EX only remembers the bad times.

[Skirmish12]

My ex of 4 years broke up with me several months ago.

 

She was single for awhile and I let her be and tried to move on myself.. and then about a month ago made slight moves to try and get her back.

 

Then I find out that she started seeing this other guy and they are now in a relationship, she told me she felt I made no attempt to get her back and that she feels that our relationship was bad.

 

All she remembers is the bad times.. is there anyway to change that besides just stay calm and show her new good times.

 

We have a daughter together so we are going to have to be in touch on a somewhat constant basis.

 

Right now she is at the point where she just does not believe that I have changed and only remembers the negative aspects of the past.

 

How do I fill her mind with new memories that are somewhat better?? The attraction is still there it is just the negative emotions of the past she cannot let go.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

There's not enough information for anyone to give you decent advice on the matter. Why did your ex break up with you? How long exactly has it been since the break up? What have you done to make changes if she gave you reasons why she broke up?

 

A few things are clear:

 

- She broke up with you

- She does not want to be with you.

- She is in a relationship

 

You cannot make someone want to be with you.

[mightycpa]

My friend, you made me smile today.

 

Once upon a time, my GF dumped me too. We were madly in love, and then one day, I was and she wasn't.

 

Like you, I gave her the space and freedom she asked for. I made no attempt to honor the time we had together, or to woo her back or to even speak with her. In fact, her father invited me back to their house so we could all visit, and I declined. As far as I was concerned, she wasn't interested and so I wasn't going to pressure her to become interested. I didn't want to have to convince her.

 

As it turns out, she was angry with me because of this. She wanted me to object, to make an effort, to prove to her that I was committed to the relationship she was all too happy to abandon.

 

Can you friggin' imagine? What a friggin' self-centered drama queen!

 

It's too bad you have a child with a person like that.

 

Let me tell you what she probably did. She was waiting for you to come "do whatever it takes" and when you didn't, she felt bad, and tried to understand why YOU abandoned the relationship. She probably walked through all of your various interactions over time, saw some fault in both of you, and imagined how you SHOULD HAVE acted to be Mr. Perfect. This can sour even the sweetest memories; I'm sure she did something like that, and now, reality doesn't hold a candle to utopia, so she thinks she wasted her time with you.

 

You can't make her let go of that image. Only she can do that. Whether you want her or not, your job is to be the kind of guy that all women want with them. If you are, and she can't see it, there's nothing you can do. So why try?

 

Be the best version of you that you can be. That's it.

[Diezel]

Don't try to show her anything. Just try to be the best "you" and the best "father". At this point, she has moved on, so its pointless to try to "impress" her.

 

Impress yourself. Impress your child.

[Skirmish12]

My friend, you made me smile today.

 

Once upon a time, my GF dumped me too. We were madly in love, and then one day, I was and she wasn't.

 

Like you, I gave her the space and freedom she asked for. I made no attempt to honor the time we had together, or to woo her back or to even speak with her. In fact, her father invited me back to their house so we could all visit, and I declined. As far as I was concerned, she wasn't interested and so I wasn't going to pressure her to become interested. I didn't want to have to convince her.

 

As it turns out, she was angry with me because of this. She wanted me to object, to make an effort, to prove to her that I was committed to the relationship she was all too happy to abandon.

 

Can you friggin' imagine? What a friggin' self-centered drama queen!

 

It's too bad you have a child with a person like that.

 

Let me tell you what she probably did. She was waiting for you to come "do whatever it takes" and when you didn't, she felt bad, and tried to understand why YOU abandoned the relationship. She probably walked through all of your various interactions over time, saw some fault in both of you, and imagined how you SHOULD HAVE acted to be Mr. Perfect. This can sour even the sweetest memories; I'm sure she did something like that, and now, reality doesn't hold a candle to utopia, so she thinks she wasted her time with you.

 

You can't make her let go of that image. Only she can do that. Whether you want her or not, your job is to be the kind of guy that all women want with them. If you are, and she can't see it, there's nothing you can do. So why try?

 

Be the best version of you that you can be. That's it.

 

 

I think this is exactly what happened.

 

In her mind because I made no attempt I must not have cared at all.

 

And her track record (besides with me) is about a month or two into a relationship when the 'high' wears off it starts to go downhill.

[Skirmish12]

There's not enough information for anyone to give you decent advice on the matter. Why did your ex break up with you? How long exactly has it been since the break up? What have you done to make changes if she gave you reasons why she broke up?

 

A few things are clear:

 

- She broke up with you

- She does not want to be with you.

- She is in a relationship

 

You cannot make someone want to be with you.

 

 

She broke up with me because she said we were arguing alot and I did not listen to her.. which she was right about ( I realized it to late)

 

We have been broken up for about 8 months now but up until a month ago I was living far away now I am back local and we see each other a lot now because of our daughter and the emotions are coming back.

 

Some of changes were simply at the time we were living together in an area that we both really did not like and I did not like my job.. these two outside factors took a toll on our relationship. I am now in a new profession and location where she also is.

[Skirmish12]

My friend, you made me smile today.

 

Once upon a time, my GF dumped me too. We were madly in love, and then one day, I was and she wasn't.

 

Like you, I gave her the space and freedom she asked for. I made no attempt to honor the time we had together, or to woo her back or to even speak with her. In fact, her father invited me back to their house so we could all visit, and I declined. As far as I was concerned, she wasn't interested and so I wasn't going to pressure her to become interested. I didn't want to have to convince her.

 

As it turns out, she was angry with me because of this. She wanted me to object, to make an effort, to prove to her that I was committed to the relationship she was all too happy to abandon.

 

Can you friggin' imagine? What a friggin' self-centered drama queen!

 

It's too bad you have a child with a person like that.

 

Let me tell you what she probably did. She was waiting for you to come "do whatever it takes" and when you didn't, she felt bad, and tried to understand why YOU abandoned the relationship. She probably walked through all of your various interactions over time, saw some fault in both of you, and imagined how you SHOULD HAVE acted to be Mr. Perfect. This can sour even the sweetest memories; I'm sure she did something like that, and now, reality doesn't hold a candle to utopia, so she thinks she wasted her time with you.

 

You can't make her let go of that image. Only she can do that. Whether you want her or not, your job is to be the kind of guy that all women want with them. If you are, and she can't see it, there's nothing you can do. So why try?

 

Be the best version of you that you can be. That's it.

 

 

So do you still talk to this girl??

 

See that is the thing, now that we have been communicating more and being around each other more.. we joke and have a good time togeher.

 

But you can tell, her guard is WAY up... and her new BF can do no wrong.

 

Exactly how she was with me when we first started dating.

 

So women that are like this just what, once the new relationship high wears off they move on??

[mightycpa]

So do you still talk to this girl??

 

No, she ruined it for me. I still loved her, but I couldn't see myself with her. What she could do once, she could do again. Looking back, I tagged her as being someone with life drama. Relationship drama, unmarried mother drama, divorce drama, etc.

 

I went out with a lot of girls. Most had some kind of drama associated with them. One was actual drama (like Lady Gaga). Another was money drama. Another, friend drama. Another was work drama. etc., etc.

 

I was beginning to believe that I'd have to put up with some kind of drama.

 

Then, I finally found one with no drama, and so I latched onto her. Luckily, she latched back.

 

I still regret that I lost that first one the way I did, even though I know it was good for me. It just still doesn't feel good, you know? I think that's what heartbreak really is. She broke my heart. I should be grateful, and in a way I am, but in a way, I'm not.

 

So pay attention, ask her about her past, see if you can find that dramatic thread that will make your life a living rollercoaster of hell if you guys make a go of it. You probably owe it to the kid to try.

[Skirmish12]

No, she ruined it for me. I still loved her, but I couldn't see myself with her. What she could do once, she could do again. Looking back, I tagged her as being someone with life drama. Relationship drama, unmarried mother drama, divorce drama, etc.

 

I went out with a lot of girls. Most had some kind of drama associated with them. One was actual drama (like Lady Gaga). Another was money drama. Another, friend drama. Another was work drama. etc., etc.

 

I was beginning to believe that I'd have to put up with some kind of drama.

 

Then, I finally found one with no drama, and so I latched onto her. Luckily, she latched back.

 

I still regret that I lost that first one the way I did, even though I know it was good for me. It just still doesn't feel good, you know? I think that's what heartbreak really is. She broke my heart. I should be grateful, and in a way I am, but in a way, I'm not.

 

So pay attention, ask her about her past, see if you can find that dramatic thread that will make your life a living rollercoaster of hell if you guys make a go of it. You probably owe it to the kid to try.

 

 

Wow! This honestly reads exactly like what i am thinking right now!

 

She was a theatre and drama major in college, she came from a family where seperated parents on not a big deal (her biological father dissapeared when she was 2) and she is a very emotional being.

 

So to her being seperated with a child is just not a big deal to her.

 

She is also one of those people that comes home from work and says stuff like "So and so was talking about so and so today, etc"

 

So did this girl ever reach out to you and try to get you back?

 

The thing is it is only a matter of time before her current relationship blows up and IF it does I have to be prepared and not dive right back in head first.

 

it is VERY tough given a child is involved.

[mightycpa]

So did this girl ever reach out to you and try to get you back?

 

Nope. I'm telling you, she was pissed, and I guess she learned to hate/dislike me. I got an inkling of this by talking to her family later on. She was convinced that I didn't care about the relationship because I didn't "fight" for it, and try to win her back. Apparently, she behaved pretty badly for a while, and I assume that was in an effort to detach herself emotionally from me. Later on in life, she's done well professionally, but her personal life was a mess.

 

i.e., LIFE DRAMA.

 

Like I said, I should be grateful, and in a way, I really am. No hard feelings.

[KBarletta]

Be the best version of you that you can be. That's it.

 

Good advice no matter what the situation, but especially here.

 

On a side note, I find it amazing how many people in this thread had partners who broke up with them, then got mad at them for not "fighting" to get them back. Kind of the other side of No Contact, I guess? Weird. You break up with someone, then get mad when they don't become the begging, crawling pathetic person you expect them to?

 

I don't understand people.

[Skirmish12]

Good advice no matter what the situation, but especially here.

 

On a side note, I find it amazing how many people in this thread had partners who broke up with them, then got mad at them for not "fighting" to get them back. Kind of the other side of No Contact, I guess? Weird. You break up with someone, then get mad when they don't become the begging, crawling pathetic person you expect them to?

 

I don't understand people.

 

Especially with a child involved.

 

I mean I am going to have to be in ex's life forever and chances are because of the way she is, this new relationship will be over rather quickly.

 

Before me here longest relationship was 8 months... So maybe not but statistics are not in her favor.

 

If it does happen I gotta just remember how she has been treating me right now while on this 'honeymoon' period.

[Ieris]

On a side note, I find it amazing how many people in this thread had partners who broke up with them, then got mad at them for not "fighting" to get them back. Kind of the other side of No Contact, I guess? Weird. You break up with someone, then get mad when they don't become the begging, crawling pathetic person you expect them to?

 

I don't understand people.

 

Yep, they got the popcorn out, front row seats waiting to watch you cry and beg. Then you don't even show up.. imagine the disappointment for them

[ManyDissapoint]

Yes she was incredibly upset that you didn't pursue her, because she missed out on that huge ego boost and shift of power.

 

If you had done so, she would have also resented you for not respecting her choice, and resented you for begging because if one person in a relationship begs that conveys that they are of lower value than the person they are begging--so she resents you more because it validates her decision for leaving you but also makes her feel like she 'wasted' her time with a low value partner.

 

A lot of this happens on a subconscious level and the dumper doesn't realize what's happening. But it's a lose-lose situation for the dumpee.

 

The best thing to do is to acknowledge that it's their decision and theirs alone, and that you DO want to work on things and that it's a huge shame that they don't. Tell them that they know where to find you if they change their mind and want to work things out.

 

Nothing more you can do.

[Skirmish12]

Yes she was incredibly upset that you didn't pursue her, because she missed out on that huge ego boost and shift of power.

 

If you had done so, she would have also resented you for not respecting her choice, and resented you for begging because if one person in a relationship begs that conveys that they are of lower value than the person they are begging--so she resents you more because it validates her decision for leaving you but also makes her feel like she 'wasted' her time with a low value partner.

 

A lot of this happens on a subconscious level and the dumper doesn't realize what's happening. But it's a lose-lose situation for the dumpee.

 

The best thing to do is to acknowledge that it's their decision and theirs alone, and that you DO want to work on things and that it's a huge shame that they don't. Tell them that they know where to find you if they change their mind and want to work things out.

 

Nothing more you can do.

 

Very said to think that way when a child is involved though!!!

 

But I guess if they saw the relationship If they saw the relationship in such a terrible way they wouldn't want to stay together for the child.

 

Real shame.... And maybe part of the reason her relationships never last long... She thinks the romance stage should last the entire time.

 

Once a hint of adversity hits... She runs

[elaine567]

She broke up with me because she said we were arguing alot and I did not listen to her.. which she was right about ( I realized it to late)

 

^^^This^^^

 

She felt you didn't listen to her because you didn't care, so she removed herself from the relationship, who wants to be with someone who argues and refuses to listen and who appears not to care...?

 

She hoped that the shock would force you to see the error of your ways and fight for her and your daughter, she hoped you would show her that you DO care, and she would have fallen right back into your arms in relief.

BUT you moved on and that told her you really didn't care, that it wasn't just a blip, you REALLY didn't care.

 

She waited for you for a while and then decided she had to move on, you were a lost cause and so she started dating someone else.

Of course she is going to see the bad things, they WERE bad, as far as she was concerned, so bad she felt she had to leave, they don't get much worse than that.

[frigginlost]

And this, ladies and gentlemen is why sometimes no contact can absolutely destroy any chance of a reconciliation.

 

Remember, if you make the decision for total and complete NC, do so knowing that you are only doing it for yourself. NOT because you want them back.

 

Every ex that has dumped me has come back stating they made a mistake. I've never gone completely NC with any ex I wanted back. I went LC and was always brief, funny, and upbeat when we spoke. I focused on me and being the man they fell in love with. Never asked them back and never begged. I just continued on with my life.

 

And yes, I took one back. The rest I did not. For me, I found that LC allowed me to reach indifference quicker as I could process my feelings and wean myself off of them.

 

Would I use NC? Yes, if I was sure I never want to speak to them again. NC is all about you and not about them.

[Skirmish12]

^^^This^^^

 

She felt you didn't listen to her because you didn't care, so she removed herself from the relationship, who wants to be with someone who argues and refuses to listen and who appears not to care...?

 

She hoped that the shock would force you to see the error of your ways and fight for her and your daughter, she hoped you would show her that you DO care, and she would have fallen right back into your arms in relief.

BUT you moved on and that told her you really didn't care, that it wasn't just a blip, you REALLY didn't care.

 

She waited for you for a while and then decided she had to move on, you were a lost cause and so she started dating someone else.

Of course she is going to see the bad things, they WERE bad, as far as she was concerned, so bad she felt she had to leave, they don't get much worse than that.

 

No, believe me I hear you.

 

Luckily or maybe unluckily whichever way you look at it, I am present now and am very involved with our daughter and although she has a new bf we still do 'family things' once or twice a week.

 

So.. who knows what the future holds.. I will always be present in their lives so it is not a total lost cause yet.

 

Funny thing about human emotions is they are ever-changing.. obviously I know I have work to do.

[Skirmish12]

And this, ladies and gentlemen is why sometimes no contact can absolutely destroy any chance of a reconciliation.

 

Remember, if you make the decision for total and complete NC, do so knowing that you are only doing it for yourself. NOT because you want them back.

 

Every ex that has dumped me has come back stating they made a mistake. I've never gone completely NC with any ex I wanted back. I went LC and was always brief, funny, and upbeat when we spoke. I focused on me and being the man they fell in love with. Never asked them back and never begged. I just continued on with my life.

 

And yes, I took one back. The rest I did not. For me, I found that LC allowed me to reach indifference quicker as I could process my feelings and wean myself off of them.

 

Would I use NC? Yes, if I was sure I never want to speak to them again. NC is all about you and not about them.

 

Yup.

 

For me it was more or less the only way I knew how to handle the situation.. my solution was the run from it. (obviously wrong)

 

I will never be able to go completely no contact with this person because of the connection and now that I see what my flaws were in the past.

 

She already said that if it were not for the new bf she would give it another shot.. don't know if that is a good sign or not.

 

All I can do is be a better father and make sure the families needs are met and down the road... who knows.

[Chi townD]

And this, ladies and gentlemen is why sometimes no contact can absolutely destroy any chance of a reconciliation.

 

Remember, if you make the decision for total and complete NC, do so knowing that you are only doing it for yourself. NOT because you want them back.

 

Every ex that has dumped me has come back stating they made a mistake. I've never gone completely NC with any ex I wanted back. I went LC and was always brief, funny, and upbeat when we spoke. I focused on me and being the man they fell in love with. Never asked them back and never begged. I just continued on with my life.

 

And yes, I took one back. The rest I did not. For me, I found that LC allowed me to reach indifference quicker as I could process my feelings and wean myself off of them.

 

Would I use NC? Yes, if I was sure I never want to speak to them again. NC is all about you and not about them.

 

 

I think you completely skipped over someone awesome post when they said, okay you went NC, you came back and she said that he didn't fight for her. But, chances are if he didn't go into NC and was trying to get back with her, she would have probably took that as begging and pleading and she would have lost respect for him and thought of him as pathetic. The fact is, he was probably in a no win situation anyway you look at it.

 

 

She is looking for any excuse to blameshift and justify her being with someone other than the father of her child. So, the excuse she chose is that he didn't fight for her. If he would have stayed in contact, she probably would have used the excuse that he didn't respect her space and that he's creepy and borderline stalking. It was a lose, lose situation.

[mightycpa]

But, chances are if he didn't go into NC and was trying to get back with her, she would have probably took that as begging and pleading and she would have lost respect for him and thought of him as pathetic. The fact is, he was probably in a no win situation anyway you look at it.

 

Bingo! That's the part they always leave out, that the "fighting" will very rarely get you back to where you were. You can't unshatter a glass, and you can't glue it back together. I think this need for a demonstrative show on the part of the dumpee makes them feel like they didn't waste their time.

 

As a result, my one small quibble with your post is that I think I found myself in a "can't go back" situation, and by going NC, it was the only way to win.

 

Great point, I'm glad you made it.

[Skirmish12]

I think you completely skipped over someone awesome post when they said, okay you went NC, you came back and she said that he didn't fight for her. But, chances are if he didn't go into NC and was trying to get back with her, she would have probably took that as begging and pleading and she would have lost respect for him and thought of him as pathetic. The fact is, he was probably in a no win situation anyway you look at it.

 

 

She is looking for any excuse to blameshift and justify her being with someone other than the father of her child. So, the excuse she chose is that he didn't fight for her. If he would have stayed in contact, she probably would have used the excuse that he didn't respect her space and that he's creepy and borderline stalking. It was a lose, lose situation.

 

Yup.

 

And she comes from a family where half of them are not with the father of their children.

 

So, it is just not a big deal to her.

 

So basically the only thing I can do is continue with my changes and act normally and just be there for my daughter.. if she notices my changes, great. if not.. o well.

 

She basically told me she does not believe I have changed.. which is understandable.

 

Right now I have a set schedule for when I pick up my daughter, etc. so I am not constantly contacting her and leaving her alone with this new guy.

 

If it does not work out with the new guy then I will see what happens.