Caught ex, finally!

[LifesontheUp]

Why bother engaging with her one last time to tell her that?

 

I spent my first birthday at a spa having some relaxing treatments followed by an evening meal with some close friends. It's hard but if you can try and do something you enjoy. Go treat yourself.

[ralfgarnett]

"I spent my first birthday at a spa having some relaxing treatments followed by an evening meal with some close friends."

 

 

You were very advanced at 1 year's old weren't you ?

[kenmore]

I got disarmed.

 

I had decided I was going to sleep on it. This morning my cell phone rang: it was my wife. I answered.

 

She actually sang "happy birthday" to me. Then she asked me over to her house for a birthday dinner with her family and cake.

 

I got weak, I accepted. I know many of you think I'm a pussy, but I accepted. It was impossible to refuse.

 

I think I won. I got to see two people I never thought I would see again (her mother and more importantly, my second daughter AKA my step daughter), and of course her. Everyone was kind, joyous and made me feel good as I did them. Since I was not trying to be NC, I didn't lose anything.

 

One day, when I need to live alone (either she is gone from this divorce, dead or I die), I will embrace being alone. Before then, I may do what I said last night. I will take it day by day. Tomorrow, I'll go NC again until the next time. Most likely either just before our court date or in just over a week when she reaches out to me again.

 

Oddly, her family is the one who prides themselves on "southern hospitality". They all always said how rude it is to not acknowledge someone giving you a gift, or speaking to you. Yet, it is me who is actually doing that. It's not them, it has always been something important to me! I will never be rude if someone talks to me.

 

I guess I'm going on too long. Just save your chastisements about me being a pussy. I will always follow my heart.

 

Ken

[kenmore]

Why bother engaging with her one last time to tell her that?

 

I spent my first birthday at a spa having some relaxing treatments followed by an evening meal with some close friends. It's hard but if you can try and do something you enjoy. Go treat yourself.

 

Oh, I'm going to LifesontheUp! Just not today. Too many things on my plate today. I appreciate your suggestions!

 

Hi Ken so sorry things didn't go as planned, I had my birthday in December and it was pretty crap tbh, she sent me numerous presents which was nice but she couldn't be bothered showing up herself for some reason, I hope that your day will be better, just a suggestion but why don't you make it special for you ?, go out for dinner in a nice restaurant or treat yourself to Ken time and order in a nice home delivery takeaway Inidian, Chinese whatever you fancy and have a nice bottle of wine or a couple of beers but do something for you, either way I will be thinking of you mate and wishing you best birthday wishes from this chilly side of the big pond.

 

Ralf, I can't say my birthday today was bad. My wife's final words as I was leaving was that hers (Jan 11) was crappy too. I felt mine was nice. I think it's perspective. OK, mine was not that nice, but at least it involved many people I love! In my book, that's now what makes a birthday special! The one thing that in my opinion made to great was that I got to see my other daughter for the first time in four months!!

 

You must understand, we met when she was ten. she's seventeen now. I have spent more time in her life than any man!! Much more than her father.

 

That's huge! I have a biological daughter too whom I love exactly as much! I am finding it hard to equate. I just love them both so much! they both love me so much too!!

 

Of course, my own daughter is there for me and will be as long as I can see: expectantly as long as we live, but this other daughter is in danger of being lost to me. That hurts so much!!

 

That's why seeing her meant so much. I apologize if people can't understand. I'm just in so much pain, but I can't allow it to stop me. I can't be paralyzed! F*CK.

 

Well, I had a great birthday, especially knowing my best friends (some of whom are here) wish me well!!! I enjoyed my birthday dinner and especially seeing those I love, even though it may end up badly. I hope to wake up in the morning with hope and strength to move forward and take the world in my hands!! Please wish me well!!

 

Ken

[outthewindow]

Wishing you an awesome, if somewhat belated, birthday ken!

 

And you're not a pussy... It's hard to let go and holding on hurts no one but you so everyone else can mind their own beeswax!

 

At some point you will let go, when you're ready. And you may regret giving her so much attention and 'power' for so long but it's your life and only you can decide when you're ready.

 

I think as long as you plan for your own future and take a step or two a day towards that then you're ok. If you slip up, so what? You're only human and an adult and fully aware of the consequences of your actions. Don't beat yourself up about it. One day (or sometimes hour) at a time. Do the best you can do at any given moment and don't be too harsh on yourself.

 

Hugs

OTW

[ralfgarnett]

Oh, I'm going to LifesontheUp! Just not today. Too many things on my plate today. I appreciate your suggestions!

 

 

 

Ralf, I can't say my birthday today was bad. My wife's final words as I was leaving was that hers (Jan 11) was crappy too. I felt mine was nice. I think it's perspective. OK, mine was not that nice, but at least it involved many people I love! In my book, that's now what makes a birthday special! The one thing that in my opinion made to great was that I got to see my other daughter for the first time in four months!!

 

You must understand, we met when she was ten. she's seventeen now. I have spent more time in her life than any man!! Much more than her father.

 

That's huge! I have a biological daughter too whom I love exactly as much! I am finding it hard to equate. I just love them both so much! they both love me so much too!!

 

Of course, my own daughter is there for me and will be as long as I can see: expectantly as long as we live, but this other daughter is in danger of being lost to me. That hurts so much!!

 

That's why seeing her meant so much. I apologize if people can't understand. I'm just in so much pain, but I can't allow it to stop me. I can't be paralyzed! F*CK.

 

Well, I had a great birthday, especially knowing my best friends (some of whom are here) wish me well!!! I enjoyed my birthday dinner and especially seeing those I love, even though it may end up badly. I hope to wake up in the morning with hope and strength to move forward and take the world in my hands!! Please wish me well!!

 

Ken

 

 

Listen mate you do what works for you im pleased you had a good time, unlike a lot of people on here I don't totally belive in NC or the 180 if you want thm back you need to be able to communicate not cut off, nope I am pleased for you Ken I only wish I could ineract with my WS as you have done, mine has almost disappeared this past few weeks I have only shared emails with her but no phone calls and not seen her in person for about 4 weeks or so and that has hurt, I think she is ready to re-surface sometime soon but we will see, so you go for it mate good luck and enjoy

[NopeNah]

Happy belated!

 

Any "man" that gets involved with a married women(real estate guy), IS an immoral jackass! There's zero reason to do deals with sleaze! Glad you found that out quickly. One day at a time,buddy!

[kenmore]

Thanks OTW, I really appreciate your birthday wishes and your perspective. I think you're right and very wise. I feel you understand me and feel fortunate that you are reaching out to me here. Thanks so much!

 

Thanks too P4D, Also thanks for the birthday wishes and though I don't know if anything really happened, he is a total jerk and I'm glad to be done with him. I'm also glad it happened quickly!

 

Ralf, I totally agree about not cutting off contact if you want them back. One does have to be careful what they say or how much they say, but one can't be completely shut up, or that's what will end up being: nothing.

 

If it's any consolation, I went for four months without seeing her, and I thought I never would again. Now I have three times since. I was also certain I'd never see my step daughter again, yet there she was yesterday (and yes, my hug almost squished her ) Well, she only weighs a hundred pounds!

 

It all takes time, and I am not going to initiate talking to my wife again. She will have to be the one. In a way, it feels good to not be concerned about it for awhile.

 

Just be cool, and your turn will come. I can almost guarantee it. If she doesn't re-surface sometime soon, then she will sometime later, but rest assured.

 

I hope things are looking up for you otherwise too friend!

 

Ken

[ralfgarnett]

Morning Ken you seem to certainly be turning or already turned some kind of corner and if so I'm pleased for you I hope you keep going down that road, on my side I think I may be settling down a little bit as I sometimes feel a bit calmer, I do think of her most of the time though she is mostly in my minds eye, only this morning as I was making the bed I was thinking how nice it would be for us both to wake up there each morning together I used to love to feel her lying beside me and I loved nothing more than spooning with her through the night, oh well who knows how things will turn outin the long run maybe god will be knind and show us how to re-connect somehow, I did find something out bout her yesterday though that gave me a granule of hope but maybe I'm just clutching at straws, well mate its cold and grey here today and I have a dr's appointment to attend in a while so another coffee then out for a walk I think.

[kenmore]

Well, now you have me intrigued, Ralf! I'll tell you a nugget if you tell me one.

 

When I was over at her house Tuesday (for my birthday), she was talking to all of us (her mom, daughter and myself) and was struggling to find the proper term to describe me. Obviously "husband" no longer applies in her mind. So, I looked at her and said "soon to be ex!" Her reply was "I don't know."

 

That aligns with what she said Christmas eve when she said she didn't know if she wants a divorce, but obviously is very unsatisfactory.

 

I don't think she's screwing with me, I really think she doesn't know. That makes me also not know. At this point, I'm so in the weirded out camp that I don't know if I even care anymore. Honestly, I don't even think about it or her at any point in the day when I'm at work, and that's a blessing! Unfortunately, I still do when I'm not working. Message to self: work a lot!!

 

You are also turning a corner my good friend! This latest post tells volumes! The granule of hope, the easing of your mind. You are at about the same time frame as me, so your corner can't be that much further. The memories you harbor are like mine and they haunt me when I give them enough time. I try not to as much as possible. Just remember they are only pain!

 

So, you have my attention. What did you find out?

 

Ken

[ralfgarnett]

Hi Ken I will PM you as I don't want to post it in public just in case she might be reading these not that I know if she is or isn't which makes me paranoid I suppose, can I pm you do we have the technology on here ?

[Yasuandio]

I can tell you Ken, when I heard the words "my ex" stated on the stand during a misc. Court hearing, those words threw me into the complete deepest waters of grief. I bore it, and it was worse than anything I ever went through. I call it "crying backwards," with dry heaving.

 

I had believed his phone number had been changed, per a payment from me for a year to either change it or buy the blocking system from AT&T. So, it had been six months, and I had not had any temptation to call him on the cell phone (which was my only issue, as far as control). I had been made it through the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, at peace. Valentines and Easter - no incident or transgression on my part. Knowing that phone block was in place really was my salvation.

 

The Court I mentioned was in June, and I was feeling OK, confident enough. Then I heard those words, in his angry, hostile speech on the stand.

 

It was late that night. And it hit me. The pain, the mourning. The grieving of loss. Just out of instinct, I dialed his number, and the VM came on! He never bought the $5.00 phone block that I paid two years for in advance. He didn't change his number. He heard my grieving on the VM, as I was shocked the call went through.

 

Those words are powerful. No matter who asks for the divorce, Ken.

 

since you are using them, I would recommend, that you always remove the "possessive" dimension, as you are doing - "soon to be ex." Because an "ex" is no longer a "my ex." He or she is no longer "our ex."

 

I have to work on this also. I keep saying "my former husband." I'm not sure what to think of this term. I value my former marriage, and I'm not going to say I have to ex out that large portion of my life - even if it was a partially fantasy relationship. I just have NOT come to terms with a proper characterization yet, other than former husband. Maybe "the former husband" is a better choice than "my former husband." Heck, I just call myself single, and don't ever mention that person all that much, other than on LS.

 

I'm only writing you to let you know what your newest characterization of her may eat at her more than you think.

 

But I don't like saying "my ex." He's not mine. He doesn't want me. Yas

[kenmore]

Yes you can PM me here Ralf, if you have been a member for long enough. Up in the right corner under your name, there is a private messages link, but I can't seem to find any way of seeing what I have sent people or any indication that anything was sent. People have replied though, so I guess they must be getting sent.

 

Thank you for your post Yas. While you point out that you won't ex out that time of your life because you value your marriage, calling them "our" exes applies just the same. She will be my ex when we're divorced just like she's my wife currently. I suppose if she remarries and divorces him, she would then be both of our ex. I almost said exes, but that would make her plural.

 

Actually, I didn't say it to her to eat at her, I was simply trying to help her find the proper term. Later I realized it may have had more gravity to all three of them than I thought when I casually tossed it out. Oh well, I can't un-say things. I'm truly sorry about the pain you were caused in the courtroom. They do have a strong power to hurt us. I suppose we have a similar power too. We must. I have no desire to hurt my wife and doubt she has one to hurt me either. Sometimes we just do without knowing it. In your case though, it sounds like it was deliberate, and again, I'm sorry.

 

 

In a totally unrelated thought, I had a weird encounter today. I am working with that realtor (yes, I got back together with him...I actually had two clients of his call me yesterday) and was putting one of his open house signs back up. Someone took it down and laid it in the road. When I got done and went to pull out of the parking lot, this woman partially blocked my way out. I waved (thinking she was just confused) and squoze out, pulling up to the stop light. I see her get out and walk up to my car window, and it turned out to be my wife! I hadn't recognized her because she was in a completely different car and had sunglasses on.

 

So she asks me, am I following her? I asked her what she's doing in that car, and she said never mind, I just want to know why you're following me. I pointed to the sign and said I just put that up, and she said you're working with HIM? I said yes, and she said "OK, bye then" and got back into the new car. The light changed and we went our separate ways.

 

Now, of course, my mind is playing tricks on me. Did she take down the sign? Who's car is that? Is it a rental or loaner? What happened to her car? Is she seeing someone and it's his car? Why am I wondering? What should I care? Obviously I do.

 

Part of me thinks the whole thing is hilarious, and another part feels wounded in a new way. I know it's probably a non-existent chance that she's seeing someone, that's just the first thing my mind jumps to. If the universe has a reason for everything, what's the reason for that meeting?

 

So now I feel like asking her but don't want to initiate a contact for such a dumb reason. she would lie to me anyway if she was seeing someone, so it would be pointless. Part of me is hoping she will contact me later, and part of me hopes she doesn't.

 

Ken

[BetrayedH]

Again, she seems obsessed with "him."

 

Seems a but strange, doesn't it?

[kenmore]

It's all strange BetrayedH. So much coming from that direction is strange, but I wouldn't have it any other way!

 

All of this drama is what keeps me alive. I feel blessed that there is a constant flow of crap coming down the sewer pipe as odd as that sounds. It would be more painful if I was completely ignored (no offense Ralf.) That chance encounter still has me wondering why? What are the odds of us being at the same intersection at the same time even in a city as small as the one we are in? And her in a different car? Me not recognizing her? WTF?? WOW!

 

At this point (me still wanting to make it work out somehow but not pressing that at all to her), the more weird sh*t that happens, the more it makes both of our lives interesting. The more interesting our lives are, the more she might want to try to make it work rather than just move on to the next boring sad sack.

 

It's all good, and meanwhile, I'm working...now if only I could make some money!

 

Ken

[kenmore]

BTW, I LOVE your icon! Nothing is written in stone is written in stone! LOL :lmao:

[kenmore]

My thanks to I_Give_Up67 who liked a post in this thread and caused me to read what I wrote again. It has been a quarter of a year since I posted that and I couldn't even recognize myself!

 

Damned if I wasn't a cocky son of a bitch (okay, I still am somewhat but not that much lol.)

 

But what I said rang true and it brought tears to my eyes again, remembering. Amazingly I gained strength from my own words! That is a wonderful thing about this forum!

 

I_Give_Up67, I don't know if it's providence or just coincidence, but you causing me to view that post again really gave me heart to complement what I have been gaining from my own hatred lately. It takes a whole hell of a lot to "get over" loving someone and having them say screw you. To just be rejected as you feel they feel as you do (what? lol) but it's a process that will end badly but surely. Then, one can restart. I'm realizing that restarting too soon is not a good idea, but I guess I can't help myself.

 

Thanks again! I think I need a day just alone to reflect soon. I'm amazed how I can't make heads or tails of my situation when it's glaring in my face!

 

Ken