rbl28 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Hey everyone. This is my first post. I have had a situation in my life that is literally driving me crazy so I am seeking some outside help. I am 24 and my boyfriend is 27. We have been together for almost 4 years and have been living together since May. I would describe our relationship is good but we have had our troubles like most couples. This summer it honestly seemed like things were better than ever. My boyfriend even made the comment "Things are finally going really well for us!" Around August, it seemed like he never wanted to have sex. At first I didn't think much about it because my sex drive had always been higher. As time went on, it started to really bother me. I felt undesirable and like something was wrong with me. He made me feel bad for even asking to have sex. His behavior around this time was bizarre but I told myself it was just me looking into the issue too deep. In mid August, we were visiting his family and having a great time. He checked his phone a lot because he had a guitar for sale on Craigslist. I asked him if he was getting a lot of spam emails about it and he said no because he was using another email. I had never heard of this email but figured he had made it for the purpose of selling items. A few weeks went by and I continued to have a strange feeling about him. To this day, I can't even describe the feeling I just knew something was wrong. One night when he was at work, I checked his email. Nothing strange there and I should've just stopped at that point. I was curious about the email address he was using for Craigslist so I found it in his computer history. At first, everything looked fine and I felt horrible for snooping. I am not the type of person to do this at all. My world shattered when I clicked on the "sent" tab. I found at least 20-30 replies to casual sex ads on Craigslist. In most of these emails, he sent a picture of his dick. I was absolutely stunned. For someone with "a low sex drive" he sure seemed very forward. Most of the women never replied back to him and I couldn't find evidence of any plans being made to meet up. In many of the messages he provided a phone number that I didn't recognize that he said these women could text him at. It was a long four hours until he got home. I honestly thought about not saying anything because I felt bad for invading his privacy. But I was so hurt and angry that I couldn't let him get away with it. When I confronted him at first he tried to lie and say he didn't know what I was talking about but he knew he was caught so he began to tell the truth. He said he was glad that I found it and that he had recently stopped doing all that. He said he never had plans to meet any of the women he contacted, most of them weren't real, he liked the attention, and so on. No matter what he said, no explanation was good enough for me. The next day, I signed on to his account again. I found even more horrifying conversations. I found conversations that started six months into our relationship and they continued until this summer. He was using his web cam to masterbate with other women. He didn't have much of an explanation when I confronted him with this information. He said he must have not thought any of that counted as cheating since it was on the Internet. He said he would be extremely angry if I had done these things. He said he would do whatever I needed him to do to fix our relationship. I said he needs to delete that email account, get rid of the phone number and anything else he shouldn't have. At that point I asked him to move out and he said he would. But me being the idiot person I am didn't want him to go. Within a week we were trying to reconcile. We are still together and I truly believe he thinks everything is fine. I think about what happened every single day. The strangest things will trigger me and I've even had many dreams about this. I wanted to know what led him to do this but I never got a good answer. Basically, I never got the answer I needed. Since August, I have caught him looking at the personals on Craigslist a few times. He said he doesn't feel bad for looking. He said he was just looking and wasn't replying to ads like he was before. It heas been five months since all of this has happened and I feel like a crazy person. I feel like this is a strange situation because he didn't physically cheat. It is absolutely not okay what he did but I find myself trying to make sense of it all the time. I thought we were close to getting engaged and I feel Like this out us ten steps back. I have struggled with the thought of staying or leaving. Little things keep happening that cause me to question him and I don't know if I will ever forget about this and trust him 100% again. I will take any advice or input I can get, just please be nice. I am really struggling right now. I think at this point the best thing I can do is go to counseling alone, as he already said he wouldn't go. In his eyes, if he quit the behavior then there is nothing to talk about. I disagree. Please help Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 If I were in your position I would end the relationship. My policy is full disclosure. I am the same person on the outside as I am on the inside. Toxic secrets have no place in 'supposedly' loving relationships. Walk away and find something more real. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 (edited) I think that you should go ahead to counseling for your own peace of mind. You need to learn how to deal with this situation since you're choosing to let him remain living with you. You are going to have to find a way to be at peace with this if this relationship is going to continue... and by your actions, it would seem that you're not done with it. As far as his actions are concerned, what's done is done. He says he's not doing it anymore, but he's still checking Craig's List personals and thinking nothing is wrong with that because it's not cheating. Well, it's cheating TO YOU and the litmus test of that is that he would be highly pissed if it was you doing it, so yeah, it's cheating, s0n. No other woman should be getting pictures of his penis. No other woman should be masturbating with him on a web cam. Period. If he was single, he can do that til times get better, but he's not--he's in a 4 year relationship with you. This is about opening a can of "act right". I would say for you to reconsider this relationship. That is a serious breach. It does warrant going to couple's therapy. The fact that he won't should be screaming at you about how he esteems you and the relationship. He isn't doing everything to make this right if he refuses to do that. As Satu said "full disclosure" and nothing less. Edited January 30, 2015 by kendahke 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I would also end the relationship; at this age, he is showing his fetish towards anonymous mastubatorial sex (and possibly anonymous hook-ups). It is the tip of the iceberg and is NOT going to end. He's just beginning to explore this type of sexuality to the exclusion of having sex with you. And in a way, he had already demonstrated that is what he prefers. He can't just turn those desires off. You can't change him and you won't be happy with the type of person he is.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 i would also end the relationship; at this age, he is showing his fetish towards anonymous mastubatorial sex (and possibly anonymous hook-ups). It is the tip of the iceberg and is not going to end. He's just beginning to explore this type of sexuality to the exclusion of having sex with you. And in a way, he had already demonstrated that is what he prefers. He can't just turn those desires off. You can't change him and you won't be happy with the type of person he is.... ^^^^this^^^^ Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 I would also end the relationship; at this age, he is showing his fetish towards anonymous mastubatorial sex (and possibly anonymous hook-ups). It is the tip of the iceberg and is NOT going to end. He's just beginning to explore this type of sexuality to the exclusion of having sex with you. And in a way, he had already demonstrated that is what he prefers. He can't just turn those desires off. You can't change him and you won't be happy with the type of person he is.... Exactly. The whole not having sex with you thing while beating off on a computer is unacceptable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 He has checked out of your relationship and is too much of a coward to end it. Obviously living to gether has made him realize you are not the one, but in some way feels guilty or is obligated to you in some way. Are you able to move out on your own? or do you rely on him finacially and moving would be difficult on you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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