I don't understand what I always do wrong

[marieanna177]

Me and this guy met in November. We were going on dates, and we had sex. He just he got out of a 7 year relationship a month before. In the beginning he even said "but I'd like to be with you aside from the sex is what you fail to realize" He texted me every day, told me he likes me a lot and I'm not just sex.

 

We would hang out without having sex. He talked about meeting parents and maybe taking me to his best friend's wedding in May. He always holds my hand, and he called me his girlfriend to the waitress at one restaurant. When I was studying at Starbucks one night he came out to see me, no sex. one day he was acting distant and I went crazy texting him 50 times. he told me he was done. we went a week without talking and then we grabbed lunch 2 weeks ago. he paid, and we didnt have sex.

 

*We had mexican and he told the waiter in spanish "my wife is crazy" and then he asked me if I knew what he said. The next day I invited him to my new years eve party, and he declined. he then told me he's not looking for a relationship. I asked him if there were feelings and he said "I did have feelings" and he said "Idk what I want and I dont want to lead you on." Then I asked if this was my fault and he said "it definitely isnt you" Then we ended up talking about meeting up to have sex and hang out.

 

Before we met up he seemed hesitant and told me that he doesn’t want me throwing this in his face that all he wanted from me was sex. He also told me he doesn’t want me thinking this is anything more than what it is. We ended up meeting up to have sex and then we went to lunch afterwards. During lunch he said “you’re the best,” and he always holds my hand.

 

Last week I asked him if he wanted to meet up to have sex and he said "can't have class" then I said "when can you" he said "idk shay in class can't talk" then I asked if he still wanted to have sex in general, and he didn't answer. Hours later I apologized for asking and he said "it's ok babe.” That was 2 weeks ago, and I haven’t heard from him since.

 

1. Did he ever have any feelings for me? Or was he just using me for sex?

2. Does he not wanna be with me because I messed up or was he never looking for a relationship to begin with?

Edited January 30, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Robert]

moderator bump

[Amaraya]

You can refer to any of the dozens of other posts you've made with this same question. A lot of people have answered you. Yes, he was likely just using you for sex. He told you he didn't want to lead you on. On some level you knew that and clearly kept throwing sex offers at him to try to get him to stick around. It looks pathetic, probably to him too, and he decided your craziness (50 texts) wasn't worth the sex. This sounds harsh but is probably the truth. Don't let men treat you like that in the future. Don't keep having sex with people who have told you they're not interested in an effort to get them to care more about you than they do.

[idoltree]

Me and this guy met in November. We were going on dates, and we had sex. He just he got out of a 7 year relationship a month before. In the beginning he even said "but I'd like to be with you aside from the sex is what you fail to realize" He texted me every day, told me he likes me a lot and I'm not just sex.

 

We would hang out without having sex. He talked about meeting parents and maybe taking me to his best friend's wedding in May. He always holds my hand, and he called me his girlfriend to the waitress at one restaurant. When I was studying at Starbucks one night he came out to see me, no sex. one day he was acting distant and I went crazy texting him 50 times. he told me he was done. we went a week without talking and then we grabbed lunch 2 weeks ago. he paid, and we didnt have sex.

 

*We had mexican and he told the waiter in spanish "my wife is crazy" and then he asked me if I knew what he said. The next day I invited him to my new years eve party, and he declined. he then told me he's not looking for a relationship. I asked him if there were feelings and he said "I did have feelings" and he said "Idk what I want and I dont want to lead you on." Then I asked if this was my fault and he said "it definitely isnt you" Then we ended up talking about meeting up to have sex and hang out.

 

Before we met up he seemed hesitant and told me that he doesn’t want me throwing this in his face that all he wanted from me was sex. He also told me he doesn’t want me thinking this is anything more than what it is. We ended up meeting up to have sex and then we went to lunch afterwards. During lunch he said “you’re the best,” and he always holds my hand.

 

Last week I asked him if he wanted to meet up to have sex and he said "can't have class" then I said "when can you" he said "idk shay in class can't talk" then I asked if he still wanted to have sex in general, and he didn't answer. Hours later I apologized for asking and he said "it's ok babe.” That was 2 weeks ago, and I haven’t heard from him since.

 

1. Did he ever have any feelings for me? Or was he just using me for sex?

2. Does he not wanna be with me because I messed up or was he never looking for a relationship to begin with?

 

Marianna,

 

I've also seen your other posts about this relationship, and I wonder why you keep posting it after having already gotten plenty of advice. Ask yourself what you are looking for by repeatedly posting this. If it's because you haven't yet gotten the answers that you'd want, there is a reason you haven't gotten those answers. Because the reality of the situation is not as you'd like it to be, and it is never going to be as you'd like it to be.

 

I will answer your questions to the best of my ability, in the hopes that it frees you up. Beyond that, it's time for you to look at your behavior of impulsively posting the same situation over and over as your way of continuing to hold into him and a relationship that is no longer.

 

Did he ever have feelings for me?

 

No one can tell you that, because we aren't him. I will say he at least felt affection for you, because he wouldn't have gotten involved with you as he did. However, he was also clearly on the rebound. Someone just out of a long relationship, for the most part, literally cannot feel deeply for a new person before they have healed from their last relationship. And seven years with someone else is going to take some time for him to process.

 

Any woman who gave herself over to him during this time period would also get chewed up and spit out as you were. There was nothing you could have done to change what happened, because you offered yourself up to him on a platter. That was a mistake of yours, and something you should not choose to do to yourself in a future. Oftentimes we make these mistakes as we go, and all we can do is chalk them up to a life lesson learned.

 

If a man is just out of a long relationship, walk away, even if you like him. If you like him, tell him to look you up in 6 months and you'll consider him. Honestly, that's your only shot at working things out, because time has to pass for him to be capable of feeling something for someone new. Let some other girl take the fall and offer herself up to him to be used and spit out, not you.

 

 

Or was he just using me for sex?

 

Honey, it's on you that you had sex with him so soon. You cannot offer yourself up and then get mad that someone took you up on the offer. You especially can't offer yourself up and then say "but you're not just using me for sex, right?" obsessively and then expect that to change the reality of the situation.

 

So, yes, in a way he was just using you for sex, because he was just out of a LTR and wasn't capable of developing deeper feelings for you. But, honestly, I might turn the situation around on you, because it's pretty clear that you were trying to use sex as a way to get him committed to you. You're not the victim that you seem to want to be. No one made you choose to sleep with him.

 

He used sex with you to feel better about himself. You used sex with him in hopes that you'd manipulate him into a relationship via your multiple guilt trips about him "using you for sex." You both used each other, in a way. In the future, make smarter choices for yourself, and the concept of "using me for sex" won't exist. It's as easy as that.

 

No one forces you to decide to sleep with someone. If, looking back, you realize you shouldn't have slept with someone, or slept with him before there were real feelings or commitment, accept responsibility for your choice. Sex will not make a man love you, and it will not make him commit to you. Stop trying to use sex to get what YOU want and then playing victim when it doesn't work. You used sex to manipulate him, but you aren't comfortable with that reality, so, instead, you accuse him of manipulating you. It seems like it's much easier for you to sit in the role of wronged victim than it is for you to look back at your choices and how they resulted in this outcome.

 

 

Does he not wanna be with me because I messed up or was he never looking for a relationship to begin with?

 

Both. First, as we've already covered, he was on the rebound. He wasn't capable of deep feelings, and he may not even have been aware of that. Lesson learned for you - never look to a man recently out of a relationship as a potential partner. It won't work.

 

Secondly, your behavior did not help matters. You constantly guilt tripped him about the sex, while continuing to choose to have sex with him. That makes you seem unstable. Of course he's going to keep sleeping with you if you offer it to him. You seem to think that offering sex without strings, then adding in strings after the fact is a winning strategy. It's not. Wait to sleep with men until there are deeper feelings involved, and then you might not feel like such a victim of your own choices.

 

And more on your behavior: sending someone 50 texts in a row is insane. It does not paint a pretty portrait of the sender. It is someone who is hysterical and who cannot soothe themselves, and it is a big turn off to most people. Get yourself under control and never do that again, to anyone. You are kind of repeating this behavior by posting this same scenario over and over.

 

 

In answering your questions, I also addressed your title. Do you now see the things that you could have done differently if you wanted a different outcome?

 

They include: not dating a man on the rebound, not having sex with the rebounding man then attempting to use sex to make him feel guilty and to get him to commit to you, not self-soothing and choosing to behave in ways that make you seem unstable.

 

You will begin to heal and move beyond this when you accept that he is not the Big Bad Wolf to your innocent and naive Red Riding Hood. You made choices and they didn't turn out how you hoped. You tried to manipulate him, and then project your motives onto him and tell him he was manipulating you. You aren't a victim; you're someone who made some bad choices for yourself. All you can do is feel the pain and learn from those choices so you never do this again.

 

Let this be your last post on this topic. It's time to let go and move forward.

Edited January 31, 2015 by idoltree

[stillafool]

Start waiting at least 3 months before you have sex with these guys. If they stick around that long they may be interested in more than sex with you. Okay?