Her dead husband's best friend is staying with her...

[elaine567]

Why would he sabotage a budding relationship, by being so territorial, dogmatic and petty.

 

Nothing here says that this woman hasn't moved on, and nothing says that she cannot see an old friend of her dead husband for a few days to catch up either.

 

This is a relationship of a few weeks, it may or may not go anywhere, why does she need to justify seeing an old friend to the OP and in the circumstances why would he want to be involved.

 

He didn't know the dead husband. So what is he going to bring to the party apart from awkward moments and embarrassing silences.

If the OP had been dating her for a year and 3 months, I would be far more concerned.

[BlueIris]

It would be great if OP returned to give more facts and to clarify what little he did say.

 

I still don’t even know what was “obvious” to him (“Is this as obvious as it seems to me?”) because I saw nothing obvious and we still don’t know if he and the woman have even discussed being exclusive. I’ve known people to call someone their boyfriend or girlfriend and the other person doesn’t even know.

 

He didn’t say whether his schedule was part of the “time constraints” (“She has said she can't see me while he's here, and I won't be meeting him, due to time constraints.”) or what their plans are- maybe visiting with family or mutual friends? A road trip? He’s only there for 3 days and two nights? Who knows?

 

Not enough facts, that’s for sure.

[insert_name]

Why would he sabotage a budding relationship, by being so territorial, dogmatic and petty.

 

Nothing here says that this woman hasn't moved on, and nothing says that she cannot see an old friend of her dead husband for a few days to catch up either.

 

This is a relationship of a few weeks, it may or may not go anywhere, why does she need to justify seeing an old friend to the OP and in the circumstances why would he want to be involved.

 

He didn't know the dead husband. So what is he going to bring to the party apart from awkward moments and embarrassing silences.

If the OP had been dating her for a year and 3 months, I would be far more concerned.

 

I think that is sugar coating it a bit.

 

If the person you think you are in a relationship with invites a friend of the opposite sex to stay round their house for a week while at the same time they go NC with you - you would still be really understanding about allowing them space? I have a hard time believing anyone who is giving the OP advice about chilling out would not be deeply concerned about such a situation occurring.

 

There is no point in the OP getting mad about it, but he would be foolish to stick around especially as its only 3 months or so. She has every right to see this person, but there is a way of handling it with class and respect to the boyfriend that reassures him thst he is still her focus...and she isnt doing it that way.

 

I suspect she probably thinks she is still single and has to answer to no-oone. OP is best just slipping away during the NC as when she comes back she will undoubtedly do so with a 'dear John' in her hand telling him to hit the road.

[Spectre]

That's her house, not OP's house. She can have whoever she wants in her house.

 

It sounds to me as if she's not as invested in this relationship as OP is or OP thinks she is. I'll bet dollars to donuts that this isn't the first time this kind of a disconnect has gone down. The minute she told me not to contact her, I would have told her that I was done with this and I wouldn't be waiting around. A woman who is into you doesn't act like this.

 

She's the Merry Widow, I suppose... kind of reminds me of that scene from Dangerous Liaisons when Glen Close's character read John Malcovich's character the riot act about staking claims on her.

 

I never said it wasn't her house, what I am saying is...the writing is on the wall here. She doesn't want him around..

[Try]

She gets over it on her time clock, at no one else's convenience. OP can leave the relationship if he doesn't like it.

I agree. Which is why, since she is still not "over it", I recommended that he leave the relationship.

[Try]

It sounds to me as if she's not as invested in this relationship as OP is or OP thinks she is. I'll bet dollars to donuts that this isn't the first time this kind of a disconnect has gone down. The minute she told me not to contact her, I would have told her that I was done with this and I wouldn't be waiting around. A woman who is into you doesn't act like this.

This sums it up nicely.

[Diezel]

I think that is sugar coating it a bit.

 

If the person you think you are in a relationship with invites a friend of the opposite sex to stay round their house for a week while at the same time they go NC with you - you would still be really understanding about allowing them space? I have a hard time believing anyone who is giving the OP advice about chilling out would not be deeply concerned about such a situation occurring.

 

There is no point in the OP getting mad about it, but he would be foolish to stick around especially as its only 3 months or so.

 

BAM. THIS.

 

Because it's crazy for people to tell him to "relax" and "chill". I'm sure if the situation were reversed and it were a male widower having a woman from the past over and went NC, the alarms would be going off and he'd be burned at the stake.

[kendahke]

Because it's crazy for people to tell him to "relax" and "chill". I'm sure if the situation were reversed and it were a male widower having a woman from the past over and went NC, the alarms would be going off and he'd be burned at the stake.

 

I'd tell her the same thing I told OP: that's his house, he can invite whoever he wants to into his home; it has nothing to do with "rights" or what he does or doesn't have a right to do in his own home; that either they wait until the widower's guest is gone to say something, send a bouquet of flowers to his house to push the situation or to just bounce; that a person who would go NC with you after 3 months of dating (and no talk about exclusivity or commitment has been had that the OP has made us aware of) doesn't sound as invested in the relationship as the OP either is or thinks the widower is.

[Timshel]

BAM. THIS.

 

Because it's crazy for people to tell him to "relax" and "chill". I'm sure if the situation were reversed and it were a male widower having a woman from the past over and went NC, the alarms would be going off and he'd be burned at the stake.

 

It would be great if the OP checked in with us, those 3 days have come and gone.

 

I don't think anyone is saying the situation isn't peculiar or that OP should not be taken aback. It seems that his girlfriend(?) was rather abrupt and non-communicative about her feelings and motivation. The widow aspect may or may not play an important part in this scenario.

 

Until OP enlightens us, my opinion is that when he first received this information, he should have pursued a conversation that let him know where he stood.

[BlueIris]

It would be great if the OP checked in with us, those 3 days have come and gone.

 

I don't think anyone is saying the situation isn't peculiar or that OP should not be taken aback. It seems that his girlfriend(?) was rather abrupt and non-communicative about her feelings and motivation. The widow aspect may or may not play an important part in this scenario.

 

Until OP enlightens us, my opinion is that when he first received this information, he should have pursued a conversation that let him know where he stood.

 

Yeah, it's odd that he didn't return.

 

I noticed that he has a previous thread about 10 weeks before he started this one, in which he had broken up with his girlfriend of 9 months, also for alleged infidelity when his exGF told him she'd met someone at a pool and exchanged contact info. He called his exGF a slut when he ended that relationship, so this seems to be a recurring concern for OP, and either this relationship with the widow isn't 3 months long or he was dating her while dating his exGF. Either way, he got serious about this new GF very quickly after this last GF.

 

His original post didn't say she imposed No Contact, that they're even having sex, have agreed to be exclusive, or even that she knows he calls her his GF. Since he was upset I'd think he'd have given those facts to bolster his position that the widow was doing something wrong and why he'd be upset. It's perplexing that he hasn't clarified.

 

For all we know they have only been going out and talking on the phone and she mentioned casually in conversation that an old friend was visiting from out of state and she'd be busy for a few days.

[Timshel]

BlueIris

I remember about the guy at the pool. ah..ha. Well we shall see. If OP hasn't learned anything, at least food for thought for the rest of us.

[insert_name]

BAM. THIS.

 

Because it's crazy for people to tell him to "relax" and "chill". I'm sure if the situation were reversed and it were a male widower having a woman from the past over and went NC, the alarms would be going off and he'd be burned at the stake.

 

I agree there would be a difference and it would stem from the perception that men are more predatory as we are the ones who are expected to chase women. So a man inviting a woman round while going NC is obviously instantly shady, whereas the woman is afforded the benefit of the doubt as she might just see him as a friend (I'm not huying it as its waaay too deliberate, but I suspect thats how people think).

[insert_name]

I agree I wish OP would come back, interested in how all this actually pans out....although from details posted above it soubds like if this IS a legitimate scenario then its likely that he hasnt defined with her that there is a rlationship so the suspicion that she thinks she is single is on the money.

[BlueIris]

I agree there would be a difference and it would stem from the perception that men are more predatory as we are the ones who are expected to chase women. So a man inviting a woman round while going NC is obviously instantly shady, whereas the woman is afforded the benefit of the doubt as she might just see him as a friend (I'm not huying it as its waaay too deliberate, but I suspect thats how people think).

 

Except he doesn't say she "went NC" just that they wouldn't be seeing each other due to "time constraints." He never said that she told him he wasn't allowed to meet the old friend/visitor or that she refused to speak to OP.

 

He did say that SHE hadn't contacted him the first night, again, begging the question of whether he contacted her and whether or when she responded, or didn't.

[Spectre]

It IS crazy for people telling the guy to relax. Look, this woman as an adult and she obviously can do whatever she wants. But when you are talking about relationships? Behavior like this is just shady no matter how you look at it. I don't know what is going on, but her having this other dude around and telling the guy he can't be around is within her right, but that doesn't mean the guy can't ask what her doing that MEANS. Which is the situation, what this means is she either is not that into this relationship or she is into this friend..or maybe a bit of both?

 

I don't know, but I don't care what the situation is, whenever someone is in a relationship and then goes to their partner and says "I am going to have an old friend who is a member of the opposite sex stay with me for a few days and you can't come around" it's not a good sign. It's not that she doesn't have the right to do that, it's just what it says about her and this guy with the fact she is doing that. Which is mainly: she doesn't care that much about the relationship. For whatever reason..whether it is because she is not over her husband..or because it has something to do with this "friend" there is something going on and that is the bottom line.

 

To conclude: OP, she has the right to do all this. You have the right to be suspicious of her acting suspiciously, and you have the right to walk away because of that. I know I worded that strangely, but since everyone seems to want to focus on what this woman has the *right* to do or not do..

Edited January 29, 2015 by Spectre

[Musicguy201]

Okay, I did leave out some important stuff, so here goes: yes, we were definitely BF & GF; yes, we were definitely exclusive. As it turned out, she did call me that night (I did let her know I was having trouble with the situation) and she said all the right words, and I did get to meet him a couple of days later. No red flags from either person, & her commitment to me never flagged one bit. I just had waaay too little info to go on about this guy before, & she certainly rectified the situation. Fortunately, a totally different outcome than the pool guy, which was later substantiated.

 

Yes, I am short on trust, as I've had several earlier relationships end with infidelity, not on my part. I gave the benefit of the doubt when I shouldn't have, & that makes it more difficult for me to know where to draw the line between acceptable behavior and not. Now, I've had a shining example of each, and hopefully my widow & I will ride off into the sunset forever.

[Musicguy201]

Here's an update for those of you interested: we did make it through the 'other guy' issue relatively unscathed, but 2 months later she handed me my 'Dear John' letter. Just wasn't that into me, she said. No issues brought forward, even when asked. For those of you who said she doesn't respect me or the relationship, you were dead on. In the meantime I feel like a worn-out sneaker, well-liked when I was useful but thoughtlessly tossed in the trash when used up.

 

One last factoid: back to the 'other guy' issue- when I pressed for more info on who this guy was to her (I knew almost nothing at the time), she told me I was 'controlling'. Wow... just, wow.

Edited March 22, 2015 by Musicguy201
more accurate timeline

[No Limit]

Sorry that you had to learn the hard way. You'll find a better woman.

[preraph]

Sounds like she agreed to exclusivity with you because it's the best way to give a relationship a chance. You weren't together that long and a whole lot of relationships fizzle out after a few months, so please don't make more of it than it is. Your fears about the other guy were baseless and she explained them to you. But in the end she stayed long enough to realize you weren't the one for her. She broke up with you. She didn't cheat on you. To me, it sounds like she did things in the right order.