where are the feelings I lost?

[rossini]

I am here to ask you for advice, because I really don’t know what to do. My core problem is, that during the last year I lost all my feelings, and I believe, I also lost myself. I acknowlegde pain and joy like they were a cup of tea. Ireally can’t feel anything. I am looking for a way to find myself again.

I have been married to my husband for over adecade now. We started out as really good friends in prim school but afterleaving school we went our own ways. When we met again it was love at firstsight and got married and got children some years later. We were really happyand I felt nothing could stop us. I always wished to have a happy family and Iwas even more happy to share it with such a handsome and nice guy.

Right from the beginning on we only had one issue that accompained our relationship: itwas his jealousy. Not a simple one, but a retroactive jealousy. I never gave him a reason to be jealous during our relationship, but I can’t change thepast. I had a bf before him. It was a very painful relation, I felt that thatguy was not the right person for me, but whenever I wanted to leave him, he putpressure on me, and ramped me with various things not to leave him. But after Igrew more self-confident and rational I finally left him. I gave myself enoughtime between the two bfs. Why I’m writing this down is that this has been ouronly persistent issue. He can’t forgive me for having had this earlier relationand he is running wild whenever he is reminded of my past. Unfortunatelly,these reminders are out of my control, I, of course, would never mention thistopic. All the information he has, he gathered right at the beginning of ourlove. I realized that it does not make any difference to him whether he got theinformation from me or from his own fantasy. It’s burned into his mind.

It hurt me very much for being „punished” and resented for something I have done in thepast and I did it without any connection to my husband. This was my life, mychoice and I ’ve suffered enough for it. I started consulting a couple oftherapist to help me handle this pain. The therapist helped me to ignore his’outbrakes’ and advised me not to respond since no rational explanation wouldchange my hb’s attitude towards my past. So whenever he got depressed and angryabout my past I would accept it and go to bed early, or start reading a book.My hb of course declared me insensitive to his problems and issues wouldcontinue.

After being beaten for my pastso long I offered him to equal the thing out sleeping with another woman. Aftersome hesitation he did. I was hurt, but I considered it as paying the price forour piece. It was far more painful being resented. Some months passed and I realized changes in him. To cut the story short, one of his colleagues toldhim, she fell in love with him and was interested in any kind of affair with him. My hb hesitated. He didn’t tell me, I just found out.

We went on counseling, but it made things even worse, because he could not justify his badfeelings about me. When confronted with the facts, he found it easier to startall over again with someone else. I asked him to move away and to consider witha clear mind what he wanted to do. First, he wanted to come back, but the temptation was too hot and in front of his eyes. So after a month or so he voted for the romance.

 

As if this was not painful enough for me he started to justify his decision by devaluatingour past, our memories and me. He really devaluated everything I did andeverything I believed in. He went on for months doing this, and he killed myfeelings and emotions bit by bit. I was so torn apart that I did not even carebearing the blame for the whole thing. I am so distanced from these feelings Ihad then, that I can’t really derscribe them accuartelly.

Well, after he moved away he seemed to regret it. He did not let me go. Even though he left us and moved away, he would call me every day and after some time, he would beg me tostart it all over again. By that time the only thing I felt was pain and theonly thing that kept me alive was hope. I was desperately hoping for hischange, for him seeing how wrong he was.

 

He moved back and we agreed to startall over again. He is really trying hard, although I know he has not changed his mind about me and my past. I feel that I completely gave up hope that he ever would. And what the most frightenening about the whole issue is that during these years of mental torture I lost all my feeling. I can’t feelanything. It’s probably a sort of protection. Probably, if I let the feelings out they would destroy everythingthat is left. If I tried talking to him, he’d just start putting the blame onme and I can’t bear any more resentment and injustice.

I notice I’m hardly able to make it through the day. Nothing brings joy, I can hardly concentrate on mywork. I am acting out in front of the children so that they don’t suffer as Ido. But this cannot go on like this forever. If I did what my inner self tellsme to do I’d run out of the world. I really need help, but as non of the therapieshelped so far I don’t know where to start.

 

Has somebody felt like this? Did anyone come out of this slump??

Edited January 28, 2015 by rossini
very bad format

[MrWhite]

Basically you just swapped resentment, distrust, and ill feelings.

He had no legit reason to be resentful. Now you do.

It turns out his actions did not “equal out” the resentment.

His resentment was tiny, now yours is huge.

 

Losing your feelings is normal when you realize the person you love is not that person you thought they were.

 

 

Treat it the same as you would an affair.

Edited January 28, 2015 by MrWhite

[rossini]

Basically you just swapped resentment, distrust, and ill feelings.

He had no legit reason to be resentful. Now you do.

It turns out his actions did not “equal out” the resentment.

His resentment was tiny, now yours is huge.

 

Losing your feelings is normal when you realize the person you love is not that person you thought they were.

 

 

Treat it the same as you would an affair.

Appreciate your reply, thank you!!