Ex-wife asked to get back BUT asked time to get rid of rebound

[glycerine]

Hi All,

Broke up 6 months ago.

 

She:

Moved out to her mothers for a month then to a rental apartment.

Started a relationship about two months ago. Which she tried to keep secret. She's currently without a job and her mother supports her.

 

I:

-I was diagnosed BipolarPD and Fibromyalgia about 20 months ago, the doc said I'm fine about 3 months ago.

-Since the pain of Fribromyalgia is gone I got back to running which I do regulary and participate on 5k/10k's

-Dropped 66pounds, had to buy new clothes, changed my hairstyle (for me, not for her, honest).

-I was able to get in touch with my family and friends much more. Most of our mutual friends only hang with me.

-I haven't had any time to really get into a girl, I was so tired of caring for others, but little by little, no matter how good things are loniless started to creep.

-I'm a very romantic and sensitive guy (blessing and curse) I realize that even though I enjoy being alone I'm more of a relationship guy rather than a one-night-stand pro.

 

Two weeks ago her current bf pressured her to call me and ask to start the divorce papers (she told me after that it was him that pressured). I complied as I was waiting for both: she to move on and her to ask for the divorce in order to start searching for a new relationship (meanwhile i would work on myself)

 

I tried to keep NC most of the time, I did call her for her bday, and when I needed her to sign stuff.

 

Last saturday we officially started the papers with the divorce lawyer. She then asked to have lunch with me and told me she missed me. That the relationship she has now wasn't working for a couple weeks, and she's been hoping to end it.

 

She said that she loves me as I'm now happy and wants to be happy with me (tbh I was reaally hard to be around during the bipolar days).

 

She didn't say anything because she thought that because she's had sex with the guy I wouldn't even think of taking her back.

 

Now I feel like neither of has no right to talk about what has happened onn this 6 months, the relationship was over. And honestly since I'm healed I don't see it worth to waste any second dwelling in the past or worrying about the future. I still have feelings for her and the chemistry is very strong.

 

THE PROBLEM:

She says the other guy's gone bananas because all along their (rebound) relationship he showed deep insecurities and got mad whenever I called or reach in some way FEARING THAT I SHE WOULD STILL WANNA GET BACK WITH ME. She blocked me on Facebook and Whatsapp at his request. (I was into NC so was like whaterver). She's always picked up my calls, and by the time she was on her new relationship she would talk like she had a gun pointing at her head (she would call me after from a different phone and say sorry crying)

 

We made out on that lunch and she asked me to give her a week to lay the guy easy, telling him she's leaving him for the problems of their own relationship, and not because of me. She's also asked me if we could meet only on my apartment for the time being, and a couple weeks after they break up.

 

I agreed to this as she guarantees she's making things so he doesn't bother us ever again (her words).

 

WHAT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY: I have no ways to contact her meanwhile, as she's asked me to please not call her, especially these days, as she's breaking up with the guy and he might realize that she's getting back with me.

 

We see each other every 2-3 days which is fine by me, I suppose we should take things slow.

 

I know her story might make sense, but I CAN'T HELP TO FEEL THAT SHE'S PLAYING ME.

 

Before she spilled the beans, I had just reached the point where I wanted to start dating a lot.

 

I was just about to go into this very lady like girl. I didn't made my move before because I didn't knew if my ex was on a place where she wouldn't sabotage me (read: make sure she didn't care for me)

 

I'm not the Bipolar dude anymore, I guess it's worth a shot at least.

 

So I'm being patient fro this couple of weeks (it's reaally hard) BUT I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING STEPS BACK.

---------------------

P.S. Something that reaaally helped me get back on track was Buddhism, not only about the breakup, but the Bipolar stuff as well.

 

I really feel she wanted to move on with her life but couldn't. and I know that has nothing to do with what's best for me.

Edited January 29, 2015 by glycerine

[CarrieT]

Nope, nope, nope.

 

She doesn't know the You that you have become. Heck, I am not even sure that YOU know the you have become.

 

Stop the divorce proceedings if you think there is the potential of a reconciliation, sure, but continue No Contact for a year - or maybe even two!

 

She needs to figure out what led her to cheat. You need to figure out if you want that person back.

 

Then, after considerable time (and I'm thinking at least a year or two!), come back together and date. Get to know each other for who you two have become; not as a rebound from a failed affair and not as a desperate man whose wife left him.

 

I think you should continue the healing process, but without the complications of trying to reconcile just because her Greener Grass turned brown.

[glycerine]

Thanks!

About figuring out if I want the person back: that's mostly the only reason why I'm considering dating her know, get her fast out of the pedestal.

 

But! If you should hear her side of the story (I wonder what that would be) maybe you could throw her a bone, after all, all my friends, coworkers and even my family kept telling me that I was too hard on her during the peak of my Bipolar behavior.

 

I'm trying to think as if this is doomed to fail and the only reason is to go along this couple weeks is to get some closure.

[idoltree]

Nope, nope, nope.

 

She doesn't know the You that you have become. Heck, I am not even sure that YOU know the you have become.

 

Stop the divorce proceedings if you think there is the potential of a reconciliation, sure, but continue No Contact for a year - or maybe even two!

 

She needs to figure out what led her to cheat. You need to figure out if you want that person back.

 

Then, after considerable time (and I'm thinking at least a year or two!), come back together and date. Get to know each other for who you two have become; not as a rebound from a failed affair and not as a desperate man whose wife left him.

 

I think you should continue the healing process, but without the complications of trying to reconcile just because her Greener Grass turned brown.

 

Agree with the above.

 

She jumped from you pretty quickly to this guy (who she probably had lined up as an option before she left you), now she wants to jump from him to you. And you're okay with that? Essentially she's saying that she thought things would be better with him and they're not, so she'd like the option of coming back to you, please, before she breaks up with him.

 

She's had zero time without a guy in her life to figure herself out. Why did she do what she did? How will you ever know she won't do it again when the going gets tough in your marriage?

 

She needs time without a guy in her life to do some serious self-reflection before you should have any confidence in her words and promises. Of course, you can't make her stay single. She may be someone who is really afraid of being on her own, as evidenced by her relationship monkey-branching (making sure she's got another lined up before she leaves the one she's in.) She lined you up and now she wants you to sit there while she takes her sweet time breaking up with the other guy. That's a bit disgusting, honestly. Why didn't she just break up with him, take some time to get her head on straight, then pursue reconciliation with you? Does she only want to break up with him if she's got a fallback option? Why not just break up with him if she's so unhappy, without lining up another option?

 

I think you're worth way more than this. She treated you as disposable, and wanting to come back because her new relationship wasn't as she'd planned isn't a good enough reason for you to commit to her again. She's got to live with herself for awhile before you even think about taking her back, but chances are she's terrified to have to face herself as a single person. Secure mature women don't monkey branch.

 

And you could use more time yourself. It seems you feel guilty about being bipolar and the impact on your marriage, and so you feel you don't deserve better from her. You need to forgive yourself.

 

I don't think you should contact her to tell her you've changed your mind. Let her break up with that guy, try to come back, and tell her you've reconsidered and you'd like more time apart. If she freaks out, it's an easy way to understand whether she's viewing you as a tool to better her life and keep her from being single instead of a human being who she loves and whose needs matter as much as her own needs.

 

If this is going to have legs, you both need to be strong individuals on your own, and then slowly get to know one another again. Take a look at the thread by Day.One to see how it's done.

Edited January 29, 2015 by idoltree

[glycerine]

 

I don't think you should contact her to tell her you've changed your mind. Let her break up with that guy, try to come back, and tell her you've reconsidered and you'd like more time apart. If she freaks out, it's an easy way to understand whether she's viewing you as a tool to better her life and keep her from being single instead of a human being who she loves and whose needs matter as much as her own needs.

 

That's a good idea. She should really get used to being single.

 

She says she has a reason why it's taking her so long to break up with guy, She asked me to please trust her, that she'll explain all to me and she says it'll make perfect sense. (wth?)

 

I really would like to start dating NOW, but I suppose I should get things straight with her before. And not get one more person involved in this mess.

 

I honestly know I have habbits inside a relationship that go gainst my own good, and that I should continue to heal on my own, but at the same time I guess sooner or later I have to start trying to find a healthy relationship.

[idoltree]

That's a good idea. She should really get used to being single.

 

She says she has a reason why it's taking her so long to break up with guy, She asked me to please trust her, that she'll explain all to me and she says it'll make perfect sense. (wth?)

 

I really would like to start dating NOW, but I suppose I should get things straight with her before. And not get one more person involved in this mess.

 

I honestly know I have habbits inside a relationship that go gainst my own good, and that I should continue to heal on my own, but at the same time I guess sooner or later I have to start trying to find a healthy relationship.

 

I guess I'm confused about you referencing dating others.

 

First, do you want her back, or no? If no, then there's no more decisions to be made. If yes, then take significant time apart and don't muddy the waters on your end with other people. You could ask her to stay single, but you can't control whether she actually does that.

 

And you need to think about whether instant gratification is better or if short-term pain for long-term gain is better. Do you want to rush back into it and possibly face the same old arguments, and have to constantly wonder if she's got a wandering eye? Or do you want to build a new stronger relationship with two people who have dealt with their own issues that they brought into the previous relationship?

 

The two of you need to do the latter if you're both interested in saving your marriage. Getting back together right away is just a way to make yourselves feel better in the moment, and may be more painful long-term.

[glycerine]

Getting back together right away is just a way to make yourselves feel better in the moment, and may be more painful long-term.

 

I'm in for long term solutions. About my intentions: I want to try and see if there's anything left worth fighting for.

 

On monkey branching: she didn't know the guy 3 months ago, dated for 1 month before going steady.

She said she wanted to end things with the guy before asking to get back, but she rushed beacuse I was going forward with the divorce.

 

She's even told me that she could wait for me to try and work things with someone else (I don't want to leave her on hold and who knows when I'll stumble into someone worth my time).

 

 

She's asked me to take things slow. She seems centered at times, sometimes she seems completly lost and deppresed. And she knows that.

I'll be honest and admit that I tried to rush things at the beginning, unintentionally, and she has kept things calmer.

 

BUT! Sometimes it feels more like we're taking things slow because I'm on the freezer while she finishes her bussiness.

 

 

About dating other people, I ment it as where I paused this before she ask to get back.

 

 

A female friend told me I should tell her to spend at least six months apart where we both try not to date anyone.

[idoltree]

I'm in for long term solutions. About my intentions: I want to try and see if there's anything left worth fighting for.

 

On monkey branching: she didn't know the guy 3 months ago, dated for 1 month before going steady.

She said she wanted to end things with the guy before asking to get back, but she rushed beacuse I was going forward with the divorce.

 

She's even told me that she could wait for me to try and work things with someone else (I don't want to leave her on hold and who knows when I'll stumble into someone worth my time).

 

She's asked me to take things slow. She seems centered at times, sometimes she seems completly lost and deppresed. And she knows that.

I'll be honest and admit that I tried to rush things at the beginning, unintentionally, and she has kept things calmer.

 

BUT! Sometimes it feels more like we're taking things slow because I'm on the freezer while she finishes her bussiness.

 

 

About dating other people, I ment it as where I paused this before she ask to get back.

 

 

A female friend told me I should tell her to spend at least six months apart where we both try not to date anyone.

 

This post actually makes me feel more hopeful than your first. You explain things much better here.

 

Go read Day.One's post in Second Chances from start to finish. Two married people, separate, but working on slowly reconnecting - that's what you're going to need. You'll need time to let go of your guilt for how you treated her, she'll need time to get over her resentment and whatever led her to leave and date someone else.

 

Your female friend is on the right track. Of course, you can't make your ex do that, but if you present it as working on yourselves so you can create something healthy and lasting, then she might be okay with it. But, again, she needs to spend time on her own, single, without leaning on you. She needs to face her own fears and demons without a relationship to prop her up. I'd recommend short (1/2 hour) phone conversations once a week for the first couple months, then meeting once a week for a couple of months and slowly bumping up the frequency. You can't view one another as your salvation from your own problems, which is what led to the failure of your marriage. Become two strong people choosing to be together and choosing to treat one another well.

[glycerine]

I really think the little by little approach is a good idea. Bumping up /rewarding each other little by little.

In any case, if this doesn't work, I guess this is what I need. Learn that whomever I choose to be, intimacy has to be built little by little.

I almost rebounded (with one of her friends) because I felt I could easily get back to that level of intimacy that I was used to when married.

I guess she rebounded for the same reason, missing having somebody with whom you could be close.

It seems if we don't take it slow we'll both be each others rebound of our old relationship.

Btw Thank you for taking the time to answer.