Burned Bad

[burned13]

Looking for advice from a womans point of view. Whether you have been cheated on or cheated yourself I am looking for some advise on my situation. At the end of the day I chose to stay but I live with the burning question will this ever happen again and trying to wrap my head around why it happened and who and what I am to her today. If your interested in helping please read this very long story and any advise would be appreciated.

 

 

So here is my unfortunate story... I am a 35 year old guy and have been with my wife for 14 years now married for 6. We started dating when she was just finishing high school so we were young. We were very connected in the early stages but we were also young and immature. She was a very jealous type and I still wanted my independence along with the relationship (guys nights out etc). We both treated each other great at times and not so great at times and did our fair share of fighting. I always thought we had this connection that kept us together. Last year on her 30th birthday my friend who is a total player cheats on his wife constantly has always had a thing for her (my stupid fault for staying friends with this Ahole). She has always had a huge crush on him too but I never really saw or noticed. I was completely naïve in thinking we loved each other and nothing would ever happen. I had asked him to babysit for us so I could take her out for her bday. He texted her to say happy birthday and they started chatting. She was totally smitten and just threw her self at him and he happily accepted. I have not always been the best husband and she was equally not the greatest wife. We did not communicate or really fulfill each others needs. I always knew we would have to address these issues one day but just didn't act soon enough. They had a 2 week thing until I caught them. She used me to make this happen as I was the only real access to her being with him in person. We went out with him and his wife for dinner and UFC the week after it all started and she was rubbing him with her foot under the table right beside me. She followed him to the bathroom every chance she got and finally she met him coming out and they kissed quickly. That week they did a lot of sexting and texting. They only talked on the phone a couple of times and once was for an extended period. She tried hanging out with him during the day as she works from home but since he knew there was no opportunity for sex he made excuses why he could not. She knew who and what he was as we have talked about it before but just ignored it as she was having a lot of fun and excitement. I became completely invisible to her and she painted this horrible picture of me in her mind to maybe ease her conscience. She saw nothing wrong with what she was doing and was just being very selfish. She had sex with him once during the 2 weeks. We went out again the following weekend drinking and Karaoke and I saw her looking at him a certain way. He went to the washroom and she followed. They were gone for a while and I knew something was up so I went and caught him just leaving. She took him into the womens washroom into the stall kissed and BJ. I believe she enjoyed the physical part but also it was a way to keep him interested in her.

 

 

It took a few months for me to finally unravel the whole story as all I knew was the karaoke night. After that night we talked about our relationship and I immediately changed everything I was doing wrong. I work for her dad and we have 2 kids I didn't want to break up my family and lose my career. I also very much love her I always have. She has had a much harder time changing her part of the bad marriage and is realizing how much of it was actually her issues as well as mine. I have been sticking with it working very hard helping her work on her issues as I told her you have to change or I will not be able to stay. She has been doing very well but more work to be done... She has shown an incredible amount of remorse, shame and guilt. To the point she goes to pretty dark places every time we talked about it and is very self loathing when she is confronted with what she did. She never once made any effort to talk to me prior that she was unhappy. When he texted her she had no interest in trying to fix our marriage as she was really into the excitement and had complete disregard for our family and figured she wouldn't get caught.

 

 

I have struggled with this every day the pain and horrible feelings are the worst. Like so many others I struggle most when I am alone driving to/from work etc. It has gotten a little better but I am so badly hurt and damaged by what she did. Since I have lost 35 lbs changed my look and everything about me as a husband. I truly believe she loves the new me. My biggest fear is will this ever happen again down the road. If she is ever confronted with a similar opportunity and feel confident she would not get caught will she do it again. Is the excitement she had like a drug once you have had a taste it would be hard to turn down. What is a woman's perspective on all of this as men just don't think the same or understand women...

[smackie9]

Emotionally starved people in general find themselves in this type of situation, so it has nothing to do with gender. People just lose themselves because the attention is so intoxicating (dopamine) and very addictive like an addict looking for their next fix. That's why looking in form the outside, it doesn't make any sense to you why she was doing it.

 

The only difference is women are more about how they feel emotionally (desired) and men it's more about the physical satisfaction (sex).

 

You want your marriage to survive you need to learn to listen to your partner, and communicate with your partner on a regular basis. Yes as time goes on and our lives are filled with responsibilites, mortage, raising kids, we tend to forget to be a couple and keep the romance and excitment going. That why compaibility, and the desire to try new things, or bring new hobbies or interests into the relationship is key.

 

So far you have made some changes, now you just have to be aware to keep your marriage maintianed.

 

IMO if she is showing remorse you are ahead of the game. Keep the lines of communication open about it....possibly try couples couseling to work through the emotional damage it has caused.

Edited January 28, 2015 by smackie9

[smackie9]

To add, the excitment is addicting yes, but it's the coming down, the crash and living with the aftermath, the pain, the guilt makes the experience not worth going through again. She is looking at the whole experience with regret, and shame....that's what is going to stick with her.

[tobrieornottobrie]

Have you and your wife considered doing some marital counseling? It may also prove helpful for you both to do individual counseling as well. I'm sure that this has been incredibly difficult and I just want to encourage you to keep working at it. I hope things get better for you and your wife. Best of luck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[burned13]

Yes we did do some counselling which did not help much. We have a firm grip on what went wrong with the marriage and are working on making changes. She is struggling more with changes than myself. She is realizing how much she was a part of the problem with anger issues no communication skills and a very selfish personality. The problem is dealing with the anger about what she did. She could have talked to me but she chose the selfish self gratification path instead. I think about it constantly and just struggle with the pain hurt and anger. I am so frustrated that this elephant is always in the room. I am giving the very best of me to the woman who did the most horrible thing to me I have ever experienced. I think I understand why she did it I just struggle with will she ever do it again. Is she always going to have that hole inside of needing that something different type excitement now that she has had a taste. Will she let her anger be her justification again as she did this time. I know what I have to do but sick and tired of thinking about it and having it be such a big part of every day life....

[kendahke]

I'm sorry. I can't relate to what she did. I'd have said something to you about my unhappiness and tried to find a way to fix it. I would not have sought out your player friend behind your back and entered into anything with him.

 

But that's me.

[Omei]

Hey im a woman (28)

 

I have been cheated on in my first relationship I caught them in my apartment under my sheets kicked them both out and ignored him for two weeks.

 

He begged and cried for me to forgive I did but spent the rest of the relationship in distrust and constantly finding many different forms of cheating from physical to emotional.

 

Because of my experience I will never give a partner a second chance ever again I just will not and refuse to take that risk once the trust has been broken for me it's gone forever and I have no will to repair it.

 

I think your marriage is over I think it's been over for quite a while, you're hurting. I think it's time to spread your wings and fly be single discover yourself, learn about yourself do things you've never done and allow yourself the opportunity to fall in love again in the future and give yourself a real shot at happiness.

[burned13]

I am curious why do you think the marriage should be over? Believe me I have thought about it for sure. How long did it take you to start to feel normal again? How long did the relationship last for you and what made you decide to call it quits for good? Yes trust is an extremely difficult thing to rebuild and I know I will never trust unconditionally again. How is your relationship now or relationships after? Were you able to fully trust or do you always kind of sleep with one eye open so to speak?

[smackie9]

It takes two to repair a marriage, so you both need to keep working on it together. If the counseling didn't work, find another therapist. Not all therapists offer the same experience. It's possible you both need a different type of counseling for each. You are dealing with trust issues, and she's dealing with her anger and resentment ...two totally different things. Sometimes going separately might be more helpful because you are more freer to express yourself, rather than feel you are being scrutinized by your partner.

 

When and how long this will take is anyone's guess. Everyone is different, and there is no set time limit. You just have to keep trying and see where it will get you. This marriage may or may not survive, only time will tell. If you feel it's worth your best shot then just carry on with it. Your marriage is over when it's over.....it's not over.

[burned13]

One of the toughest things for me is how cruel she was about it. The only way it worked for her was for us all to go out together and sneak in what she could except the one day they had sex. He left work early and she went to his place. At what point do you just say this is mean and cruel I like this other guy and want to have fun but what I am doing is down right mean. If you love someone or not how could she be so horrible and how could she do that to his wife. What does that say about her? She had a pedicure with his wife the day of the karaoke and was texting him during the pedicure. WTF right. I never in a million years would have thought she could be so heartless. She never really liked his wife but still.... Is it just immaturity and selfishness? She is not a mean person unless she is angry which she is working on now. Is it simply that she didn't think she would get caught? We have 2 kids I mean it makes me so mad to know how irresponsible she was...

[Omei]

I am curious why do you think the marriage should be over? Believe me I have thought about it for sure. How long did it take you to start to feel normal again? How long did the relationship last for you and what made you decide to call it quits for good? Yes trust is an extremely difficult thing to rebuild and I know I will never trust unconditionally again. How is your relationship now or relationships after? Were you able to fully trust or do you always kind of sleep with one eye open so to speak?

 

The bold is why I think your marriage is over for you cannot have one without trust. And for the fact that you met in your teens is this woman the only woman you have had since you met her? How could you possibly know what you want in a partner if you've never experienced anything else or even experienced getting to know yourself?

 

The man that cheated on me (Five years long) was also abusive verbally and physically when I ended it I felt no sadness only anger it took me zero days to get over him as a partner but years to get over my anger so I think I had a huge push his cheating was the least of my issues and I don't think you could relate since you have lingering feelings and I did not.

 

Every partner ive had since then has had loyalty within the relationship and 100% trust I wouldn't of stayed had they not I have never been worried nor been effected by my past cheater for the fact that I know if any partner I had now did cheat it would be over the very moment I found out, so im very capable of going into relationships and giving 100% trust to them until proven otherwise knowing this factor about myself that's how I do it.

 

I even trained myself to believe in a little line I made up in my head "Cheating is a gift, it sets you free and lets you out to find happiness again with someone worthy of your love and loyalty had you not found out you would be stuck in a disrespectful relationship" - meaning thank god you found out sooner than later as more time passes the worse the outcome yours is pretty bad because you're married but it means you no longer have to wonder about your future with that person you already know what it looks like it is like a gift of awareness.

 

I pretty much said that over and over until I lost my will to have doubts and fear if people will cheat on me in the future or not because if they do well I know the outcome there wont be hassle, questions or wonderment it is a total deal-breaker.

 

Nothing I say may work for you as every person is different in overcoming things but it def helped me.

Edited January 29, 2015 by Omei

[burned13]

I really loved her with all my heart so when I found out it absolutely crushed me. I still do love her very much and we have 2 kids. I want my kids to have their parents as mine split when I was a baby. She is making an effort to change and is realizing how much the marriage problems were attributed to her. If it happens again no question I run in the other direction as fast as possible no questions asked. I am just afraid she might not have what it takes to really take this marriage to the next level and if she is capable of rejecting attention from other men.

[Omei]

I really loved her with all my heart so when I found out it absolutely crushed me. I still do love her very much and we have 2 kids. I want my kids to have their parents as mine split when I was a baby. She is making an effort to change and is realizing how much the marriage problems were attributed to her. If it happens again no question I run in the other direction as fast as possible no questions asked. I am just afraid she might not have what it takes to really take this marriage to the next level and if she is capable of rejecting attention from other men.

 

I have a child as well, what you need to understand about children is kids don't need marriages they simply need their loving parents, Not being married doesn't mean they no longer have parents.

 

Giving up you're happiness because you believe a marriage is what is best for your children is a silly notion staying within an unhappy marriage is likely to put more strain overall on your children not only that they will grow up believing they should also forfeit their happiness when they marry as well if it becomes unhappy.

 

I am all for making a marriage work and trying every option but it sounds as if this has been going on for a long time once you've taxed every option what left is there?

 

In the end once people realize marriages are over and they divorce and eventually find happiness they become better people, even better parents.

 

All your kids need is for you both to love them being together makes no difference it doesn't make you love them more does it? You can love your children just as much as you do now separated.

 

I am not saying you should divorce your wife right now but I am saying putting your happiness out of the question simply because you have kids together isn't good for them or you.

Edited January 29, 2015 by Omei

[smackie9]

I really loved her with all my heart so when I found out it absolutely crushed me. I still do love her very much and we have 2 kids. I want my kids to have their parents as mine split when I was a baby. She is making an effort to change and is realizing how much the marriage problems were attributed to her. If it happens again no question I run in the other direction as fast as possible no questions asked. I am just afraid she might not have what it takes to really take this marriage to the next level and if she is capable of rejecting attention from other men.

 

I totally understand that you need to say these things to try and comprehend it all. Like she said and like I said it's like being a drug addict, all common sense, consequense and any logical thinking is out the window because emotionally they are so caught up in the rush, which is dopamine. It controls the way we think and feel, so there is a biological aspect of it.

 

People always say "Oh I could never cheat!" well never say never because you don't know. I'm not condoning cheating, but some people are emotionally weakened, it can only take a spark to ignite it. I doubt she woke up one morning and said "I'm going to work on having an affair" it's nothing like that. People just lose themselves. If you both address the issues and make progess, it is very unlikely she is going to cheat again. It was her issues, you and her not addressing her issues is what has let to the result of her cheating. Cheating is an escape, she used it to esacpe from how she was feeling about herself, you and your marriage. Sometime people choose that route because they felt helpless, and it evolved into self lothing, insecurity, and lose of self worth. Those are very negative things that can make one make bad decisions.

 

Your feelings are doing the talking, you don't trust her which is understandable. It does take time to rebuild that trust again. You can't expect things to be OK over night, tho that would be ideal. So in time, you can reassess how you feel and how she has given her efforts. Baby steps.

 

If you are not satified with the results, then maybe divorce is your best option. My personal experience, I have had some female friends who were the adulteress, one being a serial cheater, they all were able to work the infidelity and they are very happily still married, no reoccuring cheating.

 

So you DO have a chance to make this work. It is all up to you to work on those doubts, and find a positive conclusion.

Edited January 29, 2015 by smackie9

[greaterdevil]

well first off props for trying to make it work. but be real with yourself. if you can't get over your hurt and anger then your marriage is already doomed.

 

if it was me I would not be able to forgive her. every time i kissed her i would be thinking about the other guy in her mouth. i'm sorry you have to go through this.

[BeatsByDirk]

You can't forgive this.

I would bet it's probably going to take you a long time to come to that conclusion and what that implies.

The cruelty of how she cheated.

A close friend, spiteful, daring you to find out.

That's deplorable.

That shows a complete and utter lack of respect.

By forgiving her you maintain a position that lacks respect and this leads to possibility of further affairs.

It seems that trust is a huge part of what you need in a relationship.

I don't see how you trust anyone who stray in such a spiteful manner.

Choosing to lose ones family sucks but in reality the wife chose to lose the family when she did this and her willingness to stay is just a further slight to you because if makes you look like the bad guy for no making it work.

You shouldn't have to bare that burden, it's very unfortunate.

Bests of luck on this journey

[Radu]

Yes we did do some counselling which did not help much. We have a firm grip on what went wrong with the marriage and are working on making changes. She is struggling more with changes than myself. She is realizing how much she was a part of the problem with anger issues no communication skills and a very selfish personality. The problem is dealing with the anger about what she did. She could have talked to me but she chose the selfish self gratification path instead. I think about it constantly and just struggle with the pain hurt and anger. I am so frustrated that this elephant is always in the room. I am giving the very best of me to the woman who did the most horrible thing to me I have ever experienced. I think I understand why she did it I just struggle with will she ever do it again. Is she always going to have that hole inside of needing that something different type excitement now that she has had a taste. Will she let her anger be her justification again as she did this time. I know what I have to do but sick and tired of thinking about it and having it be such a big part of every day life....

 

You are stressed over this because you are so vested in this working out.

 

Accept that it might so do your best to make this work and guide the relationship on the right path.

If it does repeat itself ... i hope you will have been prepared with a job in a different career/place that will give you options.

Options that will allow you to walk away.

 

Beyond this you can't really control much; if she is completely selfish she will do it again ... if not ... she won't.

[Radu]

I think she was so mad at you that she was doing it in part to humiliate you.

She just bottled it up and it served as fuel for the whole humiliation thing ... it might be what is giving you so much trouble now.

She got off on cuckolding you.

 

The pedicure thing with the OM's wife ... you said she didn't like her either; well ... that was also very humiliating.

[Spectre]

I'm sorry dude but your wife went and gave a BJ to your friend, what is there left to say except to leave her? She has no possible respect or love for you, it's utterly disgusting she could do that, especially with a friend of yours.

 

If you forgive her for this you might as well just hand over all dignity and self respect as well. Seriously, I don't care WHAT problems you were having, this woman goes and solves them by hooking up with your friend? This isn't about how you forgive her, this should be about how you get this destructive person out of your life as soon as possible.

 

She humiliates you, cheats on you, blows your friends, and is overall cruel. WHY have you not cast this demon back to hell? I.E. kicked her to the curb? There is no prize at the end of the rainbow here my friend. Just a shrew of a woman who will most certainly do this to you again in the future if you let her get away with it now. Cut your losses and be glad you were able to get out before you wasted anymore time with her.

Edited January 31, 2015 by Spectre

[Try]

I became completely invisible to her and she painted this horrible picture of me in her mind to maybe ease her conscience. She saw nothing wrong with what she was doing and was just being very selfish. She had sex with him once during the 2 weeks. We went out again the following weekend drinking and Karaoke and I saw her looking at him a certain way. He went to the washroom and she followed. They were gone for a while and I knew something was up so I went and caught him just leaving. She took him into the womens washroom into the stall kissed and BJ.

Going out as a couple with her affair partner after she recently had sex with him, and giving him a BJ in the bathroom as you waited outside at your table, shows a level of disrespect that is rarely seen on this site. Since she has the ability to rationalize to herself cheating on you, such that she "saw nothing wrong with what she was doing", and to make you "completely invisible to her" while she cheats on you, she has the ability to cheat on you again when things are not perfect at home. Since as humans it is normal not to be perfect, things will again not be perfect at home, and the potential for her to rationalize cheating again will be there for her.

 

You have this false belief, which is common among people that have been cheated on, that your actions must have had something to do with making her cheat. You want to believe this because then you think that you would be able to stop her from cheating again by making sure that you not create those conditions again. The more responsibility that you as the cheated on take for her affair, the more control you falsely believe that you have in stopping this from happening again. The truth that the problem is with her. That she is broken and that she is the selfish type of person that can rationalize hurting and betraying you, would make it difficult for you to stay with her because you could never feel safe. You know this in your gut, which is why this is eating at you and will continue to eat at you.