Girlfriend cheated and left me for the guy she cheated with (3 year relationship)

[madman123]

So, I'm sure this headline has been used many times, but I wanted to share my story in an effort to try and find peace with my break up.

 

Background:

My ex and I met in November 2011 at college. She was in a PhD program for Psychology and I was an undergrad student (I did military time before school so we were of a similar age despite the fact that she was so much further down her career path than I). We quickly grew close to one another and spent basically all of our time together. She was very attractive, educated, and probably one of the most personable people I've ever met.

 

I graduated the following spring of 2012 and had to move 6 hours away for my job. We decided to maintain the relationship and do the long distance thing. It was tough for me because she constantly wanted to talk and didn't understand how busy and important the things I had going on were. It caused problems and we would argue about how I never reassured her and I believe she thought I didn't love her. I put her second to my work and despite that she would still travel to see me. When we were together it was always very passionate and wonderful, and my feelings were always strong for her despite the way that I prioritized work over her. She would make cards for me, send me gifts, do thoughtful things all the time for me. I was always wrapped up and stressed out with work that I didn't return the love as much as I should have.

 

We both have alcohol problems. I am sure that alcohol caused so many of the arguments we would have and I said a lot of mean things to her over the years that I didn't mean. Even still, she loved me.

 

We mostly saw each other on weekends and holidays. It was like a honeymoon period every time we got to see each other, which is one of the things I did like about being long distance.

 

We did long distance over the course of the next few years and things survived with a few hiccups here and there. The most recent transition was a move from the mid-west to California. We had situated our jobs around being with one another with us both moving 3 times in the last 3 years, and this past summer we made the move across country together. We currently live 3 hours away but long distance is nothing new. It could have worked, but this happened:

 

This past September, in the midst of our cross country move and all the stress that goes along with it, we started arguing much more than we ever have. We would be drinking (our daily ritual) and I would say that I didn't think we should be together. We would unofficially break up and then makeup within a day or two. This happened 3 or 4 times in the period of 2 months.

 

Before Thanksgiving, in the middle of another dispute as described above, she went to an academic conference on the other side of the country and was apparently swept away by a guy she met. We were shaky at best at this point, but in my mind we weren't broken up, and things would mend themselves as they always have. I found out after driving up to see her (as stated above, she's 3 hours away from me) when she acted very cold toward me. Like "why did you come here?" I expected to return to normal with her but had an itching suspicion something had happened with someone else while she was away.

 

This was confirmed after I scanned her texts and found one to a friend saying she "hung out with a cute guy, like really cute" to quote verbatim. I inquired and she said as little as she possibly could to avert saying what actually happened. I became obsessed with finding out the truth and went through a lot of trouble to investigate and find out what was happening. After tons of interrogation and basically finding things out on my own she finally had no choice but to admit that she had sex with this guy. She continued to give as little detail as possible but it eventually came out that she still sees him. He lives over 2000 miles away from us and they have been traveling to see each other and be together. What a great holiday season for me!

 

Being neurotic as f*** about it I figured out who he was and am not able to stop obsessing about it. I look at him on facebook, I look at her on facebook (they don't put things up on there and their relationship is completely unannounced since it was more of a secret affair). I've cried, begged, and felt completely pathetic about it. I am a successful, attractive guy. So is he. They continue to see each other and I imagine she's living a fairy tale relationship and having the best sex of her life. Mental images of them being together haunt me daily and cause me to wake up in the early morning obsessing over it. It has made me feel completely inferior and I am still in shock, 2 months later, that she doesn't want to be with me. She prefers someone who lives on the other side of the country, which is not realistic at all, over me.

 

To sum it up, I didn't treat her as well as I should have, pushed her away, and now it drives me crazy that she has found someone who (in my neurotic mind) is probably better than me. Rereading through this it seems like I'm just going through penis envy but it really hurts not having her around and I miss her terribly. Jealousy and envy have consumed me, and I don't know how to deal with it. I had an ex come visit for a few weeks thinking it would make things better. Have some sex, get some female attention. It didn't do anything and was nothing more than a very minute distraction that turned into nothing.

 

This is probably less coherent than I think it is but my mind hasn't been straight lately.

 

Can anyone relate? Advice on how to stop obsessing over it?

[Radu]

1 - It sounds like both of you feed on each other and increase your problems; kinda like what happens when soldiers march in perfect synchronicity over a bridge ... the resulting harmonic wave destroys it.

Eventually your relationship would have self-destructed and destroyed both of you

2 - She did not cheat technically; you broke up with her and she found someone else.

You say that you still had not given up on the relationship ... so then why did you initiate the break-up ?

Why did you do this several times ?

What did you gain by this ?

 

My guess you did this for power and control in the relationship; and the one time she moved on you turned into a stalker.

3 - Which brings me to this ... you are acting like a stalker.

You both have problems [alcoholic Ph.D in Psychology ... probably deeper problems ... woulda thunk it; anyone with good boundaries would have run for the hills by now] but her problems are not the issue of this thread ... yours are.

You have power over yourself and can alter yourself in something better [not for this relationship ... so give up on that].

So realize you have issues ... and go to AA meetings.

[EgoJoe]

Knock that self pity off right now.

 

 

She was a needy and clingy GIRL who instead of handling the problem in a MATURE manner decided to try and have her cake and eat it too.

 

 

Delete, block and unfriend. It's over forever. Forget about her. Gather your self-respect, grab your nuts and put them on the table.

 

 

Tell her off once and for all. Expose her for being a needy, lying cheater and then MOVE ON.

 

 

I've been cheated on, it sucks but it's not a reflection of your self-worth it is a reflection of their LACK of self-worth. She has zero respect for you or for herself.

 

 

There is a running joke on SOME young Women who study Psychology because SOME of them are CRAZY. They study Psychology to figure out why everyone else is so crazy (hint: it's them).

 

 

You are a Soldier, a Professional and a Survivor. You will rise from this much more mature, powerful and wise than ever before.

 

 

You are free of this emotionally draining sycophant and it's not your fault at all! You tried, nothing was ever good enough and this is because SHE IS NOT A HAPPY, HEALTHY AND WHOLE INDIVIDUAL! Neither are you! Get sober, go to AA meetings and read your butt off about self-improvement, red flags etc.!

 

Click my profile, read my past couple of threads. I have been there, my Ex was a lot more Psycho and it got by my radar because she was obsessively in love with me and super needy. She was also quick to throw a bitch fit when she didn't get her way. Crazy jealousy when my boss would invite me to football games etc.

 

 

Run away from all damaged and crazy Women. Only date reasonable and emotionally mature Women. If Men stop indulging these psychotic Marilyn Monroe idolizing bad girls club wanna-bes then maybe less Females will think this is acceptable. As it sits the punk tools out there enable these Women. Real men avoid them like the plague!

 

 

The greatest revenge is success! Now go out there and get it! Thrust yourself back on the dating scene, destroy the gym, own your career and don't take this **** lying down!

Edited January 29, 2015 by EgoJoe

[Spectre]

You were doing the whole "break up and get back together" cycle so I don't know if it was specifically cheating what she did..BUT, she was still in no shape to be getting involved with other guys at that point considering your off/on again status. You guys should take some time alone, but she wanted to go get with some dude. I guess in some ways it makes it easier for you to get over her.

 

So I wouldn't say she cheated, but she is shady, so..you dodged a bullet.

[smackie9]

Just have to accept you both ended up being too toxic for each other and it had to end. Of course this is going to be on your mind, rejection is tough especially her with someone else. You are going to have to just take it day by day, and the pain, anger, regret will start to disolve. The end of a relationhsip is as painful as losing a loved one....you need to go through a grieving stage before you can start to heal your heart.

 

Keep busy, find a sympathtic friend to talk to, and work real hard at not letting it consume you.

[smackie9]

Oh and learn to not drink anymore.

[NoC]

The weather in North Carolina is nice this time of the year, you need to go there right away (see sig). Block her on all social media if you haven't already done so. Learn from this experience and focus on your work/family/friends. Workout and spend time doing things you love, hobbies and what not. She is just another woman at the end of the day, there are billions of other women out there whom you would be more compatible with. Put yourself out there and improve your life. Good luck!

[SycamoreCircle]

I agree with a lot of the above evaluations. Your relationship was fractured. With time and NC, you will begin to see that more clearly. You're hurting now. That is perfectly normal. Stay away from his and her social media. There is only hurt there. You will always be a part of who she is. But that is over. Now, you should focus on your drinking problem. I assure you, if you don't, you will never have a healthy relationship. Let this break spur you to a better understanding of yourself. You sound like you have so much going for you. Why short that with a drug addiction?

 

Focus on you now. Enact NC. Enroll in AA. Start to fill the emptiness with something YOU provide.

 

:-)

[madman123]

Hey everyone, I wanted to say thanks a lot for each of your responses! It really is tough and it helps a lot to get other people's perspective. So, thank you all. Here's what I've done since posting:

 

1. Deactivated my Facebook until I feel I am at a point that I can control myself.

2. Made every effort to (successfully) keep myself from slipping back onto it for "just a peak."

3. Spent two days at the gym without alcohol and then yesterday fell apart all over again...started crying and drinking the moment I woke up. I know alcohol is a problem. It's hard because my job is very slow right now and I am in a new town with a very small social circle. Leaves you with a lot of time to sit around and think...no booze today though.

 

To clarify, we were together when she started her fling.

 

I have to say that I am beginning to think it is a matter of two things: penis envy (rejection, feelings of inferiority, etc.) and grieving the loss of someone who's been a major part of my life. 3 years (I'm 29 so it's probably subjective) seems a substantial period of time to be with someone and it definitely has been enough time for us to become very intimately involved in each other's lives. I simply cannot stop thinking about her.

 

So: penis envy, grieving loss, and obsessive thoughts about her.

 

Any other words of wisdom???

[Spectre]

You say you were together when she started the fling, well..then that is ALL she wrote. Non-trashy people tend to wait until one relationship is over before jumping in bed with someone else.

[Satu]

The most important thing here is that you get some professional help for your drink problem.

 

If you don't do that, you will never be able to have a healthy relationship.

 

If you try to tackle it alone, it is 99.9999% sure that you will fail.

[smackie9]

Ya with the alcohol...it's a depressant. You cut the drinking out you will be able to cope 100% better.

[fronk]

I'm going through something similar and a google search led me to this site. You are not alone man.....