Anyone been in this situation..how did you deal with it?

[luce83]

Short story, spilt up with my ex back last September after 3.5 years. He was speaking to me like crap, treating me like crap and in one moment I ended it.

 

We got back together just before new years eve, said we would both work on out issues etc. Now I knew he has dated this girl from work (who had liked him since beg of last year and denies any cheating), however he led me to believe that he hardly saw her whilst dating. I asked him do I need to go the GU clinic and it took him 5 minutes to say well 'I don't think I've caught anything from her'.

 

Given the fact he used to give me crap about my past boyfriends when we first started dating, I didn't expect him to jump into the sack 5 weeks after we spilt.

 

I'm struggling to deal with this now finding out, its been 6 days since I've asked and I'm thinking of cutting and run.

 

I'm not saying he couldn't do what he wanted but now since this has come out he acting all very nice and needy, whereas before earlier this month it was like he was hiding something which I wouldn't like....

 

Anyone been in this situation...what did you do? Did you get past it?

[evanescentworld]

Short story, spilt up with my ex back last September after 3.5 years. He was speaking to me like crap, treating me like crap and in one moment I ended it.

 

We got back together just before new years eve,

 

There's your mistake, right there....

 

said we would both work on out issues etc. Now I knew he has dated this girl from work (who had liked him since beg of last year and denies any cheating), however he led me to believe that he hardly saw her whilst dating. I asked him do I need to go the GU clinic and it took him 5 minutes to say well 'I don't think I've caught anything from her'.

He's obviously working hard on his issues, then....

 

Given the fact he used to give me crap about my past boyfriends when we first started dating, I didn't expect him to jump into the sack 5 weeks after we spilt.

Oh.

You think it was that long? I'd be surprised if it genuinely was...

 

I'm struggling to deal with this now finding out, its been 6 days since I've asked and I'm thinking of cutting and run.

You're 'thinking' of it?

What's to think about...?

 

I'm not saying he couldn't do what he wanted but now since this has come out he acting all very nice and needy,

No, he's still treating you like crap... he lied to you, withheld info, and is now being all creepy to keep you form cutting and running.... you don't see it?

 

whereas before earlier this month it was like he was hiding something which I wouldn't like....

..."It was like he was...."?

No - He WAS Hiding something!!

 

Anyone been in this situation...what did you do? Did you get past it?

 

You really want to work that hard?

Does he?

Are you seeing the devotion and commitment, the honesty and openness you'd respect him with and give him?

 

So...?

[idoltree]

Short story, spilt up with my ex back last September after 3.5 years. He was speaking to me like crap, treating me like crap and in one moment I ended it.

 

When you ended it, you lost your perceived ownership of him. The relationship commitment was severed by you. He could do what he wants.

 

Perhaps you'd have a more balanced perspective if you'd also slept with someone else. But it seems like you view the time apart as a pause rather than a split, but unless you as the dumper made that clear to the dumpee, that's on you.

 

We got back together just before new years eve, said we would both work on out issues etc. Now I knew he has dated this girl from work (who had liked him since beg of last year and denies any cheating), however he led me to believe that he hardly saw her whilst dating. I asked him do I need to go the GU clinic and it took him 5 minutes to say well 'I don't think I've caught anything from her'.

Why is this conversation happening this way? Did the two of you rush into having unprotected sex when you got back together?

 

Why not acknowledge that he slept with someone else, and have protected sex until he is properly tested, especially if he had unprotected sex with her?

 

If you're going to reconcile and have unprotected sex, then both of you need to be honest if you've been with others since you last slept together. Did you explicitly ask and he lied? If not, you're not a victim here. You make your own choices for your body, and unless he was outright deceitful to an inquiry from you, he's done nothing wrong.

 

Given the fact he used to give me crap about my past boyfriends when we first started dating, I didn't expect him to jump into the sack 5 weeks after we spilt.

You left him. By doing that, you left your right to feel entitled to choices he makes for himself and his own life. He was single, it's his body, thinking he should remain faithful to you after you ended the relationship is a load of crap. Sorry. You need to get over yourself and your ridiculous expectations of how he should treat YOU after you broke up with him.

 

He owed you nothing, and upon leaving him, he was under zero obligation to consider your feelings in his decision making. Just like when you broke up with him, you were operating with zero obligation in considering his feelings in your decision making. You took away his power in breaking up with him, and now you're upset that he essentially took some of it back by not remaining "faithful" to you.

 

I'm struggling to deal with this now finding out, its been 6 days since I've asked and I'm thinking of cutting and run.

Breaking up didn't work out so well for you last time. Perhaps impulsive decisions should be avoided?

 

I'm not saying he couldn't do what he wanted

Yeah, you kinda are... own it, don't act like you're not doing this. It's okay to struggle with this, but you need to acknowledge the reality that you are in fact saying that he could not do what he wanted.

 

but now since this has come out he acting all very nice and needy, whereas before earlier this month it was like he was hiding something which I wouldn't like....

Possibly because he knew you would react badly, huh? Seems he was right.

 

Anyone been in this situation...what did you do? Did you get past it?

If you're going to reconcile, you need to accept that he had no obligation to you after you broke up with him. It needs to be a brand new relationship, with the past left in the past. Accordingly, just as you wouldn't punish a new partner for their past choices in relationships and sexual partners, you should not be punishing him. You had zero rights to his body after you left him, and an expectation that he save himself for you after you ended the relationship is out of line.