Confronted wife about cheating

[Ralph79]

When my ex-wife left me I had already exhausted the option of turning to friends and family that had supported me through her first betrayal, because I didn't listen to their advice. I only took in what I wanted to hear and ignored the rest. And I interacted with her whenever she pleased at my emotional expense and at the expense of my friends patience. Worse still, I let her back into my life after she begged for forgiveness and I pretended nothing ever happened and I paid the price for it. She left again for good.

 

After finding myself all alone I called my best friend and he said:

 

"Do you want a crying shoulder, or do you want advice? . Because if you want a crying shoulder, go online and spill your heart out, because I've invested countless hours on you trying to make you understand that she will keep treating you like crap, and it's really frustrating that you not only go and do the opposite of what everyone tells you, but you don't even take the time to see how much those that love you also hurt when she hurts you".

 

That was the last time I bothered my friends and family with personal problems unless I was willing to really commit to making a change.

 

 

The OP clearly intended from the start to keep his wife no matter the cost to himself. Look at his threads. His posts. He was very selective in the advice he acknowledged, and ended up ignoring almost every recommendation, from confronting her with evidence, to letting her back with zero effort on her part.

 

He never really came here seeking advice. He needed a shoulder to cry on. I really don't want to condemn or sentence his marriage to failure. I hope that somehow things work out for him and he stops suffering. But he did waste an opportunity to grow and have a tempered soul ready to deal with future hardships. And the reality is most people here that have hands on experience on these matters know what usually comes next.

 

To the OP:

 

Understand that the people replying negatively to your actions are doing so because they have endured similar betrayals and were giving you advice from the bottom of their heart. Advice on lessons they learned through pain and tears. The same ones you experienced for weeks, some experienced for years.

 

I hope you never find a reason to return to these boards other than to say life is great. But if you find yourself needing help, don't be ashamed to ask. We've all made mistakes.

 

The the rest:

 

Cut the guy some slack. We've all been innocent and naive at some point. If things do fall apart, give him some cushion to fall on. "I told you so's" really don't do anyone any good.

[agoodperson]

When my ex-wife left me I had already exhausted the option of turning to friends and family that had supported me through her first betrayal, because I didn't listen to their advice. I only took in what I wanted to hear and ignored the rest. And I interacted with her whenever she pleased at my emotional expense and at the expense of my friends patience. Worse still, I let her back into my life after she begged for forgiveness and I pretended nothing ever happened and I paid the price for it. She left again for good.

 

After finding myself all alone I called my best friend and he said:

 

"Do you want a crying shoulder, or do you want advice? . Because if you want a crying shoulder, go online and spill your heart out, because I've invested countless hours on you trying to make you understand that she will keep treating you like crap, and it's really frustrating that you not only go and do the opposite of what everyone tells you, but you don't even take the time to see how much those that love you also hurt when she hurts you".

 

That was the last time I bothered my friends and family with personal problems unless I was willing to really commit to making a change.

 

 

The OP clearly intended from the start to keep his wife no matter the cost to himself. Look at his threads. His posts. He was very selective in the advice he acknowledged, and ended up ignoring almost every recommendation, from confronting her with evidence, to letting her back with zero effort on her part.

 

He never really came here seeking advice. He needed a shoulder to cry on. I really don't want to condemn or sentence his marriage to failure. I hope that somehow things work out for him and he stops suffering. But he did waste an opportunity to grow and have a tempered soul ready to deal with future hardships. And the reality is most people here that have hands on experience on these matters know what usually comes next.

 

To the OP:

 

Understand that the people replying negatively to your actions are doing so because they have endured similar betrayals and were giving you advice from the bottom of their heart. Advice on lessons they learned through pain and tears. The same ones you experienced for weeks, some experienced for years.

 

I hope you never find a reason to return to these boards other than to say life is great. But if you find yourself needing help, don't be ashamed to ask. We've all made mistakes.

 

The the rest:

 

Cut the guy some slack. We've all been innocent and naive at some point. If things do fall apart, give him some cushion to fall on. "I told you so's" really don't do anyone any good.

 

I appreciate the honesty. Let me start by saying thank you to every single poster. It helped me and is still helping me deal with a very stressful and life changing event. I see that most posts tell me to kick her to the curb and move on. Thank you for the advice. I see a very few say to give the marriage another shot. Thank you as well. Here is where I am at in this whole thing.

 

I do believe that most people on her leave their significant other over time and that the odds are against me as well. What I do know is that I am willing to give it another try. (And yes, it would be a last try) I have healed from the damage done initially, but it will take time to rebuild my trust. As for her, she is just like the girl I met almost 20 years ago again. Someone I have not seen in a decade. What she did was inexcusable, but not unforgivable. She is is not just given a free pass as most on her think I am doing. She is not allowed back to the family home while we start the new relationship. She has to get therapy, which she is doing. She has to pray for forgiveness, which she does nightly. She needs to show me that she is truly sorry for here actions and the damage it caused the family, which she is showing us. She will need to marry me again in the eyes of the church to start a new life together because I told her the first marriage is dead. If she finds that she does not want any of this, then we both agreed to part ways amicably. No yelling...no screaming...just real communication like we haven't had in years.

 

Say what you will, but I do feel in charge of this relationship and my own well-being. We have connected on a level not felt in many years. Am I hurt and a bit distrustful? Well of course. But am I blindly taking her back like all is well? Absolutely not. And of course I came here for support and advice, but not a lecture. Since day 1, I have been confused and hurt. At no point in my life have I ever felt such pain. It was blinding and extreme. But even then, I wanted to save my family. Am I there yet? No...but I feel that WE are on the way. If it doesn't work out, I will be very sad, but not as bad as the initial shock and awe I experienced. It would seem to me that many posters are waiting for the I told you point in this story. You just may get it down the road. Based on what I read, that seems to be the logical conclusion. But, I have also read a few stories of true reconciliation that stood the test of time. These stories are much more rare. But we are both aware of what needs to be done, and as of now, we are both taking concrete steps to repair the damage that has been done. Only time will tell if we are meant for a life together. Thank you for your thoughts and please keep my family in your prayers.

Edited February 7, 2015 by agoodperson

[agoodperson]

One person cannot save a marriage. Your wife was out banging another guy, she is not wife material. I know it sucks, but you need to get away from that woman. Your dignity will thank you.

 

Nice. Once again thank you for the opinion. I do agree with the point that 1 person does not save a marriage. But we are now BOTH fighting to save this marriage AND family. She ****ed up and is now paying the price for that. I could easily walk away forever, which would be an easy thing to do. But I am willing to work at this and more importantly, she is as well. Time heals all wounds, so I know I will be alright. As for US, we will see. But I can tell you that I will not live with regret no matter how this fares over the long run.

[Biere123]

The OM will come back, just a matter of time. Your wife is not 100% committed to you when her heart is elsewhere, and that is unfortunate, but it's reality. She came running back temporarily because the OM is upset. Once the anger subsides, he will pursue her again.

[Ralph79]

I will not live with regret no matter how this fares over the long run.

 

I used to say the same thing. All I can tell you is, that remains to be seen.

 

I'll be honest. I have 100 eye-opening messages I want to tell you. I find it incredible that you have repeated my steps almost to a T. I wanted to spare you my fate. Just as every other poster here sharing their opinions with you.

 

But we both know that you have made a choice. I will keep my opinions about your marriage to myself from this point on because they will do your immediate goal no good.

 

Instead I'll point you to this thread

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/514244-recalcitrant-wss

 

If you've opted to forgive her, don't ever use her affair as a counter-response. Don't rub this in her face whenever she slips up. Work on you.

[aliveagain]

You and your wife are still some form of a couple and only the two of you can decide what direction your relationship takes. You now have new information about who your wife really is and she has proven without a shadow of a doubt what she is more than willing to do if the right opportunity presents itself. You are paying dearly for that information and so is O/M, he left his wife for your wife based on what she lead him to believe. Don't be so generous with the forgiveness because forgiveness is earned and should never be given because it's expected.

 

There is no right or wrong decision when it comes to adultery, sorry, doing nothing is the only wrong decision, deciding on a path is a right decision. What everyone is really telling you is be careful, after all she bet on O/M and he dumped her for cheating on him with you, feels really fu^ked just writing that. How can someone change so quickly when her heart was his just days ago. Please talk to a lawyer about a post nuptial agreement that gives her a huge financial penalty if you divorce because of a new infidelity. Your wife appears to be the aggressor and the very center of this infidelity hub, protect yourself.

[oldshirt]

I appreciate the honesty. Let me start by saying thank you to every single poster. It helped me and is still helping me deal with a very stressful and life changing event. I see that most posts tell me to kick her to the curb and move on. Thank you for the advice. I see a very few say to give the marriage another shot. Thank you as well. Here is where I am at in this whole thing.

 

I do believe that most people on her leave their significant other over time and that the odds are against me as well. What I do know is that I am willing to give it another try. (And yes, it would be a last try) I have healed from the damage done initially, but it will take time to rebuild my trust. As for her, she is just like the girl I met almost 20 years ago again. Someone I have not seen in a decade. What she did was inexcusable, but not unforgivable. She is is not just given a free pass as most on her think I am doing. She is not allowed back to the family home while we start the new relationship. She has to get therapy, which she is doing. She has to pray for forgiveness, which she does nightly. She needs to show me that she is truly sorry for here actions and the damage it caused the family, which she is showing us. She will need to marry me again in the eyes of the church to start a new life together because I told her the first marriage is dead. If she finds that she does not want any of this, then we both agreed to part ways amicably. No yelling...no screaming...just real communication like we haven't had in years.

 

Say what you will, but I do feel in charge of this relationship and my own well-being. We have connected on a level not felt in many years. Am I hurt and a bit distrustful? Well of course. But am I blindly taking her back like all is well? Absolutely not. And of course I came here for support and advice, but not a lecture. Since day 1, I have been confused and hurt. At no point in my life have I ever felt such pain. It was blinding and extreme. But even then, I wanted to save my family. Am I there yet? No...but I feel that WE are on the way. If it doesn't work out, I will be very sad, but not as bad as the initial shock and awe I experienced. It would seem to me that many posters are waiting for the I told you point in this story. You just may get it down the road. Based on what I read, that seems to be the logical conclusion. But, I have also read a few stories of true reconciliation that stood the test of time. These stories are much more rare. But we are both aware of what needs to be done, and as of now, we are both taking concrete steps to repair the damage that has been done. Only time will tell if we are meant for a life together. Thank you for your thoughts and please keep my family in your prayers.

 

 

 

That is your path to walk and your call to make. We aren't in your shoes and can not make your decisions nor can we truly know all of the ins and outs of your situation. That is your decision to make and it shall be you that either reaps the rewards or suffers the consequences of your actions.

 

 

My recommendation is to do what you think is best for you but do it from a position of strength and preparedness.

 

 

As an example, even though I talk gruff here, I am actually a very laid back, pleasant person. I never stir up trouble, I smile and say hi to people. I hold doors for both men and women when I am walking into or out of buildings, I don't fight for parking spaces or honk my horn and flip people off if they dart into a space right in front of me and I freguently just roll eyes and walk away if someone is just being an obnoxious dick.

 

 

...but, I have permit, I carry a gun, I train with it regularly and I have no moral or ethical conflicts about using it if someone is being aggressive and endangering me, my family or an innocent 3rd party.

 

 

I can afford to be nice and pleasant and cooperative and walk away from trouble if allowed, because I know I can defend myself and be the last man standing if someone poses an actual threat. I can be nice but I don't have to capitulate and acquiesce to aggression or be pushed around and manipulated because I have the ways and means to defend myself and be the last man standing.

 

 

You need to take that approach and philosophy and be prepared for and have the actual teeth to impose your position when push comes to shove.

 

 

Right now you are capitulating and acquiescing because she is in the position of power and you feel capitulation and surrender are your only means of survival.

 

 

I urge you gather real strength and get yourself into a real position of advantage to that you can make that informed and truly consensual choice of whether to reconcile or not.

 

 

By that I mean

 

 

-get a lawyer and draw up a divorce plan that is to your advantage and have the papers drawn up to where you could file with a matter of hours notice if you had to.

 

 

- get your financial instruments and property in your name and protected from anyone else.

 

 

- get a life with friends and interests and passions and hobbies etc that are completely separate from her so that her walking out or you catching her in bed with OM won't interfere with your Poker Night with your buddies or T-time with your golf mates.

 

 

- harden your heart to her so that if she misbehaves you can walk away, or you come home and find her gone, you won't be harmed.

 

 

- Get yourself as fit, well dressed, styled and attractive as possible so that you have the ability and confidence to replace her at any time if she doesn't cut the mustard.

 

 

- have an alternate life-plan that does not include her. If you have that plan, then you won't hesitate to pull the ejection handle if she mistreats you, nor will you need to try to cling onto her when she leaves or goes man to OM.

 

 

When you have achieved all of those things, then reconciliation becomes an actual choice and not just a desperate grab in the dark at survival.

 

 

You are desperately grabbing in the dark right now hoping to cling on to your previous life.

 

 

Go ahead and let her stay and try to work things out, but at least be working towards the things I stated above to give yourself the ways and means to defend yourself and be in charge of your own life and flourish on your own if things go south.

 

 

Right now you are putting all your eggs in her basket and praying that she holds up her end of the bargain and she has already proven she is untrustworthy.

 

 

At least be working on building up a good strong basket of your own and start taking your eggs back from her before she drops and breaks them all.

[Darren Steez]

Nice. Once again thank you for the opinion. I do agree with the point that 1 person does not save a marriage. But we are now BOTH fighting to save this marriage AND family. She ****ed up and is now paying the price for that. I could easily walk away forever, which would be an easy thing to do. But I am willing to work at this and more importantly, she is as well. Time heals all wounds, so I know I will be alright. As for US, we will see. But I can tell you that I will not live with regret no matter how this fares over the long run.

 

I think you'll find walking away is the hardest thing to do..which is why most people stay because they have little self esteem and can't make that hard choice.

[oldshirt]

 

 

- have an alternate life-plan that does not include her. If you have that plan, then you won't hesitate to pull the ejection handle if she mistreats you, nor will you need to try to cling onto her when she leaves or goes man to OM.

 

.

 

 

 

All of us posters are coming from a place of personal experience. This above is from my personal experience from before I found LoveShack.

 

 

My wife and I were in MC (not from infidelity, but were on the edge of the Great Abyss) and when I kind of inadvertently let on about my life-plan with her, the counselor got all up in my wife's sht, and got very frank with her that she needed to get her head out of her ass and get her head in the game ASAP because I had a very real, workable and sound plan for living a life that did not include her and if she wanted to be married to me, she needed to unfck herself and get with the program or she truly would be left along the side of the road while I went on to live a full life without her.

 

 

Now to be fair, he got into my sht about a number of things too that I needed to do or not do as well, but that was the tipping point with both the counselor and my wife where they both saw the light and knew that I was serious and knew that things were going to change one way or the other.

 

 

That's my personal firsthand experience that I am relating. Others have been there/done that on the other things that they are emphasizing.

[oldshirt]

 

 

I urge you gather real strength and get yourself into a real position of advantage to that you can make that informed and truly consensual choice of whether to reconcile or not.

 

 

By that I mean

 

 

-get a lawyer and draw up a divorce plan that is to your advantage and have the papers drawn up to where you could file with a matter of hours notice if you had to.

 

 

- get your financial instruments and property in your name and protected from anyone else.

 

 

- get a life with friends and interests and passions and hobbies etc that are completely separate from her so that her walking out or you catching her in bed with OM won't interfere with your Poker Night with your buddies or T-time with your golf mates.

 

 

- harden your heart to her so that if she misbehaves you can walk away, or you come home and find her gone, you won't be harmed.

 

 

- Get yourself as fit, well dressed, styled and attractive as possible so that you have the ability and confidence to replace her at any time if she doesn't cut the mustard.

 

 

- have an alternate life-plan that does not include her. If you have that plan, then you won't hesitate to pull the ejection handle if she mistreats you, nor will you need to try to cling onto her when she leaves or goes man to OM.

 

 

When you have achieved all of those things, then reconciliation becomes an actual choice and not just a desperate grab in the dark at survival.

 

 

 

 

 

This is my core message. I am just quoting it again so it doesn't get lost in all the other blah blah blah.

 

 

You can only truly negotiate and reconcile when you are in the position of self-determination.

 

 

Think of it like hostage negotiations. Hostage negotiators only negotiate and do any kind of give-and-take once all the entrances and windows are covered, there are snipers covering every window and door, the SWAT team is ready to storm the building and they are ready to cut the power to building.

 

 

Only then do they negotiate and make any deals. Anything up until that point is just asking someone to behave nicely. ...and that person has already proven they aren't nice and are perfectly capable and willing to stab you in the back.

 

 

Get your snipers on all the windows. Get your SWAT team in position ready to storm the building and get the power company ready to cut the power in a moments notice so the entry team can start lobbing in tear gas.

 

 

Once you have all those things in place, then you can start negotiating terms of reconciliation.

[WomenWubber]

OP, did you expose the affair?

 

There cannot be true reconciliation without exposing the affair to friends and family (yours, your wife and the OM).

[sidney2718]

The OM will come back, just a matter of time. Your wife is not 100% committed to you when her heart is elsewhere, and that is unfortunate, but it's reality. She came running back temporarily because the OM is upset. Once the anger subsides, he will pursue her again.

 

I suspect that you don't KNOW these things, but simply suspect that they are true.

 

The OP is aware of this possibility. He has said so. He is also aware that he is taking a major chance in attempting to work on their relationship. It is not technically a reconciliation since they will divorce. The question is, will they remarry.

 

The one person the OP has to live with the rest of his life is himself. He needs to do what he thinks best, even if we don't agree. The odds of a good outcome are not great. He may not remarry and have regrets the rest of his life. Or he may remarry and have regrets the rest of his life.

 

Our job is to provide him with advice based on our experience. Beyond that we do not need to bully him or lecture him. In the end I know that all of us wish him luck.

[sidney2718]

OP, did you expose the affair?

 

There cannot be true reconciliation without exposing the affair to friends and family (yours, your wife and the OM).

 

I don't agree. Exposure can work wonders. It can also cause enormous damage. The OP should expose if and only if HE gets an advantage from it. Labelling his wife a wh0re (which is the result of exposure) won't help them reconcile, so I don't see an advantage for him.

[Radu]

1000% what oldshirt said.

[TrustedthenBusted]

OP, did you expose the affair?

 

There cannot be true reconciliation without exposing the affair to friends and family (yours, your wife and the OM).

 

Strongly disagree.

[WomenWubber]

I don't agree. Exposure can work wonders. It can also cause enormous damage. The OP should expose if and only if HE gets an advantage from it. Labelling his wife a wh0re (which is the result of exposure) won't help them reconcile, so I don't see an advantage for him.

 

Nope, I never said anything about labelling the wife a whore. It's about making the wayward see the reality of her actions.

 

It's not a sure way to RL, but it's the most reliable method there is. If it doesn't work, then that means the WW was too deep in the fog the make the marriage work anyway.

 

 

Strongly disagree.

 

Fair enough.

Edited February 8, 2015 by WomenWubber

[carhill]

OP, doing a quick scan here for tone, a question often used by a member who did reconcile with his wayward wife and remains reconciled AFAIK came to mind:

 

What was the condition of the foundation of your marriage prior to your wife's affair?

 

If you want to read the member's postings, search member 'Owl'. I think you'll find their insight helpful.

 

My quick read is that this was likely an exit affair gone sideways. If I'm wrong, and it was only a fling, and you had a good marital foundation, the chances of reconciling, or remarrying, are good. If it was an exit affair, less good; if it was an exit affair and the foundation was shaky, I wouldn't bother with the reconciliation pathway.

 

About the only thing regarding disclosure to third parties which concerns me is the propensity for 'spin'. Depending upon how convincing a social hack can be constructed and how believable the person is, one can markedly influence others and cause real personal, business or physical injury. Be careful of that. It can be actionable. OTOH, simply sharing evidence, like pictures or videos of the OM and wife kissing, etc, without commentary, is defensible, as it is verifiable truth. Anything which is not verifiable is unverified and suspect. Learned that from MW's and how they spun their M's, probably not dissimilar from how your wife spun your M to her OM. IMO, work the M and keep the M's business in the M, especially if you want to reconcile. If you need to vent, do it to a counselor or third party disinterested professional. Or here, anonymously.

 

Check out that poster I mentioned, Owl. I think you'll find it helpful. I did.

[sandylee1]

Good luck with your reconciliation. I hope it goes well and that you remain on your guard. I understand not wanting the family torn apart. I'm not sure if you are in IC, but I think it would be helpful for you.

 

It will enable you to work through things and find inner strength.

 

Take care and know that nobody wants to gloat further down the line. We care.

[harrybrown]

I do hope that she will be honest with you.

 

Has she stopped all of her A"s?

 

Is she transparent now? Is she showing love for only you?

 

I hope she will at least be honest with you.

[Spectre]

Strongly disagree.

 

Meh, I feel if someone cheats and then wants their spouse to take them back exposure is something they have to put up with.

[sidney2718]

Meh, I feel if someone cheats and then wants their spouse to take them back exposure is something they have to put up with.

 

And if exposure makes it harder for the spouse to take them back, of what use is it?

[Ralph79]

Meh, I feel if someone cheats and then wants their spouse to take them back exposure is something they have to put up with.

 

And if exposure makes it harder for the spouse to take them back, of what use is it?

 

I think that if someone cheats and the BS wants the cheater back, then THEY have to put up with everything. That's what the OP chose.

[road]

And if exposure makes it harder for the spouse to take them back, of what use is it?

 

 

 

Time has shown that when a WW escapes having consequences from her affair she usually restarts it or later on finds a new OM and has another PA.

 

 

So your logic better to make it easy for the WW to cheat again instead of getting divorced and not being cheated second time by WW.

[autumnnight]

Time has shown that when a WW escapes having consequences from her affair she usually restarts it or later on finds a new OM and has another PA.

 

 

So your logic better to make it easy for the WW to cheat again instead of getting divorced and not being cheated second time by WW.

 

Not to mention the rule book says you have to...to all family, all friend, the entire facebook list, and everyone at work.

 

Otherwise you did it wrong.

[oldshirt]

Disclosure is not something that is randomly done all half-cocked and vengeful to stick it to the WS just because the BS feels slighted and wants justice and revenge.

 

 

Disclosure needs to be methodical and with a defined purpose depending on your own objectives and the current state of the situation.

 

 

Upon discovery of A - disclose to AP's partner. This destabilizes the AP and puts him/her on the defensive to put out the fire in their house. 9 times out of 10 the AP with throw the WS under the bus and end the A right then and there. If they don't end the A, it can also cause the AP to put undue pressure on the WS causing them to destabilize and break the affair fog.

 

 

And from a moral and ethical standpoint, the AP's partner simply has a need to know.

 

 

Whether the BS should inform their own family and friends depends in large part on if reconciliation is on the table or not. Generally speaking if the couple is going to make an honest attempt at reconciliation, it is often better if the BS does not inform their own family initially because the BS's family will often retaliate to one degree or another or in one form or another against the WS making the reconciliation more complex and difficult. even if a reconciliation is secured, the BS's family will never treat the WS the same again and can cause more long term conflict.

 

 

If the BS is 100% decided on NOT attempting reconciliation, then they will need to disclose to their family why the marriage is dissolving and why they are not attempting R.

 

 

If R is being attempted, then the BS can at times seek support of the marriage from the WS's family depending on supportive they believe the WS's family will be of the marriage. this is a dicey at best proposition and they need to realize that the WS's family may support the marriage and more support R, but they are always going to support the WS if push comes to shove.

 

 

If the R is not going to be attempted then, the BS has the right to disclose to WS's family the real reason of the dissolution of the marriage and provide whatever supporting evidence that they have to show that they are not the offending party. Again this should be done with the knowledge that the family is ultimately going to stand behind the WS.

 

 

And all of this assumes that the disclosure is simply and informational exchange to inform people of why there is a major change of lifestyle (ie selling the house, moving out, getting a divorce etc) Disclosure should never be about slandering or harming or blacklisting any individual. It's simply informing those with a need to know why the marriage is dissolving and custodial arrangements are being made and a for sale sign is in front of the marital home.

Edited February 9, 2015 by oldshirt