Confronted wife about cheating

[agoodperson]

I have confronted my wife with the proof I had of her affair. She finally admitted it. I told her that I was willing to save the marriage but she would need to break off all contact and delete all communications/pictures she had with him. I basically told her that it is either him or me and she has a day to decide. I am now home and she is at her apartment. She said she was in shock and needed to process everything. I told her I understand and left with the ultimatum in tack. At this point I am very scared for my kids and myself. I have been suffering for about 4 weeks now and it is literally killing me. She is my world and I know she is now in love with me and another man now. Any advice on how to deal with this when I want to try to save the marriage?

[whichwayisup]

Stay strong and stay tough. Do not change the rules of what you laid out for her. She can't have it both ways. She is going to try the 'but I want him in my life as a "friend" ' line. Wait for it. Also, no way will she just end and go NC with him, there's gonna be slip ups and mistakes. you just need to decide how long you'll allow her to slip up before you decide she's not worth it. I know you love her and want her, but to fight for someone who doesn't seem (right now) to want you, is pointless and only will cause you pain.

 

Most of all, don't go begging to her to 'save' the marriage, SHE has to fight for it and put in tons of effort, she has to want it too.

 

Not saying be mean to her, but do be detached around her. No hugs, no kisses, no tears in front of her. She needs to understand and see what she's going lose out on..

 

Focus on your kids and on yourself. Be the best dad to them and make sure they are okay.

[Ralph79]

I can't blame you for the decision you made in regards to saving your marriage but from past experience I will relay advice that was once given to me:

 

She slighted you, and you are giving her ultimatums as a result? She basically got away with it, and you are giving her another chance? Your reaction should have been one of surprise and shock and disgust and you should have been the one saying you want a divorce ASAP and that she could forget about her kids. You need this woman to be begging for forgiveness and wanting to come back, not thinking about it.

 

Then, she would've been in true shock and really been processing information. She could be talking to the OM right now about what's going to happen and gathering herself.

 

Hope this works out for you, but I forgave my exwife and had the same fear of abandonment you do right now, and I learned the hard way that I wouldn't EVER earn her respect by giving her more chances to screw me over. She ended up leaving eventually. But I had no kids with my ex, so it might turn out differently for you.

 

I wish you good luck. Sincerely.

[agoodperson]

I have no idea what to expect. I am firm about the cutting off of all communications with him. I just found out he divorced his over her and he lost his house to foreclosure. He live 2000 miles away to boot. I can't believe I am in this situation. I am a great loving man who has dedicated his life to his family. Why is the world so cruel? I am scared for my kids. We have been reconciling over the last week until I found out today and it was going great. This is unbelievable. Is there anyone out there that actually got their marriage to work after something like this?

[Yasuandio]

Ralph is right. You showed your hand. Ultimatums do not usually go over very well with the typical human being. Wrong move.

 

When you cannot have something, it just makes you want it more. That is human nature. Dude, you gotta reverse the momentum on this one. Ya shot yourself in the foot.

 

She needs to process? Dafuq, man? She has already been processing this guy's salami long enough. Perhaps you might consider trying the "Reverse Ultimatum (developed by Mimi Tanner). You will have to alter it somewhat. Help her pack her bags, and sincerely wish her a nice life with the new guy, and mean it. Initiate a divorce. Begin living "the charmed life" without her. Go at least a year. Stick to your guns, be strong. You can always stop the divorce. Most divorces take a year anyway. She needs to BELIEVE that she is losing you.

 

Otherwise, you in for years and years of loose conduct. As, basically, you have granted immediate relief, security, forgiveness, and open arms as a reward for Huge Adultery. Plus, you provided some processing time (at that request, no matter how much it hurt - your dignity was riding on how you responded). I'm sorry I have to tell you the truth. I have read about this situation hundreds of times.

 

Well, that is my opinion, only. I am just one humble poster. Listen to everyone, and I hope you find the best choice for your family. Yas

[Ralph79]

I have no idea what to expect. I am firm about the cutting off of all communications with him. I just found out he divorced his over her and he lost his house to foreclosure. He live 2000 miles away to boot. I can't believe I am in this situation. I am a great loving man who has dedicated his life to his family. Why is the world so cruel? I am scared for my kids. We have been reconciling over the last week until I found out today and it was going great. This is unbelievable. Is there anyone out there that actually got their marriage to work after something like this?

 

I'll say this once more. And forgive me if I seem cold and blunt. I know this was very hard on you. I am investing myself emotionally on this thread with you because I lived this less than 2 years ago. And not a day goes by that I don't regret with every bit of my soul not following expert advice.

 

You want to know why the world is cruel? Why this happens to a dedicated and loving man? Because we allowed it to happen. Because we let people step on us, take a dump on us, humiliate us, and we forgave them because we love them. We are doormats to people that do this to us, and we'll keep being doormats until we stop letting them step on us.

 

That is why the world is cruel. Because we go off and cry and complain about life's unfairness instead of taking charge of our lives and making the world fair for us.

 

I know you want to hear someone who worked this out. There probably is. I'm a rational man. I have to believe someone made this work. But whoever did it, did so by having the balls and the backbone to tell their faltering partner "I'm sick and tired of your crap. GTFO", and making them realize how badly they messed up.

 

Every single one of my friends including my older and wiser brother told me to steer clear of my xwife when she came back begging for another chance 3 months after screwing around with her xBF. Had I told her to go to hell back then, I have no doubt in my mind that she would still be begging for another chance to this day because she would be wondering how good it could have been. Instead, I forgave her. Told her to cut off all communications with her xBF, and 4 months later she left again.

 

Point I'm trying to make is, my wife made my life hell, and ALL she had to do to undo all the damage she did to me was cry "I'm so sorry". It took no real effort on her part to come back, which meant she didn't truly value the chance I gave her because she didn't earn it.

 

We're saying this to help you save your dignity and hopefully your marriage. I really don't see a reason that might make her have a change of heart all of a sudden. Once the shock of her knowing you knew dies down, I don't see what's gonna keep her from going behind your back again. I really don't.

 

I can tell you one thing. If I were reading this almost 2 years ago when my xWife came back the first time, I would've completely ignored it, and would've kept asking for more advice, until I read something I wanted to read. Something along the lines of "Her affair and repentance made us stronger as a couple".

 

So I understand how you feel right now. And I won't judge you if you take her back. How could I , I did the same thing. I'm just sharing my experience because it could prove helpful to you.

 

Once again, I truly hope for the best for you and your family man. Take care.

[BeholdtheMan]

She is my world

Why is a cheating woman "your world"?

 

You should be your world. Don't be dependant on others to complete you.

[agoodperson]

The pain is only getting worse at this point. It 433 in the morning and I have not slept a minute. I feel like a piece of Crap and I did nothing wrong. I am lost in a world of depression over this and it is getting worse every second. I soon have to go to work and try to teach high school and coach a football game with her watching on. There is no way to make today easy or smooth. It is going to be rough if she says she wants a divorce or if she says she is ready to fight for our family. (3 children...9 12 14) I know many would say giving her another chance is a bad idea, but I will not live with regret that I didn't try. If it fails or she decides that she wants the other man, then I will have to accept it and get the help I need to deal with that specific outcome. I have always been a positive person, but I now find myself thinking nothing but negative thoughts. I cannot laugh or even smile anymore. I know it sounds like a boo hoo for me speech, but it isnt. I am lost and don't know what to do. I will be strong for the kids, but it will not be easy. When she left 3 weeks ago, it was a living hell for all of the kids and myself. Now after getting along great the last week, I am now back to that level of depression that I just can't control. I hope it subsides quickly, but after hearing her response today, Im sure I will not be able to handle it. Please keep me in your thoughts today my friends...I'm going to need all the help I can get.

[Ralph79]

I hope you see that this is a really unhealthy situation for you now. Regardless of her response. Read your latest posts. Don't you think you're bordering on obsession and not necessarily love?

 

On a positive note: I'm not saying it's a bad idea to give her a chance. I'm saying make her earn it. If you don't make her value the husband she married, if she can just waltz in and out of your marriage with no consequences, she most likely will one day leave you. Simply think about what you did. You gave her 24 hours to settle her affairs with the other guy. The old me would have done the same. Had this happen to me today I wouldn't have given her any time. You don't OWE them time. She cheated on you. It's not like they were a couple before they met you and you barged into their lives and drove them apart. You are displaying weakness and she will either take advantage of that or loathe it later. The sad part is, when we do this, you and I think we're being logically reasonable. We're not. We're just as crazy as they are for letting this continue a minute longer, let alone 24 hours.

 

Also the reason I say threaten her with a divorce and react really pissed off is because you have to set a precedent that this is not ok. Regardless of how much you love her. You can't let ANYONE do this to you. If you kick her out of your life now, there is a 60/40 chance she comes back once she truly appreciates what she lost. If you let her stay without paying the consequences she will never value you.

 

I'm sorry, but she left your house. She rented an apartment to freely interact with her lover, and all the while she did this deceiving you. Tell me, how can you expect her to love a man who doesn't have an ounce of dignity of self-respect?. To love and be loved by someone, you first need to learn to love yourself. You have been neglecting yourself throughout all this ordeal, please don't lose sight of that. You are a really valuable and good person. It really sucks to see someone treat you this way.

 

Regardless. We're all cheering for you. Keep posting if it helps you cope. But do try to get some sleep. Take some pills or sleeping aid to help.

 

You'll be ok. Hurt if she says no. But you have dozens of people here willing to support you no matter what the outcome.

[Diezel]

You want to give her another chance so that you can spend a lifetime wondering if she's been texting the guy again? Emailing? What's she doing when I'm not at the house? Did she call him today? Why is she taking so long in the shower? Will she do it again?

 

You can't be on call 24-7 to make sure she doesn't do it again.

 

No matter the ultimatum, you are already losing this war.

 

You should have gone to an attorney instead.

[agoodperson]

Well she answered with the I love you both line. She wants therapy and to be able to still talk to him. I am going to take your advice and salvage what little dignity I have left and tell her that I wish her the best with her new man. I can't try to make this work if she isn't willing to put forth 100%. She says she can't just shut him out when she loves him. Wtf? I am just in total shock right now...literally. my heart is crushed and I feel like I am on an island by myself. Writing helps here and your comments truly help get through the day. I plan on telling her that we are done if she can't give me a 100% next time we talk...which should be after work. She will say that she understands and go about her happy little day. I just can't stand being the victim. It is amazing that people can destroy others so easily. I am broken to the point that I don't know what to do now.

[Radu]

I have confronted my wife with the proof I had of her affair. She finally admitted it. I told her that I was willing to save the marriage but she would need to break off all contact and delete all communications/pictures she had with him. I basically told her that it is either him or me and she has a day to decide. I am now home and she is at her apartment. She said she was in shock and needed to process everything. I told her I understand and left with the ultimatum in tack. At this point I am very scared for my kids and myself. I have been suffering for about 4 weeks now and it is literally killing me. She is my world and I know she is now in love with me and another man now. Any advice on how to deal with this when I want to try to save the marriage?

 

She has put you through hell for 4 weeks because of what is happening to her ?

What is happening to her [being in love with 2 different guys] is by her actions and actions and actions alone ... it is pure and complete selfishness on her part.

 

And you still refuse to call her out on it ... to put her in her place.

You 'debate' with her.

 

You should not have confronted again with the info you have; WS always lie ... ALWAYS. So you confront with less evidence and you do not accept their bullcr*p; when they do recognize enough to explain your limited evidence you know that they will trickle truth you forever and they are not comitted to the relationship.

You are still playing catch-up in a game that she controls ... not you.

 

Your power in this negociation just went down through your actions ... this is what you could do to still make it work your way :

- go and talk to a lawyer

- make a plan of action with the lawyer

- see life after this relationship

- apply the 180

- stop communication with her; let her do whatever ...

- Divorce ASAP [i would actually have her served at work ... and try to put the OM into the picture somehow]

When she does finally contact you ... tell her you will proceed forward with the Divorce.

She will want to know what she can do to make it better ... etc.

She might even want to initiate sex with you to make sure you stick around ... to bond with you [refuse it and don't seem too disappointed that you have to].

 

If you still want Reconcilliation tell her that you want the below done in full :

- the OM has to be destroyed in whatever way possible; lost job ... disrupted family life ... etc.

She has to choose you over him and she has to burn that bridge down.

- postnup signed [made by your lawyer]

- lie detector test

- she has to show the affair in full ... no more trickle truthing [if she doesn't ... you move the D forward]

- she has to pull the Reconcilliation wagon ... not you

 

Basically the above is on your terms.

Stop being selfless to her selfishness.

[sandylee1]

Remember that she left because of the OM. He divorced so they could be together. They have made plans for their future that doesn't include you. At one point seeing him on the sly wasn't enough for her. They want their relationship out in the open. They were happy to split two families. Think and digest all of this.

 

Sometimes life sucks. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't deserve to be cheated on. If she wasn't happy she should have told you. She made her decision when she left, now you're asking her to choose because you confronted her with the cheating. Im just a bit confused why you gave this ultimatum when she's already moved on.

[Ralph79]

Well she answered with the I love you both line. She wants therapy and to be able to still talk to him. I am going to take your advice and salvage what little dignity I have left and tell her that I wish her the best with her new man. I can't try to make this work if she isn't willing to put forth 100%. She says she can't just shut him out when she loves him. Wtf? I am just in total shock right now...literally. my heart is crushed and I feel like I am on an island by myself. Writing helps here and your comments truly help get through the day. I plan on telling her that we are done if she can't give me a 100% next time we talk...which should be after work. She will say that she understands and go about her happy little day. I just can't stand being the victim. It is amazing that people can destroy others so easily. I am broken to the point that I don't know what to do now.

 

Going to try and keep this as rational and logical as I see it:

 

1. Her "I love you both" statement is illogical. She is hurting you by being with him. She is undermining you and your kids. She's worried about you but she LOVES HIM. She is protecting him at your expense. I don't see how you could possibly accept her statement as truth. (Not implying you believe it)

 

2. She's with you because she needs a settlement because the OM is broke. The fact that she knows that you are aware of their affair has made her change her strategy and the OM might even tell her to stick it out with you until the opportune moment arrives. She's testing your limits by telling you what she told you.

 

If you TRULY want a chance to reclaim your sanity and dignity, then you have to divorce her. You have to take the initiative and expedite everything. Take yourself out of her life. She thinks she has you on the palm of her hand. Surprise her and cut her off completely. I guarantee that once her new relationship inevitably crashes, she will come begging you for a chance. In the meantime fix your life and open your eyes. You don't need her anymore. Not like this.

 

I'm worried about you. After all the anger and emotion you showed throughout all your posts, and after all the advice people gave you, you just heard her say she loves him too, and you keep stalling. She's training you to accept this. You should've blown a fuse right in front of her. This is the moment in your life in which you take control man. Beat her to the punch.

[LoveMyCat]

If she can't or won't give up the other man, what is there to save? I take it you are not in a plural marriage so she does not get to have two "spouses" and if she needs time to think about it, she is in too deep and won't be forgetting this other man anytime soon even if she "choose" you. Every time you have the slightest problem, she will be comparing him to you, and you will lose. If she feels forced to give him up, he will retain superior status in her mind as the "ideal" man she sacrificed for your marriage. The very fact that she was "shocked" by an ultimatum shows that she had no intention of leaving him cold turkey and trying to fix the marriage.

 

I think you need to move on and plan your life as a single parent, regardless of what might happen in the future.

[KBarletta]

As hard as it is, I think you absolutely need to tell her that you're done, then cut all communication that isn't involving your children, for a good long time. She won't stop talking to the OM but she wants therapy? That's a deal breaker in my mind. She's trying to eat her cake and have it too. It doesn't work that way, and I hope you don't let that happen, as it will undermine any respect she might have for you and your relationship. You will become Plan B.

 

You've already told her that anything less that cutting all ties with her other man and committing to reconciliation is acceptable, no? And she's not willing to live by those terms. She's made her choice, by not making one.

 

It's going to hurt like hell (believe me, I know what it's like, I am living it), but I hope you stay strong, tell her that by not making a choice, she's made her choice, and then move on. Be the best dad you can be, get to a lawyer and start the divorce process.

[Be_Strong]

This early after discovering the affair, all of your natural instincts as to what actions to take will be wrong. It's going to be hard ignoring those natural inclinations, but usually the best course of action is to do the exact opposite of what you think you should do.

 

I have been in your shoes and I made all of the usual mistakes and also did a lot of the right things. I learned for myself what is effective and what doesn't work. Like you, I desparately wanted my cheating wife to return to me and cut off the OM. I tried to "nice" her back. Didn't work. I tried to reason with her and have a logical pro's and con's discussion with her. Didn't work. I tried begging her to be with me and tried to show how much I love her. Really, really didn't work. I tried to be patient and let her have her limbo period to decide who she wanted to be with. Didn't work. I tried to show her how hurt and sad I was, hoping that her empathy would cause her to break out of the fog. Didn't work. Tried having deep discussions about us and our issues. Didn't work. Tried fixing all of the ways that she said I was deficient as a husband that led to her affair. Didn't work. Tried giving her what I thought she was getting from the OM. Didn't work.

 

So what did "work"? (and by work I mean things that caused her to move in my direction instead of away from me). Projecting a strong, healthy and independent person to her. Taking steps to move on from her. Moving forward with a divorce. Making new friends and taking up new activities. Doing fun things without her. Her witnessing other women taking an interest in me. Pretty much all of the 180 steps.

 

Strangely enough, the more effectively you implement the 180 and improve yourself as an independent person, the more she'll be drawn to you but the less you'll want to be with her. It will put you in a healthier state of mind to determine if you truly want to try to reconcile. With all of the emotions raging in you right now, you simply cannot make a proper decision about whether you should stay with your wife. Don't compete with this OM for your wife. You don't compete for a cheater.

[Ralph79]

I tried to "nice" her back. Didn't work. I tried to reason with her and have a logical pro's and con's discussion with her. Didn't work. I tried begging her to be with me and tried to show how much I love her. Really, really didn't work. I tried to be patient and let her have her limbo period to decide who she wanted to be with. Didn't work. I tried to show her how hurt and sad I was, hoping that her empathy would cause her to break out of the fog. Didn't work. Tried having deep discussions about us and our issues. Didn't work. Tried fixing all of the ways that she said I was deficient as a husband that led to her affair. Didn't work. Tried giving her what I thought she was getting from the OM. Didn't work.

 

Man Talk about your 8 step program to losing your manhood.

 

1. Be Nice

2. Be Reasonable

3. Beg

4. Be Patient

5. Be a Victim

6. Be Logical

7. Be Someone you're not

8. Be the OM

 

I'm sorry, I'm not trying make light of the situation, but I did the exact same thing in pretty much the exact same order. Geez. And I will admit, the 180 is the only thing that works, IF you commit to it, not just pretend or act it out. It's up to us in the future once we personally fix everything, if we want the crazies back in our lives to ruin it again.

[Be_Strong]

Man Talk about your 8 step program to losing your manhood.

 

1. Be Nice

2. Be Reasonable

3. Beg

4. Be Patient

5. Be a Victim

6. Be Logical

7. Be Someone you're not

8. Be the OM

 

I'm sorry, I'm not trying make light of the situation, but I did the exact same thing in pretty much the exact same order. Geez. And I will admit, the 180 is the only thing that works, IF you commit to it, not just pretend or act it out. It's up to us in the future once we personally fix everything, if we want the crazies back in our lives to ruin it again.

Yeah, like I said I did just about everything wrong, but I was just following my emotions that will completely betray you. I wish I had found this site early on and not made all those mistakes. Instead I had to find out on my own the hard way.

You're right about committing to the 180. I didnt find out about the 180 until later. But when I first read about it, I realized I had eventually done the 180. It's mostly just a mindset--stop worrying about your partner and instead work on yourself and get in a position to be able to move on without the spouse. I didn't do it to try to win back my spouse. I did it because I accepted the fact that she was gone and I had to take care of myself. It was an unexpected side effect that it pulled my wife back to me.

[Yasuandio]

KB has also nailed it. CAKE-EATING. (If it makes you feel any better).

 

She is not in love with two men. She is in "fog" with sausage, that's all. Lust, that is what it is all about. The brain chemicals of new luscious lust feel like love (below your belt). But, with this sausage, she has no extended family, no children, no wedding memories, no birthdays, no celebrations, no trips, no excitement of a first job, turning the key to the door of your first home, a lift over the first threshold, your ear pressed to her tummy listening - with loving anticipation, to each baby to grow in her womb......

 

What does she have with this sausage? Hiding, covert activity, secrets, lies, darkness, screwing, screwing, screwing, screwing, screwing, and more screwing? Big deal. Even porn workers get that.

 

Now, her vagina is corrupted by the ejaculate of another man's sausage. After you, and your lovely babies, this is what she choose to put inside herself to receive multiple dishonest orgasm sensations she "thinks" define love. She will find out, not long from now, that her box is just another banjo to be played by this man's sausage - as his moral standards are likely in a deeper gutter hole than hers.

 

And there you have it. It is a lot of things, but it is not love, Sir. It is impossible to love two men at one time.

 

I'm sorry to lay this out so graphically, but this is my style. I hope, unfortunately, I painted a picture for you in your mind.

 

Time to process? Yes, she is processing alright. But the lust will win her over in the end, it always does (whether you will know about it or not). It always does. Cheaters, once caught, are very careful the next time - especially when there are no consequences (that's what I meant when I said you "showed your cards).

 

Ralph pretty much spelled it out for you.

 

If you treated her bad, abused her, withdrew affection, denied her intimacy - then I might could understand you need to have compassion for her misdeed. However, if you were a good husband to her, decent, only decent, then - this is way, way out of line, unacceptable, unforgivable. You must take action. She cannot un-f this situation. She cannot un-f the fact she said to you she's "in love with two men."

 

I hope you do the sensible, logical thing, it could salvage possible a future relationship as at the very least, a half-way acceptable co-parent partenship (think with your head, not your heart). But sadly, I believe by the time you begin to "process" the facts yourself, you will be mighty disgusted, and will not want her. And, you must get to the point of "not wanting her" anyway, for her to want you back. Here again, human nature - People Want What They Cannot Have. Period.

 

Yas

Edited January 30, 2015 by Yasuandio

[agoodperson]

Update...I finally took your advice and grew a set. I have followed her cell phone calls on the Verizon website. She called him again when she had the kids and that was the last straw. I told her...no...I demanded a divorce immediately. She agreed. I let loose on her like I have never done in 17 years. Called her out for what she is. Told her that she is. All she was worried about was if I would tell the kids she ****ed someone over Christmas and that is why she wasn't home. Selfishness yo the bitter end. I stormed out of the house and told her that the nice husband is dead and now she gets to see what it is like to be hurt. I told the kids we r definitely getting divorced and mommy doesn't want to come home ever. They are teens and we'll aware of her changed nature and they all hate it. They don't want to go to her crappy apartment, but I told them she loves them and has a legal right to see them based on our child care agreement. Th hey didn't care. Lol. My oldest son suspects another man, but I am shielding them from the gross acts she has committed.

[Ralph79]

Good for you that you stood up for yourself. Unfortunate that it had to be this way, but better late than never.

 

She might call you back and ask for an opportunity, or change her tune, but don't forget that it's going to take more than mere words like "I'm sorry" to ever fix this.

 

On another note. I might suggest being careful about this:

 

" I told the kids we r definitely getting divorced and mommy doesn't want to come home ever."

 

And

 

" but I am shielding them from the gross acts she has committed."

 

You'll eventually have to give them a logical reason for what's going on. But don't drag your kids into the middle of the ugly situation your wife has created. She is their mother and it's important that they respect her.

 

She might have had a mental lapse. We're all human, but she betrayed your trust and love. Some things are harder to forgive than others. And while, she might not be your wife soon, but she will always be their mother. Keep that in mind for your kids sake in the way you treat your wife in front of them.

[whichwayisup]

Good that you finally see her for who she is and gave her a piece of your mind. Now, go stealth and cold. NO reaction when you speak to her and don't say anything that might come back to bite you in the butt.

 

Do continue to shield your kids, just tell them they don't need to know details.

They know enough as it is and even though they're older still the less they know the better.

[aliveagain]

Sorry to say this but there is nothing to save here. Your part time wife is in love with another man, she is actively dating. She is now another mans dirt and all of this is her doing. If you want her to take you seriously, file, have her served, cut her out of your finances, let her experience life without you. You need to distance yourself from her, the best way to do this that makes you look stronger is to implement the 180, just google the 180 and make it part of your life. Divorce takes time and if she pulls her head out of her cheating a$$ you can stop the process any time up to the final decree.

 

You deserve a spouse you can trust, you and your children deserve to be happy. Waiting for your wife while she test drives the other man is not a position any man wants. Take yourself out of infidelity, file, you deserve so much better than this.

[beach]

Stay strong and do what's best for you and your kids.

 

Does your wife work? Who's paying for her apartment?