MM is my coworker; his wife was pregnant

[jellybean89]

My question to the thread starter is how did you feel getting texts from a man whose wife was in labor? Did it make you feel good to know he was texting you as she was bringing life into this world? Did it make you feel superior to her that you were hearing from her husband when he should have been focused in his wife and child? Did it make you feel wanted?

 

This "man" (and I use that term very loosely) is a sh*tty husband and an even worse father. He is a sperm donor and a self centered *********. How you can even like him is outrageous to me. His ACTIONS show you how selfish and repugnant he is.

 

If that is how he treats his wife, the mother of his child and his child, why in the hell would you want anything to do with him? There is no way you can justify what he has done. I hope his wife checks his cell phone and sees what he was doing. I hope she takes pictures of it and I hope one day his child sees it so that child can see what a crappy "man" he is. He couldn't be bothered to focus on the child he helped create because he was too busy making sure his mistress want "sad" that his wife was giving birth to his child. How can you, as a woman, not feel disgust at his actions? I. Don't. Get. It.

[Sassy Girl]

I also think its hypcritical. I believe this is mainly a gender issue. As MW in affairs its easier to idenify with the pregnant woman. While having done things to your own husband that is at least on par with what he has done.

 

I don't expect to make many friends with this comment, but honestly its the nature of the beast. What I did wasn't so bad, what your doing is horrible. Even when its the same?

I think you'll find that both the WW and BW in this instance are equally as horrified because it is more heinous...I don't expect you to get it - you've never given birth.

 

 

Yep, its all horrible, but on scales of horribleness, this takes the cake... You hear it all the time. The BS more horrified because he did when trying for a baby/pregnant/in the delivery room.

 

 

But like I said - you'll never get it. I don't expect you to. It just is.

[Sassy Girl]

Thanks for this. First and foremost, MM and my friendship comes first, above any romantic relationship. I am working hard on ending the romantic aspect of it. If that doesn'the work, then I will make the hard decision to switch jobs or end communication.

 

MM did send the same photos to the office mailing list and posted them on FB as well. I happen to be the first to know. I know it doesn't excuse our behavior and I do keep what other posters wrote in mind. While I don't think he had vile intentions in keeping me posted that night, I realize the ramifications. I have been thinking really seriously about all the comments written in this thread.

 

That said, I am sorry members here are arguing and attacking each other on this thread. I value each comment here. Some of them may be hard to take but I do value them.

 

 

Look, I'm a WW, so can't throw stones as to the affair aspect, but you're kidding yourself if you think you can still have the friendship. That old friendship dies when you crossed the line. It is, and will always be an ongoing affair as long as you are in contact.

 

 

Unfortunately I'm also a mother, sop no free passes from me as to the conduct of your behaviour engaging in your affair during the most inappropriate and opportunistic times. One day, when you are pregnant with your own child you will get it... and then have to face your own behaviour. Might as well start on that now, don't you think?

[Lurkeraspect]

Sorry I have to add to my already long post....

 

 

 

 

 

This is another problem. Most of us have standards for those we choose to be friends with. If our friends make choices like cheating on a pregnant wife, sending GF baby pics of the new baby... true friends would say "What are you doing, dude? Get a grip!" And if a friend continued to behave like a cheating, lying ass, we would choose to distance ourselves from them. Most people don't think dishonest, sneaky behavior are good qualities for a friendship, you know? Most people see those traits as red flags and think "I should NOT be friends with this person".

 

In your situation, a true friend would say "Why are getting involved with a married guy with a kid? Not only that, but a guy you work with! That's not too smart, for your heart or your career!" So if MM was really a true friend to you, he would stop this for your own good. He wouldn't want you getting a reputation at work, he wouldn't want to risk you falling for him when he knows he's never leaving, he wouldn't want to add stress and drama to your life. But MM's not considering the consequences for you, he's just feeding off your attraction for him. He's not being a good friend to you.

 

So it's not just about your man picker, you need to figure out what traits and qualities matter to you, whether it's in a friend or a boyfriend. There is a saying, when you lie down with dogs you get fleas. And although I love dogs and wish they would've chosen a different animal for this saying, the message is clear- you will get dirty if you have close relationships with dirty people. If you choose to associate with losers, you'll lose.

 

Your idea of what is a "good person worthy of my friendship" is very skewed. Maybe you grew up in an environment where everyone lied & cheated, so you think this is normal? Maybe you think friends are just people you hang with and their personalities are meaningless? Maybe you crave attention so much that it doesn't matter where it's coming from? Maybe you think he's only a jerk to his wife and would never be this way to you? These are just ideas that may or not be true. I'm just offering some common reasons for why the negative character traits of your friends/ boyfriends don't set off the "STAY AWAY" warning bells that happen for most people, and why you still consider this man worthy of friendship.

 

I'm know it doesn't seem that way, but I'm really not trying to be hard on you. I'm trying to help you be introspective, so that you aren't just being led around by feelings that you don't understand. So that you can gain insight, and choose to surround yourself with positive people that will add to your life, not drag you down.

 

Please read this OP. Over and over again.

 

This man is not your friend.

[TaintedLuv]

Hi OP,

 

I'm you- seven years from now. Guess where I am with my MM and the A? In a deep dark tragic vicious cycle somewhere in the outskirts of hell-I imagine.

 

I was 25 when I met my MM. Single and whole. He was 27, no kids and "unhappily" married for two years when we met. We started off as friends then grew closer and almost a year later it turned physical. Of course like I fool, I fell for all the same things. You know how we have a "connection" like no other, in love, best friends, perfect except he's married and can't stand his wife, etc. Blah Blah blah. We tried to stop numerous times. He considered leaving but didn't. Restart vicious cycle over and over. Five years into the A, he decided his wife deserves a child because he "owes" it to her because he felt guilty. I was devastated when it finally happened. I thought he'd stop and come to his senses. Two years since i found out, he's still around. Giving me less than ever and actually has the audacity to want to share things about his child and things he feels like he can't discuss with this child's mother. He tried to show me pictures or discuss concerns about his child. Because I'm his "best friend". The friend he had no problem hurting and betraying that he supposedly loves.

 

I've tried to date. I have lost almost all faith in men. I have lost any hope of a future for myself. I don't even think about marriage or children anymore. I can't even imagine it happening if I tried. He's robbed me of precious years. I'm older. Less desirable to men now. I'm just an empty shell of a person I was before this "friendship" began. We all tell ourselves it's wrong and we should stop but this is what's in store for you too if you don't save yourself. A life of misery.

[spookysonata]

Hi OP,

 

I'm you- seven years from now. Guess where I am with my MM and the A? In a deep dark tragic vicious cycle somewhere in the outskirts of hell-I imagine.

 

I was 25 when I met my MM. Single and whole. He was 27, no kids and "unhappily" married for two years when we met. We started off as friends then grew closer and almost a year later it turned physical. Of course like I fool, I fell for all the same things. You know how we have a "connection" like no other, in love, best friends, perfect except he's married and can't stand his wife, etc. Blah Blah blah. We tried to stop numerous times. He considered leaving but didn't. Restart vicious cycle over and over. Five years into the A, he decided his wife deserves a child because he "owes" it to her because he felt guilty. I was devastated when it finally happened. I thought he'd stop and come to his senses. Two years since i found out, he's still around. Giving me less than ever and actually has the audacity to want to share things about his child and things he feels like he can't discuss with this child's mother. He tried to show me pictures or discuss concerns about his child. Because I'm his "best friend". The friend he had no problem hurting and betraying that he supposedly loves.

 

I've tried to date. I have lost almost all faith in men. I have lost any hope of a future for myself. I don't even think about marriage or children anymore. I can't even imagine it happening if I tried. He's robbed me of precious years. I'm older. Less desirable to men now. I'm just an empty shell of a person I was before this "friendship" began. We all tell ourselves it's wrong and we should stop but this is what's in store for you too if you don't save yourself. A life of misery.

 

So you're still "with" him? That's a sad story, and even sadder if you're continuing a farcical relationship with someone else's husband.

He should have either divorced her and had a legit relationship with you, or stopped treating you like the wife (discussing concerns about his child, REALLY!?) and started paying attention to his actual wife.

But I feel sorriest for her. She's the one in the dark. You could get out anytime. And please, not all men are like this POS. Maybe you missed out on some good ones while you were playing pretend.

Food for thought.

[aninnymouse]

Hi OP,

 

I'm you- seven years from now. Guess where I am with my MM and the A? In a deep dark tragic vicious cycle somewhere in the outskirts of hell-I imagine.

 

I was 25 when I met my MM. Single and whole. He was 27, no kids and "unhappily" married for two years when we met. We started off as friends then grew closer and almost a year later it turned physical. Of course like I fool, I fell for all the same things. You know how we have a "connection" like no other, in love, best friends, perfect except he's married and can't stand his wife, etc. Blah Blah blah. We tried to stop numerous times. He considered leaving but didn't. Restart vicious cycle over and over. Five years into the A, he decided his wife deserves a child because he "owes" it to her because he felt guilty. I was devastated when it finally happened. I thought he'd stop and come to his senses. Two years since i found out, he's still around. Giving me less than ever and actually has the audacity to want to share things about his child and things he feels like he can't discuss with this child's mother. He tried to show me pictures or discuss concerns about his child. Because I'm his "best friend". The friend he had no problem hurting and betraying that he supposedly loves.

 

I've tried to date. I have lost almost all faith in men. I have lost any hope of a future for myself. I don't even think about marriage or children anymore. I can't even imagine it happening if I tried. He's robbed me of precious years. I'm older. Less desirable to men now. I'm just an empty shell of a person I was before this "friendship" began. We all tell ourselves it's wrong and we should stop but this is what's in store for you too if you don't save yourself. A life of misery.

 

Tainted, thank you so much for your reply. It really helps knowing there is someone out there in a similar situation. I have not read through all your threads but will do so tonight to find out more about your story.

 

The past few days since I started this thread has been tough. MM and I had a serious discussion about the state of our affair. I told him how much he has been hurting me and all the points brought up in this thread. I also asked him about his thoughts. There was a lot of crying between the two of us. He thought he was making me happy but I told him I could never be completely in this situation. I will not cling onto false hope.

 

We will have another discussion on how to end things and how we should communicate at work later on. While I could completely go no contact, these discussions do help me get more clarity out of the situation. He needs to know that he is being selfish, childish, and cowardly. And I deserve to know what he is thinking. I hope one day he will tell his wife too.

 

It is a tough process and I cannot guarantee I will be able to do it in one shot. I cannot guarantee I won't relaspe. But I am tryino my best - hanging out with friends, watching sappy movies, etc. I am young and I don't want to throw my good years away.

[carhill]

While I could completely go no contact, these discussions do help me get more clarity out of the situation.

I'll jump in here as a fOM and fMM and opine that 'getting more clarity' about the situation went a long ways to 'finishing business' and, for my psychology anyway, finishing business was key to moving on in a healthy way and not having any residual 'what if's' or lingering emotions. In that regard, MC (marital counseling) was a godsend, providing concrete tools to finishing business and communication was paramount amongst them.

[Timshel]

Tainted, thank you so much for your reply. It really helps knowing there is someone out there in a similar situation. I have not read through all your threads but will do so tonight to find out more about your story.

 

The past few days since I started this thread has been tough. MM and I had a serious discussion about the state of our affair. I told him how much he has been hurting me and all the points brought up in this thread. I also asked him about his thoughts. There was a lot of crying between the two of us. He thought he was making me happy but I told him I could never be completely in this situation. I will not cling onto false hope.

 

We will have another discussion on how to end things and how we should communicate at work later on. While I could completely go no contact, these discussions do help me get more clarity out of the situation. He needs to know that he is being selfish, childish, and cowardly. And I deserve to know what he is thinking. I hope one day he will tell his wife too.

 

It is a tough process and I cannot guarantee I will be able to do it in one shot. I cannot guarantee I won't relaspe. But I am tryino my best - hanging out with friends, watching sappy movies, etc. I am young and I don't want to throw my good years away.

 

It is not your job to inform him that he is an a**hole.

You do not deserve to know what he is thinking, his wife deserves that.

You hope that he tells his wife, "one day."

 

I sincerely hope that if he stays married that she never, ever finds out what he has done to her.

I hope her own instincts tell her she is done with him and that she never finds out his depravity. After all, even after she leaves him, she still has to co-parent.

 

Your "job" OP is for yourself to understand how selfish, childish and cowardly he is and to do the right thing for YOU.

[Standard-Fare]

I'm going to repeat some advice I gave earlier in this thread:

 

Get out of this job.

 

Doesn't matter if you have to take a paycut, you have to shift your job description a little, or it requires relocating. (The latter in fact would probably be a good idea.)

 

You're young and you're not supporting a family. You have a lot of flexibility. You shouldn't feel tied to this or ANY job.

 

You're not going to be able to extricate yourself successfully from this mess with the MM if it continues to be a daily part of your life. Being in a new environment without him would do you a world of good. Fresh start.

 

I really hope you consider that seriously.

[aliveagain]

Get yourself as far away from this man as possible. One day when you have your first experience with motherhood you will understand the true damage. This child is a miracle and having it's birth associated with the fathers infidelity and possible breakup of his/her family will be very hard to overcome. Why are you chasing a man that would do this to his family, if he can do it to her he won't have any trouble doing it to you. Is this someone you want your parents to meet? Get out of your old relationship before you start a new one.

[spookysonata]

Dude. Just end it. It doesn't have to be some long drawn out drama with weeping and proclamations of undying love. Cut him off and walk away. What you're both doing is beyond selfish.

[georgia girl]

You need to end it. Tamping it down, going back to being friends... all of that stuff is just an out to keep the emotional affair going. The fact is that you are not friends any longer. You both destroyed that friendship when you crossed the line. You can't undo it. The friendship must end. For everyone's sake. Think about it. How many ex-boyfriends are you really friends with?

 

 

Next time, set clearer boundaries and remember what it feels like to lose a friend over something like this. It will help you make better choices when you fully understand the consequences.

 

 

But truly, there is no friendship. You both destroyed it.

[HereNorThere]

I think one of the biggest things that you do not understand is that dating someone who is somewhat "unavailable" creates a false sense of longing that wouldn't exist in a real relationship. This feeling of scarcity is what is driving you to such cruel, evil behavior. I can assure you, this is an itch you cannot scratch. Even if you had a magic wand and could wipe his other life away without hurting anyone, all you'd be left with is a horrible, horrible man who is willing to cheat on his wife and child.

 

Ever see someone doing something unhealthy and wonder why they would do that to themselves (i.e. smoking, drinking and driving, etc?) Because that's the way everyone here is looking at you. "Like, how could a normal human become such a monster?" It's an addiction, plain and simple.

 

And to add, this is also quite unfair to your next partner because whether you know it or not, they'll eventually find out as well. Now you have to help your next partner deal with the fact they are dating a cheater. It's viscous cycle that could very well have stained you for life.

[privategal]

I couldn't get through reading all the comments but I feel the best option would be to not chase someone off the boards who came in earnest to share a very vulnerable situation. It doesn't take 10 people to tell her he/she are bad people.

Tell her your pain, your experience, your trauma and support her in moving on but the lynching is so strong. We all kmow when someone is in love and in the fog they dont see clearly they want so bad to win at this, its horrendous parting ways with the love, some are able to block their APs spouse out to help ease guilt. The whole thing is these affairs are all a mess and when your suffocating in one and cant find strength to leave, its the darkest place. Give her support calmly but too many people leave these boards who are pushed out by horrible remarks and badgering. They could have been helped.

[HereNorThere]

I couldn't get through reading all the comments but I feel the best option would be to not chase someone off the boards who came in earnest to share a very vulnerable situation. It doesn't take 10 people to tell her he/she are bad people.

Tell her your pain, your experience, your trauma and support her in moving on but the lynching is so strong. We all kmow when someone is in love and in the fog they dont see clearly they want so bad to win at this, its horrendous parting ways with the love, some are able to block their APs spouse out to help ease guilt. The whole thing is these affairs are all a mess and when your suffocating in one and cant find strength to leave, its the darkest place. Give her support calmly but too many people leave these boards who are pushed out by horrible remarks and badgering. They could have been helped.

 

When you see someone committing such heinous, vile, humiliating crimes against the most vulnerable people in our society (pregnant women and babies), the last thing you should do is offer support. This poster needs to hear the TRUTH of what she's doing, not be coddled and fed with crappy excuses and rationalizations. You would say something if you saw her walk up and kick the child, but what she's doing is 100x times worse.

 

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. -

Edmund Burke

[jellybean89]

Tainted, thank you so much for your reply. It really helps knowing there is someone out there in a similar situation. I have not read through all your threads but will do so tonight to find out more about your story.

 

The past few days since I started this thread has been tough. MM and I had a serious discussion about the state of our affair. I told him how much he has been hurting me and all the points brought up in this thread. I also asked him about his thoughts. There was a lot of crying between the two of us. He thought he was making me happy but I told him I could never be completely in this situation. I will not cling onto false hope.

 

We will have another discussion on how to end things and how we should communicate at work later on. While I could completely go no contact, these discussions do help me get more clarity out of the situation. He needs to know that he is being selfish, childish, and cowardly. And I deserve to know what he is thinking. I hope one day he will tell his wife too.

 

It is a tough process and I cannot guarantee I will be able to do it in one shot. I cannot guarantee I won't relaspe. But I am tryino my best - hanging out with friends, watching sappy movies, etc. I am young and I don't want to throw my good years away.

 

So you had a discussion about what a jerk he is (I am sure you didn't use that word) and what a coward he is (again, my word, not yours) and what the two of you are doing to his wife and his child is reprehensible (again, my word). You both cried. Did you have sex after this discussion?

 

The next discussion will be on how to end the affair. That will also involve tears again I assume. Probably one last romp too. Then you will go to work and make sad eyes at him and he will cry and you two will have sex again...and discuss again how your behaviors are wrong on every level.

 

Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

FYI - you aren't "owed" anything. You willingly chose an affair. No excuses can be made to justify your actions. He deserves nothing - I hope his wife DOES find out and kicks his sorry butt to the curb and takes all she can from him. Then, YOU can have him! You will get him by default, because as he has shown you, you aren't his priority. I am just stunned at the behavior of two 'adults' and their selfishness. You don't seem to care or understand or grasp the destruction you have played a part in. I think it is due to immaturity, yet someone doesn't have to be a rocket scientist to know the difference between right and wrong.

[whichwayisup]

Please start looking for another job.

 

We will have another discussion on how to end things and how we should communicate at work later on. While I could completely go no contact, these discussions do help me get more clarity out of the situation. He needs to know that he is being selfish, childish, and cowardly. And I deserve to know what he is thinking. I hope one day he will tell his wife too.

 

He isn't going to tell his wife anything.

 

He KNOWS he's being selfish, childish and cowardly. You can tell him and he can apologize to you, but it doesn't change anything. He won't change. Only you can change..Stay far away from him and allow yourself to let go, grieve the loss. Get counseling if need be. This man has a life built with someone else, a child now, no way is he going to walk away from all that. Ever.

 

It is a tough process and I cannot guarantee I will be able to do it in one shot. I cannot guarantee I won't relaspe. But I am tryino my best - hanging out with friends, watching sappy movies, etc. I am young and I don't want to throw my good years away.

 

Then hold yourself accountable and make yourself a promise. That you will not let this affair and him RUIN you or any future happiness with someone else. You are young and have so much life to live. DO NOT let him steal that away from you. Be strong and continue reaching out to friends, keep busy and focus on you.

[Standard-Fare]

I don't think some of these latest posts attacking the OP are helpful. This isn't a debate about the morality of affairs. I think we can all agree that they're "wrong," but only a simplistic mind can reduce it to those black and white terms. The rest of us acknowledge that love can be complex, messy, and beyond one's rational control.

 

That doesn't change the fact that the OP needs to get the f*ck out of this situation. But she does seem like a self-aware person who recognizes her mistakes and knows what needs to happen.

[aninnymouse]

For the record, I have never had sex with him. And I am going through the process of ending things before it gets further. We talked in the cafeteria at work. Unless we plan on having sex on the table in front of 100 people, I don't see it ever happening. We are picking public places to meet. An emotional affair is very much an affair as a physical one, but just because I called it an affair, people assumed we have slept together. I have voiced several times we have not.

 

But it seems posters here are assuming the worst of me before even reading through my posts. I already admit to wrongdoing and making an active effort. I found myself in a bad situation and I want to get out of it. I am asking for advice. What I need is help, not for people to kick me while I am down.

 

Like I said, I really appreciate all the comments. I know some of you genuinely want me out of this situation. But for the ones that are attacking me, it seems the only purpose is to hurt me even more.

Edited January 30, 2015 by aninnymouse

[spookysonata]

For the record, I have never had sex with him. And I am going through the process of ending things before it gets further. We talked in the cafeteria at work. Unless we plan on having sex on the table in front of 100 people, I don't see it ever happening. We are picking public places to meet. An emotional affair is very much an affair as a physical one, but just because I called it an affair, people assumed we have slept together. I have voiced several times we have not.

 

But it seems posters here are assuming the worst of me before even reading through my posts. I already admit to wrongdoing and making an active effort. I found myself in a bad situation and I want to get out of it. I am asking for advice. What I need is help, not for people to kick me while I am down.

 

Like I said, I really appreciate all the comments. I know some of you genuinely want me out of this situation. But for the ones that are attacking me, it seems the only purpose is to hurt me even more.

 

You got advice: end it. It's not "a process", and those with more experience are reading your comments as you dragging your feet. Tell him, it's over. Never contact me again. Then get a new job and go NC with him.

It always amazes me when people come here for advice then cry foul when the advice is not what they want to hear, or shows them what their behavior looks like from the outside.

[CarrieT]

And I am going through the process of ending things before it gets further.

There is no PROCESS.

 

You simply end it.

 

Period.

 

End of sentence.

 

Tell him to leave you alone and do not contact you ever again.