I'm Controlling

[billybadass36]

It's just dawned on me that I'm controlling. I've been in denial for my whole life about it. I'm in a great relationship with a great woman and we're getting married in September. She travels a lot for work. She loves that aspect of her job. I knew about this before we got together. The travelling is about two weekends a month. She's going to be gone this weekend, and next weekend I have an annual law school guys golf get together thing out of town. She informed me that while I'm out of town she's going to be going to a bodybuilding competition with her work friend and some of her friend's friends. She told me about how last year they went to this bodybuilding thing and then to the afterparty where all these bodybuilder freaks were. This work friend of hers is a total slut...was not just two-timing, but three-timing her long time boyfriend for about two years. Anyway, for some stupid inexplicable reason I got all pissed about her going to this stupid bodybuilding competition while I'm going to be out of town. I woke up this morning and was so pissed at myself for being pissed at her. At one point in our argument last night it dawned on me:

 

It wasn't that it was wrong for her to want to go to this competition, but rather I was just pissed off that she wouldn't do what I wanted her to do, i.e., sit at home and pine for me while I'm away like I do when she's away. It wasn't so much about me being upset for her going to this thing with these people, but it was about me being upset because she wasn't doing what I wanted her to do.

 

What I think I've figured out is that all of my stupid problems in this and past relationships are due to one thing: my insecurity. I'm an attractive, successful, funny, witty, sexy mo-fo (and quite a catch, I might add), so why the hell am I so insecure in my relationship with my fiancee? Why the hell am I so flipping convinced that she'd cheat on me in a heartbeat if given the opportunity? Why do I get upset when she's out of town having a few drinks with her work friends - several of whom are male? What the hell can I do to make it better? I'm simply at a loss. I always used to blame her job or her friends and their track records for the way I feel. Now, after this most recent disagreement, I'm convinced the problem lies within me. So, I've identified the problem. The deal is, how do I fix it and make sure that it doesn't ruin this otherwise splendid relationship? WTF?

[Cecelius]

I gotta say that there's nothing like getting rid of insucurities -- good show.

 

Its not insecure to pay attention to what goes on though, and the fact is that you can judge a person a lot by their friends.

 

Why does she hang with someone of such low moral character?

[billybadass36]

She works with her. I can't complain about it though because she always reminds me that I'm best friends with one of the most notorious man-whores on the planet.

[FolderWife]

Well understanding yourself is half the battle.

 

When I'm getting pissed off and irrational at the smallest things...and then I realize that my period is two days away, it's a RELIEF, and I can apologize for my actions, and offer this explanation.

 

Now that you've discovered this about yourself, just work on it in the future. It's great that you now know that when you get upset about certain things it's only because you expected things to be a certain way, and didn't know how to react when they weren't.

 

From now on, you'll be able to identify this feeling of disappointment without making a mistake of blowing things out of proportion.

[tokyo]

Hey man, it's great that you at least recognize it. The first step to overcome a problem is to admit it to yourself. Next time you see your girlfriend, you get up and say: "My name is billybadass36 and I'm a control freak. I'm glad that you despite this still love me and stay with me. I thank you for your patience whenever I overreact." Make the first step and acknowledge it, she will appreciate your concern for your relationship and will understand it a little bit more when you start to overreact again.

 

You are insecure, because you are afraid that she might leave, that she's too good for you, that if you will lose control if you don't look after everything. Take a deep breath and relax. If she wanted to leave, she would have done it already, but she always comes back.

[moimeme]

There seems to be a real crisis of trust these days. You're one of the sufferers. Don't know if you were cheated on before or if someone dear to you was or if you've been around a lot of cheaters, but something persuaded part of your brain that cheating is a real risk and that bit of your brain is now on 'high alert' for cheating.

 

What you do is tell yourself that your fiancée has given you no cause to distrust her and that it is unfair to her to distrust her. And then, when those feelings or thoughts arise again, beat them back with that knowledge. Don't allow yourself to distrust her because to do so is to accuse her unfairly. Imagine how hurt you would be if she didn't trust you even though you are loyal (you *are* loyal, right?) and then refuse to inflict that hurt on her.

 

If you can identify the reasons for your mistrust, you then can do battle with them by proving to yourself how irrational they are.

 

You can try reading some Albert Ellis if you run into difficulties. He's all about teaching people how to escape thinking patterns that cause them trouble.

 

And hearty congrats on recognizing this problem and deciding to battle it! You'll both be happier in the end when you conquer it. And you will.

[girly]

I had the same kind of trust issues...I was always scared that he was going to leave. I was notoriously insecure for most of our relationship and he never did anything that would make me not trust him...there was just something about myself that never let me fully let go and totally trust him.

 

What sucks is that I think thats ultimately why he left. I knew when I was doing it that I was wrong to act that way, but insecurity kept popping up repeatedly. I told him then that I was trying to fix it, but I see now that it was something, for me anyways, that I just had to make a decision about and stick with it.

 

"Do I, or do I not trust this great person, who has been with me for a long time, who says he loves me and has never done anything to make me not trust him". Before, my answer was 'yes.......but, what if......" Now though, I just want to say "yes......yes, yes, yes, yes I absolutely trust him".....

 

But it's too late for me......or is it? I don't know. I guess I have to wait and see, but while I'm waiting, I'm going to keep working on those insecurities....bashing them down every chance I get....'cause they just get in the way.

[billybadass36]

Oh, I totally know why I'm "ultra-vigilant" with regard to infidelity, etc. I was cheated on my my ex-fiancee about 8 years ago. Never really let myself get attached to anyone since then. Couple that with being surrounded by people who've cheated or continue to cheat on their SO, I become convinced that it'll happen to me. Whatever. Bottom line is that we've had a great couple of days since my little epiphany, and I just need to keep it in check. Thanks for all your kind responses.