toooldforthis Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I've been friends with my roommate for nearly two years that I met at an online community (gardening forum). In the last 7 months we've gone from talking on the phone every single day to living together, since the first of January. I needed a place to stay and get on my feet, he insisted I come, said he would help me get a car and get my affairs in order so that I could get on my feet and be on my own graces for a change. We talked at length about keeping our relationship as friends, from the beginning. He said he wasn't interested in me like that (and neither was I with him as he is 15 years younger than me, close to my oldest child's age) but that he wanted to help me because he loved me, I was his best friend and confidant. We've nursed each other thru some hard times. He has called me every day since right after the first month we started talking on the phone, which was back in July. He was living with his last girlfriend when I met him but they broke up and he moved out and into this place a few months ago. He said it was not over me, that talking to me was a non issue and they already had problems. He would call me from his truck in the driveway and we'd talk for hours, much because he said she didn't talk to him anymore. He even said to her while we were on the phone (she came outside and asked who he was talking to) that he was talking to me because she didn't like talking to him anymore. They had a civil discussion while I sat there, listening. He said he is done with helping her and her kids and he stopped loaning her money "for them" before I got here. He also said that had she not forced his hand, he wouldn't have left because he was content there and didn't walk away from his commitments. Now he says she is going to have to learn to do on her own, that was after all, what she wanted. To be alone. As for myself, I just got out of an 18 year marriage last year and he was there for me, lending an ear and keeping me from losing my head over being single again. Per his advice, I played a lot, partied and went out with friends, got laid a few times but never anything past a one nighter. He knows everything there is to know about me, for better or worse. He probably even knows I am falling for him but is not saying anything out of respect and possibly fear, for what comes next. He knows me quite well and read me even better than my closest family--over the phone and especially now, in person. We've got a lot in common and are very compatible, despite our age difference. I've joked and called us twins many times because of how much we are alike and how like-minded we are, we even come from the same heritage (Celtic). Since I moved in, t's been great. We stay up late every night and are enjoying getting to know each other in person. We've discovered our friendship is even better than it was before and much more enjoyable in person. A couple of weeks ago, we had some liquor to celebrate his birthday and next thing I know we are flirting, then romping like crazy and for hours. It was unlike any sex I've had, ever. I am 47 yrs old, have had multiple partners in my lifetime and thought I'd had the best already. NOT EVEN CLOSE! At first I was like, hell yeah! finally, a guy I can trust that won't lie to me or dick me around and no strings. He told me that it he'd only had one other partner that came close to as good as me and that he was very happy we'd gone to the next level but wanted to keep it real, FWB, and to not let it get "weird"... I agreed. Neither of us is ready for the real thing right now, I know that for myself for damn sure, plus he is still reeling over his divorce a few years ago. I just got divorced a few months ago myself after being separated for just a year plus thought I was falling for someone before I came here and it ended, and left me pretty hollow inside. From what I gather, his last relationship he entered into was as we are now, as FWB, to help her pay her bills and to help her with her children. Those are the facts..nothing held back. He's told me several times now that I am family, he loves me and am his responsibility. He also told me more than once that I never have to leave if I don't want to, I am welcome here permanently and that even if he fell in love with someone, that they would have to deal with that because I am his family now. He also said that he wouldn't sleep with anyone else until he got to know them over several months first so our casual relationship was good to go until that point. Now, unfortunately, I think I am falling for him..something I did NOT intend on doing! I was starting to think he was feeling it too as I was laying in bed the other night and he said he loved me, thinking I was asleep..he tells me nearly every day that he loves me. He kisses me hello and hugs me every day when he gets home, plus at night before bed and every morning. When he gets home from work he always asks me if I missed him and that he missed me. Its like we are in a "relationship". I get the feeling he feels what I am feeling but like me, is scared to bring it up for fear of what comes next. Then, sometimes, like last night, he brings up the possibility of meeting someone special and "falling in love" or seeing a pretty girl and reminds me that we are just buds..that's what we agreed to stay..and most of the time I'm on the same page with him. Now when he says it, it hurts a bit..and its confusing me. I don't want to tell him, I'm scared that if I do, he'll freak out and push me away. I need his friendship more than ever right now..the sex is great but I can and will live without it if that's what I need to do to keep myself straight. Our friendship means everything to me, I don't want to lose it over my girliness and inability to keep sex from becoming emotional, even though he acknowledged that it was, in fact, an emotional thing, when I made a comment about it a few days ago. Last night he said it was like I was never not here, that my being here was really good and felt right. I'm finding myself scared that one day he will find someone and it will change our relationship despite what he says. I'm not sure how to approach this, whether to bring it up at all (as I don't want it to change things between us). This man is the best friend I've ever had, the best man I've ever been involved with. The best man I've ever known..period. I don't want to lose him from my life. I just can't. How should I handle this..I'm so confused. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Don't agree to a FWB relationship. This could be more. There is no reason to pidgeonhole your friendship and attraction into a hopeless category like FWB. Just because maybe neither of you are ready for longterm commitment doesn't mean you can't be there for each other and even have sex some. He does sound still hung up on his ex. But that might fade if his interest in you grows. Don't panic. Sit him down and just talk about what happened and see how he feels about it and tell him how you feel about it. And whatever you agree on just look upon that as "for now." Take it a day at a time and see if your feelings grow or if it makes any difference with his focus on his ex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Preraph gave some solid advise. As the saying goes, its the behavior that tells the tales. By behaving in one way (sleeping together), and then "saying" we are on the same page of "being friends", you send a double message. Do what you believe, and believe in what you do. Wish you well in the discussion. Its important to regroup as facts or circumstances change (and grow). Nothing is written in stone 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 He told me that it he'd only had one other partner that came close to as good as me and that he was very happy we'd gone to the next level but wanted to keep it real, FWB, and to not let it get "weird"... I agreed. Rent the movie Friends With Benefits. Sooner or later you (or both) will get hurt. Fun and casual sex only lasts a certain amount of time before feelings come into play. Whatever the outcome, speak from your heart and be honest. Maybe he is feeling the same way but isn't sure how it's going to work out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Ask him what he's going to be looking for in the someone special. I guess we can assume it will be someone younger than him who also needs help. He seems to be a "rescuer" type. Once he finds that, I guarantee she's not going to put up with him "helping" all these other women. He obviously likes to feel needed. I guess there's not much hope for the long term since he made that comment, so you should at least do as he is doing and keep looking for Mr. Right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 You are both skirting around the issue a bit and what you need to find out is whether he is emphasising the FWB relationship just to please you, as that is what you both decided, and he doesn't want to let you know he has fallen for you, or he truly sees this as just a FWB situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author toooldforthis Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Don't agree to a FWB relationship. This could be more. There is no reason to pidgeonhole your friendship and attraction into a hopeless category like FWB. Just because maybe neither of you are ready for longterm commitment doesn't mean you can't be there for each other and even have sex some. He does sound still hung up on his ex. But that might fade if his interest in you grows. Don't panic. Sit him down and just talk about what happened and see how he feels about it and tell him how you feel about it. And whatever you agree on just look upon that as "for now." Take it a day at a time and see if your feelings grow or if it makes any difference with his focus on his ex. Thank you for replying, I am really not sure what to think right now. He asked why I was feeling down yesterday and I told him I was lonely and wishing I had love in my life and he got offended..said that he loved me, really loved me and didn't understand why I needed "infatuation" love when I had him. I was stunned. But then he tells me he loves me nearly every day, I just never "read" into it because of his frequent comments about his exes. I am shocked! Then he went on to say that I was his girlfriend for that matter, that we were lovers and it was enough for him, he didn't need that "romantic" love that wears off after the honeymoon stage and we have something better, we were friends first, still are and that those were the kind of relationships that lasted a lifetime. Then he said I could be "in love" with him if I wanted to be. I am totally and completely stunned. Really! Link to post Share on other sites
Author toooldforthis Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 (edited) Preraph gave some solid advise. As the saying goes, its the behavior that tells the tales. By behaving in one way (sleeping together), and then "saying" we are on the same page of "being friends", you send a double message. Do what you believe, and believe in what you do. Wish you well in the discussion. Its important to regroup as facts or circumstances change (and grow). Nothing is written in stone Point well taken, thank you for your advice. I would have gotten to this sooner but he's been home and we've been joined at the hip since. As you have probably already seen, we discussed things and its officially a "relationship". Guess that makes him my boyfriend? wow..I am still digesting all of it! Rent the movie Friends With Benefits. Sooner or later you (or both) will get hurt. Fun and casual sex only lasts a certain amount of time before feelings come into play. Whatever the outcome, speak from your heart and be honest. Maybe he is feeling the same way but isn't sure how it's going to work out. I think you are right about what you said, he wasn't sure how. I was "talking" to someone a lot on the phone that I met online way before I moved in, was pretty hung up on the guy for a while but he said he was giving up on everything after realizing I really was moving here. I had to let him go, it was here or bust, Ever since I told Nate I ended communication last week, he's been more flirtatious. I should have known..I think I did, in hindsight. Ask him what he's going to be looking for in the someone special. I guess we can assume it will be someone younger than him who also needs help. He seems to be a "rescuer" type. Once he finds that, I guarantee she's not going to put up with him "helping" all these other women. He obviously likes to feel needed. I guess there's not much hope for the long term since he made that comment, so you should at least do as he is doing and keep looking for Mr. Right. He said me.. what comment are you speaking of? I'm a bit confused but I am very sleepy too..lol To answer that, he actually he likes older women, his ex girlfriend was 8 years older than him, he'd hoped she'd be "wiser and more stable" but he said he was wrong. He said he really thought 50 or older was best and that he was too old for young girls, would never even think about going there again. He is a rescuer type for sure, in all things though. He's a true humanitarian at heart, I could write a book on the stuff he's done to help people. Almost and usually to a fault, which is one of the things I love about the guy. He even does free repairs for the landlord here. Who does that? LOL You are both skirting around the issue a bit and what you need to find out is whether he is emphasising the FWB relationship just to please you, as that is what you both decided, and he doesn't want to let you know he has fallen for you, or he truly sees this as just a FWB situation.Yes we both were, it turns out he was looking at me that way after all. The way he looks at me tells me everything I need to know now. Before this morning I wasn't so sure, thought I may be seeing "what I wanted to see" because of all the comments of his exes. We both make them, me about mine..its been a dance for damn sure! I've never been so surprised in my life, really..I thought I knew him better than that, now I have a ton more to learn. I'm really looking forward to it. Before this morning (it was yesterday but I'm still awake..lol) I thought I knew just about everything. He's much better at playing close to the vest than I realized. This is an experience I'll never forget, no matter how it turns out. I really love him a lot more than I thought..and I told him so today after he said what he did to me. He smiled real big then kissed and hugged me. I'm really feeling it right now, I hope this works out. I want it too, he's a great guy. The best. Edited February 1, 2015 by toooldforthis Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Well, that's good news! Sounds like even though he's younger, he's kind of mature in his thinking. And that may be why as you say he likes some older women. I guess you have a boyfriend! At some point you'll have to find out if he is going to at some point look for someone to have his children or not. Since he hasn't brought it up, maybe it's not a big issue to him. Good luck. Try to relax and enjoy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author toooldforthis Posted February 3, 2015 Author Share Posted February 3, 2015 Well, that's good news! Sounds like even though he's younger, he's kind of mature in his thinking. And that may be why as you say he likes some older women. I guess you have a boyfriend! At some point you'll have to find out if he is going to at some point look for someone to have his children or not. Since he hasn't brought it up, maybe it's not a big issue to him. Good luck. Try to relax and enjoy. We have the best of both worlds. We were (and still are) best friends first and now we're lovers. We both agreed to keep it real, no titles, no wedding bells. We've both been there, done that. Its nice to just be for a change He is way more mature than most men MY age, I am dumbfounded that I found someone that I can finally truly trust and relate to, without effort! We've talked about kids, we may adopt as I have issues that he's concerned about harming me if I tried. I don't know, that's a ways down the road, if it happens. We're both happy just being here, now. I'm having the time of my life! Thank you for the advice and for listening everyone here that posted, thank you for your time and wise words. I've gotten a lot from you all and I am in this eyes and heart wide open, without fear. Thank you all very much! Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 (edited) Never mind... I didn't finish reading the thread. Edited February 3, 2015 by imtooconfused oops 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author toooldforthis Posted February 5, 2015 Author Share Posted February 5, 2015 Never mind... I didn't finish reading the thread. Well..we are doing great, things went from kind of weird after my reveal to a full out lovefest. He even told me I'm a Kegan (his last name) now. I am feeling a little overwhelmed to be quite honest! He was either really hiding his true feelings for me this whole time or was in plain denial. We pick on each other about falling in love and then giggle and laugh about it. I've never been so doted on, caressed and hugged and kissed in my life. I feel like I died and went straight to heaven! Its like one of those cheesy romance novels! I wish everyone could have a relationship like this, at least once in their lifetime. He truly is the greatest love of mine. I'm in awe.. Link to post Share on other sites
imtooconfused Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 It's not that common that the guy would hold back these feelings, because more commonly they are happy with the FWB without the commitment. Having said that, the most logical explanation is that he had feelings for you, maybe as far back as when he invited you to stay with him, but didn't want to risk scaring you off by using the "L-word". As it is, you were not ready to see him that way back then and might have been scared off. So it seems to me that things fell into place exactly as they were meant to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author toooldforthis Posted October 12, 2015 Author Share Posted October 12, 2015 It's not that common that the guy would hold back these feelings, because more commonly they are happy with the FWB without the commitment. Having said that, the most logical explanation is that he had feelings for you, maybe as far back as when he invited you to stay with him, but didn't want to risk scaring you off by using the "L-word". As it is, you were not ready to see him that way back then and might have been scared off. So it seems to me that things fell into place exactly as they were meant to. Yes, things did fall into place. We just bought a house together and we've discussed the possibility of marriage. We're really happy together, it turns out he did have feelings for me and he was fighting it. He told me so himself. Apparently he was just as worried about me rejecting him as I was of him. We've struggled a bit with the repercussions of taking it to the next level but he told me a couple of nights ago that I am the love of his life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 What a beautiful beautiful story. So happy for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Did you two just happen to live near each other when you met? Link to post Share on other sites
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