, there's this buddy in the picture and I doubt her emotional availability. Who knows, with a friendship so strong she can't have other men nearby when he's around there's a good chance she'd been cheating on her dead husband with him too.

 

Sounds very fishy to me, to say the least.

[Keke1]

You can't see her while he's in town? WTF? Just tell me you aren't going to let this slide.

[smackie9]

It's inapproriate and over stepping relationship boundaries. My guess is that she owes you nothing because you only have been dating for 3 months, BUT there are expectations she is just ignoring. If it were me, I would just promptly end the relationship, even if there was nothing going on, she just plain lacks any kind of respect for you and the relationship. It just goes to show you, she holds no value in your relationship. It's not even worth fighting about, her actions already speak volumes.

[Try]

I'm having trouble with this single guy staying at my single girlfriend's house, old family friend or no. The fact that she won't see me while he's here or introduce us just adds fuel to my fire. I'm into night one of his stay and she hasn't contacted me at all. We usually talk daily.

 

Is this as obvious as it seems to me?

With him staying over, it is hard enough to trust the situation. With her refusing to introduce you to him, or to even see you, it is as obvious as it seems. The fact that she has not contacted you so far, shows that she does respect you or care much about your feelings. I have to ask, have you both discussed and agreed to be in an exclusive relationship? If you are, then it is time to end it. If not, then you need to date someone else too, especially while this other guy is staying with her.

[Timshel]

I am a widow. It seems this is not a widow issue so much a personality one.

Nope, makes zero sense that you would be NC while this guy is here........unless, from a widow's perspective, she thinks that by this friend knowing that she is dating you, she is afraid it will look like a betrayal to her late husband. Sorry for the run-on sentence. Yep, this could be weird for her. Some people think widow's should never move on, be true to the end. Are you the first relationship she's had since his passing?

You two need to talk about this.

[kendahke]

They say dating a widow is best because she never bailed on a relationship, right? Well, there's a downside, too...

 

I've been dating my girlfriend, the widow, for about 3 months now. She is a wonderful woman who has never yet given me reason to doubt her sincerity. Her husband, who passed away 4 years ago, had a best friend that she is friends with as well, going back to teenage years. Being a single guy, he came visiting from out of state and is staying at my girlfriend's house for several days. She has said she can't see me while he's here, and I won't be meeting him, due to time constraints.

 

I'm having trouble with this single guy staying at my single girlfriend's house, old family friend or no. The fact that she won't see me while he's here or introduce us just adds fuel to my fire. I'm into night one of his stay and she hasn't contacted me at all. We usually talk daily.

 

Is this as obvious as it seems to me?

 

I could understand if her husband had just died and he was there to help her through the whole funeral thing. But 4 years hence? No, that doesn't seem right.

 

Are you two committed and exclusive with one another? Does she consider herself to be your girlfriend--committed and exclusive to you? Are you having sex with her?

 

Was he present throughout the funeral? How often does he make these flying visits? The whole not seeing you or introducing you while he's here is rather suspect.

 

Well, if you want to continue in your relationship with her, looks like you're going to have to sit tight and wait out these days while he's in town and then resume things once she calls when the coast is clear. I would think that at the 3 month mark, she understands that you two are a couple and as such, that you would be introduced to anyone from her past.

 

You could send a bouquet of flowers to her door with a love note of the gods attached--that would force the situation in some respects...

 

Sure, you could show up unannounced at her front door. That will be a certain sign that you're done with this.

 

If this treatment is more than you can stomach, might be a good idea to cut her loose now. She doesn't appear to be in a space to make you an integral part of her life if she's hiding her relationship with you from people from her past. Yeah, some people have issues with widow(er)s moving forward, but it's not the widow(er)s problem to deal with--it's their problem to deal with. She should not be living her life to please any man other than the one with whom she's in a committed and exclusive relationship

Edited January 27, 2015 by kendahke

[BlueIris]

Like Try and kendahke, I'm wondering what the status of your relationship is and whether you two have made an agreement to be exclusive and in a committed long term relationship, whether you two discuss marriage, living together, future plans, etc. and whether you've made decisions and agreements about your future. Do you two say "I love you" and have you met each other's families?

 

To me, 3 months is VERY new and even with an exclusivity agreement I'd consider it too early to be including a 3-month BF into special and rare visits from a old dear friend. That time is too precious, since it's only "several days." Maybe if it were a week or more.

 

That said, I'd certainly take his calls or return them if he called, but I'd be brief.

 

So, no, "it" isn't obvious to me. What is "it"? That she's having sex with him? If that's the case, I'd be skeptical of a 3-month BF who was upset about the visit, the time apart and assumed I have sex with my lifetime friends.

[Diezel]

I smell huge red flag. If she wanted to clarify WHY she can't see you, she would have. It doesn't seem to be that way.

 

I'm sure if you told her a similar circumstance, you'd have hell to pay.

 

Something's not right in this situation.

[Standard-Fare]

I'm having trouble with this single guy staying at my single girlfriend's house, old family friend or no. The fact that she won't see me while he's here or introduce us just adds fuel to my fire. I'm into night one of his stay and she hasn't contacted me at all. We usually talk daily.

 

Check out the way you phrased that above: "my single girlfriend." Maybe that's just an error but it suggests that your GF might be portraying herself as still single with this old friend. Is that what you believe?

 

Widow or not, I don't think it's cool for her to host a single guy at her house for several days while deliberately keeping you at a distance. (It's the latter part of that sentence that makes this shady.) You're justified in feeling upset and insecure about this.

 

You should call her out on this. Don't let her play the widow card and use that as her excuse. My advice would be to wait til this guy's gone, though; otherwise you'll be stirring up more drama than you need to.

[kendahke]

I'm left wondering if OP has ever had a prior conversation with this woman about this friend and what has been her description of their friendship, since she's known him for so long. Is this the first time this has happened while OP's known her; is this the first time he's stayed with her since the funeral. Apparently, there is enough tension between them for OP to feel threatened by this man's presence in this woman's life and house.

[Chi townD]

If she said that she can't see you, she better have come up with a better explanation as to why rather than tell you nothing at all.

 

 

You need to really consider this. You've only been with her 3 months. If you're going to bail out, the time should be done quickly here before you get anymore emotionally involved with this girl.

[smackie9]

I question their exclusivetivity as well. Like a lot of people, they just "assume" they are exclusive without actually communicating it.

 

 

OP was there any kind of discussion? Did you even say that you didn't approve of the situation and how it would possibly end your relationship?

[Spectre]

This is a no brainer. You are calling her your girlfriend, so..that means her doing this is wrong. Having some dude stay over, and then saying you can't even come over? It's weird. Even if she does nothing with him I would drop her, it seems like too much drama.

 

Regardless over whether or not you had a specific talk about being exclusive..this just doesn't jive at all. You've been together 3 months..she shouldn't have some dude staying at her places for several days, and then telling you to not come around during that time.

 

Just dump her and move on, the drama that comes with this one probably won't be worth it.

[lolablue17]

If I care about someone, It doesn't matter if I know her for 10 years or 10 days, I will consider her feelings very much. And if she feels hurt because of something, what ever it is, I would never ignore it. unless I don't really care about her.

 

Do your math...

[Winterina]

I do not see this as a deal breaker. "The worlds are colliding"...

She is trying to preserve the memory of her husband somewhere else. And his friend is a part of that memory, surely she did not and does not intend to be such a ***** to sleep with her dead husband's friend. She just want that part of her life separate from you, her future someone...maybe... and you have been only 3 month together so give her some time to open up and next time he comes to town she might feel more stable with you and ready to start introducing you to people connected to her ex. I understand her in a way. I understand you too freaking out over this, but if you trust her then tell her what you feel and see what she says. No point of posting on LS if you have not talked to her yet, because it is easy for people here to dismiss any relationship and tell everyone they should break it off. We do not know the real story, talk to her.

[kendahke]

 

Regardless over whether or not you had a specific talk about being exclusive..this just doesn't jive at all. You've been together 3 months..she shouldn't have some dude staying at her places for several days, and then telling you to not come around during that time.

 

That's her house, not OP's house. She can have whoever she wants in her house.

 

It sounds to me as if she's not as invested in this relationship as OP is or OP thinks she is. I'll bet dollars to donuts that this isn't the first time this kind of a disconnect has gone down. The minute she told me not to contact her, I would have told her that I was done with this and I wouldn't be waiting around. A woman who is into you doesn't act like this.

 

She's the Merry Widow, I suppose... kind of reminds me of that scene from Dangerous Liaisons when Glen Close's character read John Malcovich's character the riot act about staking claims on her.

[Try]

I do not see this as a deal breaker. "The worlds are colliding"...

She is trying to preserve the memory of her husband somewhere else. And his friend is a part of that memory, surely she did not and does not intend to be such a ***** to sleep with her dead husband's friend. She just want that part of her life separate from you, her future someone...maybe... and you have been only 3 month together so give her some time to open up and next time he comes to town she might feel more stable with you and ready to start introducing you to people connected to her ex. I understand her in a way. I understand you too freaking out over this, but if you trust her then tell her what you feel and see what she says. No point of posting on LS if you have not talked to her yet, because it is easy for people here to dismiss any relationship and tell everyone they should break it off. We do not know the real story, talk to her.

Sorry, but 4 years after her being a widow does not give her the right to tell the OP that she will be having this other man (OM) that the OP does not know sleeping over at her home, that she does not want to introduce him to this OM because she does not want the OM to know that the OP even exists in her life, and that while the OM is staying with her she will not be seeing the OP because she wants to focus all of her available time and energy on the OM. If he still has to walk on egg shells in memory of her dead husband 4 years after her husband's death, then she is not ready to be in a committed relationship with the OP. Even if you believe that she does not have something romantically going on with this OM (emotional or physical), her actions here show that she is not good relationship material for the OP, as the OP will have a hard time measuring up to the memory of the dead husband. The girlfriend's issue moving on, does not wipe out the right of the OP to find someone in his life that is ready to makes him her priory. The OP's happiness should not take a back seat to the memory of the dead husband.

[smackie9]

I agree I don't think she is invested as the OP thinks. I also agree there probably hasn't been any real discussion about this incident, boundaries, expectations or relationship status.

 

I know that the majority of people who start threads here are afraid to communicate or there wouldn't be a need to post about it.

[elaine567]

There will be lots of reminisicing, lots of grief, lots of shared memories.

I don't think they need anyone else to intrude.

 

Whether the "best friend" holds a candle for the widow or not, nothing has happened in 4 years has it?

I just don't think it is appropriate for the "I've been dating her for three months" man to gatecrash that party.

She may take that opportunity to tell the "best friend" she is dating, maybe she will, maybe she won't, but I do not think it is the OPs place to demand anything of her at this stage.

He needs to talk about it to her, yes but, demanding answers and accusing will get him nowhere fast.

This is a relationship that predates him for years, her loyalty will most likely be to her dead husband and his friend, if the OP decides to test it.

[smackie9]

Her hosting an old friend is well within her right, and not to introduce them is acceptable BUT to say there will be zero contact of any kind for the whole duration of his stay is suspect and not very fair.

[amaysngrace]

Whether the "best friend" holds a candle for the widow or not, nothing has happened in 4 years has it?

 

^^^this a million times.

 

Don't listen to people who were cheated on and allow their input to feed your own neurosis.

 

Chill out, give it time, let her be right now and respect her wishes to have alone time with him. Nothing you do will make her change her mind if she wants to start up a romantic relationship with him anyway.

[Try]

I just don't think it is appropriate for the "I've been dating her for three months" man to gatecrash that party.

She may take that opportunity to tell the "best friend" she is dating, maybe she will, maybe she won't, but I do not think it is the OPs place to demand anything of her at this stage.

This is not about gate crashing. This is about if she is not ready to take on a real relationship with the OP, then the OP needs to accept this and move on. If 4 years after the husbands death she is not ready, how many more years before she is? I just don't think it is "appropriate for the "I've been dating her for three months" man" to wait it out, with so little time invested. She has a right to do what is best for her, and he has a right to do what is best for him. This "you need to be a martyr that sacrifices your happiness for the happiness of everyone else" (even for people you have known for only 3 months) mentality that some on this site advocate just does not make sense. You should be willing to make sacrifices for family and long term friends, but not at the beginning of a new romantic relationship. Edited January 28, 2015 by Try

[kendahke]

Sorry, but 4 years after her being a widow does not give her the right

 

this has nothing to do with rights.

 

3 months of dating with no mention of exclusivity or commitment in any post by OP says that she is proceeding the way in which she has decided is best at this point in her life. OP can either accept it or bounce, but it sure has nothing to do with what she does or doesn't have a right to do in her own house.

[kendahke]

If 4 years after the husbands death she is not ready, how many more years before she is?

 

as many as she needs. It's no one's place to tell someone else how fast they should get over the death of their spouse. That is the height of selfishness. She gets over it on her time clock, at no one else's convenience. OP can leave the relationship if he doesn't like it.