Cheating wife or girlfriend, how men get over the pain.

[Not_Mike]

I started out thinking that over time the pain would stop, but it has not. So I told my story on this forum, and got some excellent feedback. I think I have the answer and solution, for myself and maybe some others. No matter who, what, when, or why she cheated. It’s as simple as the fact, that she chose another man’s dlck over mine. Any sex before me, was before she had a choice of me. So my real problem was that I was emasculated, my self-esteem was destroyed, and my physical and mental well being was compromised. So the solution is to rebuild self-confidence. Start being selfish in a way that helps break the depression. My number one priority is going to be for me to feel better about myself. Go to the gym, grow my beard back, get new clothes, anything to feel better about myself. I would never revenge cheat. That brings a whole new level of stress, that I would never want again.

I did some searches on this forum and on google. I found some very common similarities of men that were the victims of cheating. Almost all that I found, visualize the sex act and have pain from it. I found in three separate posts, they questioned the size of their penis. In many of the posts, men questioned their sexual performance. I found in one other post, besides mine, where a man altered his appearance to feel more attractive. I also found in several posts that men no longer thought women were attracted to them.

[Not_Mike]

I don’t have as many friends, and they don’t text often. I have not been to the gym in years. I really thought I was happy. I thought everything was fine. I was waiting for these memories, and hurt, to just go away. But now I know its me. I have to fix me to get the memories to go away. I need to get back in the gym. I need to wear nice clothes again. She fell in love with my confidence. That is how I fix this.

Edited January 27, 2015 by Not_Mike
TMI :)

[Chi townD]

I don’t have as many friends, and they don’t text often. I have not been to the gym in years. I really thought I was happy. I thought everything was fine. I was waiting for these memories, and hurt, to just go away. But now I know its me. I have to fix me to get the memories to go away. I need to get back in the gym. I need to wear nice clothes again. She fell in love with my confidence. That is how I fix this.

 

 

 

 

Okay, so you're answering your own questions. The key is to keep busy! Make positive changes in your life. Oddly enough, sex for men is pretty much in the top three things of importance in the relationship. For women, not so much. I mean, they enjoy sex; but for them, it's only a small part of it for them.

 

 

Women were interviewed about their sex life with their affair partner and asked was the sex better with them than with your boyfriend or husband. Surprisingly a lot said absolutely not. Then, they were asked why they continued the affair then? Why did they continue to have sex with them? A lot said that it was to pacify them, to keep them interested and around so they can continue to get the complements and having them make her feel special and wanted. To continue to have them make her feel desired.

 

 

So, chances are, it wasn't your performance in the bedroom, it was you girlfriend being completely selfish and not communicating her wants and needs with you. So, she looked for it elsewhere. This was not your fault.

[Radu]

I started out thinking that over time the pain would stop, but it has not. So I told my story on this forum, and got some excellent feedback. I think I have the answer and solution, for myself and maybe some others. No matter who, what, when, or why she cheated. It’s as simple as the fact, that she chose another man’s dlck over mine. Any sex before me, was before she had a choice of me. So my real problem was that I was emasculated, my self-esteem was destroyed, and my physical and mental well being was compromised. So the solution is to rebuild self-confidence. Start being selfish in a way that helps break the depression. My number one priority is going to be for me to feel better about myself. Go to the gym, grow my beard back, get new clothes, anything to feel better about myself. I would never revenge cheat. That brings a whole new level of stress, that I would never want again.

I did some searches on this forum and on google. I found some very common similarities of men that were the victims of cheating. Almost all that I found, visualize the sex act and have pain from it. I found in three separate posts, they questioned the size of their penis. In many of the posts, men questioned their sexual performance. I found in one other post, besides mine, where a man altered his appearance to feel more attractive. I also found in several posts that men no longer thought women were attracted to them.

 

 

Exactly how i felt at the time it happened first.

 

I ended up medicating by trying desperately to get into another relationship ... it went very badly.

[Winterina]

I am all against any form of cheating and am often extreme about it. I know all about jealousy and obsessing.

BUT I told you in the other post, I think, that I do not see such big deal with this (it is a deal and can hurt but you are taking it to extreme). This is why: you have dated only for a month when people often make mistakes about their date's personality. That is how she must have thought you are an ahole that she does not want to be involved with... you went out with friends and partied with some chicks, who posted photos on FB, etc... She thought she got it all wrong about you and was very hurt. If she had bad experience with guys in the past this is something that would come naturally, to think you are just another guy who is going to hurt her. She did not want to put up with it. She did the next thing and spend a night with someone to kill the pain... she thought you were done at that point. You got back together and since then you had zero reasons not to trust her.

As a woman that had it all in life, I can tell you that stuff you are imagining is only in your head, not hers. Size of penis, performance, bla bla bla... A woman that is attracted to you and loves you will only see you and not give a red cent about anything from the past.

You MUST see a therapist. There are people that can help you get over this mentally.

I do not think that she cheated under the circumstances, and coming from me, this is huge thing to say. I always see cheating in slightest things... But this is not one of them. Finally, call it what you want, you have contributed to it so take some responsibility too... important part is that she is NOW with you and you know it is not her personality to cheat... So what do you think, what do you feel in your heart when you get rid of your insecurities, did she cheat or not? Don't let everyone convince you that she did, think and feel for yourself. Delete that fear in you and clear your mind and start living outside of your head. And then answer your own question - did she, would she, if she knew we were getting back together?

 

 

While I am here giving you courage to get over things, why don't you tell me if in a LDR where, while one person was buying a plane ticket to go see other person again (and spending all Christmas money on that), the guy she was going to see was taking another woman to theatre and drinks. Nothing physical or too emotional ever happened, there was only liking involved between him and that woman. He never told me until I found out. Is that cheating?

 

Is it cheating that I spent a night with his friend before we ever got together, because I thought he was not interested or that he was into someone else? A miscommunication.

 

 

He is trying to get over his thing and I am trying to get over mine, and he is doing better than me, a way better. I guess he is emotionally stronger or more rational.

 

 

I am giving you these examples because even people that do not really want those other people, only each other, sometimes miscommunicate. And mistakes can happen in those initial stages of getting to know each other. People do not open up to each other in time, do not confide and tell what is bothering them thinking they will come out as weak, etc. They get mad and think that they got it all wrong. They go for someone else, because they think they will not be together any more, to kill the pain. And when they get back together, they cannot go back and change things. Only convince their partners that the other thing meant nothing.

I would have much rather been that night with my partner but he had a friend who was all over him. He was very very late to respond to my invitation. He came over and talked to everyone, only later to me, but then his female friend was all over him and I did not know if they had something... So I was sad and there was this guy who was all over me...

Stuff happens. Hope you get over it Mike. She does not give a damn about his penis, she married you and loves you.

[loversquarrel]

I revenge cheated on my ex wife before I divorced her. It wasn't at all stressful for me as the point was to purposely get caught. The marriage was over for me when I discovered her infidelity. sometimes I wish I had just walked away, but I wanted her to feel the pain and embarrassment I felt.

[Not_Mike]

She did the next thing and spend a night with someone to kill the pain.

 

 

I understand and completely agree with you. I have forgiven her for her choice. I love her. But I haven’t forgiven myself. And until now, I didn’t know that I needed to forgive myself.

 

I think men and women handle it differently:

Women go after the other woman for stealing their man’s love.

Men go after themselves for their woman wanting sex with another man.

[Darren Steez]

I don’t have as many friends, and they don’t text often. I have not been to the gym in years. I really thought I was happy. I thought everything was fine. I was waiting for these memories, and hurt, to just go away. But now I know its me. I have to fix me to get the memories to go away. I need to get back in the gym. I need to wear nice clothes again. She fell in love with my confidence. That is how I fix this.

 

Brah, clothes and gym won't fix ya.

 

Imagine you went to the gym, got ripped to hell, wore the best threads looked like a million bucks and you met the hottest girl you've ever seen. Been with her for a couple of weeks and she starts looking at her phone constantly, getting texts at all hours. Now freeze it there.

 

How would you feel at that moment?

 

Ripped to hell, nice clothes but the old you is still in there and would probably feel really bad won't you?

 

I've been cheated on...twice. Felt like hell. Imagined all sorts and yes you feel like they are personally doing it to you..but thats the thing, they aren't.

 

It has nothing to do with you, they did it because they wanted to and are off living their lives as you are living yours. Once you can come to terms with that it's easier to move on. But I'm one of those people who thinks, why let someone have that much of an impact on my life, especially if they aren't in my life anymore.

 

A pretty stranger walks up to me and spits on me, sure I'd get pissed for a second but I wouldn't kneel on one knee and beg them to hear me out would I?

 

We meet strangers, form connections, fall in love or lust or whatever you want to call it, then they are gone. If they are worth remembering for the good they brought to you then go for it.

If they brought you nothing but pain and sorrow, why dwell on that?

 

Being cheated on sucks but it means I'm not naive anymore and my tolerance for BS is minuscule. I move forward almost like I have infidelity detecting superpowers I enjoy life and women, but the second it gets shifty buh bye!

 

Start to enjoy life. It's a fresh start for you.

[Winterina]

I understand and completely agree with you. I have forgiven her for her choice. I love her. But I haven’t forgiven myself. And until now, I didn’t know that I needed to forgive myself.

 

I think men and women handle it differently:

Women go after the other woman for stealing their man’s love.

Men go after themselves for their woman wanting sex with another man.

 

Happy to hear that! It can be hard to get over things in the head when patterns and associations are formed (I would be the first to know), but with every day reminder of whom she loves and whom do you love, it is all possible. Read about how to divert obsessive thoughts or something along those lines...

Be secure in how you look to her.

There is a stand up comedy on youtube by Daniel Sloss (pretty funny guy btw). He said something about his gf wanting to hear how she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Then he goes on saying...look, statistically speaking there are 3 billion women in the world... Pretty sure you are not the best looking one.

This is all so true. No matter how great you look, there will be at least 50 millions guys out there how will look better.

But here is the thing: nobody cares.

Woman that loves one guy out of 3 billion picked him and sees it all in him. As long as you take normal care of yourself and not let yourself go, I am sure you will see stuff on you that she never noticed or simply does not care.

Same thing with you - sure you know she is not the prettiest woman around, sure you see her physical flaws, but how do you feel about all that? You don't care. To you, she is perfect for you.

Subjectivity in physical appearance plays a huge role. It is called loving someone or being attracted to someone or whatever it is...

Good luck to both of you!