What do I do

[Big Irish]

I'm a mid 30's guy, medium height and a fairly muscular build. I've been married for 5 years now and I have 2 children. My wife has pretty much given up on our relationship (meaning she doesn't take care of herself). While I've tried to keep our physical relationship going she just doesn't care. I work out every day and try to keep in good shape. She has let herself go to the point where we had to buy her a new wardrobe because nothing fit her anymore. She's now 40lbs heavier than when we met, it doesn't matter how hard I try she won't make love to me. Other than that though our relationship is good! We communicate well, we get along and have very similar interests.

 

this whole thing is killing me!! I want physical interaction, but she says that she is ashamed of how she looks and doesn't want to make love! What do I do?????

 

I've paid for gym memberships and she doesn't use them. Bought her new running shoes and they are still in the box! I bought her an excersize bike and it has dust on it!

 

I don't want to cheat on her (even though I have had chances). I've been cheated on before and I've never hurt like that in my life. So I don't want to go there. But I don't want to leave her out of fear of what it might do to my children.

 

I'm looking for advice from anyone who has been in my shoes! Please!

[smackie9]

It's a matter of change of lifestyle. Plan outings with the kids that involve pushing the stroller through trails/ park on nice days, go on day trips hiking/exploring/camping, etc.

 

Not everyone likes to go to a gym/workout....it's damn boring, and feeling the pain/grind is very unappealing and it can be discouraging. By making it fun, and involving the whole family it won't feel like a chore.

 

Also involve yourself in the grocery shopping/ cooking, planning meals with her. Get on the net and look up heart healthy recipes, and try something new....simple as making soups.

 

I know that exercise and a healthy diet, sexual interest increases, so start with the basics first and see how that goes. If she still sufferers from depression and self image issues, seek out a family/marriage counselor.

[Davey L]

Just a thought. You seem quite focussed on her physical appearance and weight. Each time you mention it, directly or indirectly eg by mentioning gym membership, you make her feel less attractive and that you are interested more in her body than in who she is. This might put her off sex a bit.

 

My wife put on quite a bit of weight some years ago. I still desired her though, and would do whatever she looked like, because she's my wife and I love her. I would never make any adverse comment about her size but I did encourage her to do some activities with me, on the grounds that I wanted to do stuff together. I tried to think of physical activities that she would enjoy and made like I wanted to do it and wanted her with me.

 

It helped and she is in pretty good shape these days.

[Big Irish]

Just a thought. You seem quite focussed on her physical appearance and weight. Each time you mention it, directly or indirectly eg by mentioning gym membership, you make her feel less attractive and that you are interested more in her body than in who she is. This might put her off sex a bit.

 

My wife put on quite a bit of weight some years ago. I still desired her though, and would do whatever she looked like, because she's my wife and I love her. I would never make any adverse comment about her size but I did encourage her to do some activities with me, on the grounds that I wanted to do stuff together. I tried to think of physical activities that she would enjoy and made like I wanted to do it and wanted her with me.

 

It helped and she is in pretty good shape these days.

 

You're correct in that I believe it is all about her weight. Mainly because that's what she attriubutes her lack of sexual desire from. She has told me on more than 1 occasion that even though I tell her "Your Beautiful" she still doesn't feel that way.

 

I have tried getting her active by including her in activities, but as I mentioned above she doesn't want to! I got everyone in the family new bikes and a bike rack for our vehicle so we can go on familiy bike rides, but she refuses. I asked her to start playing outside with the kids & I (we play outside for atleast 1 hour a day). But she only wants to sit in the house and watch TV.

 

I'm at a loss. I try to be encouraging and supportive, but it just seems to me she has given up! I just don't know what to do. I appreciate these suggestions, but I have tried ALL of them. Except for counselling.

[Chi townD]

If I had to take a guess, I think you need to get her to a counselor. I'm betting that she's suffering some sort of depression. Sex drive in the toilet, lack of motivation to go out and do anything and she may be comfort eating. I speculate that her drinking level has increased a little? Just a guess.

 

 

But, yeah. Might be depression.

[smackie9]

Ya it's probably depression, which is common for women after the birth of their children. Depression can have physical effects like pain, fatuge, etc, and it can also hurt the people around them. She needs to seek out medical help, and see if she needs to start drug therapy.

[kendahke]

I'm a mid 30's guy, medium height and a fairly muscular build. I've been married for 5 years now and I have 2 children. My wife has pretty much given up on our relationship (meaning she doesn't take care of herself). While I've tried to keep our physical relationship going she just doesn't care. I work out every day and try to keep in good shape. She has let herself go to the point where we had to buy her a new wardrobe because nothing fit her anymore. She's now 40lbs heavier than when we met, it doesn't matter how hard I try she won't make love to me. Other than that though our relationship is good! We communicate well, we get along and have very similar interests.

 

this whole thing is killing me!! I want physical interaction, but she says that she is ashamed of how she looks and doesn't want to make love! What do I do?????

 

I've paid for gym memberships and she doesn't use them. Bought her new running shoes and they are still in the box! I bought her an excersize bike and it has dust on it!

 

I don't want to cheat on her (even though I have had chances). I've been cheated on before and I've never hurt like that in my life. So I don't want to go there. But I don't want to leave her out of fear of what it might do to my children.

 

I'm looking for advice from anyone who has been in my shoes! Please!

 

Instead of paying for a gym membership, you need to pay for a therapist and for a medical check up. She sounds as if she's battling depression. She has to address whatever it is that is causing her to go down this path and it may be that she's dealing with depression.

 

If she won't go do that, then give her the choice of the next appointment you make: to a therapist or to a lawyer. It is highly unfair of her to expect for you to remain celibate for the rest of your life because she won't go find out what is causing her to behave as she is.

 

While depression may be at the root of all of this, nonetheless, she is taking advantage of the situation while shattering her vow of cherishing you---and to cherish means you do not willfully engage in a behavior that you know causes your spouse emotional duress. It's as destructive as cheating, hence it being 1 of the 4 vows you both agreed to when you got married. The four vows--to love, to honor, to cherish and to remain faithful--are the 4 pillars upon which the foundation of a marriage rests. When you take a sledgehammer to one, it's a matter of time before the foundation crashes to the floor in a million pieces. And we all know that once something is shattered, it is never returned to its pristine condition.

[Big Irish]

Instead of paying for a gym membership, you need to pay for a therapist and for a medical check up. She sounds as if she's battling depression. She has to address whatever it is that is causing her to go down this path and it may be that she's dealing with depression.

 

If she won't go do that, then give her the choice of the next appointment you make: to a therapist or to a lawyer. It is highly unfair of her to expect for you to remain celibate for the rest of your life because she won't go find out what is causing her to behave as she is.

 

While depression may be at the root of all of this, nonetheless, she is taking advantage of the situation while shattering her vow of cherishing you---and to cherish means you do not willfully engage in a behavior that you know causes your spouse emotional duress. It's as destructive as cheating, hence it being 1 of the 4 vows you both agreed to when you got married. The four vows--to love, to honor, to cherish and to remain faithful--are the 4 pillars upon which the foundation of a marriage rests. When you take a sledgehammer to one, it's a matter of time before the foundation crashes to the floor in a million pieces. And we all know that once something is shattered, it is never returned to its pristine condition.

 

Thank you for this very sound advice. I will talk with her this weekend (when are alone without kids) and suggest therapy. I've avoided this topic because if they recommend medication, she will back away from the situation. She hates any kind of "drugs" because of her mothers addicition to various types of drugs. She has developed a phobia of ALL medications, even asprin!

 

None the less I will recommend it and if she refuses I guess I will have no choice but to give her the ultimatum of (do it or I leave!). I just love her sooooo much, I wish I could just fix it!

[ComingInHot]

Thank you for this very sound advice. I will talk with her this weekend (when are alone without kids) and suggest therapy. I've avoided this topic because if they recommend medication, she will back away from the situation. She hates any kind of "drugs" because of her mothers addicition to various types of drugs. She has developed a phobia of ALL medications, even asprin!

 

None the less I will recommend it and if she refuses I guess I will have no choice but to give her the ultimatum of (do it or I leave!). I just love her sooooo much, I wish I could just fix it!

 

 

I read this and I sincerely hurt for you!

And I hurt for your wife. Depression can be debilitating and it can sneak up on someone slowly without them even knowing it until they are in over their heads.

But at some point, when you have truly exhausted every single avenue of support and help and love, the person will either want to get help or won't. That leaves you with some heartbreaking decisions that still may be healthier for you and your kids in the long run.

 

Sometimes a Promise (don't use the word ultimatum) to follow through with something is enough to light a fire underneath ones a$$ to encourage a change.

But please don't promise anything you don't intend to deliver because that will only enable her in the future.

 

Best wishes for a healthy Marriage*

CiH

[smackie9]

Not all therapy will be with drugs, but with counseling and a simple change of diet can turn things around. Since she has some childhood trama with her mother's drug addiction, maybe this is a chance for her to work on that. Usually behavior in adulthood is dictated by what has happen in childhood. It's something to look at. Maybe she is worried about failing as a mother herself.

[Chi townD]

Thank you for this very sound advice. I will talk with her this weekend (when are alone without kids) and suggest therapy. I've avoided this topic because if they recommend medication, she will back away from the situation. She hates any kind of "drugs" because of her mothers addicition to various types of drugs. She has developed a phobia of ALL medications, even asprin!

 

None the less I will recommend it and if she refuses I guess I will have no choice but to give her the ultimatum of (do it or I leave!). I just love her sooooo much, I wish I could just fix it!

 

 

 

You can "sort" of trick her into going. If you approach her and tell her that SHE'S the problem and is the nut case, and she needs to talk to a doctor or counselor. Is might get defensive to that approach and not go.

 

 

I would just tell her that you've made an appointment for BOTH of you to sit down and talk with someone. The two of you together as in a partnership. Gives her a sense of security knowing that she's not going through this alone. That you're BOTH addressing the problem TOGETHER! At the appointment, the counselor will be able to point out her depression and how the BOTH of you can tackle it together. Because this is a problem for BOTH of you. I mean, it's affecting you as well. So much so, that you came to an advice forum looking for help.

 

 

Make this about the two of you and not just her.

[kendahke]

Be prepared for her to say that she has no problem and the problem is you not leaving her alone to watch tv. If she is avoiding doing the things you've laid out in your earlier posts, she most likely will refuse to see a therapist or a doctor. As it is, she may be 40lbs overweight, but for her, her coping mechanisms are working for her---you're not bothering her for sex, she doesn't have to get off the couch or turn off the TV to go exercise--to her, there is no problem.

 

You may want to make an appointment for yourself so that you can have the tools available to handle her intransigence... it may be a while before you can articulate to her just how at your rope's end you are without it becoming a control game.

[Darren Steez]

Thank you for this very sound advice. I will talk with her this weekend (when are alone without kids) and suggest therapy. I've avoided this topic because if they recommend medication, she will back away from the situation. She hates any kind of "drugs" because of her mothers addicition to various types of drugs. She has developed a phobia of ALL medications, even asprin!

 

None the less I will recommend it and if she refuses I guess I will have no choice but to give her the ultimatum of (do it or I leave!). I just love her sooooo much, I wish I could just fix it!

 

She seems averse to all suggestions you try to make for her, almost like she's pushing back. But she needs to understand the severity of the situation and what she could possibly stand to lose.

 

Suggest the therapy but stress it's of vital importance to your marriage moving forward, you can tell her you love her but it's also important sometimes just to be brutally honest.

[Big Irish]

Be prepared for her to say that she has no problem and the problem is you not leaving her alone to watch tv. If she is avoiding doing the things you've laid out in your earlier posts, she most likely will refuse to see a therapist or a doctor. As it is, she may be 40lbs overweight, but for her, her coping mechanisms are working for her---you're not bothering her for sex, she doesn't have to get off the couch or turn off the TV to go exercise--to her, there is no problem.

 

You may want to make an appointment for yourself so that you can have the tools available to handle her intransigence... it may be a while before you can articulate to her just how at your rope's end you are without it becoming a control game.

 

This is something that I fear may happen when I bring up the topic of therapy. I did plan on suggesting that we Both go to therapy as mentioned above and try to avoid the "blame game" that we all fall into when in a relationship. But she may see the situation as there is no problem and if there is a problem it's mine alone and I should be going to therapy not her. We will see how it goes. But the hardest part of all of this is I truely love her. I do not want to make a "promise/ultimatium" because then I will have to follow through with it. To lose her would tear my world apart and I would do anything to keep that from happening.

 

I appreciate each and every piece of advice I've received! Thank you all for your input, you'll never know how much it has helped me!

[d0nnivain]

Can you "sneak" exercise into her life? By that I mean suggest the two of you go for a walk around the neighborhood after dinner. Get her moving.

 

I gained about 40 lbs since getting married & aging. I struggle with my new body all the time but it does help when DH tells me I'm still beautiful. I would be livid if he bought me a gym membership or running shoes as a hint.

[Javelin]

I don't want to put any stress on your situation, but I might as well chime in since I went through a similar situation. My ex-girlfriend let herself go, gained almost 80lbs, and cheated on me in the end. I was blind-sided by this, as we had a pretty stable relationship. Luckily, I wasn't married to her and ended the relationship soon after.

 

Since this is your wife, I would address this immediately. She needs help, and she obviously doesn't want it from you. Perhaps you can call a close friend or family member and see if they can help?

[Big Irish]

I thought I would give an update on my situation as everyone here was very supportive.

 

we finally had a chance to discuss everything this weekend. At first when I started talking I could see the anger in her eyes. But then as I continued I could see the anger fade and then sadness set in. She felt bad that she had let things go this far, but she was also mad at me for not coming to her sooner (which I had but I didn't bring that up). She also said that I was "superfiscal" and I wanted a barbie doll wife that she could never live up too! I saw this as a deverision tatic to change the direction of the conversation and make her out to be a victim.

 

End the end though she did say that she was going to try to take better care of herself and that "if it makes you feel better". She would go see a therapist, but that she absolutely would not take any medication!

 

I am not going to lie, I did not make any promises or ulitmatums to her regarding follow through. I just couldn't do it! To do that would mean that I have to follow through with it and I don't know that I have the heart. It's not about being alone (honestly I am not a bad looking guy and I'm sure I could get a date). It's just that I LOVE HER! I don't want to lose her and I will continue to fight for her as long as I can!

 

thanks again for all of the advice and kind words

[BeatsByDirk]

One other option.

I hate ultimatums for the reason OP said, you have to follow through.

Also both parties lose.

I prefer a plan of action that has forks in the road to deal with whatever path is taken.

First, I would declare my love as well as my overwhelming acceptance of physical change and imperfection.

I would them declare my unhappiness with the current situation and ask if she knows of a way that will improve it.

Next(if she has no way) I would bring forth an itemized list of everything you've done to improve the situation.

Lay out the next set of options: therapy, you get a girlfriend(not cheating, on the table, no lying or sneaking), divorce.

If she's not willing to do therapy/take medication/work out/bite the bullet and just start having regular sex/or grant you some leniency then it doesn't matter how much you love your wife if she gives up on you.

Me personally I refuse to sit there and watch my relationship die a slow death, I have too much self worth to let somebody waste my time when they aren't trying and I'm not getting what I need.