UNCERTAIN

[Julia]

HELLO,

 

HERE IS MY SCENERIO: GUY ASKED ME OUT, I ACCEPTED IT HAS BEEN FIVE MONTHS AND I FEEL THAT THINGS ARE JUST STAGNET. I REALLY LIKE THIS GUY. HE IS VERY NICE AND HAS A LOT OF GOOD QUALITYS THAT I FEEL ARE IMPORTANT. WE TALK ABOUT EVERY OTHER NIGHT ON THE PHONE AND GO ABOUT USAULLY ONCE A WEEK AND SOMETIMES TWICE A WEEK JUST DEPENDING ON OUR SCHEDULES. THE LAST WEEK JUST HAS NOT GONE WELL. IT SEEMS THAT THE LENGTH BETWEEN PHONE CALLS IS LENGTHENING TO SOMETIMES TWO DAYS. I MAY LEAVE A MESSAGE AND HE WON'T CALL ME BACK THAT SAME DAY. AND I KNOW THAT HIS SOCIAL CALANDER IS NOT ALL THAT BUSY. HE TOOK ME OUT FOR VALENTINES FOR DINNER AND GOT ME A CUTE CARD. WE EXCHANGED CHRISTMAS GIFTS AND SUCH. WE HUG AND KISS ON THE LIPS NO TONGUE YET WHEN WE PART. I WANT TO ASK HIM IF THIS IS JUST A FRIENDSHIP OR MORE THAN A FRIENDSHIP. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE I AM GOING, BUT AM AFRAID TO ASK AND/OR NOT SURE HOW TO APPROACH THIS SUBJECT WITH HIM. I JUST DON'T FEEL THAT YOU KISS A FRIEND ON THE LIPS I COULD BE WRONG, BUT I WOULDN'T JUST KISS A GUY FRIEND ON THE LIPS JUST FOR THE HECK OF IT. ALSO AFTER THE FIRST TIME WE WENT OUT HE SENT ME SOME FLOWERS AT WORK THAT SAME WEEK, I COOKED FOR HIM ON OUR SECOND OUTING AND OUR THRID DATE WAS AT HIS HOUSE AND HE COOKED. FEEL ALL THE SIGNS ARE THERE, BUT I AM COMING UP SHORT. HOW DO I APPROACH THIS SUBJECT WITH HIM AND AM I LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD. PLEASE HELP I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!

[WGirl]

and trying to get out of. It is a long story and I wouldn't want to bore you. I know this is hard but you should try asking him where you stand. Tell him you like him as more than a friend and see what he says. At least you will have an answer to your question. That way you will know if you should start seeing other people and back off. I agree with the kissing part. Usually people who are only friends, do not kiss. Nothing is progressing, I can see why you are confused. This may sound cowardly but if you can't say it in person, you should try over the phone or e-mail(if you email each other).

HELLO, HERE IS MY SCENERIO: GUY ASKED ME OUT, I ACCEPTED IT HAS BEEN FIVE MONTHS AND I FEEL THAT THINGS ARE JUST STAGNET. I REALLY LIKE THIS GUY. HE IS VERY NICE AND HAS A LOT OF GOOD QUALITYS THAT I FEEL ARE IMPORTANT. WE TALK ABOUT EVERY OTHER NIGHT ON THE PHONE AND GO ABOUT USAULLY ONCE A WEEK AND SOMETIMES TWICE A WEEK JUST DEPENDING ON OUR SCHEDULES. THE LAST WEEK JUST HAS NOT GONE WELL. IT SEEMS THAT THE LENGTH BETWEEN PHONE CALLS IS LENGTHENING TO SOMETIMES TWO DAYS. I MAY LEAVE A MESSAGE AND HE WON'T CALL ME BACK THAT SAME DAY. AND I KNOW THAT HIS SOCIAL CALANDER IS NOT ALL THAT BUSY. HE TOOK ME OUT FOR VALENTINES FOR DINNER AND GOT ME A CUTE CARD. WE EXCHANGED CHRISTMAS GIFTS AND SUCH. WE HUG AND KISS ON THE LIPS NO TONGUE YET WHEN WE PART. I WANT TO ASK HIM IF THIS IS JUST A FRIENDSHIP OR MORE THAN A FRIENDSHIP. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE I AM GOING, BUT AM AFRAID TO ASK AND/OR NOT SURE HOW TO APPROACH THIS SUBJECT WITH HIM. I JUST DON'T FEEL THAT YOU KISS A FRIEND ON THE LIPS I COULD BE WRONG, BUT I WOULDN'T JUST KISS A GUY FRIEND ON THE LIPS JUST FOR THE HECK OF IT. ALSO AFTER THE FIRST TIME WE WENT OUT HE SENT ME SOME FLOWERS AT WORK THAT SAME WEEK, I COOKED FOR HIM ON OUR SECOND OUTING AND OUR THRID DATE WAS AT HIS HOUSE AND HE COOKED. FEEL ALL THE SIGNS ARE THERE, BUT I AM COMING UP SHORT. HOW DO I APPROACH THIS SUBJECT WITH HIM AND AM I LIVING IN A FANTASY WORLD. PLEASE HELP I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!

[Tony T]

You really need to get up to speed on this. Five months is a long time. It seems your relationship is somewhere between a friendship and a romance. But if you can't get it to a full fledged romance, you need to free yourself to seek love somewhere else and just be friends with this guy.

 

It actually sounds like he may be a bit inexperienced. Or he may very well be confused himself. He may be shy or unaware of the expectations of a lady he's in a relationship with.

 

There is no other way to solve this but to ask him outright to define the relationship as he sees it. If he defines it as a romantic relationship, then you need to initiate the kind of communication that will result in a level of interaction that will be satisfying to you. If he sees it as a very good friendship, you can cut the kissing entirely and open yourself up to meeting other people.

 

Sometimes, guys like this are just confused and you may not get a good answer from him. In that case, when you start dating other people and you let him know, his real feelings will show very quickly one way or the other.

 

The two of you have GOT to talk soon.

 

Please use upper and lower case letters the next time you post. They are much easier to read. Thanks so much!!!

[Tony T]

I totally agree with everything WGirl said in her post...except I think it's pretty important to do this in person. Definitely not in Email. This is a highly personal and significant event. You need to be able to see facial expressions and body language. So often much more is conveyed nonverbally...you need to be able to observe all this.

 

Find a time when the two of you can talk alone, away from distraction. You'll be fine. All of this will get resolved very quickly once you have your talk.

 

If for some reason you'd prefer to communicate with him on this matter via phone or Email by all means do so...but I don't think that would be cool.

[WGirl]

It is better to do it in person. You can get a better idea of somebody's true feelings and intent. It is harder to evade the question.

I totally agree with everything WGirl said in her post...except I think it's pretty important to do this in person. Definitely not in Email. This is a highly personal and significant event. You need to be able to see facial expressions and body language. So often much more is conveyed nonverbally...you need to be able to observe all this. Find a time when the two of you can talk alone, away from distraction. You'll be fine. All of this will get resolved very quickly once you have your talk. If for some reason you'd prefer to communicate with him on this matter via phone or Email by all means do so...but I don't think that would be cool.

[Miss Mojo]

hi julia,

 

the only way you will stop being uncertain is to ask him where you stand with him. just tell him something along the lines of "look, i really like you, but i'm a little confused as to how you feel about me". i would be too if a guy bought me a christmas present, took me out for valentines day, spoke to me so frequently then the calls started to dwindle....and it's for these reasons that i wouldn't hesitate for one moment in asking him what's going on.

 

the worst that can happen is that he won't want the same thing as you. but if that's the case, then it's actually a good thing because it will allow you to move on with your life and you won't feel confused anymore. there's absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about either.

 

you'll find the courage to ask him. don't be afraid. if you feel uncomfortable or nervous, just picture him on the toilet with his pants around his ankles having a tough time after eating too much mcdonalds