Should I tell my husband?

[Frienddrama]

You all are absolutely right. I plan to tell him tomorrow night. I honestly think he already senses it and is waiting for me to tell him, as he's seen the connection and everything. Thanks for the support.

[jbp005]

I would tell him. I was involved with my best friends wife. I ended it about 3 weeks ago. The result was I told him I couldn't be friends with him anymore, and went no contact with her. Would you rather him find out from you or someone else? Because I feel like I'm eventually going to tell him, I am single though so that might make a difference. I know I need closure as far as our friendship, and don't want him thinking it can get back to how it was one day.

 

Just be glad yall decided not to take it any further because it destroys friendships and families.

Edited January 29, 2015 by jbp005

[elaine567]

If you tell your husband, you have to be aware that you will risk your marriage and you may be out on your ear with or without your children.

He may file for divorce immediately or you may go through your marriage from now on with him never trusting a word you say.

He may be inclined to believe his friend over you and no doubt the friend will do his utmost to blame you for everything. Just because you know it wasn't physical, doesn't mean your husband will believe you.

Also an emotional affair to some is just as devastating as a full blown physical affair, as it involves betrayal; whether or not it was physical may be immaterial.

The fabric of the marriage has been torn and some never forgive or forget.

 

I am not sure if your husband IS waiting for you to say something or is it your guilty conscience making you see it in that way?

 

BSs on here always see disclosure as the only way, as they were cheated on and they would have liked to have been told, but you have to weigh up what is best for YOUR family here.

A broken home is no fun for kids, living with a spouse whose whole world has fallen apart is no fun.

Is confessing in everyone's best interests?

Your husband may know and is keeping quiet, head in the sand, not wanting to rock the boat perhaps, OR he may have no idea and think the "friends" are just having marital problems, OR he may have not noticed anything. Some men are blissfully unaware of emotional tensions.

 

Once you confess, divulge the truth and confirm his suspicions (if he has any), he has to act and if he has to act, then he may have to kick you out to save face.

I know confessing sounds like it will take a weight off your mind and relieve your guilty conscience, but you have to think through the consequences carefully. The MM's wife, if she knows, may have forgiven him, but there is no guarantee your husband will react in the same way.

Do you have somewhere to stay in an emergency, if he does tell you to leave tomorrow night, for instance?

Are you financially prepared to weather the break down of your marriage?

Think carefully here.

[Mrs. John Adams]

If you tell your husband, you have to be aware that you will risk your marriage and you may be out on your ear with or without your children.

 

She should have thought about this BEFORE she started messing around with the neighbor.

 

 

and if she does not tell him...what happens if 10 years from now he finds out about this little emotional affair?

 

will it be easier to digest then that she has lied to him all these years?

 

Is it a risk worth taking years from now...or is it better to get it out in the open and deal with it now?

 

I agree...think carefully before making a decision...but base it on what is best for your husband not what is best for you. You have already acted selfishly by becoming involved with your neighbor.

 

I am not here to throw stones at anyone....but i am also not here to sweep crap under the rug and pretend it is all ok.

 

I am hoping it all works out and he is understanding....

[jbrent890]

If you tell your husband, you have to be aware that you will risk your marriage and you may be out on your ear with or without your children.

 

She should have thought about this BEFORE she started messing around with the neighbor.

 

 

and if she does not tell him...what happens if 10 years from now he finds out about this little emotional affair?

 

will it be easier to digest then that she has lied to him all these years?

 

Is it a risk worth taking years from now...or is it better to get it out in the open and deal with it now?

 

I agree...think carefully before making a decision...but base it on what is best for your husband not what is best for you. You have already acted selfishly by becoming involved with your neighbor.

 

I am not here to throw stones at anyone....but i am also not here to sweep crap under the rug and pretend it is all ok.

 

I am hoping it all works out and he is understanding....

 

What I love about this advice is that it's coming from FWS. Hopefully this will end the whole only BSs will tell you to confess argument. Mrs. Adams, over the span of two days you have become my new favorite poster. The advice that you give really hits home.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thank you...my heart breaks for her because i know how frightened she is...but my fear is...if she doesn't confess...it will be certain doom down the road.

 

It is an ugly situation no matter how you slice it...and no one wins.

[AlwaysGrowing]

There are definitely two schools of thoughts when it comes to disclosure.

 

For myself, to not disclose is putting yourself/wants/needs/goals/morals/ethics above your spouses. It is very clearly putting the family/marriage as "YOURS" (as another poster stated) and not OURS.

 

At the end of the day...it is only about WHO you want to be. What do I stand for?

 

Are you someone who manipulates your spouse to stay married to you?

Are you someone who does not take responsibility for your actions?

Are you someone who can accept the consequences for your actions?

Are you someone who understands that your "rights" end...where the "rights" of others begin?

Am I someone who can self incriminate or do others need to build a "case" against me?

 

Personally, I am my own keeper. I am able to hold myself accountable because I can not unknow the wrongs I have done. The only way that I know how to live with the wrongs that I have done is to accept responsibility. With that, I then was able to let go/change/grow/heal from the toxic thought processes/behaviours/actions/coping skills.

 

What I have always found difficult to understand about not confessing school of thought is....do those same individuals teach their children to lie to avoid consequences? Or accept being lied to? Don't parents/educators spend years trying to teach that lesson? Or do just some of us?

[jbrent890]

You are more than welcome. God knows confession isn't an easy task, but it is the right one. The fatal flaw in logic that a lot of people on this site who stress not to confess have is that they think confession destroys the marriage. That's not true at all. The fact that the person went outside the marriage is what destroys the marriage.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Always growing...BRAVO! that was intuitive! Very well said.

 

jbrent...you are absolutely correct.....the act of infidelity is what risked the marriage...not the confession.

[sidney2718]

If you tell your husband, you have to be aware that you will risk your marriage and you may be out on your ear with or without your children.

He may file for divorce immediately or you may go through your marriage from now on with him never trusting a word you say.

He may be inclined to believe his friend over you and no doubt the friend will do his utmost to blame you for everything. Just because you know it wasn't physical, doesn't mean your husband will believe you.

Also an emotional affair to some is just as devastating as a full blown physical affair, as it involves betrayal; whether or not it was physical may be immaterial.

The fabric of the marriage has been torn and some never forgive or forget.

 

I am not sure if your husband IS waiting for you to say something or is it your guilty conscience making you see it in that way?

 

BSs on here always see disclosure as the only way, as they were cheated on and they would have liked to have been told, but you have to weigh up what is best for YOUR family here.

A broken home is no fun for kids, living with a spouse whose whole world has fallen apart is no fun.

Is confessing in everyone's best interests?

Your husband may know and is keeping quiet, head in the sand, not wanting to rock the boat perhaps, OR he may have no idea and think the "friends" are just having marital problems, OR he may have not noticed anything. Some men are blissfully unaware of emotional tensions.

 

Once you confess, divulge the truth and confirm his suspicions (if he has any), he has to act and if he has to act, then he may have to kick you out to save face.

I know confessing sounds like it will take a weight off your mind and relieve your guilty conscience, but you have to think through the consequences carefully. The MM's wife, if she knows, may have forgiven him, but there is no guarantee your husband will react in the same way.

Do you have somewhere to stay in an emergency, if he does tell you to leave tomorrow night, for instance?

Are you financially prepared to weather the break down of your marriage?

Think carefully here.

 

Elaine has presented the downside of telling your husband. But your situation is slightly different. There is already tension between your two families, right? Given that something is fairly apt to leak. So my vote goes to telling your husband. And do it when your kids are out of the house.

 

That could be a rough experience. Tell him everything, but don't give details unless your husband wants to know the details. And don't blame the OM for everything, just for his share. And then tell your husband how sorry you are.

 

I hope he will have a serious but calm discussion with you -- if not right away then in a few days when he's calmed down. You have not only got to convince him that you are sorry (and the best way to do that is to really be sorry), but you have to try to restore your husband's trust in you. That is going to be very very hard since you didn't tell him until the OM dumped you. Your husband would think that the affair might have gone further if he had not done that.

 

The one thing you can stress is that you resisted taking it to a physical level. You can say with some truth that you may well have never allowed that to happen. Your husband may or may not believe you.

 

The relationship between your two families will get chewed up in this, since neither your husband nor his wife will be comfortable with you and him being together. And your children's relationship will likely be shattered as well.

 

And let me say this: your children will likely figure out what is going on, or at least most of it. So at some point you and your husband have to have a quiet calm discussion about how much to tell them -- because you will have to tell them something.

 

Good luck to you. I wish you and your husband peace and happiness.

[sidney2718]

You are more than welcome. God knows confession isn't an easy task, but it is the right one. The fatal flaw in logic that a lot of people on this site who stress not to confess have is that they think confession destroys the marriage. That's not true at all. The fact that the person went outside the marriage is what destroys the marriage.

 

I agree. In fact it may be the confession that saves the marriage. Why? Because some men can get over a mild emotional affair but not a physical one. And it wasn't a physical one. If the OP is not being truthful about that, all bets are off.

[curiousGeorge2]

If you tell your husband, you have to be aware that you will risk your marriage and you may be out on your ear with or without your children.

He may file for divorce immediately or you may go through your marriage from now on with him never trusting a word you say.

He may be inclined to believe his friend over you and no doubt the friend will do his utmost to blame you for everything. Just because you know it wasn't physical, doesn't mean your husband will believe you.

Also an emotional affair to some is just as devastating as a full blown physical affair, as it involves betrayal; whether or not it was physical may be immaterial.

The fabric of the marriage has been torn and some never forgive or forget.

 

I am not sure if your husband IS waiting for you to say something or is it your guilty conscience making you see it in that way?

 

BSs on here always see disclosure as the only way, as they were cheated on and they would have liked to have been told, but you have to weigh up what is best for YOUR family here.

A broken home is no fun for kids, living with a spouse whose whole world has fallen apart is no fun.

Is confessing in everyone's best interests?

Your husband may know and is keeping quiet, head in the sand, not wanting to rock the boat perhaps, OR he may have no idea and think the "friends" are just having marital problems, OR he may have not noticed anything. Some men are blissfully unaware of emotional tensions.

 

Once you confess, divulge the truth and confirm his suspicions (if he has any), he has to act and if he has to act, then he may have to kick you out to save face.

I know confessing sounds like it will take a weight off your mind and relieve your guilty conscience, but you have to think through the consequences carefully. The MM's wife, if she knows, may have forgiven him, but there is no guarantee your husband will react in the same way.

Do you have somewhere to stay in an emergency, if he does tell you to leave tomorrow night, for instance?

Are you financially prepared to weather the break down of your marriage?

Think carefully here.

 

 

Completely agreed with this one. Besides the risks the pp mentioned, are you sure that your spouse want to know? Also, if your marriage is not that good, disclosure will make it more complicated.

Edited January 31, 2015 by curiousGeorge2