Why does this guy hate me?

[littleraindrops]

I am in late 20s and I have been seeing this guy in mid 20s from work. We started seeing each other not too long after I started working. He's planning to move away 6-7 months from now because he's not happy with his job and the people at work (although I cannot find anything wrong with them myself).

 

 

 

I didn't intend for us to be friends with benefits, so I am a bit frustrated. We did talk about what each of us wants, and they were obviously very different.

1) He doesn't want to put effort into whatever we have because he's moving away.

2) Knowing that he is moving away, I still wanted to do everything to enjoy the time as a couple because I'd rather do that than regret not having spent enough time together.

 

 

 

When we sit down together to talk about us, he does say that he likes me a lot and he doesn't just want sex, but a "connection". But that's not at all what he's showing me. He doesn't seem interested in what I want us to do together at all. He would tell me that he would do things together if I make plans (other than spending nights together), but when I do ask him, he says no. He says that the reason he wants me to make plans is because he wants to know that he's wanted (which I think I am good at showing). He also doesn't seem interested in inviting me to his house or gatherings with friends, as he used to, anymore. Especially spending nights at his house- I get the feeling that he's okay with whatever. If I invite myself to his house, he's fine, and if I don't, he's fine. He doesn't explicitly ask me to come spend time with him anymore.

 

 

 

Once, I asked him to join me in something I really enjoy doing, and he almost sounded offended that I asked him to do such thing. He was almost yelling and other people could hear our conversation. This hurt and confused me at the same time because he doesn't want people at work know about us, but he decided to raise his voice to let other hear us. I asked him to come volunteer with me. Is this something that would offend someone this much?

 

 

 

I've been told by other people that I am caring and thoughtful. And I pride those values because I always treat others in the way that I want to be treated. So I'm not sure what I did wrong to make him not like me (or whatever his feeling is now). It hurts to see the disgusted expression on his face, and to hear him say things like "you should leave" "you're stressing me out" "you're annoying me". I've never been treated this way before, so I am unhappy.

 

 

 

I try to do things with him when he shows interests in things. We recently went to an event that he wanted to go to. I didn't know much about it, but it looked interesting, so I went. I also thought that would be a good opportunity to spend time with him. I ended up paying for the tickets because I wanted to feel like a couple, and I knew he wouldn't have done it. We're going to another event in a few months, and I am the only person going with him because none of his friends wanted to join him. I am trying to show him that I care. But is this wrong (maybe paying for his tickets would have been a bit excessive, but really, is trying to do things with him wrong, especially knowing that he gets hurt when his friends decline his suggestions to attend those events?)?

 

 

 

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, if it's fixable, or if I should just let go of it. The tough thing about my situation is, we work together.These days, he won't even acknowledge me even if he walks by me.

 

 

 

 

He's had a few friends with benefits in the past. I think I'm sad that I can't be special to him, like he is to me.

Edited January 28, 2015 by littleraindrops

[preraph]

I think he thinks you're just crazy for settling for what little he's offering -- and paying for things on top of that! He really couldn't have been plainer. What he means by wants to feel wanted is his ego is benefitting from knowing he can put in zero effort and have a woman all over him paying for things, having sex, begging him to do things and that he can tell her no and she'll just keep coming back for more. I'm sure it makes good bragging to his friends, but he has zero respect for you and I don't see why you even want him. You're good for his ego and he has no desire to take it further or even try to do anything to make you happy for a day. You're just foolish if you don't totally dump this guy.

[todreaminblue]

friends with benefits to me implies a lack of commitment.....with lack of commitment...comes no strings ......to me....and i know not everyone feels this way but when relationships dont have strings they are not special enough to lock down...and keep......its not taking that step forward into recognizing how (special) that person is to you.....its a disposable situation based on basically sex......in fact...when sex is involved it becomes less friendship and more sex......

 

you have a right when you are unhappy to speak up and stand for what feels true to you..dare to eb true....to you...even if it means losing him along the way.....this relationship doesnt seem like you at all.....and it is not bringing you any feel good or secure emotions...a lot of indecision and not knowing where you stand...have an honest talk to him explain exactly how you feel ....and be honest.....is this relationship right for you really...only you know that...when you start saying things like you wish you were special to him....its a tell...on what your heart wants......do what is right for you.....or you wont be happy...is this your first friends with benefits i have that feeling it is....in saying you have never been treated like this before..............deb

[evanescentworld]

In his estimation, you are lower than a python's bollocks in a wheel-rut.

 

As my H. would say.

 

I personally think you may be lower than even that...

 

You have to quit this insanity, because it's never going to change, to make you feel in any way shape or form, any better than you feel now.

 

And frankly, if I felt the way you feel now, I'd probably hate myself.

 

Do you hate yourself so much that you're willing to let this progress...?

[Omei]

When we sit down together to talk about us, he does say that he likes me a lot and he doesn't just want sex, but a "connection".

 

 

This line is used time and time again from people in FWB to keep you hooked and lined just enough to make you feel like there may be more than just sex but that's all there is just sex that silly little line means nothing unless he's taking you out on dates.

 

It's the same as when a guy says "im not ready for a relationship but I really like you and I don't want you to feel like its just sex"

 

All of this is just words for I like you enough to stay until I find someone I want to be with that's not you.

[pteromom]

I've been told by other people that I am caring and thoughtful. And I pride those values because I always treat others in the way that I want to be treated.

 

That is very sweet, but everyone is not capable of doing that. Some people are so damaged or so self-hating, that they are unable to be open and kind to others.

 

This guy sounds like he has some major issues. At the same time, he has told you that he is only interested in FWB, so you are being foolish to keep trying to get him to like you when he has told you he only wants sex (and a "connection", which in FWB speak means that he wants you to be there when he is feeling lonely or needs a friend, but NOT to need anything back from him.)

 

So I'm not sure what I did wrong to make him not like me (or whatever his feeling is now). It hurts to see the disgusted expression on his face, and to hear him say things like "you should leave" "you're stressing me out" "you're annoying me". I've never been treated this way before, so I am unhappy.

 

That you continue to sleep with someone who treats you like this says more about you than it does about him.

 

Look - he wants you to be available for sex or for when he needs you for something, and otherwise, he wants you to leave him alone.

 

I think I'm sad that I can't be special to him, like he is to me.

 

I'm sorry.

The best thing to do is accept that reality, and move on to someone who wants the same thing you want. This guy doesn't.

[SycamoreCircle]

Shame on him for treating you this way.

 

Shame on you for allowing yourself to be treated this way.

[stillafool]

He doesn't feel the same way about you that you do about him and his actions are telling you this. Also he is leaving anyway so why get so involved with someone who is leaving town? I'm just curious but why is it when a guy says he only wants to be FWB women try to make this into a relationship. Don't you believe them when they tell you something.

Edited January 28, 2015 by stillafool

[Satu]

He likes the sex, but he's indifferent to you as a person.

 

Don't demean yourself by allowing this to continue.

[pteromom]

He likes the sex, but he's indifferent to you as a person.

 

Don't demean yourself by allowing this to continue.

 

AND - do not blame yourself for failing to gain his interest. Just because he isn't falling for you doesn't mean you are unlovable or not interesting or not attractive.

 

It just means there is something in him that isn't capable or ready to form a deeper attachment.

[Zahara]

I don't know what I'm doing wrong, if it's fixable, or if I should just let go of it. The tough thing about my situation is, we work together.These days, he won't even acknowledge me even if he walks by me.

 

Why is it when someone acts like a right douchebag, we question what we're doing wrong. This isn't about you. This isn't about your worth. The only thing you did wrong was tolerate being treated so poorly.

 

He's had a few friends with benefits in the past. I think I'm sad that I can't be special to him, like he is to me.

 

The more he rejects you, the harder you try. The harder you try, the worse he treats you. If you can't value yourself, why would he value you?

 

When you allow a man to disrespect you like this, you teach him that you will tolerate about anything to feel validated. That gives him power and while he's probably turned off by your dependence and weakness, he gets some satisfaction seeing you desperately seek his approval.

 

OP, please find your self-respect and walk away.

[littleraindrops]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who responded to my thread. I know it'll take some time, but I realized I need to value respect for myself before asking someone to respect me. I'm trying to just be polite to him, as we do work together, but no more than that.

 

I left work earlier than him this evening, and I think he wanted me to invite myself over to his house because he seemed like he wanted to say something when I waved at him. But I just simply said bye and left. And no texts or fb messages from him since. I think what you all said are true.

 

He was away for about a week this past week and I told him I missed him. I have been trying to express my feelings with him because I just wanted to be really open. I don't know whether that was the right thing, which makes me feel a bit stupid and careless, but I think it would have hurt me more not to say such thing because then I would have regretted not saying it at all.

 

I think I've done enough from my side. I'm not sure how I should cope with the current situation, but I'm hoping that I'll feel okay eventually.

 

Thank you for your kind words, everyone.

[Omei]

And did he even say I missed you back? bet he didn't.

[littleraindrops]

He didn't. In fact, he stopped texting completely after I said that. No words for two entire days over the weekend.

 

I'm now frustrated that my new career had started this way. I had no plan to see anyone while I was at this new job, which is only for two years. I am an idiot.

[Satu]

He didn't. In fact, he stopped texting completely after I said that. No words for two entire days over the weekend.

 

I'm now frustrated that my new career had started this way. I had no plan to see anyone while I was at this new job, which is only for two years. *I am an idiot.

 

*No you aren't, but you've learned a lesson, I think.

 

Walk on into the sunlight and leave this guy behind you.

[Omei]

He didn't. In fact, he stopped texting completely after I said that. No words for two entire days over the weekend.

 

I'm now frustrated that my new career had started this way. I had no plan to see anyone while I was at this new job, which is only for two years. I am an idiot.

 

Trust me when I say a good sum of us male and female has been through this, you're not an idiot.

[evanescentworld]

littleraindrops, I hate to sound like your archetypal "LIfe-Coach" but the more you seize your 'power' back, the more insistent he may become.

When he sees you withdrawing he will realise his free ride (physically-speaking) isn't so 'free' any more...

 

You may find he will up the ante and say things to draw you back in, to have sex with you.

 

Please don't believe a word he says.

 

It's not what people say that matters.

It's what they do.

 

And what he will DO is to SAY things to change your mind.

 

You need to distance yourself from him, not only physically, but in how you interact with him and engage with him.

Your Body language should very definitely demonstrate that there is now a barrier between you and him.

 

Be more cool, more aloof, less welcoming.

 

You may protest that this is not who you want to be; not who you are.

 

But it's honestly (as far as he is concerned) wh you need to become, and what you will, and eon't stand for.

 

And I guarantee you, when you see, when you realise, just how effective this attitude and new behaviour is, and just how well the shoe will be on the other foot, it will get easier, and you will see the benefit to yourself.

 

So much so, that your question will no longer be "Why does this guy hate me?" but "Wy on eath didn't I do this sooner...?!"

[littleraindrops]

evanescentworld,

 

Thank you for the heart-warming suggestions. I will try my best to follow your words.

 

However, when we talked a while back, he had said that he doesn't want to go back-and-forth, and whatever I want to do should be the final words. So I do believe that he won't force me to get back into this weird relationship if I told him I didn't want to be involved anymore. After all, he doesn't like me enough to put any effort anyways. I think it's just a matter of whether or not I can deal with not being close to him all of sudden. Though, I cannot tell if he is bluffing or being truthful when he says he will not go back-and-forth.

 

A part of me wants to ask him what made him not want to speak to me after I told him I missed him, but I am afraid that he'd say things hurtful. Or maybe that would be better.

 

 

I am trying to focus on my things currently. I keep going back to fb and re-read the previous messages, which is pathetic.

[evanescentworld]

evanescentworld,

 

Thank you for the heart-warming suggestions. I will try my best to follow your words.

 

However, when we talked a while back, he had said that he doesn't want to go back-and-forth, and whatever I want to do should be the final words. So I do believe that he won't force me to get back into this weird relationship if I told him I didn't want to be involved anymore.

 

Really? Let's wait and see, shall we? Remember, up to now, what he's said, and what he does have not always tied together, have they....?

 

After all, he doesn't like me enough to put any effort anyways. I think it's just a matter of whether or not I can deal with not being close to him all of sudden. Though, I cannot tell if he is bluffing or being truthful when he says he will not go back-and-forth.

 

See...? Even you're unsure of him...

 

Hmmm... well you need to redouble faith in yourself, because, bottom line?

 

That's all you've got right now.

 

 

A part of me wants to ask him what made him not want to speak to me after I told him I missed him, but I am afraid that he'd say things hurtful. Or maybe that would be better.

No, that's it.

Leave it.

He's aready made it demonstrably clear he's a flake and a player. He's not interested in your mind or emotions...

 

 

I am trying to focus on my things currently. I keep going back to fb and re-read the previous messages, which is pathetic.

I suggest you delete all traces, and begin the good life by blocking him in every way you can.

You know it makes sense....

[littleraindrops]

Okay, I'll leave it. I might need some time to built a gut to delete all the traces though.

 

I just remembered something he said, which was we should stop if I think he's in it just for sex. He also said that he doesn't think this is a healthy relationship, and since it's hurting me, we should stop. I don't remember responding to his suggestions either times. I think maybe I was secretly hoping that he was just saying it. This probably proves I am the one to be blamed for my pain. I think I was more afraid about how we'd interact if we stopped when he suggested.

[evanescentworld]

Okay, I'll leave it. I might need some time to built a gut to delete all the traces though.

 

I just remembered something he said, which was we should stop if I think he's in it just for sex. He also said that he doesn't think this is a healthy relationship, and since it's hurting me, we should stop. I don't remember responding to his suggestions either times.

I also don't remember him stopping it, or calling a halt....

Why didn't he put a brake on it, if he thought your suspicions were in your mind?

Answer Because that would have meant giving up the free sex.

 

he may be astute, but he's not into self-deprivation either....

 

I think maybe I was secretly hoping that he was just saying it.

There's no 'secetly' about it. And I'm certain he knew it....

 

This probably proves I am the one to be blamed for my pain. I think I was more afraid about how we'd interact if we stopped when he suggested.

He didn't suggest you stop, he suggested you stop if you thought this was all about sex.

And I think you knew it was, but don't blame yourself for being impressionable.

You're a good soul, and 'good souls' see the good in everyone, to their own detriment, at times....

[littleraindrops]

evanescentworld,

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and giving me an insight. I think I just wanted to pretend I didn't know that sex was all he has been going for. I think I knew, but was hoping that he would change his mind. I needed to hear words like yours to ensure that what I have suspected was right. Thank you.

[evanescentworld]

aw... jes' call me grammy, me an' mah rockin' chur....

 

Any time, feel free.

 

We're all here to help.

[pteromom]

You aren't an idiot. Almost ALL of us has learned this lesson.

 

Just don't be one of the people that have to learn it over and over and over.

[preraph]

You shouldn't blame yourself for expecting more from a person than they are able to deliver. It's just a life lesson learned. You gave him the benefit of the doubt. You gave it a shot. He simply isn't someone who can live up to your standards, but you keep those standards in place and next time it won't take so long to realize when someone just isn't the right one for you.