a question for MM/MW.

[sisa]

I have a question here is searching for MM or MW openions.

 

If you are MM/MW, and really in love with your single AP, and you want to build the real life with her/him, and you know your AP is also willing too.

 

However, you don't have bad mirrage and you care your spouse and also love them.

 

what is your plan and what you will do?

what you think is the best solution in this situation.

 

this is the situation I am in now, and my MM ask me what he should do.

so here I am, I need MM/MW advise, thank you.

 

I need the advise that when you really want to be with your AP, what you will do.

[Cali408]

They will NEVER leave if things are ok at home.

 

Why bother? They have the best of both worlds

 

Men don't leave. Period. Hear me?

[Gloria_Smellons]

They'll do as the majority of them do, carry on with the status quo until someone else forces a change in circumstance. For you this means continuing to placate you with empty promises, whilst taking no steps of any kind to actually change the situation.

 

From what I've read here, and experienced myself, MM are essentially cowards. They want something different, but not badly enough to actually enact change in their own lives. This is where you (and I) as single women on the side come in. We 'allow' MM to experience something new, exciting and different without placing any demands upon them. They get to fulfil their needs but without making any changes to their current lifestyle. MM has said this to you, many times. Yes, he wants you, but he also wants to keep the situation with his wife and children exactly as it is.

 

You know that is what the deal is, the only options here for you are put up and shut up, or leave. When it is all boiled down it is as simple as that. Having read your posts you are clearly not happy with this offer, and why should you be. You are only torturing yourself going over and over the hows and the whys. The point is none of that matters.

 

You either live with the situation as it is, or you remove yourself from it. The relationship you have with MM now is all he will ever offer you. You need to stop trying to convince yourself of anything else and start dealing with the situation as it is, not how you would like it to be.

 

I'm not about to debate the ethics of this affair, but I could at least understand it if this man gave you some degree of happiness. From all your posts I've read I don't see any, just increasing doubt, confusion and self loathing. If you stay with this man, that is what your future will look like. If you make this choice, that is all on you. You are not some helpless victim in an uncontrollable scenario, you have choices and the ability to exercise them. So, just for clarification, these are your options;

 

1) Accept being his second family, on his terms, on his timetable and at his convenience. This means letting go of all the jealousy and bitter feelings you have towards his wife and accepting what he decides your life will look like.

2) You end it and start living your life however you want too.

 

Neither choice will be easy, but it's your choice to make. I wish you luck.

 

GS

[bathtub-row]

They will NEVER leave if things are ok at home.

 

Why bother? They have the best of both worlds

 

Men don't leave. Period. Hear me?

 

And to add to that, they rarely leave even when they're miserable.

[deep_fried]

I have a question here is searching for MM or MW openions.

 

If you are MM/MW, and really in love with your single AP, and you want to build the real life with her/him, and you know your AP is also willing too.

 

However, you don't have bad mirrage and you care your spouse and also love them.

 

what is your plan and what you will do?

what you think is the best solution in this situation.

 

 

I would sure love to know what is going on in MM's noggin too..

 

Two weeks ago I tried to force NC by blocking him, told his wife that he was still contacting me - it caused all sorts of stress and drama.. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat...

 

So I decided just to let him do whatever he wants and carry on with my life, dating etc. and forget about him unless he actually grows a set and leaves her to live all on his lonesome. Wife is obviously in denial and is going to put up with him no matter what he does, so why keep on forcing the fight.

 

So - now he calls, wants to see me, wants to tell me all about how happy we will be together, begs me not to date, says he is going to move out..blah blah blah...

 

Yep, yah, ok. Sounds good. Alright then. Ok. Um-hmmm. Okey-doke. Let me know where to find you when you move out. Soon? I am sure. Yep. Oh of course, I love you too. Buh-bye.

 

I have no idea what his plan is. I think he is insane.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I have a question here is searching for MM or MW openions.

 

If you are MM/MW, and really in love with your single AP, and you want to build the real life with her/him, and you know your AP is also willing too.

 

However, you don't have bad mirrage and you care your spouse and also love them.

 

what is your plan and what you will do?

what you think is the best solution in this situation.

 

this is the situation I am in now, and my MM ask me what he should do.

so here I am, I need MM/MW advise, thank you.

 

I need the advise that when you really want to be with your AP, what you will do.

 

 

You do understand that you are being setup as the aggressor....don't you?

 

The MM will say you told him it's okay to cheat, to lie, to leave his wife...etc.

 

One does not ask someone who is in the thick of the drama an outside perspective. One who is in the thick of the drama rarely if ever sees anyone else's POV. He darn well knows which side you will fall on....he then can point at you as the "one with all the plans".

 

Many married AP are passive aggressive and/or conflict avoidant. It appears he is part of that trend.

[sisa]

I know there is just few MM/MW will choose to leave their spouse and be with AP, and this usually happen because of their marriage already very bad or their spouse also want to end this relationship.

 

usually the situation is not like this, most of the situation MM/MW maybe not so in love with their spouse, but they still love their spouse and care them. But in the other hand, MM/MW really want to have the life with their AP, but they don't want hurt their spouse.

 

In my case, MM say the best solution is he marry me in legal way, but let him keep the religion marriage with his wife. So we three can be happy. He don't want his kids grow in the broken family.

 

I wonder is there is better arrangement?

want to hear the opinions from MM or MW in this situation.

[beach]

Better if you date a single man = better for you!

 

He put the decision in your lap because he doesn't intend to change anything. But also because he can blame you when things don't work out.

 

 

His "no decision" is actually a decision on HIS part - do you see that?

[carhill]

However, you don't have bad mirrage and you care your spouse and also love them.

 

what is your plan and what you will do?

 

fMM here and, though I can't personally envision this scenario, the most likely outcome would be a parallel relationship, similar to the old days when men had mistresses, often widely known and accepted. The remaining factor is whether the mistress is content with that arrangement. If there's a meeting of the minds, then such an arrangement could work.

 

I would imagine he could marry you legally, presuming he's not already married to the mother of his children legally or if bigamy/polygamy is legal in your culture. Here in the US, people can get legally separated and live with new partners though cannot marry them unless and until they get a divorce. Famous funny man Jack Klugman is an example of that. He and his wife Jaime Sommers were married for her life, though had been legally separated over 30 years by the time she died and he had been living with his new partner for nearly 20 years of that, marrying her after his wife died.

[sisa]

Better if you date a single man = better for you!

 

He put the decision in your lap because he doesn't intend to change anything. But also because he can blame you when things don't work out.

 

 

His "no decision" is actually a decision on HIS part - do you see that?

 

thank you beach.

 

I feel miserable that thinking he is with his wife now, they have a month vacation together.

 

I think I really love this man, so the jealous just cannot endurable. I think I don't hate his wife, but just when I think about they are together now, I cannot work or sleep very well, but I choose not tell him.

 

I know I am torturing myself because I also can just enjoy the love he gave me as he say. I spend a lot of time thinking which way I want to be. Being with him and share him with his wife or just leave him.

 

Honestly I am not very sure if I can find someone I love so much, that's why I am serious consider to be his second, but it's just so hard to share a man. He always tell me it's nature can love more than one, like he love his son and daughter equally. And he always say he want she and me can meet each other and be friends.

 

I know it's what he can provides me, I cannot expect to have him by my own totally, when he is with me, I feel it's fine, because hurting other is not my character too. But when he is with her, the jealous feeling is killing me.

 

now I might be can have half him, who I love very much. If I leave him, I think I can find someone to marry but I don't know if I can find someone I love so much. I afraid I regret it.

 

He say he promise will take care of me always and I believe it.

[Cali408]

Sisa,

 

I had posted this last year. This will help explain things.

 

One of the biggest questions I see on here is; Will my MOM leave his family for me? Well, I'm here to tell you in 99% of the cases no. Even if they are unhappy they won't do it. Most men hate change. So, I've decided to show you our playbook and why.

 

Let's look at the average cad.

 

Happy marriage, great job, wonderful kids, financially secure. Gets bored, wife is giving it to him once every week or 10 days. Sex is good, wants more excitement. Approaching or in middle age. That's late 30's-50's.

 

Beautiful woman he's known for 10 years or new woman he met at work or on the road in unhappy marriage starts paying attention to him. You're friends, talk about each others' lives, talk about each others' marriages. She's unhappy/dissatisfied. She tells you about it, you start drawing parallels in your marriage. One day, you have phone sex, knowing it's wrong, but it's intoxicating. Next thing you physically cross the line.

 

The sex is amazing because you've been with the same woman for 10+ years. You feel like soulmates. You get drawn closer and closer. You feel grateful that at 40 you have experienced real and true love.

 

You get caught. She's leaving hubby. You refuse to live without her. You think about leaving wife and blowing the family up. Then you take a look at things in your darkest hour from a logical standpoint. Usually at 3:46 in the AM when you have to pee because that bladder ain't what it used to be.

 

1. You'll be moving out and most likely the accommodations and comforts will be lacking.

2. You'll be broke. Constantly worrying about money, earning money.

3. Your wife will be disgusted with you. You've blindsided and hurt her and will seek revenge in court.

4. Your kids will resent you for abandoning them. They will have commitment issues, emotional issues and not being able to understand why their world is shattering around them.

5. AP will have the same issues. You will have fights and tension and trust issues on whether you'll both follow through

6. Her kids will hate you. Your kids will hate her. Not the Brady Bunch as you imagined

7. You will feel incredibly guilty and realize the grass isn't greener once reality kicks in. Your AP who you think was made by heaven especially for you, is not perfect. Maybe a drama queen, a slob, terrible with money can't cook or other character issues that haven't yet risen to the surface. You've only seen them on their best behavior. Yes, my dearies, men think about the cooking and cleaning. We are knuckle dragging cro-magnons at heart

8. Your family and friends will choose sides, and you'll be surprised that they are hostile toward you and think you're stupid and don't appreciate or understand how happy you are. You will resent them.

9. The devil you know looks a lot more appealing all of a sudden and being a man is realizing it's not about you and stop being so selfish.

10. It's an ego stroke and a rush of dopamine. It's not love. There are no soulmates.

11. You read that EA's have less than a 1% chance of evolving into a long term relationship. That over 60% of 2nd marriages fail and 75% of 3rd marriages fail. But your situation is different!

12. You read Love Shack and realize, it's all the same.

13. You beg your wife to take you back and appreciate her.

 

So OW's, my advice is to read this. It's all the same story over and over. Different characters, different issues, but this is the cheating male's blueprint on why he stays.

[jackslife]

^^^^^^^

 

This is spot on.

 

Especially the finances and the children.

 

As a single OW, your risks of taking on a new relationship with the MM are negligible. You are giving nothing up. You have your own job, apartment, lifestyle. All you need to do is open the door and let him in. If it fails, you let him out and date someone else.

 

The MM has to do and sacrifice so much more. Even a sexless unhappy marriage has a lot attached to it. The mistake you are making is assuming it is a choice between two women. It isn't. This is not about who to take out on prom night. To be with you, he has to sacrifice a huge amount. The MM isn't swapping partners, he will be changing his whole life. His relationship with his wife, children, his finances - everything! Now if he is in a bad or abusive marriage then he'll take the step. But if his marriage is so-so then why sacrifice it? Why take such a huge gamble?

 

Remember - he has to sacrifce EVERYTHING to be with you. That is a huge ask.

[Jesuischarlie]

Yes for instance I know mm loves me. We are still sort of seeing each other and I forced the truth out of him. He's not happy but sticking with it for now. He actually isn't forced to do anything so he's not. This is after a very long emotional affair which sucked the life out of us. He's living with his 'sister' as such because he has no balls to do anything about his mediocre existence after such a passionate love affair. I never thought anyone would take someone back after that. How wrong was I.

[Confused48]

Sisa,

 

I had posted this last year. This will help explain things.

 

One of the biggest questions I see on here is; Will my MOM leave his family for me? Well, I'm here to tell you in 99% of the cases no. Even if they are unhappy they won't do it. Most men hate change. So, I've decided to show you our playbook and why.

 

Let's look at the average cad.

 

Happy marriage, great job, wonderful kids, financially secure. Gets bored, wife is giving it to him once every week or 10 days. Sex is good, wants more excitement. Approaching or in middle age. That's late 30's-50's.

 

Beautiful woman he's known for 10 years or new woman he met at work or on the road in unhappy marriage starts paying attention to him. You're friends, talk about each others' lives, talk about each others' marriages. She's unhappy/dissatisfied. She tells you about it, you start drawing parallels in your marriage. One day, you have phone sex, knowing it's wrong, but it's intoxicating. Next thing you physically cross the line.

 

The sex is amazing because you've been with the same woman for 10+ years. You feel like soulmates. You get drawn closer and closer. You feel grateful that at 40 you have experienced real and true love.

 

You get caught. She's leaving hubby. You refuse to live without her. You think about leaving wife and blowing the family up. Then you take a look at things in your darkest hour from a logical standpoint. Usually at 3:46 in the AM when you have to pee because that bladder ain't what it used to be.

 

1. You'll be moving out and most likely the accommodations and comforts will be lacking.

2. You'll be broke. Constantly worrying about money, earning money.

3. Your wife will be disgusted with you. You've blindsided and hurt her and will seek revenge in court.

4. Your kids will resent you for abandoning them. They will have commitment issues, emotional issues and not being able to understand why their world is shattering around them.

5. AP will have the same issues. You will have fights and tension and trust issues on whether you'll both follow through

6. Her kids will hate you. Your kids will hate her. Not the Brady Bunch as you imagined

7. You will feel incredibly guilty and realize the grass isn't greener once reality kicks in. Your AP who you think was made by heaven especially for you, is not perfect. Maybe a drama queen, a slob, terrible with money can't cook or other character issues that haven't yet risen to the surface. You've only seen them on their best behavior. Yes, my dearies, men think about the cooking and cleaning. We are knuckle dragging cro-magnons at heart

8. Your family and friends will choose sides, and you'll be surprised that they are hostile toward you and think you're stupid and don't appreciate or understand how happy you are. You will resent them.

9. The devil you know looks a lot more appealing all of a sudden and being a man is realizing it's not about you and stop being so selfish.

10. It's an ego stroke and a rush of dopamine. It's not love. There are no soulmates.

11. You read that EA's have less than a 1% chance of evolving into a long term relationship. That over 60% of 2nd marriages fail and 75% of 3rd marriages fail. But your situation is different!

12. You read Love Shack and realize, it's all the same.

13. You beg your wife to take you back and appreciate her.

 

So OW's, my advice is to read this. It's all the same story over and over. Different characters, different issues, but this is the cheating male's blueprint on why he stays.

 

Wow, Cali, just wow. With a few edits I can also imagine a similar scenario for why a MOW does not leave her BH. You have an amazing way with words though. Can you perhaps pen that version too?

[purplesorrow]

I am glad Brad Pitt and other 'real' men had the balls to do what was best for them. Gutless wimps these men.

 

Doesn't really take a lot of 'balls' to cheat in my opinion. Why not just leave if that's what you want to do?

[carhill]

"Let us call a truce to terror. Let us invoke the blessings of peace. And as we build an international capacity to keep peace, let us join in dismantling the national capacity to wage war."

 

"It is insane that two men, sitting on opposite sides of the world, should be able to decide to bring an end to civilization."

 

"We preach freedom around the world, and we mean it, and we cherish our freedom here at home, but are we to say to the world, and much more importantly, to each other that this is the land of the free except for the Negroes; that we have no second-class citizens except Negroes; that we have no class or caste system, no ghettoes, no master race except with respect to Negroes?"

 

Name the famous philanderer, one of generations of powerful people who've ruled our world and made it what it is today. Gutless wimps? Nah, their dominating personalities and ambitions which caused them to rise to world power imbued their private behaviors with the same dominance and ambition. People wanted to serve and service them, whether that be the right wife or the right mistress or the right lover. There's a world full of such personalities and there is no doubt they are attractive and, yep, some have moved on to be with their mistresses or lovers. Why? Because they can and they wanted to and their power allowed them to do it with impunity. It works.

[purplesorrow]

"Let us call a truce to terror. Let us invoke the blessings of peace. And as we build an international capacity to keep peace, let us join in dismantling the national capacity to wage war."

 

"It is insane that two men, sitting on opposite sides of the world, should be able to decide to bring an end to civilization."

 

"We preach freedom around the world, and we mean it, and we cherish our freedom here at home, but are we to say to the world, and much more importantly, to each other that this is the land of the free except for the Negroes; that we have no second-class citizens except Negroes; that we have no class or caste system, no ghettoes, no master race except with respect to Negroes?"

 

Name the famous philanderer, one of generations of powerful people who've ruled our world and made it what it is today. Gutless wimps? Nah, their dominating personalities and ambitions which caused them to rise to world power imbued their private behaviors with the same dominance and ambition. People wanted to serve and service them, whether that be the right wife or the right mistress or the right lover. There's a world full of such personalities and there is no doubt they are attractive and, yep, some have moved on to be with their mistresses or lovers. Why? Because they can and they wanted to and their power allowed them to do it with impunity. It works.

This also makes them a hypocrite. A lot of bad came with all the good.

[carhill]

They don't give a shyte what you, or I, think or do. We're nothing to them. That's how life works.

[purplesorrow]

They don't give a shyte what you, or I, think or do. We're nothing to them. That's how life works.

 

Agreed! ...

[minimariah]

I need the advise that when you really want to be with your AP, what you will do.

 

leave your marriage.

 

sometimes you don't choose between BAD and GOOD... sometimes you choose between GOOD and BETTER... you know? if the affair happened - your marriage was lacking somewhere and if you think you'll be happier with your AP... then leave. life is so short... you never know when your time will come to an end so keep that in mind.

[the_artist_1970]

I know there is just few MM/MW will choose to leave their spouse and be with AP, and this usually happen because of their marriage already very bad or their spouse also want to end this relationship.

 

usually the situation is not like this, most of the situation MM/MW maybe not so in love with their spouse, but they still love their spouse and care them. But in the other hand, MM/MW really want to have the life with their AP, but they don't want hurt their spouse.

 

In my case, MM say the best solution is he marry me in legal way, but let him keep the religion marriage with his wife. So we three can be happy. He don't want his kids grow in the broken family.

 

I wonder is there is better arrangement?

want to hear the opinions from MM or MW in this situation.

 

So he wants to be a polygamous. Are you OK with him having another wife? Is his wife OK with him having another wife? If the three of you agree I don't see the problem. If it works for you that's all that matters.

[Tashcw]

Hi Sisa,

 

I've read your other posts and it seems like you're desperately seeking reassurance. However, here's how I see the situation. Either:

 

Scenario 1

- He leaves her, lives and marries you. Result? You end up 'happy' (but BEWARE and read the above posts. My fiance used to be married and I have a stepson and it's TOUGH!!). Evidence towards this ending? His words and promises. Evidence against this? He hasn't done it, he's been abusive to you via email when you've pushed for it, he's vacationing with his wife, he says he still loves his wife etc.

 

Scenario 2

- You all live together commune style, or he splits his time between you. Result? You end up feeling how you do today. Forever. And it doesn't get easier - it gets worse. Ask any single person on this board whether it was easier 6 months in, or 6 years in. The pain deepens, self esteem drops and the jealousy grows. Evidence towards this ending? He's talked about it and wants you to talk to his wife. Evidence against? It's taken him a long time to get there, and he's made no definite plans. Plus, it doesn't seem like his wife is going to love this solution either, or welcome you with open arms!

 

Scenario 3

- You leave him. Do NC again. Result? It SUCKS. For a long time. Maybe 6 months, maybe more. BUT, after that? You're free. I felt the same once. Caught up in a deep, deep affair and when we split as he wouldn't leave his wife, I thought I'd never, ever love again. I was a mess. Counselling, antidepressants, the works. But, by that Christmas (9 months on)? I was happy! I'd been on holidays with friends, got confidence back, he was begging for me back, but I'd just been introduced to the guy I now call fiance... Evidence towards this ending? Everything. You're not happy now. His solution won't make you happy. This is the only one that results in a happy ending. Trouble is, it's just up to you how long it takes to get there. Just think - by Christmas this year you could be holed up with someone who really cares about you, and can be there for you without looking at their watch, worrying about where else they need to be....

 

I'm not saying your guys isn't any good. You probably think the world of him. But how he's treating you is poor. You will find someone else - everybody does!! But the difference is it will be someone who won't make you want to come and post on an online forum about how bad things are...

 

Note: this forum is ACE. But to post here, it generally starts with heartache...

[SoulCat]

And maybe they will give a 'shyte' when they piss the OW off enough now or she gets to thinking later down the road and spills the beans. These men just do not know how to take care of business the right way and "think' they are the ones with the power and the right to treat others like shyte but in reality they gave away all the power. It just takes an OW with guts to set things right. Boom! Checkmate darling.

 

You seem awfully angry and bitter. I'm a BS who's husband actually left for the OW and I've not ever known the level of animosity you exude.

I lost my marriage, my best friend, my job and I'm about to lose the house I call home yet I feel sorry for you being so pissed off and bitter.

 

But then I guess in your universe my husband's OW 'had the guts to set things right' whatever that means.

 

As for Boom! and Checkmate darling?

Yes; Boom as in my life as I knew it blew to smithereens.

Checkmate? Not so much; I just found a different route on the checkers board that is life.

[SoulCat]

I am sorry you find my posts irritating

 

I don't. Find your post irritating. I find it sad.

I find Sisa's posts even more sad. She's still in the thick of the fog, whereas you seem to be coming out of it and I applaud you for that.

I read some of your other posts; it saddens me what the affair did to you and your self worth. I hope you can turn this anger into something positive to guide you to a better future.

 

As for the OP, I've seen a lot of people on both sides of the spectrum giving her sage advice, yet she chooses to ignore them all and plough ahead.

All I can see in Sisa's future is misery, heartbreak and pain.

[SoulCat]

Affairs cause pain. I believe for myself slowly losing empathy was a good sign how much it was changing me for the worse. We forget about the pain that is suffered on the other side. I never knew affairs were this ugly and always had the outsider's view if one was to occur it was meant to be, love at first site, and well worth the fight for love. They are 180 of this in most if not all circumstances. Very and disappointing.

 

And it seems like you learned that particular lesson the hard way. But you did and that alone should make you a stronger and better person.

In OP's case, I'm afraid we are all barking up the right tree but she's just not listening....

I won't be surprised if we see her again in a few months time with tales of agony and pain. The path she is choosing to take will only destroy her, and I find it really sad and troubling.

 

Kudos to you RoundandAround, you got out. Dealing with the anger is a natural process but don't let it guide you. You are better than that.