Confronted wife about cheating

[Ralph79]

Congratulations. I sincerely hope it works out for you and thank you very much for taking the time to update us on things. A lot of people may differ opinion wise but I'm sure we all hope for the best for you regardless.

 

Once again thanks and good luck.

[oldshirt]

I wish I could be happy for you, I really do. But it's a hollow victory when she only comes back asking for forgiveness after the OM dumps her.

 

 

I hope you find peace.

[atreides]

Be sure of what you want by what you know in your gutt.

 

As others have said, someone can love 2 people, but not in the option of cheating, the "cheat" eliminates the connection and thus just leaves the addiction.

 

I do also feel this is all hallow, first by her saying how you were with her as in passion and etc. etc, then you going on about not being there... going down that road will never give you the root of her cheating, simply because marriage problems have nothing to do with infidelity. They are two very separate worlds and treating one to cure the other does not work. Keep that in mind.

By blaming you and whatever x,y,z reason in the marriage is not remorse or "seeing the light"... it is deflection and she has yet to own what she did.

 

Best of luck, don't let your guard down... so many times BS come back here in further pain as they find the A is far from over and went underground and so on by whatever reason the wayward gave, such as yours.

 

Moreover, the rapid need to conclude either way in D or R and to take things at such shallow value yields disaster later on.

 

best of luck and sending strength.

[Radu]

Update for those that are following this. It was a hard weekend. She and the OM are through. He was "shocked" that she cheated on him with her own husband. I don't even know what to say to that.

So he dumped her ... remember this.

You caused it but in the end he dumped her [he was looking for an excuse obviously but still].

 

She has started to apologize to me in a very sincere way and has asked for forgiveness. We have been talking for the last two days and just hanging out talking. I am one to cut right to the chase and get the issues out into the open.

Of-course she started apologizing ... look at the timing.

You should not be hanging out with her ... you should not be the one who is leading to Reconciliation.

 

You are the prize here ... you hold the power.

She is supposed to work on Reconcilliation ... she is supposed to do the hard work.

Why are you giving her your time and making it easier for her ?

 

I told her our marriage is dead. She agreed. I told her that we would need to start a new marriage if she really wanted to be with me. (This meant getting a divorce and remarriage) she felt that would be great for her. My point in this v is that if she truly loved me, she wouldn't want the divorce and would ask to just get counselling.

She will agree with anything you feed her at this point because she wants you to stop this and just go back to the security she had before ... not the impending lack of security that Divorce entails.

 

Your point is ... i doubt it.

I don't think she truly loves you but that is not the sign you are looking for.

For real love you need selflessness ... putting your SO above yourself; her actions were and still are pure selfish.

 

Today we talked and she told me that she definitely doesn't want a divorce and she realizes how much she loves me and that she was a fool for what she did.

Before she told you what you wanted to hear ... she mirrored you.

Now she has started guiding you towards her desired outcome [not getting divorced ... do some counselling ... some new-age crappy 'renewing ceremony' where like a fool you pledge yourself to her again ... to make her feel wanted you know !].

 

Keep in mind she is a very beautiful woman who could have almost any man. So telling her that she could be free to go to the other man, made it very real for her.

That is your perception of her.

Maybe it's mostly true ... maybe not.

Maybe you're underestimating your real value in the market place.

 

She let her heart talk and she said that my passion and fight is what she missed for the last few years and that my renewed fight cleared her fog and she realizes she ****ed up. We are not doing anything but hanging out at this point and seeing the chemistry between us. It has been very strong and grows by the day.

Look up hysteric bonding ... it is similar.

The chemistry is her mirroring what you need to see/hear.

 

For those that say being a hard ass pays off, I will use my experience to show that being determined and passionate can also pay off. This is not some street hooker, she is the mother of my 3 children. This the woman who helped hold me when I almost died and waited on me hand and foot when I was almost paralyzed from a major spinal injury. She has been there for me for 16 years. But, these last few months, she wasn't there and I was to blind to see she needed me. It is a 2 way street in a relationship. I by no means excuse what she did, but I do forgive her.

Ok ... those things matter a lot and are the reason why you should in fact go for reconcilliation.

However ... the problem is 'i do forgive her'.

 

It means you have already given her a pass ... which goes hand in hand with many posters assessment of your as a ... welcome mat.

You put her over you time and time again ... you should not even be surprised that she did something so incredibly selfish.

 

No person is free from imperfections. She has finally seen the light is going to counselling tomorrow and we have decided to make this work or at least try to. Will it work out in the? I feel in my heart that it will.

Stop speaking in emotions for gods sake ... you're a man.

'i feel in my heart that it will' translates very easily into 'i need this to work' and will influence what is about to happen greatly ... essentially you still see yourself as lucky to have her ... as having less power ... as having to settle.

 

We have agreed to move a really slow pace and see where it takes us. The fact that she hugs me and doesn't let go for an hour shows me signs of the woman I met 17 years ago. She is writing a closure letter to the OM stating her new feelings towards me and ending all contact with him forever.

Hysterical bonding ... she needs to make it work ... and work it shall by the look of things.

 

Letter to the OM ?

Since when is the OM important enough ?

She should offer his head to you on a silver platter with pate de foie gras and Beluga caviar on the side ... not put his feelings in any sort of place that shows validity.

 

The OM should be to her a speck of dust ... an insect.

The letter she is writing is because she still has feelings for the guy ... and that's it.

 

She has deleted all pictures and writings as I have asked her to do. This was her own decision and one that gave me what I needed to grant her a shot at reconciliation. I will post another update down the road and let you know how it is going. I did not use the 180 method, but my method worked in a matter of a few days after she moved out.

You should have kept them ... they could have helped you down the line even if only they existed.

 

There are 2 methods to make a marriage work after infidelity :

- the one with the problem [the BS ... you] has to sweep it under the rug and the marriage survives

- everything is brought out in the open and something new starts ... no lying.

 

It's ok if you choose the former but don't pretend it's the latter.

You are giving her a pass ... don't act like it's not that.

Stop using these rationalizations to ensure that you feel good about yourself.

[Trimmer]

She is writing a closure letter to the OM stating her new feelings towards me and ending all contact with him forever.

Respectfully: Her "closure letter" to him should not need to be more than one or two brief sentences, and there's no place or need for her to talk about her feelings for you or to spend any energy justifying her decision to him. "We are done. We will never speak again." Any topics beyond those are superfluous, and a waste of energy, emotion, and ink.

 

I wish, when this had happened to me back around 1995, that I had the benefit of advice from a forum like LS, just to get some outside perspective.

 

Good luck. I say that with sincerity and hope, as well as dread.

[aliveagain]

She works, but she will have to pay about a 1,000 per month for child support and 1200 for rent. She clears about 3000 a month so you can see when you put in her other bills, she will be toast. No more eating eat, no more shopping, no more botox, no more expensive vacations, no more anything! Let Mr house foreclosure come and pay for it all...she's his mess now.

 

Side question...should I let him know that I have been nailing her all week? (Basically let the guy know she cheated on him after telling him we were done?...it stopped once I found out she cheated) My thought is that she loses everything. I actually yelled at the guy and he swore never to talk to her again. Which he hasn't done in 2 days. But she keeps trying to get a hold of him. It is weird to see her fight so hard for him but give me up like yesterday's lunch.

 

Please read bolded print over and over and over again than think about why she now chooses you? You are her fall back position, are you ok knowing that?

[road]

Closure letter?

What closure letter?

You do not need no stinkin' closure letters.

 

 

You tell your WW that she is to write a NC, no contact, letter.

 

 

Where in it she writes a brief to the point letter Where she regrets the having the affair, knowing the OM, hurting her BH and family with her poor judgment and actions. That from this point on there is to be NC between them forever.

 

 

Then block the OM's phone and email. And all other ways they contacted each other.

[sandylee1]

She has deleted all pictures and writings as I have asked her to do. This was her own decision and one that gave me what I needed to grant her a shot at reconciliation.

 

 

You are contradicting yourself here. You say she deleted them because you asked, then it's because she wanted to. Which is it?

 

The OM ended it and now she wants you back. If she was truly remorseful it would be different, but it is only because he chucked her. I don't want to sound harsh, but your wife moved out and had future plans with another man. I'd say she mentally checked out of the marriage and I'm worried you will find yourself in this position again. I really hope not though.

[Spectre]

Well, I for one think all this machistic He-man grow a pair is just what it is... leftovers from the men's movement. You want to go alpha, join a club and go beat some drums in a forest somewhere.

 

What your wife did to you IN SPITE of the "expert advice" from a poster here, she did for herself.

 

Your wife, regardless of the "expert advice" about becoming Steven Segal did what she did FOR HER, not AGAINST YOU and definitely NOT BECAUSE you were some kind of BETA male. That is pure crap and the only reason you aren't hearing it is because this swan song of ALPHA MALE prevents WW has been going on for weeks now in LS and people have said their thing about it and aren't going to get back into that ridiculous debate.

 

Your wife committed infidelity because it is what she wanted for herself.

 

Being ALPHA MALE with BRASS BALLS would not have prevented your wife from straying because she wasn't straying - from her perspective - from you, she was straying from HERSELF.

 

So now you have your answer: She probably hasn't even made up her mind, you more or less have told her not to choose. Fine enough. As long as you are happy with that decision. FINE.

 

But recognize there is another side to this issue: She was in love with 2 men? Possibly, what is certain is she WAS IN 2 RELATIONSHIPS. Not choosing was allowing her to do so.

 

My WW was doing the same. Going through life in 2 relationships. It took her 2 hours to say she chose the marriage. But how is that supposed to happen, rationally, if you are in two relationships? It doesn't. Any pressure anyone puts on anyone to decide means the decision is not necessarily a genuine one. So when my WW said she would end her A, I later understood this to mean she choose our M over her A but not for the reasons I was wanting. Panic, seeing that her image was going to be dragged through the mud, thinking about her family, breaking up her marriage... whatever. These are the things that come to mind. You cannot ask someone in 2 relationships to choose 1 and think that player 2 is severed. This was never going to happen. Just as you needed time to recover from finding out your W has done what she has done the WS also needs time to get over the AP. It's just a fact of being in two relationships. Nothing about your WW's story is unique.

 

So here you are now with what you feel you can live with. I hope it works out for you. Because it sounded to me like you actually loved your wife - truly loved her. You heard about her A, and it broke you. Understood. I've been there. But then within days of this, you force a decision, and now your wife is a f--king slut? a whore? Really? Had she chosen you, would she be less a whore? less a slut? No one here in LS knows your wife from a hole in the ground but some here seem to think your wife is their WS. That's their problem. Asking your wife to choose is not the problem. Negotiating with her while she hasn't chosen definitely is a problem. This doesn't involve "growing a pair" this is basic self respect. You cannot negotiate with someone who is negotiating with someone else for the same.

 

I'm hoping you find peace, really, because it seems to me this whole thing escalated rapidly and has really isn't being driven by you at all. It's been driven by anger, resentment, verbal abuse, revenge seeking - all the good characteristics of two adults working out a serious serious issue in their lives.

 

Hey, maybe it is better that the two of you split. But man, if this is the way I chose to do it, I'd wouldn't be asking myself about how my WW had changed, I'd be asking myself about why I decided that becoming somewhat of an arse - or not behave the way I really am - because some guy on LS brow beat me to grow a pair of brass balls and stake out my neanderthal rights as Alpha male - I'd be worried more about me than her. I hope when the dust settles you feel good about how this all went down. That's all.

 

Please dismount off your high horse immediately. This woman does..all that she did, and here you are harping on him because he called a woman who cheats on her husband a slut? I mean christ almighty, you told him he should be asking himself how he became an "arse" instead of asking himself how this happened? He is an arse because he called his slutty cheating wife..a slut?

 

Just..wow. Priorities. Of course he called her a name, she cheated on him. Just like a woman would probably call a guy who cheats on her an a-hole, but why do I get the feeling if that was the case you wouldn't be coming and jumping in just to tell her to not focus on the betrayal and instead focus on why she is being an "arse"?

 

Here, let me nip this in the butt. You wanna know how and why he became an arse? His f*cking wife cheated on him.

Edited February 4, 2015 by Spectre

[Cavallier]

agoodperson, you seem to be grasping at straws and swinging wildly between them. And its understandable, you're frightened and hurt.

 

Personally, I don't feel you've had nearly long enough to make any decisions about whether you are prepared to take her back or not, and the only thing that will give you a clear perspective on this situation is time and distance. She needs to be out of your life as much as possible for the time being while *you* assimilate and assess your own needs without any manipulation from her, because manipulation is what it'll be right now. I really believe you should be telling her this and immediately going NC with her. And don't even think about giving yourself *or her* a deadline for coming to a decision, you need to give yourself as long as it takes.

 

If you get back with her now, however much either of you appears to want to work on your marriage, you'll be building it on quicksand.

[oldshirt]

Update for those that are following this. It was a hard weekend. She and the OM are through. He was "shocked" that she cheated on him with her own husband. .

 

Here's the real bitter irony to this whole thing, she is going to have more respect and admiration for the OM. The OM had the giblets to kick a cheater to the curb for pulling one over on him.

 

Not take her in after she got dumped and accepted being a fall-back consolation prize.

 

She'll be pining for the OM and will jump into his bed the moment she thinks he may give her a chance to redeem herself.

 

This is a sad situation :-(

[goodyblue]

That is exactly what will happen. I feel bad for OP.

[italianjob]

Well, I for one think all this machistic He-man grow a pair is just what it is... leftovers from the men's movement. You want to go alpha, join a club and go beat some drums in a forest somewhere.

 

What your wife did to you IN SPITE of the "expert advice" from a poster here, she did for herself.

 

Maybe I've missed something here, but I don't recall reading any post that urged the OP the go ALPHA or become an ALPHA MALE. Several posters advised him to "Grow a pair" that, in this case, was simply a much needed (IMO) call to avoid letting other people (in this case his wife) walk all over him. I read no "Alpha call to arms" in that invitation, it was a colloquial expression that could easily have been substituted with "Put your foot down". This rant of yours about Alpha/Beta is simply senseless in this thread.

 

 

Your wife, regardless of the "expert advice" about becoming Steven Segal did what she did FOR HER, not AGAINST YOU and definitely NOT BECAUSE you were some kind of BETA male. That is pure crap and the only reason you aren't hearing it is because this swan song of ALPHA MALE prevents WW has been going on for weeks now in LS and people have said their thing about it and aren't going to get back into that ridiculous debate.

 

To demand respect for one's dignity is not gender related and has nothing to with this trash you're bringing up for absolutely no reason, but just to lash out at OP; it sounds like you're trying to make a point with something that has nothing to do

with this thread.

 

Your wife committed infidelity because it is what she wanted for herself.

 

Being ALPHA MALE with BRASS BALLS would not have prevented your wife from straying because she wasn't straying - from her perspective - from you, she was straying from HERSELF.

 

So now you have your answer: She probably hasn't even made up her mind, you more or less have told her not to choose. Fine enough. As long as you are happy with that decision. FINE.

 

But recognize there is another side to this issue: She was in love with 2 men? Possibly, what is certain is she WAS IN 2 RELATIONSHIPS. Not choosing was allowing her to do so.

 

My WW was doing the same. Going through life in 2 relationships. It took her 2 hours to say she chose the marriage. But how is that supposed to happen, rationally, if you are in two relationships? It doesn't. Any pressure anyone puts on anyone to decide means the decision is not necessarily a genuine one. So when my WW said she would end her A, I later understood this to mean she choose our M over her A but not for the reasons I was wanting. Panic, seeing that her image was going to be dragged through the mud, thinking about her family, breaking up her marriage... whatever. These are the things that come to mind. You cannot ask someone in 2 relationships to choose 1 and think that player 2 is severed. This was never going to happen. Just as you needed time to recover from finding out your W has done what she has done the WS also needs time to get over the AP. It's just a fact of being in two relationships. Nothing about your WW's story is unique.

 

When you get married you freely take commitments and obligations, beingin 2 relationship is not something you are entitled to, but a blatant disrespect of those commitments. The OP has no obligation to let her be in 2 relationship or to allow her the "time to detach". If he does he substantially tells her that she can disrespect him and the marriage any time and how much she wants.

 

So here you are now with what you feel you can live with. I hope it works out for you. Because it sounded to me like you actually loved your wife - truly loved her. You heard about her A, and it broke you. Understood. I've been there. But then within days of this, you force a decision, and now your wife is a f--king slut? a whore? Really? Had she chosen you, would she be less a whore? less a slut? No one here in LS knows your wife from a hole in the ground but some here seem to think your wife is their WS. That's their problem. Asking your wife to choose is not the problem. Negotiating with her while she hasn't chosen definitely is a problem. This doesn't involve "growing a pair" this is basic self respect. You cannot negotiate with someone who is negotiating with someone else for the same.

 

 

There's nothing to negotiate. She's married to the OP, either she respects her commitments, if the OP is open to take her back, or she leaves the marriage to be with the OM. Negotiating again sends the message that she can have her way with his dignity as long as she wants.

 

Namecalling IS a problem, if he wants her back.

 

 

Frankly,a mother who decides to spend Christmas ****ing the OM instead of being with her kids meets my personal definition of a Skank, but on the other hand, unlike the OP, I wouldn't want such a woman back.

 

I'm hoping you find peace, really, because it seems to me this whole thing escalated rapidly and has really isn't being driven by you at all. It's been driven by anger, resentment, verbal abuse, revenge seeking - all the good characteristics of two adults working out a serious serious issue in their lives.

 

Hey, maybe it is better that the two of you split. But man, if this is the way I chose to do it, I'd wouldn't be asking myself about how my WW had changed, I'd be asking myself about why I decided that becoming somewhat of an arse

 

 

Really?She cheats on him and treats him like ****, after all kinds of psychological abuse he finally calls her a name, and he is an arse? What planet do you come from?

[

- or not behave the way I really am - because some guy on LS brow beat me to grow a pair of brass balls and stake out my neanderthal rights as Alpha male -

 

 

To have your wife NOT cheat on you is no "neanderthal right as an Alpha male". Really are you serious?

 

 

I'd be worried more about me than her. I hope when the dust settles you feel good about how this all went down. That's all.

 

 

You can relax now, the OP has taken hiswife back, as freshly dumped by the OM, no questions asked.

 

 

IDK, may it be that misery likes company?

[jm2013]

Update for those that are following this. It was a hard weekend. She and the OM are through. He was "shocked" that she cheated on him with her own husband. I don't even know what to say to that. She has started to apologize to me in a very sincere way and has asked for forgiveness. We have been talking for the last two days and just hanging out talking. I am one to cut right to the chase and get the issues out into the open. I told her our marriage is dead. She agreed. I told her that we would need to start a new marriage if she really wanted to be with me. (This meant getting a divorce and remarriage) she felt that would be great for her. My point in this v is that if she truly loved me, she wouldn't want the divorce and would ask to just get counselling. Today we talked and she told me that she definitely doesn't want a divorce and she realizes how much she loves me and that she was a fool for what she did. Keep in mind she is a very beautiful woman who could have almost any man. So telling her that she could be free to go to the other man, made it very real for her. She let her heart talk and she said that my passion and fight is what she missed for the last few years and that my renewed fight cleared her fog and she realizes she ****ed up. We are not doing anything but hanging out at this point and seeing the chemistry between us. It has been very strong and grows by the day. For those that say being a hard ass pays off, I will use my experience to show that being determined and passionate can also pay off. This is not some street hooker, she is the mother of my 3 children. This the woman who helped hold me when I almost died and waited on me hand and foot when I was almost paralyzed from a major spinal injury. She has been there for me for 16 years. But, these last few months, she wasn't there and I was to blind to see she needed me. It is a 2 way street in a relationship. I by no means excuse what she did, but I do forgive her. No person is free from imperfections. She has finally seen the light is going to counselling tomorrow and we have decided to make this work or at least try to. Will it work out in the? I feel in my heart that it will. We have agreed to move a really slow pace and see where it takes us. The fact that she hugs me and doesn't let go for an hour shows me signs of the woman I met 17 years ago. She is writing a closure letter to the OM stating her new feelings towards me and ending all contact with him forever. She has deleted all pictures and writings as I have asked her to do. This was her own decision and one that gave me what I needed to grant her a shot at reconciliation. I will post another update down the road and let you know how it is going. I did not use the 180 method, but my method worked in a matter of a few days after she moved out.

 

I think this is pretty fresh for you to have it really sink it what your wife just did to you. She has already claimed victory and it has been what not even a week? Of course she's going to run back to you. She has nowhere else to turn so she turned back to her safety net. My wife did the same thing and probably got dumped by OM as well. Anyways, I think you should feel this out a bit. I doubt you even have the full scope of what went down. You said she's attractive to so now you know she's open to let other men empty their tanks in her as well. Just be on your toes and watch out man. Good luck to you and I hope you find peace.

[insert_name]

Wow, one minute shes Mr Foreclosure's mess...the next Mr Foreclosure doesnt want her because shes a cheat (the irony!) and shes back to being your mess....and you have welcomed her with open arms and are trying to make everything nice for her like it was? I need to ask her what this week's lottery numbers are because this woman can't lose at the moment.

 

Sorry to be so blunt OP, but to the rest of us reading this you are 'Second Choice Steve'. She actually chose him, but he didnt want her. This is a very poor basis for a reconciliation. I feel for you that you have been with her so long as it obviously makes it that much harder to cut her out of your life cleanly, but for short term pain there would be long term gain if only for the self respect you will have when you look in the mirror. That on its own is priceless.

 

As it is you must be very aware yourself of the 180 you have done from talking tough one day to collapsing and letting her back in literally a matter of days. I hope you can reconcile that and make something of this mess, but simply on the basis that she was all set to be by his side if he would have taken her I can't help but feel you are letting yourself down by giving her an opportunity that she has done nothing to earn and will probably use to hurt you at some point in the future.

 

Good luck.

[CarrieT]

She actually chose him, but he didnt want her. This is a very poor basis for a reconciliation.

This is an important thing to read and re-read...

[BlueIris]

Update for those that are following this. It was a hard weekend. She and the OM are through. He was "shocked" that she cheated on him with her own husband. I don't even know what to say to that. She has started to apologize to me in a very sincere way and has asked for forgiveness. We have been talking for the last two days and just hanging out talking. I am one to cut right to the chase and get the issues out into the open. I told her our marriage is dead. She agreed. I told her that we would need to start a new marriage if she really wanted to be with me. (This meant getting a divorce and remarriage) she felt that would be great for her. My point in this v is that if she truly loved me, she wouldn't want the divorce and would ask to just get counselling. Today we talked and she told me that she definitely doesn't want a divorce and she realizes how much she loves me and that she was a fool for what she did. Keep in mind she is a very beautiful woman who could have almost any man. So telling her that she could be free to go to the other man, made it very real for her. She let her heart talk and she said that my passion and fight is what she missed for the last few years and that my renewed fight cleared her fog and she realizes she ****ed up. We are not doing anything but hanging out at this point and seeing the chemistry between us. It has been very strong and grows by the day. For those that say being a hard ass pays off, I will use my experience to show that being determined and passionate can also pay off. This is not some street hooker, she is the mother of my 3 children. This the woman who helped hold me when I almost died and waited on me hand and foot when I was almost paralyzed from a major spinal injury. She has been there for me for 16 years. But, these last few months, she wasn't there and I was to blind to see she needed me. It is a 2 way street in a relationship. I by no means excuse what she did, but I do forgive her. No person is free from imperfections. She has finally seen the light is going to counselling tomorrow and we have decided to make this work or at least try to. Will it work out in the? I feel in my heart that it will. We have agreed to move a really slow pace and see where it takes us. The fact that she hugs me and doesn't let go for an hour shows me signs of the woman I met 17 years ago. She is writing a closure letter to the OM stating her new feelings towards me and ending all contact with him forever. She has deleted all pictures and writings as I have asked her to do. This was her own decision and one that gave me what I needed to grant her a shot at reconciliation. I will post another update down the road and let you know how it is going. I did not use the 180 method, but my method worked in a matter of a few days after she moved out.

 

Good luck. Continue to do what you feel and believe in. I see that as being true to yourself. I don't regret having forgiven anyone or making multiple tries, whether they were successful or not. I did it to be the person I wanted to be regardless of outcome. In the end, that was strengthening and self-affirming- for me at least. I hope it works and this painful period ends.

[Trotters]

Closure letter?

What closure letter?

You do not need no stinkin' closure letters.

 

 

You tell your WW that she is to write a NC, no contact, letter.

 

 

Where in it she writes a brief to the point letter Where she regrets the having the affair, knowing the OM, hurting her BH and family with her poor judgment and actions. That from this point on there is to be NC between them forever.

 

 

Then block the OM's phone and email. And all other ways they contacted each other.

 

 

She should be doing that anyway, not being told to.

[No Limit]

I can't believe you are happy being her plan B. At the very least don't expect her to ever be faithful to you.

If you won't stand up for yourself, no one else will.

[Chi townD]

Update for those that are following this. It was a hard weekend. She and the OM are through. He was "shocked" that she cheated on him with her own husband. I don't even know what to say to that. She has started to apologize to me in a very sincere way and has asked for forgiveness. We have been talking for the last two days and just hanging out talking. I am one to cut right to the chase and get the issues out into the open. I told her our marriage is dead. She agreed. I told her that we would need to start a new marriage if she really wanted to be with me. (This meant getting a divorce and remarriage) she felt that would be great for her. My point in this v is that if she truly loved me, she wouldn't want the divorce and would ask to just get counselling. Today we talked and she told me that she definitely doesn't want a divorce and she realizes how much she loves me and that she was a fool for what she did. Keep in mind she is a very beautiful woman who could have almost any man. So telling her that she could be free to go to the other man, made it very real for her. She let her heart talk and she said that my passion and fight is what she missed for the last few years and that my renewed fight cleared her fog and she realizes she ****ed up. We are not doing anything but hanging out at this point and seeing the chemistry between us. It has been very strong and grows by the day. For those that say being a hard ass pays off, I will use my experience to show that being determined and passionate can also pay off. This is not some street hooker, she is the mother of my 3 children. This the woman who helped hold me when I almost died and waited on me hand and foot when I was almost paralyzed from a major spinal injury. She has been there for me for 16 years. But, these last few months, she wasn't there and I was to blind to see she needed me. It is a 2 way street in a relationship. I by no means excuse what she did, but I do forgive her. No person is free from imperfections. She has finally seen the light is going to counselling tomorrow and we have decided to make this work or at least try to. Will it work out in the? I feel in my heart that it will. We have agreed to move a really slow pace and see where it takes us. The fact that she hugs me and doesn't let go for an hour shows me signs of the woman I met 17 years ago. She is writing a closure letter to the OM stating her new feelings towards me and ending all contact with him forever. She has deleted all pictures and writings as I have asked her to do. This was her own decision and one that gave me what I needed to grant her a shot at reconciliation. I will post another update down the road and let you know how it is going. I did not use the 180 method, but my method worked in a matter of a few days after she moved out.

 

 

Oh give me a break! Dude, don't trust a word she's saying to you right now. She is in major damage control! You even said it yourself!

 

 

She has to pay 1200 for rent. Then, 1000 to you for child support on 3000 a month. But, she was willing to live like this because she probably thought her "white knight" would fix all her problems. But, he dumped her. Now, she's in a crappy apartment with only about 800 dollars to work with for utilities, groceries, gas, phone, cable, car insurance...etc. It leaves her with no disposable income!

Your kids are teenagers and aren't stupid. They know more than what you think and I believe she was starting to catch a cold breeze from them. She started to feel her relationship with her kids fading, she especially felt it after the dude dumped her. She's starting to see how much life was really going to suck and she has absolutely nothing to show for it.

 

 

However, I digress. You know her and I don't. Therefore, you know if she's truly being sincere. If I were you, I would keep my eyes open. This douche rocket isn't done. He's pissed and sooner or later, he's going to cool off and reach out to her again. He's not done. BUT! I wouldn't contact him again. What for? He could give a damn about your marriage and your family, why should he care what you have to say to him?

 

 

BUT! You wrote that he apparently left his wife for yours. Considering that most states have a cooling off period for divorce, I'd bet that he's still technically married. I would find out the name address and phone number of his wife. When (not if but when) he contacts your wife again. I would notify his wife as to what's going on. It wouldn't surprise me that she's clueless to their relationship. He could have left and told her anything but he's leaving her for someone else. Therefore, this poor woman might be beating herself up wondering what SHE did wrong that caused him to leave. She deserves the truth. She has a right to know what truly happened that caused the demise of her marriage. She deserves to know just what kind of man she married.

[harrybrown]

So has she told her family, her children and your family about what she did?

 

She is not a prize, you are looking on the outside and not on the inside. What will happen when she does this again? Get your D and date her for a while.

 

Have her pay child support and see how she messed up. Has she been tested for stds?

 

Has she signed a post nup agreement? Did she use protection? Has she written a timeline of her A? How many more OM's were there?

 

How many times did she meet him and has she decided that you can go on all these vacations by yourself now? How would she feel if you had an A or two?

Would she be fine with that?

 

Do not let her back too early or rugsweep. She need to pay back the money that she spent living alone and on her selfish vacations.

 

I was hoping she would realize about telling your co-workers as well how lousy she treated you.

 

Do not let her back in with ease so she can kill you again and again with her A's. She is not beautiful, look inside and really see what kind of person she is and it is not good. She put you thru hell.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Dude read THIS thread. This is what your wife will be posting in 7 years.

[lolablue17]

If i was her, I'd be ashamed to ask for forgiveness 1 minute after being dumped. It shows not only she is totally dishonest, it shows also she thinks you're a moron.

 

I don't mean you shouldn't have her back. But she must agree to at least 1 year probation, to prove her questionable honesty. In that time she will not be living in the same house, She will be living in her apartment and can sleep in your bedroom only 1-2 times a week, when you allow her... She must show you her phone records when ever you ask her (She musn't delete any SMS or calls), she mustn't contact OM even once in any media, full transparency, and so and so...

 

This is a good test. If she agrees, it's a good sign that she is willing to pay some price for her actions that hurt you so much.

 

If she refuses, it means she is a liar and a cheater and she will always cheat you because she insists having a free pass to cheat with no price to pay... that's what will happen if you'll be the only one who will pay.

Edited February 4, 2015 by lolablue17

[Chi townD]

Another thing to consider why she doesn't want a divorce is because she set herself up with a raw deal. If she ever does this to you again, bet your ass she's going to do things differently. Sell the house, 50/50 split of marital assets, wanting to be the custodial parent...

 

 

So, if you work it out, you need to set up a post- nup Or if you divorce, then remarry, insist on a pre-nup.

[TexasMan68]

This should be interesting...looks like he has convinced himself that he can't do better than a cheating wife. Looking forward to the future update about the next guy he catches her with. Like you said she's beautiful and can get any man she wants. Maybe you should consider being a cuckold in this relationship.