Josmatjes Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Ok so I'm actually doing good. But today it's not him I want to contact, it's his wife. We used to be good friends and our girls are still friends...I don't know what I want? To make amends, get forgiveness! She doesn't know it was me, she just thinks he tried to be with me. I hate him and I'm so pissed at myself for forgetting who I am. Now I have this awful guilt hanging over my head for the rest of my life. I just wanted to reach out to her to see how she is and maybe talk. I know I'm gonna be butchered for these thoughts but we still see each other at events and I just wanted to make, maybe, both of us feel better.... All advice welcome Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Ok so I'm actually doing good. But today it's not him I want to contact, it's his wife. We used to be good friends and our girls are still friends...I don't know what I want? To make amends, get forgiveness! She doesn't know it was me, she just thinks he tried to be with me. I hate him and I'm so pissed at myself for forgetting who I am. Now I have this awful guilt hanging over my head for the rest of my life. I just wanted to reach out to her to see how she is and maybe talk. I know I'm gonna be butchered for these thoughts but we still see each other at events and I just wanted to make, maybe, both of us feel better.... All advice welcome It's a catch 22. She will be relieved to know who the affair was with. But then she has to digest that it was a friend. It is tough. Did you stop talking because she knows he tried with you or some other reason? Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Ok so I'm actually doing good. But today it's not him I want to contact, it's his wife. We used to be good friends and our girls are still friends...I don't know what I want? To make amends, get forgiveness! She doesn't know it was me, she just thinks he tried to be with me. I hate him and I'm so pissed at myself for forgetting who I am. Now I have this awful guilt hanging over my head for the rest of my life. I just wanted to reach out to her to see how she is and maybe talk. I know I'm gonna be butchered for these thoughts but we still see each other at events and I just wanted to make, maybe, both of us feel better.... All advice welcome Please leave her alone. If you want to tell her that it was you, do that because she deserves to know who it was. How do you know her H hasn't told her? Maybe she already knows. You shouldn't ever try to be her friend again because no one needs friends who will mess around with their husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Now I have this awful guilt hanging over my head for the rest of my life. It's not her job or responsibility to ease your guilt. I'm sorry, it's not. Do not contact her. Leave it in the past. It's drama...and it's contact...by way of mind fing. If she wants to talk to you, she'd reach out to you. Respect that she hasn't. Check your reasons. I wonder if your anger for him is making up excuses and searching for ways to get to him...through her. Do not contact her. Sit with your own guilt. You did this...not her. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I can't believe that you talking to the wife will make both of you feel better. I'm not even sure it would actually make you feel better. You've made a bad choice and now you are suffering the consequences of those choices. Guilt in this situation is completely understandable. However, there's no point seeking alleviation of that guilt from outside sources. You need to work on forgiving yourself. P.S Good work with the NC, keep it up, you're doing great. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Keep up the good work with NC. As far as your friendship with the BS, I would move on as it is no longer a friendship. You betrayed your friend whether she knows or not. You will have to forgive yourself and heal from this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
irishguy Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Contacting her wouldnt make anyone feel better , it would make the betrayal worse for her if she doesnt know its you .So forget about any contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Thank you for your responses. I didn't contact her. I think I was mental this morning when I was thinking of it. And I have not contacted him and I'm doing good. Btw, if you are struggling with nc ...anger at him works wonders. I mean once I pulled my head out of my ass and realized it was all make believe! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 Ok si it's almost 5 weeks of no contact and I bumped into him in a store today. It was weird, I was shaking like a leaf. We both said hi how are you? And talked for about 20 minutes. He said that he understood why I stopped communicating with him, and I said cause I can't deal w your lies. He said he didn't lie...whatever!! Anyway I felt sad because I missed him but at the same time sad for him that he is still so self destructive. I don't know what I feel right now...I miss him but I'm still feeling a lot of anger towards him. I think he was really happy to see me..but do I care? I don't know... I need some feedback .... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 No good, no real dedication in your NC. You will be knee deep in 5...4......3............2 20 min is far too long hell 20 sec is too long. Now that he knows you will talk if he approaches you, NC is over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 No good, no real dedication in your NC. You will be knee deep in 5...4......3............2 20 min is far too long hell 20 sec is too long. Now that he knows you will talk if he approaches you, NC is over. So what do I do? I mean i wasn't all warm and fuzzy.... I don't want to start this up again it's just too tiring....I just don't have the energy anymore..... Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 You should ignore him completely. Don't even say hello. You know why. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 Your right.... Although most of that 20 minutes was awkward silence or him being his narcissistic self..... It's over with us..... I know this.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Don't beat yourself up or let anyone else on here beat you up. It's not like you planned it. You bumped into him, it's bound to happen. Now regroup and remember why you started NC in the first place. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I agree with Blu. It's a blip. Think of it like a diet. If you fall off the wagon and overeat for a day that doesn't mean you have to give up completely. You just start again the next day. You did speak to him for too long in my opinion, but I'm assuming that you didn't expect to see him so it completely caught you off guard. Well, get back on the NC wagon. Also, have a think about how you will react if you're unfortunate enough to bump into him randomly again. Have a plan in place. Act it out in practice if you think it will help. Cross the street, go to the bathroom, dive into another aisle, pretend to be on your phone. That'd be my approach. At this point even a cursory hello is too good for him, and I think it would be better for you if you just ignored him completely. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 Yeah I should of just said hi how are you, gotta go... But I just was like a deer in headlights.. Awful!! Thank god for this site because normally I'd be dissecting the whole thing but now I'm not. It was inevitable cause we live very close so maybe it's better ts over and out of the way.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 So what do I do? I mean i wasn't all warm and fuzzy.... I don't want to start this up again it's just too tiring....I just don't have the energy anymore..... I'm not looking to beat you up as others suggest. Remember it was a series of SMALL steps that got you into the affair in the beginning. Ignore those small steps and one leads to another until you've walked right back in. This isn't just a blimp, that would be lingering past hello. What you did was let your emotions over ride your mind. That's the problem. Don't allow others to placate you with the "its no big deal" you know it is which is why you came here with it. There is where the progress lays, you know this is out of line. Link to post Share on other sites
Blu72 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 No one is placating her. She is human and came into a situation she was not prepared for and handled it in a fog because it was unexpected. She obviously knows this, that is why she came here to admit it and regroup. I don't necessarily think that equates to her being back in the affair in ....5,4,3,2,1 as you suggested. The fact that they live so close means they probably will run into each other from time to time. She's now learning to navigate that dynamic of NC as it relates to her situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 I have seen him around before when I was driving..twice, I know he saw me. I didn't wave and drove away fast so I am making progress. Dk, it's not as easy as it sounds... It's baby steps to making myself stronger. And I'm still having a lot of marital problems that had nothing to do with the affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria_Smellons Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 This isn't just a blimp, that would be lingering past hello. What you did was let your emotions over ride your mind. That's the problem. Don't allow others to placate you with the "its no big deal" you know it is which is why you came here with it. There is where the progress lays, you know this is out of line. I see what you're saying DKT3, and to some extent I do agree with you. It would be the easiest thing in the world to slip back into the affair. I didn't mean to suggest that Jos become complacent. However, you're expecting Jos to walk headfirst into a difficult, emotionally charged situation she's never encountered before and just handle it perfectly. All I'm trying to say is that given the circumstances we should cut her some slack. She should absolutely take steps to ensure this doesn't happen again. Perhaps treat this as a sort of warning shot and a what not to do guide. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Jos, if you ever run into him again (which I'm sure you're going to) and he approaches you, maybe you should politely say "Look, I told you I wanted NC from you. I have to ask you to respect that" and walk away. It's going to be a little awkward to backtrack after you just had a 20 minute conversation with him today, but then again, try not to care what he thinks anymore anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michigangirl79 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I'm new in this site and this was my 1st read. Don't contact her! You screwed her husband! It's selfish to make you feel better but when she finds out her husbands penis was in you after you called..!!.!.! She'll hate you more for deceiving even more! I'm in no way being mean! Im married and I had an affair 4 years ago with 2 guys! And here I am looking for answers on the web lol cliche! I know from personal experience from doing exactly what you're doing! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I'll be the dissenting voice. First, I am married and if my DH had an affair with my friend I would definitely want to know. Second, many years ago before I met my DH I slept with my friends husband. In my defense, I hadn't talked to her in a few months and I knew they had a rocky relationship. He got in touch with me because we'd been friends for years, we hung out, he said they'd split up. I believed it. I found out after the fact that they were actually still together. I went to her and I told her. She was hurt. I was hurt. We worked out our friendship. She had me serve him with his divorce papers. We're still friends, she's remarried, and he has been married and divorced twice since then. Apparently, he cheated on his other wives, too. Both of which is now friends with my friend, the first wife. Just my $.02 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 I'm new in this site and this was my 1st read. Don't contact her! You screwed her husband! It's selfish to make you feel better but when she finds out her husbands penis was in you after you called..!!.!.! She'll hate you more for deceiving even more! I'm in no way being mean! Im married and I had an affair 4 years ago with 2 guys! And here I am looking for answers on the web lol cliche! I know from personal experience from doing exactly what you're doing! Good luck! I think maybe you misunderstood. She does not know it was me and I was not going to tell her. The only reason I was going to talk to her was regarding being civil to each other around the kids. I obviously decided against it.bad idea. You had an affair w 2 men so I don't know your story but I'm hoping you can understand . And yes I was feeling guilty. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I have seen him around before when I was driving..twice, I know he saw me. I didn't wave and drove away fast so I am making progress. Dk, it's not as easy as it sounds... It's baby steps to making myself stronger. And I'm still having a lot of marital problems that had nothing to do with the affair. Your marriage and staying away from the AP are two different things. Even if your husband left (which honestly I think will happen soon, but that's another subject) the MM is still married and still someone you need to, no you have to avoid. Its not easy because you don't want it to be over. You entered NC against your will, for your husband. Because of that its like romeo and juliet or your parents telling you to stay away from the town bad boy. This attitude isn't going to help your marriage, because its not where you want to be. When I read your posts on others threads I can see you give wonderful advice. So it shows that you have the tools to do your part in fixing your marriage and staying totally clear of MM. So what's the hold up? Your mentality. Your thought process and desire are still focused on MM. Work on fixing that and it will be that easy. Link to post Share on other sites
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