a question for MM/MW.

[Cinnimon]

I think everyone has to process, dicect, go through whatever they are going through in their own time in their own way. <Sisa> has made the start by coming here. Obviously it's not over for her, she's probably more likely at the beginning of the end and sometimes it takes a long time to wrap your head around that, wether it's forced upon you or wether you make the decision yourself. The whys, the why nots, the how's and the what ifs and every other way you can think of to either make sense of it or prove it senseless are inevitable. You can't take away someone's feelings because YOU believe they are real are not. They are real to the person feeling them. I feel for anyone agonizing from this crap.

Edited February 14, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed reference to thread starter

[Ruffian1]

"Name the famous philanderer, one of generations of powerful people who've ruled our world and made it what it is today. Gutless wimps? Nah, their dominating personalities and ambitions which caused them to rise to world power imbued their private behaviors with the same dominance and ambition. People wanted to serve and service them, whether that be the right wife or the right mistress or the right lover. There's a world full of such personalities and there is no doubt they are attractive and, yep, some have moved on to be with their mistresses or lovers. Why? Because they can and they wanted to and their power allowed them to do it with impunity. It works"

 

 

 

No, it does not always work. Some may get away with it (keep it hidden) it is a big risk.

 

Not all powerful men get away with impunity.

 

 

There is a long line of leaders brought low by their infidelities.

 

Bill Clinton

David Petraus

Tiger Woods

Arnold Schwarzenneger

John Edwards (was gonna run for president)

Anthony Weiner (had to resign from Congress)

 

I have no doubt there are a lot more.

[still_an_Angel]

Hi Sisa, I really admire your determination to find a solution to this situation. We have been through many scenarios and I think posters who responded have given you very good insights and advice. But there are a lot of issues at play here, first, he is not budging from his stand on keeping his W and family intact. Second, your goal of being his wife, accepting that you will be the second, and every little problem that goes with that. Then there's your family who won't accept anything less than a proper marriage. There are so many things to think about and I honestly suggest that you take yourself out of this equation for a while and focus on yourself and how you see your future with what he is willing to do and what you are willing to accept. Time with yourself might just be what you need to think, without everything in your face. You might get a different perspective on the whole situation. ((hugs to you))

[Got it]

Sisa (want to make sure I have that right or get jumped on! lol), in my situation we were both married when we started. I knew I wanted to divorce so I separated a few weeks after the affair started. My AP did not. I knew that, for me to cheat, it was the final death keel in a failing marriage so it was, and stays, a no brainer.

 

For my AP, he had kids, finances, etc. that played a factor. They did not have a bad marriage at that time but had issues in the past (her affair was a major one). But he had planned to stay married until the youngest was an adult. So changing that plan was a major hurdle.

 

I will say, my approach to the affair, has been a bit in the minority but it helped me process and be happy at any stage. When we started I was clear what I wanted upfront. We started as a fling but became far more serious very quickly. So I explained what my expectations were and asked him is. In the areas he didn't know, I asked that he think about them and tell me. I did not judge him on what he could or couldn't do but we needed to have a clear understanding from both parties.

 

So we went over all areas of expectations, communication, interactions, end result, etc. And then I recapped our conversation in writing. While fully understanding that things would not stay as expected, that people change minds, not follow through, etc, what I wanted to eliminate was the "I didn't know, I don't remember, etc." from both sides.

 

And I gave a timeline. We agreed to a year to get things straightened out on his side. I appreciated what he needed to do, I appreciated that he may realize he can't or won't but I am not comfortable with limbo so it gave me comfort and a plan. And I stuck to it.

 

While I appreciate the hurdles one takes to divorce, I also do not wax sympathetic towards all the MP and what they have to do. Don't start an affair if you can't handle the ramifications. So don't cry victim or martyr and not think that because the other person is single they have nothing they lose or gamble along the way.

 

Divorcing, in almost any situation, is like taking a leap off the high dive and hoping for the best. Many people stay at the top, bouncing a little on the board and looking at the water far below. For many reasons, fear, etc. they can't take the plunge and that is their decision and right. It isn't easy. But it isn't impossible either.

 

But if you are single, I implore you, be your own best advocate and take a handle on the relationship. Give your expectations that work for. You two will either come to a happy medium or you won't but you won't feel lost in the relationship.

 

No relationship is worth losing yourself in, none. Sometimes walking away is the best thing you can do for yourself and the relationship. Find your happiness.

 

Standing up for yourself is the one thing you won't ever regret.

[Confused48]

It takes guts to up and leave. Look at him now, he has the world by the fingertips. Big family, beautiful wife, and always looks radiantly happy and satisfied.

 

Sure, use the one in a million, millionaire example. Let me say this: the exception proves the rule.

 

In fact, you know, and anyone on LS for more than a week knows, that the vast majority of WS, be they MM or MW, they stay in the marriage. They never intended to leave. Some did not have the means to leave. Some, as a package deal, were not attractive enough themselves to find an AP that they would leave their marriage for. Some others, their AP saw them as defective cheating people and would not commit to them. Whatever of these scenarios applies, those APs that end up dumped for the marriage, you should not feel bad. It is only fairly tails and millionaires that avoid this fate.

 

And maybe they will give a 'shyte' when they piss the OW off enough now or she gets to thinking later down the road and spills the beans. These men just do not know how to take care of business the right way and "think' they are the ones with the power and the right to treat others like shyte but in reality they gave away all the power. It just takes an OW with guts to set things right. Boom! Checkmate darling.

 

The men you describe probably either were just not that into the AP or just don't have the means to leave their marriage. Either way, a vindictive, bitter, angry, unbalanced OW coming after him, doing damage to his life, that is the best thing that could happen for the BW, other than a bus hitting the OW just prior to OW meeting WH. Darling.

Edited February 15, 2015 by Confused48

[Cinnimon]

Why would a Betrayed spouse want an OW hit by a bus prior to meeting her husband when clearly her husband is the one who chooses to cheat on her? Why not wish for him to be struck by a bus and save everyone the headaches.

[Confused48]

There is so much anger involved on affairs.

 

Shocking, right!? Not.

 

sorry you do not like my example BUT I have every right to do so in a 'OW' board as having been an 'OW.'

 

Point taken.

[carhill]

No, it does not always work. Some may get away with it (keep it hidden) it is a big risk.

 

Not all powerful men get away with impunity.

 

 

There is a long line of leaders brought low by their infidelities.

 

Bill Clinton

David Petraus

Tiger Woods

Arnold Schwarzenneger

John Edwards (was gonna run for president)

Anthony Weiner (had to resign from Congress)

Bill's probably the closest to a world leader out of that bunch, at least someone who's changed the world in a marked way. He and Hilliary will be married forty years this year. She's no slouch herself, past secretary of state plus prospective presidential candidate and rubbing elbows with powerful people around the world. Bill has a long history of philandering and mistresses. Still out there changing the world and being respected and admired, as is his wife, even though everyone 'knows'.

 

In my post, I'm speaking to real historical figures, not pretenders. People who have singularly changed the direction of the planet's inhabitants, like the gentleman, and philanderer, John Fitzgerald Kennedy, to whom are ascribed the quotes I posted. Will the average MM be such a person? Nope!

 

However, the average MM is also not, as ascribed by another member, 'a gutless, wimpy bastard' either, which was the thrust of my rebuttal. In fact, most MM's I've known or heard about are successful people in business and the community and the personality characteristics which drive their success also drive their libido and ambitions in matters romantic and sexual. They are aggressors, achievers, people who get things done. They also like the ladies, which makes sense, since the brain chemicals which drive their ambition also drive their libido.

 

We can call them every name in the book but, short of killing them (someone did kill JFK), it really doesn't amount to anything. When one is widely respected, liked or feared, a few folks calling foul is a whisper in the dark. There are billions in the world and always more to line up on their side.

 

In such cases, marriages are chosen carefully, for business and social power, and they would retain the marriage for those reasons (think Bill and Hilliary) and seek out and retain any love or sexual interests parallel to the primary life path. For some they may be transitory. For others, long-term.

 

If the OP's MM is such a figure, or has personality characteristics as outlined for such figures, it's highly unlikely he will leave his M for them. I could analyze the published list for examples supporting that supposition, and I'd likely find them, meaning the men didn't leave their marriages for their mistress or lover.

 

One last observation for the OP....when a man has two women involved with him, he can feel powerful because he has a choice. When he clearly and unequivocally decides to end one relationship, he loses power. Most men don't like losing power. They've spent their lives building a power base. Food for thought.

[Confused48]

Why would a Betrayed spouse want an OW hit by a bus prior to meeting her husband when clearly her husband is the one who chooses to cheat on her? Why not wish for him to be struck by a bus and save everyone the headaches.

 

Either one, or both really. I was just focused on the AP at the moment bc it was a comment about how when AP's go for vengeance after the end of an A, it really plays to the benefit of the BS.

[obtuseedge]

I have a question here is searching for MM or MW openions.

 

If you are MM/MW, and really in love with your single AP, and you want to build the real life with her/him, and you know your AP is also willing too.

 

However, you don't have bad mirrage and you care your spouse and also love them.

 

what is your plan and what you will do?

what you think is the best solution in this situation.

 

this is the situation I am in now, and my MM ask me what he should do.

so here I am, I need MM/MW advise, thank you.

 

I need the advise that when you really want to be with your AP, what you will do.

 

Well, I am a MM and I am currently exactly in this situation. Right now, I am trying to focus on staying in my marriage, but I have a hard time tampering down my feelings for my AP. It is only because I genuinely really care about my wife that I am trying to stay in the marriage.

[sisa]

MM told me that his wife is willing to meet me, and yesterday even told him that in fact she think I am a good woman and a good choice. He say her feelings for me now is going to positive way.

 

I feel that's nice and feel we will have future. I really think it's possible.

[trolloperative]

Best of luck.

[sisa]

finally she change her mind and we didn't meet.

 

MM and me now is very stable, he finally realize has two women at the same time is not practicle, recently we discuss the finance part about how he will support his family in future, I feel good we discuss it and I also feel reasonable that he continuos provide them.

 

I also told my family I am with MM, they can't accept it now but I think after time things will be fine.

 

MM bought a gift to my father, I feel it's nice he do it although he know my dad might not receive it.

 

I think he is real with me, otherwise he won't stay with me now after his wife knowing we are together, and he try to let my family like him, so I will give him more time.

[SoulCat]

finally she change her mind and we didn't meet.

 

Oh now there's a surprise. Not.

The two of you were never going to meet. I'd be surprised if his wife does actually know about you. You only have what he told you and you really should consider the validity of his words.

 

 

I also told my family I am with MM, they can't accept it now but I think after time things will be fine.

 

Good luck with that.

You are putting your relationship with your family on the line for this guy? SMH...

 

 

I think he is real with me, otherwise he won't stay with me now after his wife knowing we are together, and he try to let my family like him, so I will give him more time.

 

He's not 'real' with you. You're just happy to settle for the crumbs he throws you occasionally. He's having his cake and eating it.

And you let him.