norudder Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Can PA be considered on the emotional abuse spectrum? Dont all marriages typically have some form of PA in them from time to time? When does it cross over? Has anyone ever had a PA spouse change? Link to post Share on other sites
Winterina Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Just yesterday I was talking to a friend... she said her husband used to be PA in the beginning and it took her a while to open him up... To let him know that he does not have to hide behind his insecurities, that he can actually talk to her and not feel that she will like him any less no matter what kind of weakness he has. People are PA because they are closed. Doooh... My bf opened me up in the same way and we no longer have any issues of me keeping things inside. So there are ways, yes... approach with love and explain things in a nice way, don't criticize... say how it makes you feel, how it feels like being pushed away and creates a distance. Some people you can do this successfully with but there are others too. They do not trust anyone, they are overly defensive, and PA is a way to hide themselves Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I lived with a very passive aggressive spouse. When it is constant and denied it is brutal. In some ways, the abuse is even more insidious because since it isn't "overt," you never really know whether you are being abused. It's its own form of gaslighting in a way. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I think it would depend on the specific example and the frequency. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I was told as a strategy to be passive aggressive with my mentally impaired son.....as a way to handle his behaviors......which are extremely bad at times./.....i have found with abusive people passive aggressive works......you are passive on the outside....but manipulating a certain response in them..by controlling your own reactions........the other way you can deal with abusive people if you are not passively inclined is to get the living crap beaten out of you for standing up...tried both...prefer being passive...i remain silent in the face of abuse...for self protection for myself and th eperson abusing me...i am no light weight in defense........if that is me being abusive.....then so be it...i know when to stand up......and sometimes it isnt appropriate to talk back....i am not going to escalate an argument to physical enforcement..... if i feel it is going that way...i take a passive aggressive stance based on my own experiences and intuition...is it manipulative ...yes.i stay silent in avoidance and defense if i cant redirect.......i dont want to have to take a hit...i hate being hit...i have to be ready to take one...so yes i am aggressive on the inside.........i manipulate my own safety by not projection aggression on the surface..i am prepared to fight or to take hits............one thing i have noticed about love shack is the continuation of posters who say passive aggressive is wrong...and to that i say...depends on the situation.....and the person you are with......deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 It is insidious. Now that I can identify it I dont feel so crazy but am left with deciding whether to stay married for the kids. I feel guilty wondering if its enough to justify divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 No, in my case it never got better, it got worse.... Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 It is insidious. Now that I can identify it I dont feel so crazy but am left with deciding whether to stay married for the kids. I feel guilty wondering if its enough to justify divorce? 'Staying married for the kids' tells them that it's ok to remain in a relationship like this, and not claim yourself a better future. It confirms to them that you aren't worthy of respect. In time they won't thank you for having subjected yourself to this, or them to one of life's potentially most valuable lessons. How to NOT put up with abuse, and avoid being a victim. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Passive aggressive people have the tendency to see themselves as victims. And when you see yourself as a victim, deep inside you think that everyone else is there to hurt you. There is hope if he gets over his self-centered view. But he first has to admit and to accept it. I could never keep a relationship with someone who is passive aggressive, I would not be able to trust them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I've heard this phrase a lot Passive Agressive, but never been sure what it actually means. What would the behaviour actually be like? Posters are describing Passive Agressive people here as if they are suffering like a mental illness, like schizophrenia. Isn't it actually a choice and not an illness? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 It is a choice. It can also become a very ingrained habit. Examples from my own situation would include him choosing to dig his heels in and stonewall with things he knew I needed. On the flip side, if he knew something upset me, he would subtly just keep in doing it. It's hard to describe. It's kind of a cowardly way to make a point or confront without actually being direct. And because they never "actually" came out and did "x", supposedly, they can feign ignorance or innocence. A lot of times it also goes hand in hand with the martyr complex. In either gender it's destructive, but in a man it is also highly highly unattractive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I've heard this phrase a lot Passive Agressive, but never been sure what it actually means. What would the behaviour actually be like? Posters are describing Passive Agressive people here as if they are suffering like a mental illness, like schizophrenia. Isn't it actually a choice and not an illness? jackslife, autumnnight, If you'd care to read this link, it explains things quite well. I'm sure we're all guilty of some minor, occasional characteristics of PA. However, one who sustains such behaviour, and even escalates it, as a constant and habitual form of response, and implements it frequently, describing a predictable engagement pattern, is likely to be PA. While it's not considered a mental illness, it's definitely recognised as a psychological behavioural trait in need of attention Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 .....A lot of times it also goes hand in hand with the martyr complex. In either gender it's destructive, but in a man it is also highly highly unattractive. And this is also a very good point. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I was told as a strategy to be passive aggressive with my mentally impaired son.....as a way to handle his behaviors......which are extremely bad at times./.....i have found with abusive people passive aggressive works......you are passive on the outside....but manipulating a certain response in them..by controlling your own reactions........the other way you can deal with abusive people if you are not passively inclined is to get the living crap beaten out of you for standing up...tried both...prefer being passive...i remain silent in the face of abuse...for self protection for myself and th eperson abusing me...i am no light weight in defense........if that is me being abusive.....then so be it...i know when to stand up......and sometimes it isnt appropriate to talk back....i am not going to escalate an argument to physical enforcement..... if i feel it is going that way...i take a passive aggressive stance based on my own experiences and intuition...is it manipulative ...yes.i stay silent in avoidance and defense if i cant redirect.......i dont want to have to take a hit...i hate being hit...i have to be ready to take one...so yes i am aggressive on the inside.........i manipulate my own safety by not projection aggression on the surface..i am prepared to fight or to take hits............one thing i have noticed about love shack is the continuation of posters who say passive aggressive is wrong...and to that i say...depends on the situation.....and the person you are with......deb First of all I'm not sure what you are describing would be classified as being passive aggressive. Trying to diffuse a potentially violent situation by remaining calm and silent is not really an example of passive aggressive behaviour. Being passive aggressive would be more like going along with whatever someone else is saying or requesting but then doing things behind their back to hurt or sabotage that person in some way. Like "oops looks like I forgot to pay those bills you asked me to" "oops, forgot to tell you I wasn't going to pick you up after work tonight, sorry you've been standing in the rain for an hour waiting for me" That is nasty unhealthy behavior and that's why love shack posters say it's wrong. Of course if talking up to someone means you are going to get a beating then you should stay silent in the moment but ultimately the right thing to do is to banish the abuser from your life. Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I think whether or not passive aggressiveness is abuse depends on how it's done and the motivation for it. A lot of people are passive aggressive because it's the easiest way for them to express their feelings. It's immature and dumb, but I wouldn't call that abuse. Other people use it as a way to manipulate somebody's behavior or to hurt them. That's when it crosses over into abuse. The power and control wheel is useful in understanding what constitutes abuse: http://www.ncdsv.org/images/powercontrolwheelnoshading.pdf Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 jackslife, autumnnight, If you'd care to read this link, it explains things quite well. I'm sure we're all guilty of some minor, occasional characteristics of PA. However, one who sustains such behaviour, and even escalates it, as a constant and habitual form of response, and implements it frequently, describing a predictable engagement pattern, is likely to be PA. While it's not considered a mental illness, it's definitely recognised as a psychological behavioural trait in need of attention I agree, the consistency of it turns it into a trait that becomes increasingly frustrating for the other spouse. For myself it was a lot of sarcasm, invalidating feelings by saying I'm too sensitive, not helping by either procrastinating or forgetting, putting down my family, intentionally pushing emotional buttons 'for fun'. He's so outgoing though and a 'jokester' so I went with it when he said he was kidding. Typing it out it looks worse than I thought but its never felt funny and I"m done trying to convince myself he's right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 The power and control wheel is useful in understanding what constitutes abuse: www.ncdsv.org/images/powercontrolwheelnoshading.pdf This is interesting, thank you for sharing! Link to post Share on other sites
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