My wife text messaged me that she has feelings for another woman

[Awarebe]

I'm tired maybe i spoke black before not answering your question, Yes i mean FEELINGS like a man and a woman can have, not feelings of friendship..i mean strong passion,

[Awarebe]

Now I get what you mean mr lucky, and i must say that I (woman) disrespect a man pressuring for sex or anything it must come naturally (if it doesn't he or she is with the wrong person), flowing like a river with no force needed, when force is needed it is wrong but maybe this kind of love is not for everybody so I just want to talk for myself,

sex is not a thing it is part of a wholeness and all those things cannot be separated, for then it becomes cheap and something you might as well go bying,

[Mr. Lucky]

Now I get what you mean mr lucky, and i must say that I (woman) disrespect a man pressuring for sex or anything it must come naturally (if it doesn't he or she is with the wrong person), flowing like a river with no force needed, when force is needed it is wrong but maybe this kind of love is not for everybody so I just want to talk for myself,

sex is not a thing it is part of a wholeness and all those things cannot be separated, for then it becomes cheap and something you might as well go bying,

Couldn't disagree more. Sex is like any other part of a successful relationship in that it takes effort and commitment. Barring illness or injury, I'm going to make my partner's happiness, sexually or otherwise, one of my priorities And that includes the times my river isn't flowing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Awarebe]

mr lucky

I think the river will always be flowing, thats what the river does, off course only if the two people are really compatible and in love and able to keep themselves young-spirited all life,

maybe thats also what you're doing

[pteromom]

We fought last night because we were talking about the sex issue and I got angry and felt fed up. I told her I'M TIRED OF BEING PERSECUTED FOR THIS. I DON'T BEAT YOU. I DON'T HIT YOU. I DON'T CUSS YOU OUT. I DON'T CHEAT ON YOU. I'M NOT THE WORST HUSBAND IN THE WORLD!

 

And she looked rather defeated and just said I WANT MORE THAN THAT, FOR US.

 

Did she SAY you are the worst husband in the world?

 

You are getting emotional and dramatic and defensive - and I understand WHY - but that behavior doesn't solve problems.

 

Instead, try mirroring. It's corny but it works. Instead of getting defensive, or assuming she means you are the worst husband, try to understand what she is asking of you and say it back to her. "So what you are saying is that you feel rejected when I don't want sex, and that you want us to fix this" (or whatever it is she is saying to you.

 

You have to be able to get past this anger, and work the issue on a RATIONAL level.

[pteromom]

If the expectation that your spouse is going to participate in the intimate side of the relationship is proof of no "feelings", then I'm guilty as charged. And as my wife has gotten older, her libido has increased - so she must really not care about me, right ?

 

Mr. Lucky

Oopes - I thought this was the OP's post. I didn't see it was from Mr. Lucky. Disregard!

Edited February 3, 2015 by pteromom

[InlandEmpireMan]

No, she didn't say that. She was discussing the sex issue from her perspective and how it’s affected her. I got angry because she was telling me that while she would stay with me if I was proactive about my ED problem and trying to work it out, that she was ready to leave me if I continued to ignore it (not go to the doc/not work out, etc- like I've been doing, hoping it will go away on its own). I guess I got frustrated because if she had this issue, I wouldn’t leave her. And I feel like she's leaving me over this issue, when I try to treat her well in other aspects. Like I don't get any credit.

 

Now in hindsight, I know that I’m acting pretty immature. When I sense that I’m losing her or distant from her, I get like that.

 

 

Did she SAY you are the worst husband in the world?

 

You are getting emotional and dramatic and defensive - and I understand WHY - but that behavior doesn't solve problems.

 

Instead, try mirroring. It's corny but it works. Instead of getting defensive, or assuming she means you are the worst husband, try to understand what she is asking of you and say it back to her. "So what you are saying is that you feel rejected when I don't want sex, and that you want us to fix this" (or whatever it is she is saying to you.

 

You have to be able to get past this anger, and work the issue on a RATIONAL level.

Edited February 3, 2015 by InlandEmpireMan

[whichwayisup]

Now in hindsight, I know that I’m acting pretty immature. When I sense that I’m losing her or distant from her, I get like that.

 

So what are you going to do to fix 'you'?

 

Suggestions - Stop and think before you speak/react. You have a temper, you act like a child and throw a tantrum. Pretty sure she hates it, as most people would.

 

Would you consider anger management? Counseling? Seeking help with your Dr for ED? If you make changes to better yourself, show your wife that you can be calm, stable, supportive and loving/kind, she more than likely will give you that chance. You love her and don't want to lose her, right?

[InlandEmpireMan]

I apologized to her for how I reacted, especially the "dyke" comment. All I knew at that moment was that I felt hurt and abandoned.

 

As for an update, after she divulged this info to me, she confessed that the first few days afterwards were really tough on her. She really missed knowing that she wouldn't see her dentist again, but more so, the feeling she got when she was around her. The wife tried to explain her feelings for this woman, as best she could; she summed it up by saying that she just felt really happy to be around her and always had a non-stop smile on her face when they interacted.

 

So, at the end of those first few days afterwards, she admitted that when she’d go on Facebook, that she would look her up and just go through her pics. When I asked her why, she said it was to relive some of those same feelings, if albeit, very briefly.

 

On her own accord, my wife started researching what she called “straight girl on straight girl crushes.” Articles she read broke it down that when these type of infatuations happen, it’s not (usually) sexual, it’s mainly wanting to BE that woman. Sometimes it results in the women emulating the other that she’s infatuated with, but I see no signs of that (yet).

After some discussions, she admitted that she was a lil’ infatuated with the life of this woman. She admired her beauty, her tender and kind nature, the many family pictures that adorned her office. She’s still a lil’ confused about why she fantasized kissing her, but thinking about having sex with her had no appeal.

 

So after having lunch with my wife today, I agreed to go to a doctor and a therapist and start taking steps to better myself. My wife admitted that she saw the dentist early this morning while she was there for an appt with someone else. She said her feelings for her had waned, but they were there slightly. They didn’t talk and my wife only saw her out of the corner of her and didn’t make direct eye contact. She actually felt kind of sad about that, she said, about her dissipating feelings. Without those exciting feelings for someone else, all she’s left with is our marriage and the problems we have. She agreed to do IC and MC to work out those feelings of resentment she admits to.

 

So I’m excited about that. I think that this situation fit her perfectly. She wanted a distraction from the reality of our marriage and this person gave her comfort and care and attention and my W was happy for the first time in a while.

When we talked over lunch I told her that I wanted to be the one to make her happy and I’m sorry for the issues I’ve caused. She apologized for the things she’s done and we hugged- we have barely touched each other these last few days, so it was nice and I almost started to cry in the restaurant.

So, I’ll take that. We both have a long way to go, but it looks like we’re both hopeful.

[InlandEmpireMan]

So what are you going to do to fix 'you'?

 

Suggestions - Stop and think before you speak/react. You have a temper, you act like a child and throw a tantrum. Pretty sure she hates it, as most people would.

 

Would you consider anger management? Counseling? Seeking help with your Dr for ED? If you make changes to better yourself, show your wife that you can be calm, stable, supportive and loving/kind, she more than likely will give you that chance. You love her and don't want to lose her, right?

 

Yes, I know if I don't take proactive measures to address this, I'll lose her anyway. The way I get when I feel like she's abandoning me, doesn't help- but I'm not thinking about it when I'm feeling it. All I know is that I'm hurt.

 

I've agreed to see a doc about the ED and a therapist/counselor for my anger issues.

[pteromom]

No, she didn't say that. She was discussing the sex issue from her perspective and how it’s affected her. I got angry because she was telling me that while she would stay with me if I was proactive about it and trying to work it out, that she was ready to leave me if I continued to ignore it (not go to the doc/not work out, etc- like I've been doing, hoping it will go away on its own). I guess I got frustrated because if she had this issue, I wouldn’t leave her. And I feel like she's leaving me over this issue, when I try to treat her well in other aspects. Like I don't get any credit.

 

.

 

That's easy to say when you aren't feeling the way she feels. But let's assign a different "issue" to this.

 

What if:

- she had a major drinking problem and refused to get help

- had a major gambling problem and refused to get help

- had a drug problem and refused to get help

- had an affair and refused to get help

 

Your issues are major issues that affect the health of your marriage.

 

NOW - let me say I understand your feelings. I have zero sex drive, and I long to be accepted as I am and understood. I long to have my husband be happy with who I am. I think all of us long for that.

 

You probably want her to say you are good enough as you are, and you probably take her desire for you to get help as criticism that you aren't.

 

But still, there are TWO people in this marriage. And she wants sex and intimacy. It's not some bizarre request to get sex. It's "normal", and I understand that when you are longing for sex, it feels as serious as longing for food or water. It becomes a "need", not a "want".

 

Can you start just by having her pick out a vibrator that looks interesting to her? And some lube. And then when you are trying to have sex with her, if you go soft, switch to the vibrator. When you are using it, continue kissing her and stroking her and whatever else she likes, so it is still about the connection and "making love" with her.

 

It is possible that this will make her feel satisfied. It's also possible that it may turn you on because the pressure is off you, and you may just be able to get back in the game.

 

In order for this to work, you have to set your ego aside. You can't be doing it resentful that she is enjoying herself.

 

And in order for this to work, she has to set her insecurities aside. She can't be feeling rejected because she doesn't "make you hard".

 

But it could work WITHOUT you getting any help for your ED.

 

You talked about printing out some responses. How about this one? Let's see if she is open to trying something new.

 

Now in hindsight, I know that I’m acting pretty immature. When I sense that I’m losing her or distant from her, I get like that

 

All that does is distance her from you further. She has to feel safe sharing her feelings with you, or you have NOTHING. Practice mirroring. And practice just biting your tongue and listening. If you feel that anger and defensiveness bubbling up, STOP. Breathe. Ask yourself why you are angry. If you need more time to analyze it, ask your wife for a few minutes to think and you'll be back.

 

You gotta get this under control or you have zero chance of a true connection with your wife.

[InlandEmpireMan]

Not to ignore the other points you made (I have to do quick replies while I’m at work), but you touched on something I forgot to add.

 

My wife also divulged to me that she’s had to “hide things from me” before and leak the information slowly, so I won’t get upset or overwhelmed.

This isn’t anything to do with other men or women, but with issues that all couples go through. Money issues, family issues, etc.

 

She’s in charge of dealing with the finances, both sides of our family (flying people in, making hotel arrangements) and pretty much, everything.

She works F/T, but I work more hours and we’ve kind of just went into this unspoken agreement that once she gets home, she handles it all.

 

Well, apparently, if things happen around the home, with money issues, or family issues, she doesn’t feel like she can tell me at certain times.

She will wait, days if she has to, for the best possible time to approach me. Her worst day, according to her, was when she couldn’t account for $40 in the checkbook and I scolded her for it (her words). When she was telling me, we were walking up to a store and I walked ahead of her and left her behind to catch up. She said that was her lowest moment. That she felt her partner in life was leaving her side for one mistake of $40.

 

Now, if we want to work it out, she has let me know that she’s going to tell me everything as soon as she knows it and isn’t going to wait for the best to spring it on me; it’s double the stress for her (her words): the issue itself (especially any money issues or anything broken around the house) and then the burden of having to hide it from me and then dreading how I’m going to react and then the inevitable tension.

 

 

 

 

That's easy to say when you aren't feeling the way she feels. But let's assign a different "issue" to this.

 

What if:

- she had a major drinking problem and refused to get help

- had a major gambling problem and refused to get help

- had a drug problem and refused to get help

- had an affair and refused to get help

 

Your issues are major issues that affect the health of your marriage.

 

NOW - let me say I understand your feelings. I have zero sex drive, and I long to be accepted as I am and understood. I long to have my husband be happy with who I am. I think all of us long for that.

 

You probably want her to say you are good enough as you are, and you probably take her desire for you to get help as criticism that you aren't.

 

But still, there are TWO people in this marriage. And she wants sex and intimacy. It's not some bizarre request to get sex. It's "normal", and I understand that when you are longing for sex, it feels as serious as longing for food or water. It becomes a "need", not a "want".

 

Can you start just by having her pick out a vibrator that looks interesting to her? And some lube. And then when you are trying to have sex with her, if you go soft, switch to the vibrator. When you are using it, continue kissing her and stroking her and whatever else she likes, so it is still about the connection and "making love" with her.

 

It is possible that this will make her feel satisfied. It's also possible that it may turn you on because the pressure is off you, and you may just be able to get back in the game.

 

In order for this to work, you have to set your ego aside. You can't be doing it resentful that she is enjoying herself.

 

And in order for this to work, she has to set her insecurities aside. She can't be feeling rejected because she doesn't "make you hard".

 

But it could work WITHOUT you getting any help for your ED.

 

You talked about printing out some responses. How about this one? Let's see if she is open to trying something new.

 

 

 

All that does is distance her from you further. She has to feel safe sharing her feelings with you, or you have NOTHING. Practice mirroring. And practice just biting your tongue and listening. If you feel that anger and defensiveness bubbling up, STOP. Breathe. Ask yourself why you are angry. If you need more time to analyze it, ask your wife for a few minutes to think and you'll be back.

 

You gotta get this under control or you have zero chance of a true connection with your wife.

[pteromom]

My wife also divulged to me that she’s had to “hide things from me” before and leak the information slowly, so I won’t get upset or overwhelmed.

This isn’t anything to do with other men or women, but with issues that all couples go through. Money issues, family issues, etc.

 

Not to be flippant, but...

DUH.

 

Wouldn't you? If you knew that the possibility of slamming doors and yelling awaited you if you just came out with it?

 

She will wait, days if she has to, for the best possible time to approach me.

 

I think I am actually in love with your wife for being able to say this to you.

 

(that is a joke, but dang - she sounds great.)

 

Her worst day, according to her, was when she couldn’t account for $40 in the checkbook and I scolded her for it (her words). When she was telling me, we were walking up to a store and I walked ahead of her and left her behind to catch up. She said that was her lowest moment. That she felt her partner in life was leaving her side for one mistake of $40.

 

Yes. Yes. Nothing worse than feeling demeaned, as if you are some bad child instead of a competent adult who made a mistake.

 

Yet she still wants to sleep with you. Which is just...LUCKY for you.

 

Now, if we want to work it out, she has let me know that she’s going to tell me everything as soon as she knows it and isn’t going to wait for the best to spring it on me; it’s double the stress for her (her words): the issue itself (especially any money issues or anything broken around the house) and then the burden of having to hide it from me and then dreading how I’m going to react and then the inevitable tension.

 

Good for her.

 

NOW - this means you need to do serious work on your reactions and your anger.

[pteromom]

I want to be friends with your wife. She sounds like an incredibly intelligent and self-aware woman.

[InlandEmpireMan]

I'll tell her you said that. She'll probably thank God for having someone understand what it's like to deal with me, lol and how she's dealt with it in best possible way that she could.

 

I guess I'm pretty lucky.

 

I want to be friends with your wife. She sounds like an incredibly intelligent and self-aware woman.

[InlandEmpireMan]

Pteromom, where abouts are you on the West Coast? We live in southern cali

[pteromom]

Pteromom, where abouts are you on the West Coast? We live in southern cali

 

Not near you unfortunately.

[Mr. Lucky]

I want to be friends with your wife. She sounds like an incredibly intelligent and self-aware woman.

 

Agreed but she's bad for business here. More spouses like her would mean no need for LoveShack...

 

Mr. Lucky

[InlandEmpireMan]

Part of my problem with sex is the pressure of it. I always am anxious and sometimes feel like I'm about to hyperventilate.

 

Would watching porn with my wife, hurt or help, by distracting us both and looking at the sexy images on the screen?

 

Anyone?

[Standard-Fare]

I want to add a weird little comment here:

 

I once felt like I was developing a crush on my dental hygienist. Dental work can be pretty intimate, with the person entering your personal space and inevitably touching you at some points. How often is anyone other than a lover touching your FACE? At a time when you're lonely and starving for physical touch of any kind, it's easy to (mis)interpret a kind of sexual charge behind these actions.

 

OP, I wouldn't be surprised if your wife, who is obviously starving for touch herself, fell into this sort of trap. While the dentist was just being affectionate in a caring/nurturing way, your wife interpreted it as sexual.

 

Of course, maybe behind some of these interactions there actually IS a legit sexual charge sometimes... it happens. We're all sexual beings, and attractions can pop up in the weirdest of places.

 

Pretty irrelevant to the broader discussion topics here, just chiming in. Carry on!

[Mr. Lucky]

Part of my problem with sex is the pressure of it. I always am anxious and sometimes feel like I'm about to hyperventilate.

 

Would watching porn with my wife, hurt or help, by distracting us both and looking at the sexy images on the screen?

 

Anyone?

 

You're over-thinking it. With the right meds (I've found Cialis works best for me), you could watch foreign language YouTube cat videos and still perform.

 

Get thee to a doctor...

 

Mr. Lucky

[pteromom]

Part of my problem with sex is the pressure of it. I always am anxious and sometimes feel like I'm about to hyperventilate.

 

That is why a vibrator is your friend. Takes the pressure off you.

 

Would watching porn with my wife, hurt or help, by distracting us both and looking at the sexy images on the screen?

 

Anyone?

 

Depends on your wife. You have to ask her whether she would find that a turn-on or turn-off.

[spanz1]

I got angry because she was telling me that while she would stay with me if I was proactive about my ED problem and trying to work it out, that she was ready to leave me if I continued to ignore it (not go to the doc/not work out, etc- like I've been doing, hoping it will go away on its own).

 

Now in hindsight, I know that I’m acting pretty immature. .

 

 

 

well realizing this is good, but did you go to your urologist yet? ACTIONS are what your wife wants to see, not hearing words.

 

 

the immature part was expecting her to sit by while you acted irrationally. Sex is TOO important to a relationship to blow it off. a horny spouse who is not getting sex in the marriage, will start to think of where ELSE to get it. its human nature. don't roll those dice again.

[CarrieT]

Would watching porn with my wife, hurt or help, by distracting us both and looking at the sexy images on the screen?

 

Anyone?

 

That is a discussion you would have to have with your wife... Some people really get into watching porn together - re-enacting scenes or getting off on what they are watching. Others *really* don't like it because they compare themselves to those bodies on the screen.

 

We don't know what kind of woman your wife is and if it something she would enjoy or not. I think much may depend on how you two communicate about sexual issues.