MM is my coworker; his wife was pregnant

[aninnymouse]

I am a new poster. This is very hard to post on the internet. I know I will be judged harshly but I do hope people can see I am not a bad person.

 

For the past 6 months, I have been involved with my married coworker. We started out as friends at work -- making fun of other coworkers, bashing the administration. We kept it strictly platonic because I knew about his wife, and at the time, I was in a relationship.

 

My relationship with my boyfriend deteriorated not because of MM but because my BF was depressed. I tried my best to help him through his depression but he started to take his anger and depression towards me. I was essentially in a one-person relationship and he hurt me extremely. I decided to leave because I needed to be happy as well. But that's a long story of it's own and I will spare you the details.

 

My occupation is a pretty dangerous one. I was involved in several accidents and incidents at work that put my life/health in danger. I had called my ex-BF for emotional guidance first but he didn't respond. I called my closest friends but they all lived far away from me. So I called my coworker (MM). He came to my rescue each time. Classic damsel in distress, I guess. MM and I started talking to each other more after the accidents. We realized we had a strong connection. We would finish each other's sentences. We read each other's emotions very easily. We started to develop feelings for each other.

 

I knew in my head it was wrong. I attempted to cut off contact with MM but it didn't work, seeing we work together and see each other every day. He noticed something was off about me. I confessed to him, in hopes we could end things there. And that was a huge mistake because he confessed back. And thus, our affair started.

 

The kicker in the story -- his wife was pregnant. How could I do this to another woman? How could I hurt her like that? MM didn't have any issues in his marriage before I came along, and he has never cheated prior to this. MM and I talked ad nauseum about ending it. I didn't want to hurt the BS and he didn't want to either. While we had trouble controlling our feelings, we tried to avoid doing anything physical (although sometimes we fail at that, i.e. kissing, hand holding). Barring actual sex, our A did get more physical over time.

 

At the start of the A, we fancied the idea of eloping. Now that the fog has cleared, we knew it was a bad idea. He said he doesn't think I would want a man that would so easily up and leave his family. He could never admit to saying he would never cheat on me because well clearly, he has cheated on his wife. We knew that running off together would hurt a lot of people along the way. He doesn't want to offer me false promises because he knows he is hurting me at the same time as hurting his wife. We had these discussions many times on ending it but we fail every single time.

 

MM admitted he started to love me more than BS, and I started to displace her. He acknowledges that he shares a deeper connection with me than his wife. He spends more time with me than he does her. We work together and when he's away, we still constantly talk via phone or text. Yet he still cares deeply about BS because she is still the mother of his child. They have history. I figured once the baby arrived, the A would be put to an end. It didn't. Baby is here, and we still talk constantly. He sends me pics of him and the baby. While his wife was in labor, he was texting me cause he was worried I would be sad. We're not bad people, but at this point, we are very selfish people.

 

Now...I am at lost of what to do. I feel like we should have ended this a long time ago. I knew from the start I had a 0% chance. I don't know why I am putting myself through this. I am educated, young, and actually a pretty good catch. I could be dating single guys yet I am in love with a MM. I have tried dating others but no one catches my eyes. Sometimes I get tired of waiting. I get angry; he wants his cake and eat it too. Yet I can't help but smile whenever I see him. I know I shouldn't hold onto false hope but I do. I'm just wondering if anyone has advice. I didn't mean for my post to be this long. Thank you if you read all of that.

[Standard-Fare]

Despite the recklessness of your actions, you seem to have a solid sense of self-awareness. You know what you're doing is wrong, you have no illusions of a positive outcome, and you realize you're only harming yourself.

 

This situation is so emotionally draining that I think it might be time for you to pursue another job, or at least, some sort of change in your current job so you're not working so closely with this man. Is that a possibility? It strikes me as the best if not the only option to untangle yourself from this.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

Approximate ages?

 

Have you been married before?

 

What do you want to happen here?

 

Observations from past experiences as an OM:

 

Anything not verified is unverified. This means anything not actually observed in person or verified independently is unknown and actions or perspectives regarding such unknowns should respect that dynamic. Since infidelity, if by deception, meaning you haven't verified that his spouse knows that he's interacting romantically with you, is by definition a lie, and people lie because, well, they're people. We all lie.

 

If you remain emotionally attached to this MM and don't finish your business with him, you run the risk of viewing all men you interact with as insufficiently attractive or an insufficient match to proceed with a relationship with a single man. It's difficult for a man to compete with an idealized version of same. Why? Because they're real, in the moment. MM is a person you have fleeting interactions with, not the everyday humdrum of life.

 

Your feelings don't have to run your life. You have choices. Good luck!

[ComingInHot]

The kicker in the story -- his wife was pregnant. How could I do this to another woman? How could I hurt her like that? MM didn't have any issues in his marriage before I came along, and he has never cheated prior to this. MM and I talked ad nauseum about ending it. I didn't want to hurt the BS and he didn't want to either. While we had trouble controlling our feelings, we tried to avoid doing anything physical (although sometimes we fail at that, i.e. kissing, hand holding). Barring actual sex, our A did get more physical over time.

 

How do you suppose that 'kicker' will be when this all comes out in the open? Or if the roles were reversed. Imagine how much you love this man wanna be(sorry, he's a complete douche for getting his wife pregnant and still cheating on her) and you are pregnant with his baby and you find he is cheating on you with a Co-Worker....

 

not cool.

End it.

Absolutely no good will come of it.

Not for You.

And not for His Wife and Their Child/Children.

 

Good luck and best wishes for a healthier future!

CiH*

[Standard-Fare]

OP, I'd like to add that you (and your MM) have correctly identified the main crux of this:

 

If there WAS any chance of you two actually being together as a legitimate couple (which there is little), you'd never be able to fully respect him or trust him. Because he's the type of man who cheats on a pregnant wife, and abandons his family as it's just starting to form. Obviously that would be a terribly unhealthy basis for a relationship.

[Timshel]

OP unfortunately, MM cheating on a pregnant wife if not uncommon. It happens quite frequently and there are thousands of articles and blogs around this issue. A pregnancy and newborn can be very draining on a marriage and particularly on the new mother.

I realize you already know that what you are engaged in is unfair and selfish. Please do a little research on line regarding what the BW is going through regarding pregnancy, giving birth and caring for an infant. It will give you perspective to her state of being and the motivations of your MM.

 

I also have to say that by doing this, there is no doubt in my mind that if/when you have your first child, what you are doing to this woman will haunt you.

[truncated]

If you know what you are doing is wrong, if it makes you feel bad, if you have empathy for his pregnant wife, and if you know the affair has no real future, then quit dithering around and end it.

 

All of the ' it's so hard to stop" is just excuses. No one is holding a gun to your head, no alien has taken over your body, you're not unaware that he's married with a pregnant wife.

 

You ahve control over yourslef here. Yes, it may hurt a lot, but in the end, all we really have is our self respect. Isn't that more valuable than continuing an affair and putting a pregnant woman/ new mother and new baby through hell just so you can have a relationship that isn't going anywhere?

[GoldieLox]

This is a dangerous situation. I agree with the poster who said you have some self-awareness; yes, you do know this is 100% wrong, however it seems to me like you really don't WANT to end this. If you truly want to, sit him down, have the conversation about why this cannot continue, and end it. I know this is difficult because you work with him, but it can be done. It just takes a lot of strength and willpower. If you feel it's too difficult, look for another job or ask for some sort of transfer to another department if possible. What's going to happen is he's going to get caught, he's going to pick his wife and child over you, your heart is going to be broken, and you're going to be left up s%#t creek without a paddle.

 

If he wants to cheat on his wife and newborn with someone, fine. But please don't let it be you. You're young and you sound like you actually have a brain in your head. Go find someone who you can love ALL of. Don't be a family wrecker.

[ComingInHot]

Be careful that Mr. Married Man with Infant isn't setting you up to be the Crazy ow when all of this hits the fan.

There are so many excuses that Wives will believe at first.

ie; She is crazy

She came onto me

She won't go away

She seduced me

She told me she would tell you if I didn't keep up the charade (affair)

blah blah blah blah blah....

It is totally on MM that he couldn't keep it in his pants. It is totally on you for helping him with that. HOWEVER the crux lies with MM cheating on His Wife and Child and families.

Just make sure that he isn't setting you up to be the psycho exOW. Because then, no matter what you do to defend yourself and/or your actions, it will only make you look exactly how he described you.

 

Trust me on this. He would move mountains to be with the woman he loves and he would do it like yesterday.

 

My XH made the exOW look like a freak show too. And I think she behaved the way she did because he set her up to do exactly what he wanted when he wanted.

I don't want that for you or anyone regardless of the situation.

So be careful even after you end the A.

CiH*

[Quiet Storm]

You are going to have to be the one that ends it. You are young, and he will happily waste your youth if you allow him to.

 

This man is an opportunist. When you confessed your feelings in the beginning, he could have considered his wife, he could chosen to keep proper boundaries with a coworker... but no, he saw an opportunity and took it. It's not easy for guys to find women willing to have an affair with them, and you advertised that you were willing to participate. You can never trust a guy like this because loyalty and respect mean nothing to them.

 

He is continuing to be an opportunist and take whatever you are willing to offer up. You think that your connection with him and the bond that you share will count for something. It won't. He told you this and even warned you that he would cheat on you. What are you thinking girl? Why are you in love with a man of this character? His character traits should repulse you, but they attract you. This is something you should explore in counseling, or you will continue to be attracted to men with poor character. He will stay with his wife, and continue in affair with you. He doesn't care how it will affect his wife and child, and he doesn't care how it will affect you. He talks a lot about not wanting to hurt BS or hurt you, but that's exactly what he is doing. He is all talk.... what does his works of care and concern for you & his wife get you? It gets you more affair & wasted life, and it gets his wife more lies and betrayal. Don't be a slave to your feelings.

 

You have to take responsibility for your life. You know this is wrong, but seem to lack the self control to stay away from him. You can't depend on him to have your best interests at heart, because he doesn't. You have to be the one to love yourself and protect yourself. And loving yourself means keeping yourself out of harms way, even if you have to go through the pain of missing him. You know this situation has the potential to hurt you and others, so you have to the adult here and end it. You are waiting for him to pull the plug, but he won't. He has a good thing going here, a wife and a new baby, and a woman willing to give him attention/romance/sex. He will act all conflicted and depressed about it, but never make a decision. The longer you accept this, the more he will conclude that you are OK with it, and the less he will respect you.

 

It will hurt, you will miss him, but you will be OK. Your mind & heart will never welcome another man as long as you keep him in your life.

[aninnymouse]

Thanks for your replies. Reading the replies have really helped me look at things a bit clearer. I just want to answer some of your questions.

 

I am 25, MM is 31, and BS is 29. I am currently single and have never been married before. Prior to this, I was in a long-term relationship for 5 years.

 

I think finding a new job would give me the opportunity to start anew. Unfortunately, I work in a limited field were jobs are hard to come by. I like my job and it pays well. It doesn't make sense for my career to quit and find a lesser paying job that doesn't align with my prospects. That said, I have been searching for other jobs and will apply if a relevant one does pop up.

 

I really doubt MM is doing this to get in my pants. I genuinely believe he cares about me and loves me. He cooks for me when I'm sick. He calls/texts to make sure I got home safely. We have talked about what it would be like if we progressed to sex but we decided not to cross that line because of our circumstances. We also talk about boring stuff -- finances, housework, cooking, etc. I think if we were both single, we would have been such a great match. Unfortunately, the situation we are in right now is unhealthy. I agree that he is being opportunistic. I deserve more than crumbs of his time. And his wife deserves more too. Despite his best intentions in showing he cares about me, what he really is doing is hurting the both of us.

 

I also do not believe his BS is completely in the dark about us. She had checked his phone logs and confronted him about it. She asked MM if he is dating someone else. And if he had fallen out of love with her. He told her that I am a very important person to him. And that if she asks to cut off contact, he would resent her. He never admitted to the affair -- probably because she was pregnant at the time and he doesn't want to make it worse. While that may be partially true, I think he is also afraid of what would happen if the whole truth comes out.

 

I asked him if he had contemplated leaving his wife for me. He said he did at one point. But we both decided it was best to end things and for him to stay. I told him not to leave the marriage because of me, but only if there are fundamental problems in their marriage. MM said if he ever leaves, a part of it will always be because he met me. I really don't know what to say to that.

 

I would like to think MM and I are pretty level-headed people and we know that what we have is unhealthy. We have talked about all the possibilities and scenarios and the consequences of our actions as well. We know the right path is to end things. Yet we fail to execute it. This is not our first failed attempt. It is his fault for dragging me into this, despite knowing his situation better than I did. Yet it is also my fault for going along for the ride, willingly being strung along.

 

One poster (Quiet Storm) raised a good point that it is on me to end things. It seems that if we tried to do it mutually, it won't work. I try to distance myself from him but it is always a push and pull. I have been relapsing a lot. I guess I am stupidly in love? I know the road to ending this is going to be a long one and a hard one. But I don't want this relationship to drag me down and prevent me from meeting other great UNATTACHED guys out there. I'm trying me best to do the right thing. I really hope I can move on from this.

Edited January 27, 2015 by aninnymouse

[Standard-Fare]

OP, I guess I didn't fully realize that you and the MM hadn't had sex. I guess that does say something about your restraint. Though you are right to still call it an "affair," because that's what it is.

 

I think it may be helpful to look at this from a completely selfish angle. Ignore your guilt and empathy about the wife and the baby. Ignore the MM's conflicted feelings. Think about what's best for YOU.

 

You've acknowledged that you're in a hopeless situation. To dig yourself deeper into this hole is to ensure long-term misery for yourself and also to blockade yourself from any real chances of love. This could go on for YEARS.

 

You say the MM truly cares about you. If that's true, he should be able to do what's best for you and step aside. Tell him that as hard as it is for you, you need to cut off all contact with him that's not related to work. And even if that's not being true to your heart, it's what you need to do to protect yourself and move on.

[georgia girl]

So much to comment on here but the upshot is that this is seriously unhealthy for you and you need to end it now. Cold turkey. Walk away. Never look back. Only with time will you ever get the clarity you need to see how seriously unhealthy this situation is for you. My heart is literally twisting for you right now.

 

 

But on to observations...

 

 

First, as one poster said, its not uncommon for men to have affairs when their spouse is pregnant. Impending fatherhood can be an overwhelming concept for a man. It changes how he sees himself, his relationship and his future. Most mature men take that time, share it with their spouse and they deal with these changes together. Only a man who is so seriously screwed up and self-involved as your MM would seek out another relationship. That alone says he's not good partnership material - for his wife, you or any other woman. Sorry, he just isn't.

 

 

But you're just 25; he's 31 and married to a 29-year-old with a baby. You guys are too darned young to have screwed up your lives this badly already. You can't see it, but this guy is warping your views of relationships, appropriate boundaries, and even how to value yourself enough that you won't be placed in second place. Do you get that he denied you to his spouse? That it was more important that he keep that relationship intact than to acknowledge you? How does that make you feel about yourself?

 

 

Don't let him do this to you. Don't let him screw up what you view as a healthy relationship. Don't let him convince you that you don't deserve a healthy, equal relationship.

 

 

And now on to the biggest kicker of all to me. The "we love each other so we just can't end it even though we're going to end up hurting so many people" excuse. Even though I think you're both young at 25 and 31, you are grown ups making grown up decisions. You both made a choice to love someone unavailable to you. To nurture, protect and grow a relationship that by your admission shouldn't be grown. So, now's the time you reap what you sow. It's going to be tough and it's going to hurt like heck, but that's the consequence for doing the wrong thing. Learn from it. It will help you establish healthier boundaries in the future.

 

 

Finally, even though this is a lot of tough love, please, please start seeing things clearly. I say this for you. You are just 25. You have your whole life ahead of you. But we author our own successes and script our own disasters in this world. Take ownership of your disaster and start writing your new success. You have all of the opportunities in the world to find the right guy for you. But could you have missed him while hanging out waiting for married-with-a-baby-on-the-way guy? The guy who couldn't handle responsibilities? He's not worth your time.

[spookysonata]

You say the MM truly cares about you. If that's true, he should be able to do what's best for you and step aside. Tell him that as hard as it is for you, you need to cut off all contact with him that's not related to work. And even if that's not being true to your heart, it's what you need to do to protect yourself and move on.

 

THIS. All those nice things he does for you? Those are what he should be doing for his wife. They belong to her, and if she suspects now, guaranteed she is sitting at home sad and lonely, wondering where her husband's affections are going.

 

It won't be easy, and it will hurt, but STOP. NOW. Seriously.

[loveboid]

If you want him, say so. If you don't, let him go.

[aninnymouse]

 

But you're just 25; he's 31 and married to a 29-year-old with a baby. You guys are too darned young to have screwed up your lives this badly already. You can't see it, but this guy is warping your views of relationships, appropriate boundaries, and even how to value yourself enough that you won't be placed in second place. Do you get that he denied you to his spouse? That it was more important that he keep that relationship intact than to acknowledge you? How does that make you feel about yourself?

 

 

Don't let him do this to you. Don't let him screw up what you view as a healthy relationship. Don't let him convince you that you don't deserve a healthy, equal relationship.

 

 

 

Thanks for your input. I think everyone here has been extremely nice to me, despite my current situation. I don't see it as tough love but rather, very sound advice.

 

I am afraid my view of relationships has already begun to warp. I don't look forward to the idea of marriage anymore. I am beginning to see the downsides. That love sometimes doesn't last forever, even when people had the idea of forever love when they first got married. I see that divorce is a very true possibility. And that sometimes the person you marry may change. I think I have gotten jaded. At the age of 25, that is kind of sad. It is hard to talk to my friends about this because they cannot even fathom the idea of marriage, kids, etc. I feel like I grew up a lot in a short period. I am glad I was able to talk about my situation here.

 

That said, through all of this, I have learned to cope through unexpected events. Sometimes life just doesn't go the way we planned.

[CALOVELY]

Re-read what you wrote again: "He sends me pics of him and the baby. While his wife was in labor, he was texting me cause he was worried I would be sad."

 

He send you, the OW, pictures of his new baby with his wife. He texts you while his wife is bringing his child in to the world. These are truly depraved things for him to do. Is this someone you want to have a relationship with?

[kareena]

First of all, welcome to LS! Don't worry, everything is going to be okay (((hugs)))

 

You know, it's funny how all affairs sound the same.

 

As someone who has been tormented by an extremely toxic A for years, my advice to you is to walk away while you still can.

The more time/emotions you invest in this, the harder it will be. I know you said that you haven't slept with him, but trust me, you most probably will. And when you do, it will be amazing simply because of all the waiting and the whole "forbidden fruit" thing. Not to mention all the emotional foreplay because that is basically what you're doing. Having said that, think about how much harder things will get once sex is part of it.

 

I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life but please be careful! The path you're heading down is a dangerous and painful one. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.

good luck!

[loveboid]

This guy is not that nice if he's texting you at his child's birth.

 

I think he's telling you he is definitely married and don't get your hopes up.

[nikki76]

Baby is here, and we still talk constantly. He sends me pics of him and the baby. While his wife was in labor, he was texting me cause he was worried I would be sad. We're not bad people, but at this point, we are very selfish people.

 

I'm sorry, but this makes my stomach turn a bit. Why would you want to be with someone that is texting you while his wife is having their child!!!! This is supposed to be one of the most beautiful times in their lives. I am not one to be judging, but that is wrong on so many levels.

 

I understand as much as the next person does, how hard it is to end an affair. Its one of the most difficult things Ive ever had to do. You have to know, that this will not go anywhere but downhill. You are so far into the fog, that you can't see how much pain you are heading towards.

 

You are so young. Walk away now. Its going to hurt like hell. But the longer you wait, the more it will hurt. Find someone thats unattached. Someone you can start your OWN family with, if thats what you want. Stop letting this guy destroy your life and his own.

[jbrent890]

I'm sorry, but this makes my stomach turn a bit. Why would you want to be with someone that is texting you while his wife is having their child!!!! This is supposed to be one of the most beautiful times in their lives. I am not one to be judging, but that is wrong on so many levels.

 

I understand as much as the next person does, how hard it is to end an affair. Its one of the most difficult things Ive ever had to do. You have to know, that this will not go anywhere but downhill. You are so far into the fog, that you can't see how much pain you are heading towards.

 

You are so young. Walk away now. Its going to hurt like hell. But the longer you wait, the more it will hurt. Find someone thats unattached. Someone you can start your OWN family with, if thats what you want. Stop letting this guy destroy your life and his own.

 

Had to change the tone of my post. Nikki that is a very hypocritical statement to make.

Edited January 28, 2015 by jbrent890

[nikki76]

Had to change the tone of my post. Nikki that is a very hypocritical statement to make.

 

I figured you would have some smart ass comment to make, like always.

[CALOVELY]

I'm sorry, but this makes my stomach turn a bit. Why would you want to be with someone that is texting you while his wife is having their child!!!! This is supposed to be one of the most beautiful times in their lives. I am not one to be judging, but that is wrong on so many levels.

 

 

I read that part and my jaw dropped. This is how he treats his wife giving birth to his child? I hope to God his wife never finds that part out. This man is loathsome.

[Sassy Girl]

Had to change the tone of my post. Nikki that is a very hypocritical statement to make.

 

Who cares? Do you disagree with the message?

 

Having a baby is one of the most vulnerable times in a woman's life. What he has done is pretty despicable. And you should have stepped back and not enabled it. You know what's right and wrong, and this is very very wrong. Stop enabling him and playing victim. Honestly it seems like you're feeling flattered by the attention he gives you during these times. You shouldn't. It doesn't say anything about you or how much he loves you. It screams volumes as to what kind of man he is... And it isn't nice. Maybe one say you'll be in the delivery room birthing your own baby and wondering who te hell your partner keeps texting.

 

How awful for the wife. He's shameless. And you're his accomplice.

[Sassy Girl]

As to love? If that is his version of love Id tell him where he can stick it. That's not love. That's ego, and selfishness, and narcissism.

 

Love? The only person that man loves is himself.