MM is my coworker; his wife was pregnant

[truncated]

OP,

 

Really, really think long and hard about this.

 

this man is cheating on his wife, who wa spregnant. He was texting you while she was in labour, and now that the baby is here, he is sending you photos of him and the baby.

 

That's disgusting. There's no two ways about it.

 

And as for you? you accept this. you don't tell him to stop, you don't tell him to go away. You accept it, and then excuse yourslef by saing you are not a bad person?

 

COme on now, do you really think that? What if this stuation was hapeneing to you or a relative or good friend of yours? What would you think about the two people involved?

 

This isn't all about him, as you can't control what he does, but you can sure as hell control yourself.

 

Everyday you allow this to continue, you are doing more dammage. Is this really who you are and who you want to be?

[gettingstronger]

At its core, you are involved with a man that is conflict avoidant, who can not handle the changes in life that pregnancy brings, that does not focus on his child at the moment he/she is coming in to the world, who is cruel to the one he pledged to love and who has changed your views on marriage- is this the type of person you want in your life as a partner-one you will fear will do the same to you when life changing events happen- is this a quality person?

Once you have answered these questions, there are a whole host of questions you need to ask yourself in regards to your role in this mess-

[Josmatjes]

Had to change the tone of my post. Nikki that is a very hypocritical statement to make.

 

I don't think it's hypocritical at all.

It's one thing to have an affair in mid life when you already have kids and maybe you've both changed or your lonely, whatever your reason is. But to not even really get into any of that and have an affair while your wife is pregnant with your first child is pretty gross!

He is disgusting because maybe his wife was hormonal or having a difficult pregnancy and instead of him helping her through he finds a side piece.and as a woman she should be appalled.I have three kids and I was very insecure of my weight and body during that time. As soon as things started turning when she realized his wife is pregnant she should of told him where to go!

As far as right now...get rid of him!!

[Josmatjes]

Oh, and as far as him texting you while she is in labor....so YOU won't be sad???

Really maybe he should of been holding his wife's hand through her PAINFUL contractions or getting her ice chips or something.

She is bringing a life into this world but as long as your not sad I guess it's all good, right?

[DKT3]

I don't think it's hypocritical at all.

It's one thing to have an affair in mid life when you already have kids and maybe you've both changed or your lonely, whatever your reason is. But to not even really get into any of that and have an affair while your wife is pregnant with your first child is pretty gross!

He is disgusting because maybe his wife was hormonal or having a difficult pregnancy and instead of him helping her through he finds a side piece.and as a woman she should be appalled.I have three kids and I was very insecure of my weight and body during that time. As soon as things started turning when she realized his wife is pregnant she should of told him where to go!

As far as right now...get rid of him!!

 

I also think its hypcritical. I believe this is mainly a gender issue. As MW in affairs its easier to idenify with the pregnant woman. While having done things to your own husband that is at least on par with what he has done.

 

I don't expect to make many friends with this comment, but honestly its the nature of the beast. What I did wasn't so bad, what your doing is horrible. Even when its the same?

[jbrent890]

I also think its hypcritical. I believe this is mainly a gender issue. As MW in affairs its easier to idenify with the pregnant woman. While having done things to your own husband that is at least on par with what he has done.

 

I don't expect to make many friends with this comment, but honestly its the nature of the beast. What I did wasn't so bad, what your doing is horrible. Even when its the same?

 

Thank you. No, the OPs situation is all kinds of wrong. In fact I would say it's one of the most horrific I have seen here. But that's just it, it's one of. There is one poster in this thread who is knee deep in her affair. She stated in another thread that if her husband found out about it, she would divorce him, yet she still continues her affair. There is another poster in this thread who had sex with her husband's friend multiple times and let's this guy come around her house and act chummy with her husband. Does it really seem right for them to call this woman out on her situation when theirs are just as bad? I'm not saying don't give advice, but maybe they should be a little more cognizant of the hypocrisy in the advice their giving here. Or even better, they take their own advice and do right by their spouses.

 

OP, you know what you're doing is wrong and I'm glad your realize this. However, I don't think anything is going to change with this guy in your life. I know you don't want to, buy maybe transferring or finding a different job maybe best.

[Josmatjes]

I also think its hypcritical. I believe this is mainly a gender issue. As MW in affairs its easier to idenify with the pregnant woman. While having done things to your own husband that is at least on par with what he has done.

 

I don't expect to make many friends with this comment, but honestly its the nature of the beast. What I did wasn't so bad, what your doing is horrible. Even when its the same?

 

I agree but I do think morally there are certain boundaries....yes I had an affair and my husband knows everything. But I just think that knowing this man was texting from the hospital is just awful and he is a dirtbag!

[Popsicle]

Run away while you can.

[sunburned]

I also think its hypcritical. I believe this is mainly a gender issue. As MW in affairs its easier to idenify with the pregnant woman. While having done things to your own husband that is at least on par with what he has done.

 

I don't expect to make many friends with this comment, but honestly its the nature of the beast. What I did wasn't so bad, what your doing is horrible. Even when its the same?

 

 

 

 

I don't think what Nikki said was hypocritical. She even prefaced (or at least tempered) her comments by acknowledging her own A. Bottom line is she's calling on her own experience to try to help the OP. Are you?

 

 

And honestly, it's not the same as you claim. Cheating is wrong 100 percent of the time, but there are definitely different levels to which one can sink. We read here all the time about someone who's crossed a line (e.g. an EA) and about to cross another (e.g.sex). Posters swoop in to try to stop that progression. What Nikki is saying is that even for a cheater, texting your OW while your wife is in labor is about as low as you can go.

 

 

OP, I agree with Sassy Girl that you seem to almost feel this demonstrates how much he cares about you. Don't be flattered, be insulted that he thinks you're the type of woman to be honored by this vile behavior.

[sunburned]

Thank you. No, the OPs situation is all kinds of wrong. In fact I would say it's one of the most horrific I have seen here. But that's just it, it's one of. There is one poster in this thread who is knee deep in her affair. She stated in another thread that if her husband found out about it, she would divorce him, yet she still continues her affair. There is another poster in this thread who had sex with her husband's friend multiple times and let's this guy come around her house and act chummy with her husband. Does it really seem right for them to call this woman out on her situation when theirs are just as bad? I'm not saying don't give advice, but maybe they should be a little more cognizant of the hypocrisy in the advice their giving here. Or even better, they take their own advice and do right by their spouses.

 

OP, you know what you're doing is wrong and I'm glad your realize this. However, I don't think anything is going to change with this guy in your life. I know you don't want to, buy maybe transferring or finding a different job maybe best.

 

So many responses appeared while I was writing my own post above so I have to add something here. Nikki et al weren't calling out the OP so much as they were calling out her AP in hopes of getting OP to wake up.

[Mal78]

Honestly, what on earth could this man rationalize in his head to take selfies of himself and new born to send to his lover? I know what he told her, however what was going on in his head?

 

This moment, one of the most important, sacred and beautiful moment in his life will be forever tainted by his shameless act. He might not see it now, however he will. That will always be part of the memory of the birth of his first born.

 

That is the problem with some of these jerk*ffs, they can't keep their lives separate. They are too arrogant and egotistical.

 

He couldn't let this *one* day be about his wife. He couldn't allow her the dignity and give her that few ounces she deserves ESPECIALLY this one day.

 

OP, let his actions be your dealbreaker. One day you will have children, the day of your first child's birth at some point you will be reminded of that selfie and it will hit you and you will sigh in disgust.

 

There is NOTHING that can describe the feelings you have when you bring your child into the world.

[nikki76]

Thank you. No, the OPs situation is all kinds of wrong. In fact I would say it's one of the most horrific I have seen here. But that's just it, it's one of. There is one poster in this thread who is knee deep in her affair. She stated in another thread that if her husband found out about it, she would divorce him, yet she still continues her affair. There is another poster in this thread who had sex with her husband's friend multiple times and let's this guy come around her house and act chummy with her husband. Does it really seem right for them to call this woman out on her situation when theirs are just as bad? I'm not saying don't give advice, but maybe they should be a little more cognizant of the hypocrisy in the advice their giving here. Or even better, they take their own advice and do right by their spouses.

 

OP, you know what you're doing is wrong and I'm glad your realize this. However, I don't think anything is going to change with this guy in your life. I know you don't want to, buy maybe transferring or finding a different job maybe best.

 

hmmmm, where do i start? So many things i want to say, but I wont.

 

OP is asking for advice. I know for me, I'd rather hear advice from someone who has been in her situation as the OW, not the BS. A BS has so much hatred toward the OW/OM that any advice they give is out of anger. Being an "F"OW I know what crazy things affairs can do to our minds and hearts. They seem so real at the moment. You don't care about anyone or anything but the affair. You think you were meant for each other but the stars just didnt line up at the right time in your life. All those stupid cliches. Then, you get tired of the lies and the hurt. And you finally wake up and realize how damaging and hurtful to everyone else it really was. It was all just make believe. and you have to pick up the pieces, figure out why in the first place you had the affair and fix it. A BS would not know any of this. I'm trying to tell her and help her to realize that nothing good will come out of this. Nothing ever does. I would much rather hear that from OW then BS.

 

And as far as my affair with H friend, I know that was wrong. And I am no longer having the affair. I have taken my own advice and ended the affair and have started MC. I made a huge mistake, I understand that. The thought that I have betrayed my H and my family is disgusting. Im taking this experience as an eye opener and has made me appreciate my H and family so much more then I ever have. I wish it didnt take a betrayal to make me realize that, but it did. And as far as confessing to him, Im not even going into that.

[anika99]

So many responses appeared while I was writing my own post above so I have to add something here. Nikki et al weren't calling out the OP so much as they were calling out her AP in hopes of getting OP to wake up.

 

Exactly! I don't think anyone is saying that the OP's behaviour is worse than their own, they are just emphasising how creepy her MM is.

 

 

I think women are different than men in that they see cheating in different degrees. For men, cheating is cheating and who cares about the details. A BW will be devastated upon learning her husband cheated but it will cut like a thousand knives if she finds out the OW was in her bed or around her children. Same goes for the BW in the OP's situation. She will be crushed if she discovers the affair but it will be so much worse if she ever finds out that while she was delivering their first child her husband was texting another woman and that the MM sent pictures of her newborn baby to the OW. I'm not a BW but I can imagine how horribly violated that would make me feel. It's one thing to find out that you have been unknowingly sharing your husband with an OW, but to find out that your husband has also shared your child and your most intimate experiences with another woman is the stuff that can put a woman right over the edge.

 

 

OP it is despicable of your MM to have done this. Do not think it's because he's so in love with you he just couldn't help himself because that's not it. It's because he is a disturbed man who has no respect for his family or marriage or women in general.

[nikki76]

I also think its hypcritical. I believe this is mainly a gender issue. As MW in affairs its easier to idenify with the pregnant woman. While having done things to your own husband that is at least on par with what he has done.

 

I don't expect to make many friends with this comment, but honestly its the nature of the beast. What I did wasn't so bad, what your doing is horrible. Even when its the same?

 

Spoken like a true man. Always thinking he's right

 

didnt your spouse just recently have a baby? how did that feel? Wasnt that the most precious moment in your life? Even more precious then when you got married? knowing that you can create a human being and bring it into this world. That moment should only be shared between the man and the women. There is NOTHING in this lifetime that can compare to bringing a child into it. I know, i'm not far behind, but I don't care what anyone says, what that man did to his wife was the ultimate betrayal.

[jbrent890]

Spoken like a true man. Always thinking he's right

 

didnt your spouse just recently have a baby? how did that feel? Wasnt that the most precious moment in your life? Even more precious then when you got married? knowing that you can create a human being and bring it into this world. That moment should only be shared between the man and the women. There is NOTHING in this lifetime that can compare to bringing a child into it. I know, i'm not far behind, but I don't care what anyone says, what that man did to his wife was the ultimate betrayal.

 

Wow I was going to let this go until saw this post. So what does that say about you? You slept with the man that stood with your husband at your wedding. I thought that was a very sacred time between man and wife as well. It's almost like you are thrilled to have found someone that has done something that in your mind is worse than what you did. I know you didn't ask for it, but here some advice. Before you start throwing stones at other people for their situations, why don't you completely fix yours first. And yes, that means coming clean to your husband. The fact that you are dragging your husband to MC probably making him feel guilty about the issues in your marriage when you have done something that has trumped anything that he has done to you is very disturbing. I'm going quote one of favorite shows, there's no comparison when you cross that line, there is just the other side of the line. Both you and this MM have done by far some of the sickest things I have seen someone do to a spouse.

[nikki76]

Wow I was going to let this go until saw this post. So what does that say about you? You slept with the man that stood with your husband at your wedding. I thought that was a very sacred time between man and wife as well. It's almost like you are thrilled to have found someone that has done something that in your mind is worse than what you did. I know you didn't ask for it, but here some advice. Before you start throwing stones at other people for their situations, why don't you completely fix yours first. And yes, that means coming clean to your husband. The fact that you are dragging your husband to MC probably making him feel guilty about the issues in your marriage when you have done something that has trumped anything that he has done to you is very disturbing. I'm going quote one of favorite shows, there's no comparison when you cross that line, there is just the other side of the line. Both you and this MM have done by far some of the sickest things I have seen someone do to a spouse.

 

 

You know what....im done commenting to you. I dont owe you or anyone an explanation of ehat im doing in my life. No matter what I do, continue the affair or end it or whatever, you and other members will ALWAYS have something negative to say. Its fn ridiculous. Just because you have been hurt, doesnt give you any power over me. Maybe you should take your pain and hurt and work on that and stop bashing people like me that have made a mistake and are working on it. You dont know what my marriage outcome will be. So stop acting as though you have all the answers to my life situation. Because you dont. Nobody does.

[CALOVELY]

Wow I was going to let this go until saw this post. So what does that say about you? You slept with the man that stood with your husband at your wedding. I thought that was a very sacred time between man and wife as well. It's almost like you are thrilled to have found someone that has done something that in your mind is worse than what you did. I know you didn't ask for it, but here some advice. Before you start throwing stones at other people for their situations, why don't you completely fix yours first. And yes, that means coming clean to your husband. The fact that you are dragging your husband to MC probably making him feel guilty about the issues in your marriage when you have done something that has trumped anything that he has done to you is very disturbing. I'm going quote one of favorite shows, there's no comparison when you cross that line, there is just the other side of the line. Both you and this MM have done by far some of the sickest things I have seen someone do to a spouse.

 

Take your personal agenda elsewhere. This is not about you. You attacked Nikki first for some reason over a post that literally has nothing to do with her. Focus on the topic that OP posted instead of grinding your axe.

[DKT3]

I don't think what Nikki said was hypocritical. She even prefaced (or at least tempered) her comments by acknowledging her own A. Bottom line is she's calling on her own experience to try to help the OP. Are you?

 

 

And honestly, it's not the same as you claim. Cheating is wrong 100 percent of the time, but there are definitely different levels to which one can sink. We read here all the time about someone who's crossed a line (e.g. an EA) and about to cross another (e.g.sex). Posters swoop in to try to stop that progression. What Nikki is saying is that even for a cheater, texting your OW while your wife is in labor is about as low as you can go.

 

 

OP, I agree with Sassy Girl that you seem to almost feel this demonstrates how much he cares about you. Don't be flattered, be insulted that he thinks you're the type of woman to be honored by this vile behavior.

 

Who gets to decide or quantify the levels? As someone who just watched the birth of my third child I can assure you my focus was my child, and lovin's health. However, I did find a min to come here and share that information. I also texted several family members and friends. Does that make me horrible? As F'd up as it is, MM sees OP as a friend maybe he simply wanted to share that with her.

 

Levels of betrayal is subject to each ones personal judgement.

 

Ex: for me the physical side of lovin's affair was easy to overcome, it was the emotional part that drove me crazy, the trust that she had in HIM to share things she didn't trust me enough to share with me. While we have a poster on the infidelity side who's husband laughed about her EA.

[aninnymouse]

Who gets to decide or quantify the levels? As someone who just watched the birth of my third child I can assure you my focus was my child, and lovin's health. However, I did find a min to come here and share that information. I also texted several family members and friends. Does that make me horrible? As F'd up as it is, MM sees OP as a friend maybe he simply wanted to share that with her.

 

Levels of betrayal is subject to each ones personal judgement.

 

Ex: for me the physical side of lovin's affair was easy to overcome, it was the emotional part that drove me crazy, the trust that she had in HIM to share things she didn't trust me enough to share with me. While we have a poster on the infidelity side who's husband laughed about her EA.

 

Thanks for this. First and foremost, MM and my friendship comes first, above any romantic relationship. I am working hard on ending the romantic aspect of it. If that doesn'the work, then I will make the hard decision to switch jobs or end communication.

 

MM did send the same photos to the office mailing list and posted them on FB as well. I happen to be the first to know. I know it doesn't excuse our behavior and I do keep what other posters wrote in mind. While I don't think he had vile intentions in keeping me posted that night, I realize the ramifications. I have been thinking really seriously about all the comments written in this thread.

 

That said, I am sorry members here are arguing and attacking each other on this thread. I value each comment here. Some of them may be hard to take but I do value them.

[CALOVELY]

Thanks for this. First and foremost, MM and my friendship comes first, above any romantic relationship. I am working hard on ending the romantic aspect of it. If that doesn'the work, then I will make the hard decision to switch jobs or end communication.

 

MM did send the same photos to the office mailing list and posted them on FB as well. I happen to be the first to know. I know it doesn't excuse our behavior and I do keep what other posters wrote in mind. While I don't think he had vile intentions in keeping me posted that night, I realize the ramifications. I have been thinking really seriously about all the comments written in this thread.

 

That said, I am sorry members here are arguing and attacking each other on this thread. I value each comment here. Some of them may be hard to take but I do value them.

 

It was vile. His wife is giving birth to his baby and instead of being with her he is texting you. That is shockingly depraved.

 

What ramifications are you talking about?

[Quiet Storm]

Don't allow MM to change your views on marriage. It's not marriage that is the problem, it's cheaters like your MM. You think your MM is cheating because of his marriage, but he is cheating because it's in his character. He doesn't have those traits like integrity and honesty that are needed to have a healthy marriage. There are still many guys out there that are good guys and don't cheat, but you will miss out on them wasting time with guys like this.

 

This isn't a reflection of marriage, it's a reflection of the individual.

 

If you marry a guy that is honest, loyal and respectful, he will be honorable and turn down the girl at work that confesses her feelings for him. But choose a bad guy, and you will get a bad marriage.

 

So instead of allowing this guy to alter your beliefs, hopes and dreams... figure out what issues are making you see a guy with these character traits as attractive.

 

This guy and his behavior would repulse an emotionally healthy and well balanced woman. Yet you play along happily, valuing his attention and feeling special. You need to realistically see this guy as worthless- on the same level as some drunk, homeless, crackhead thief- because that's the type of guy he is. If some scraggly, stinking, druggie loser admitted that he loved you, would you value his love? No you would not, you would be disgusted. Well, your MM is this same kind of guy, just cleaned up and in different clothing. He is as low as they come.

 

Once you truly let go of the hope for MM, you will move on to new relationships. And you will keep picking the same kind of guy, who will give you a crappy marriage, unless you fix your man picker. MM is only your current problem. If you truly want a bright future with a healthy marriage & a family, you need to work on yourself so that you are capable of achieving what you want out of life.

[Lurkeraspect]

Thanks for this. First and foremost, MM and my friendship comes first, above any romantic relationship. I am working hard on ending the romantic aspect of it. If that doesn'the work, then I will make the hard decision to switch jobs or end communication.

 

MM did send the same photos to the office mailing list and posted them on FB as well. I happen to be the first to know. I know it doesn't excuse our behavior and I do keep what other posters wrote in mind. While I don't think he had vile intentions in keeping me posted that night, I realize the ramifications. I have been thinking really seriously about all the comments written in this thread.

 

That said, I am sorry members here are arguing and attacking each other on this thread. I value each comment here. Some of them may be hard to take but I do value them.

 

OP, (forgive me if I missed this) but have you ever been married or had a child? If you have or haven't, can you not possibly put your self in this woman's shoes for a bit? Forgetting the betrayal (sleeping with you) for a minute, chatting you up and posting pics while she is in labor is beyond despicable. Can you not have some empathy for her? Can you not imagine you being married to this POS and him treating you the exact same way he's treating her? I'd start there.

 

It always amazes me that humans can accept poor treatment of others (in this case infidelity) and cannot fathom that the exact same thing you're so willing for another to accept, is something that you'd be outraged over when it happened to you.

 

This man is not your friend. He's a loser.

[spookysonata]

Working on ending the romantic aspect of the friendship???

This sounds like a justification. Like you think you can be "just friends" with this creep. Do yourself a favor, read the book NOT"Just Friends". It's like you acknowledge this situation is all kinds of wrong but you don't want to cut him out of your life because it would be hard and sad. Get a new job. Walk away. Leave them alone. If he were a true friend he would NEVER have made you the OW.

[GoldieLox]

Thanks for this. First and foremost, MM and my friendship comes first, above any romantic relationship. I am working hard on ending the romantic aspect of it. If that doesn'the work, then I will make the hard decision to switch jobs or end communication.

 

Your friendship with your MM does not exist anymore. It is now enmeshed into an affair. You will never be able to be just friends with this man without any romantic/sexual component to it. There are a few (I can think of 2, honestly) posters here who are friends with their xMM, but they even keep them at a distance. They do not see them everyday, work with them everyday, talk to them everyday. It will be virtually impossible for you to be friends with him while being in such close contact with him daily.

[Quiet Storm]

Sorry I have to add to my already long post....

 

 

First and foremost, MM and my friendship comes first

 

 

This is another problem. Most of us have standards for those we choose to be friends with. If our friends make choices like cheating on a pregnant wife, sending GF baby pics of the new baby... true friends would say "What are you doing, dude? Get a grip!" And if a friend continued to behave like a cheating, lying ass, we would choose to distance ourselves from them. Most people don't think dishonest, sneaky behavior are good qualities for a friendship, you know? Most people see those traits as red flags and think "I should NOT be friends with this person".

 

In your situation, a true friend would say "Why are getting involved with a married guy with a kid? Not only that, but a guy you work with! That's not too smart, for your heart or your career!" So if MM was really a true friend to you, he would stop this for your own good. He wouldn't want you getting a reputation at work, he wouldn't want to risk you falling for him when he knows he's never leaving, he wouldn't want to add stress and drama to your life. But MM's not considering the consequences for you, he's just feeding off your attraction for him. He's not being a good friend to you.

 

So it's not just about your man picker, you need to figure out what traits and qualities matter to you, whether it's in a friend or a boyfriend. There is a saying, when you lie down with dogs you get fleas. And although I love dogs and wish they would've chosen a different animal for this saying, the message is clear- you will get dirty if you have close relationships with dirty people. If you choose to associate with losers, you'll lose.

 

Your idea of what is a "good person worthy of my friendship" is very skewed. Maybe you grew up in an environment where everyone lied & cheated, so you think this is normal? Maybe you think friends are just people you hang with and their personalities are meaningless? Maybe you crave attention so much that it doesn't matter where it's coming from? Maybe you think he's only a jerk to his wife and would never be this way to you? These are just ideas that may or not be true. I'm just offering some common reasons for why the negative character traits of your friends/ boyfriends don't set off the "STAY AWAY" warning bells that happen for most people, and why you still consider this man worthy of friendship.

 

I'm know it doesn't seem that way, but I'm really not trying to be hard on you. I'm trying to help you be introspective, so that you aren't just being led around by feelings that you don't understand. So that you can gain insight, and choose to surround yourself with positive people that will add to your life, not drag you down.