Confronted wife about cheating

[lolablue17]

Good luck!

 

I hope you took the right decision.

[HurtOfGlass]

Whether the BS should inform their own family and friends depends in large part on if reconciliation is on the table or not. Generally speaking if the couple is going to make an honest attempt at reconciliation, it is often better if the BS does not inform their own family initially because the BS's family will often retaliate to one degree or another or in one form or another against the WS making the reconciliation more complex and difficult. even if a reconciliation is secured, the BS's family will never treat the WS the same again and can cause more long term conflict.

 

I more or less agree with you points but this:

 

What if the BS needs to talk about this to somebody in their time of anguish and gain some perspective, because they are emotionally all over the place? They don't have anybody to talk other than family members. So why should not they reach out to them for help? The BS may not have decided on reconciliation but still have a need to talk about the betrayal. Then what should be done?

[autumnnight]

Disclosure is not something that is randomly done all half-cocked and vengeful to stick it to the WS just because the BS feels slighted and wants justice and revenge.

 

 

Disclosure needs to be methodical and with a defined purpose depending on your own objectives and the current state of the situation.

 

 

Upon discovery of A - disclose to AP's partner. This destabilizes the AP and puts him/her on the defensive to put out the fire in their house. 9 times out of 10 the AP with throw the WS under the bus and end the A right then and there. If they don't end the A, it can also cause the AP to put undue pressure on the WS causing them to destabilize and break the affair fog.

 

 

And from a moral and ethical standpoint, the AP's partner simply has a need to know.

 

 

Whether the BS should inform their own family and friends depends in large part on if reconciliation is on the table or not. Generally speaking if the couple is going to make an honest attempt at reconciliation, it is often better if the BS does not inform their own family initially because the BS's family will often retaliate to one degree or another or in one form or another against the WS making the reconciliation more complex and difficult. even if a reconciliation is secured, the BS's family will never treat the WS the same again and can cause more long term conflict.

 

 

If the BS is 100% decided on NOT attempting reconciliation, then they will need to disclose to their family why the marriage is dissolving and why they are not attempting R.

 

 

If R is being attempted, then the BS can at times seek support of the marriage from the WS's family depending on supportive they believe the WS's family will be of the marriage. this is a dicey at best proposition and they need to realize that the WS's family may support the marriage and more support R, but they are always going to support the WS if push comes to shove.

 

 

If the R is not going to be attempted then, the BS has the right to disclose to WS's family the real reason of the dissolution of the marriage and provide whatever supporting evidence that they have to show that they are not the offending party. Again this should be done with the knowledge that the family is ultimately going to stand behind the WS.

 

 

And all of this assumes that the disclosure is simply and informational exchange to inform people of why there is a major change of lifestyle (ie selling the house, moving out, getting a divorce etc) Disclosure should never be about slandering or harming or blacklisting any individual. It's simply informing those with a need to know why the marriage is dissolving and custodial arrangements are being made and a for sale sign is in front of the marital home.

 

Now now, old shirt. You're muddying the waters by being rational. Stop that!

[BlueIris]

It's very possible. My mom had an affair when she was about 38. My dad gave her an ultimatum and she lived up to it. They’re still married, now for 63 years. It happens. My dad isn’t weak or lacking self-esteem. He’s quite a positive successful man. I don’t know how many couples who survive and overcome affairs post here. Maybe they’re less inclined to.

 

Good luck, OP. I hope you and your wife overcome this.

[aliveagain]

agoodperson, there are only two ways out of infidelity. The first is committed reconciliation by both husband and wife, the second is divorce. Each path is a right decision but it is up to you to decide the path your willing to pursue. Telling the other betrayed spouse is the right thing to do, she should have the same right as you to decide the fate of her marriage. You now have new information as to who your really married to, it would be foolish to not use that information to protect yourself and your children. Even if reconciliation proves to be the wrong choice in the long term you can still decide to divorce.

[oldshirt]

I more or less agree with you points but this:

 

What if the BS needs to talk about this to somebody in their time of anguish and gain some perspective, because they are emotionally all over the place? They don't have anybody to talk other than family members. So why should not they reach out to them for help? The BS may not have decided on reconciliation but still have a need to talk about the betrayal. Then what should be done?

 

Counselors, clergy, therapists, life coaches, drinking buddies at the bar.

 

Even old friends of the BS that are not friends of the spouse or necessarily friends of the marriage per se.

 

What I am mostly referring too is immediate family and close friends that are somehow invested in the marriage to one degree or another.

 

 

People have friends and buddies that are not particularly invested in the marriage to any degree.

 

As an example I have work buddies that lend me an ear and give me a shoulder to cry on and would even offer up sound advice if I was in such a situation, but they really couldn't care less if I stayed with her or divorced. They really don't have a dog in that fight.

 

But I have other friends and relatives that would hold grudge and never treat her the same again.

 

That's what I was getting at.

[Chi townD]

agoodperson, No one is trying to purposely lecture you. If you want to work on your marriage, that's fine, great actually! But, people are still going to try to give you advice on how to continue to safe guard yourself.

 

 

Things you need to look out for if you're going to try and reconcile. For instance, I truly believe that the OM isn't out of the picture yet. He's pissed at the moment, but after he's had time to cool off, he'll probably try and reestablish contact with your WW. What are you going to do then?

 

 

What boundaries and rules have you set up? What about your marriage counseling? Living arraignments? All things you have to consider and people are going to throw there two cents in. And it's NOT to mess up what your trying to fix and cause more drama. It's to protect you from any further pain.

 

 

So, there's one thing you need to learn about this site. Pick and choose the advice that you think is beneficial to your current situation and leave the rest.

 

 

Hang in there dude!

[BlueIris]

Living arraignments?

 

Excellent typo or auto-correct!

[Chi townD]

Excellent typo or auto-correct!

 

 

HAHA! Opps! Didn't catch that! I'm a scientist, not an English Professor! Speller's of the world! UNTIE!!!!!!

[TrustedthenBusted]

Meh, I feel if someone cheats and then wants their spouse to take them back exposure is something they have to put up with.

 

I think it's a very calculated risk. We only ever told one person, and have deeply regretted it ever since. I'm glad I didn't multiply that problem exponentially by telling everyone else.

 

I think a truly remorseful WS has enough to put up with already, and I don't feel I need the support I'd get.

 

Granted, this is how I feel 5 years later.

[HurtOfGlass]

Counselors, clergy, therapists, life coaches

 

Ok, so a BS who is emotionally all over the place should have his/her logic intact to immediately go to a counselor or therapist. Got it!

 

drinking buddies at the bar. work buddies

 

yeah, random people are more trustworthy than family. Great!

[oldshirt]

Counselors, clergy, therapists, life coaches

 

Ok, so a BS who is emotionally all over the place should have his/her logic intact to immediately go to a counselor or therapist. Got it!

 

drinking buddies at the bar. work buddies

 

yeah, random people are more trustworthy than family. Great!

 

We are random strangers on the internet. Are we more or less trustworthy than family?????

 

 

 

Family often has some kind of vested interest, an agenda of their own or at least a dog in the fight somehow. Sometimes a disinterested 3rd party who has no stake in the outcome is appropriate.

 

My point in not immediately exposing the affair to the BS's family is they can actually make reconciliation more complicated and more difficult as they may have an ax to grind with the WS and that ax to grind may never go away even if the couple does Reconcile.

 

All I am saying is recommending disclosure be methodical, thought out and for a specified purpose and not just letting it all out to everyone just because someone feels slighted by their WS and want retribution.

[agoodperson]

Update. For those that lent me their help, here is an update. I am about 6 weeks into this seperation. As of now, she is at the apartment and I am at the house. We are both getting marriage counseling. We have started "dating" for the last 2 weeks in order to see if we can reignite that spark. (I can honestly say that the distance apart actually has for the both of us. She has been working very hard to try to earn my trust back. I have been working very hard to work through the pain of this affair. I can say that we both have made progress in these missions. Are we out of the woods? I would say that I believe we are. Could the OM show up in a phone call or text? Yep, but I have had that discussion with her. I even offered to allow her the relationship with my blessing. I explained that I would let her live in peace and grant her the divorce without a fuss and then she could have this relationship that she though she was going to have. She flatly denied the offer. She told me that she messed up and that what she wanted was right in front of her the whole time, she was just to blind to see it. We have been working daily on this relationship and we both are having feelings that we have not had in years. So at this point, we are going to spend our first night together for valentine's day. My family is watching the kids. This is the logical next step to seeing if a long term reconciliation is in the cards. We have spent every day together and I am seeing more and more of the girl I met so many years ago. Affection such as hand holding, laughing, and hugs are given out with sincerity. There are still moments of pain for both of us, but that is to be expected. These moments last a much briefer time as we continue to heal from this experience. My advice to those facing the same situation is to give your spouse space and do a reset on your relationship. If it is meant to be, it is meant be. If not, so be it and you will not have to live with a life of regret. I did not give up on the woman I love. We have 17 years of marriage and friendship that I thought was worth trying to save. As of now, it looks like WE did exactly that.

 

A little side note for those that may be going through the same experience. I asked her what made her have a change of heart from her affair ways. She said that when I fought for her to the extent that I did and the OM was afraid to do anything about it, it awoke a passion for me. We talked at great lengths about the whole thing. What we found was that i did nothing and let her go, that the other man was saying everything she wanted to hear for to go through with it. In other words, if I would of did the 180, she and I would be no more. She would be divorced. It was because I showed what a real man will do for his girl that opened her eyes to what she actually wanted. My actions spoke louder than his words. And this may be an isolated case, but I believe that you need to do what your heart tells you to do. Am I all clear? Nope, but we are definitely going in the right direction. The kids are extremely happy and things between us are actually better than they have been in many years. (On a real affection level) Hope this helps someone...I know it helps me. Thank you for listening and the advice.

Edited February 14, 2015 by agoodperson

[Trotters]

"It was because I showed what a real man will do for his girl that opened her eyes to what she actually wanted."

 

 

Which was what?. Fighting for her or going NC???.

[beach]

So you think fighting to have her back makes her want to cheat less in the future? I can't see that.

 

Six weeks isn't nearly long enough for any person to sift through infidelity with a professional to help and make real changes. I hope you understand you're just barely getting started.what real issues have you two addressed, talked honestly about and worked through?

 

Change is necessary or you're still dealing with the liar and the cheater who will cover up better/more.

 

I just get the feeling you two are rug sweeping instead of facing the real issues with honesty.

 

What has she done to show she won't just act on temptation again, next time?

[Ralph79]

I'm not going to say if what you are doing is right or wrong. I think I speak for most posters when I say Thank You for being grateful enough to let us know what became of you.

 

A few observations for your protection and to help you remain objective:

 

I asked her what made her have a change of heart from her affair ways. She said that when I fought for her to the extent that I did and the OM was afraid to do anything about it, it awoke a passion for me.

 

That part, was unnecessary. The fact that she implied or that you think this, is a big red flag to me.

 

if I would of did the 180, she and I would be no more..

 

Based on what you just shared with us I think a more accurate statement would be: If he lifted a finger and took action, your current actions, the 180, praying and voodoo wouldn't have made a difference.

 

It's great that things are looking great for you, I just hope you're not threading on thin ice because your wife didn't give you a more solid answer to build upon.

 

My actions spoke louder than his words.

What if HE takes action tomorrow? What's to stop him from doing so in the future?

 

Just keep in mind, she changed the moment you confronted her with evidence. Your previous attempts are fighting for her were completely ineffective. Never forget that. You have a long list of posts you personally wrote here attesting to that.

[sandylee1]

Thanks for the update and I'm glad things are going well for you. Your wife is lucky to have such a forgiving husband.

 

Asides from the reasons she has given for coming back to you, I think it's also important to deal with why she had the affair in the first place.

 

Once again I'm glad things are going well for you both.

Edited February 14, 2015 by sandylee1
typo

[james1989]

Update. For those that lent me their help, here is an update. I am about 6 weeks into this seperation. As of now, she is at the apartment and I am at the house. We are both getting marriage counseling. We have started "dating" for the last 2 weeks in order to see if we can reignite that spark. (I can honestly say that the distance apart actually has for the both of us. She has been working very hard to try to earn my trust back. I have been working very hard to work through the pain of this affair. I can say that we both have made progress in these missions. Are we out of the woods? I would say that I believe we are. Could the OM show up in a phone call or text? Yep, but I have had that discussion with her. I even offered to allow her the relationship with my blessing. I explained that I would let her live in peace and grant her the divorce without a fuss and then she could have this relationship that she though she was going to have. She flatly denied the offer. She told me that she messed up and that what she wanted was right in front of her the whole time, she was just to blind to see it. We have been working daily on this relationship and we both are having feelings that we have not had in years. So at this point, we are going to spend our first night together for valentine's day. My family is watching the kids. This is the logical next step to seeing if a long term reconciliation is in the cards. We have spent every day together and I am seeing more and more of the girl I met so many years ago. Affection such as hand holding, laughing, and hugs are given out with sincerity. There are still moments of pain for both of us, but that is to be expected. These moments last a much briefer time as we continue to heal from this experience. My advice to those facing the same situation is to give your spouse space and do a reset on your relationship. If it is meant to be, it is meant be. If not, so be it and you will not have to live with a life of regret. I did not give up on the woman I love. We have 17 years of marriage and friendship that I thought was worth trying to save. As of now, it looks like WE did exactly that.

 

A little side note for those that may be going through the same experience. I asked her what made her have a change of heart from her affair ways. She said that when I fought for her to the extent that I did and the OM was afraid to do anything about it, it awoke a passion for me. We talked at great lengths about the whole thing. What we found was that i did nothing and let her go, that the other man was saying everything she wanted to hear for to go through with it. In other words, if I would of did the 180, she and I would be no more. She would be divorced. It was because I showed what a real man will do for his girl that opened her eyes to what she actually wanted. My actions spoke louder than his words. And this may be an isolated case, but I believe that you need to do what your heart tells you to do. Am I all clear? Nope, but we are definitely going in the right direction. The kids are extremely happy and things between us are actually better than they have been in many years. (On a real affection level) Hope this helps someone...I know it helps me. Thank you for listening and the advice.

 

Didnt you say on februrary 3rd that OM and your wife "broke up" because he was shocked that she was still sleeping with you??

[aliveagain]

Did you and your wife tell the other betrayed spouse about the affair? She should have the same rights as you in deciding if their marriage is worth saving. You had posted that O/M left his wife for yours, you can't believe everything you are told by a liar. Remember, your the prize in all of this and she should be fighting for you not the other way around. Don't sell yourself short.

[BlueIris]

And this may be an isolated case, but I believe that you need to do what your heart tells you to do.

 

I believe the same and think that this is a good way to live.

 

I really hope things work out for you two.

[Trotters]

I believe the same and think that this is a good way to live.

 

I really hope things work out for you two.

 

 

I too am hearing staying means more to the WS than leaving. It shows the WS that the BS is a better person???.

[BlueIris]

I too am hearing staying means more to the WS than leaving. It shows the WS that the BS is a better person???.

 

I don't understand what you mean. Speaking only for myself, living from your heart means being true to yourself- the opposite of comparing or proving anything to anyone. JMO

[merrmeade]

Look, I have 5 mins to say this before I must get ready for my adorable family to come over for brunch - the reason for my R. HOWEVER...

 

...and this is incontrovertible: If I had it to do all over again, knowing the sh-t I've swallowed, here's what I wish I'd done at the point you're in and what I unequivocally advise for you, OP:

 

- GET MAD.

I can't say this enough or strongly enough. You have every right and, believe me, you are mad. You need to let 'er rip NOW, not later, for your sake and if there's any hope of R. And I don't mean, get abusive or crazy. Just feel that anger and what should follow will follow. Everything they're telling you here will come naturally. You don't freaking owe her.

 

Right now, you're just trying to keep her and 'fix' things. You won't this way. She'll be partially remorseful maybe but resentful. Get mad, turn away, get your life in order and MAKE HER WORK for your approval. If you beg, if you hope, if you let her call the plays, then even if she comes back it will be a mess for a long time and not worth it. It is not reconcilation or saving your marriage. No, get mad and stay there. Believe me, it's there. You just need to find it and show it.

 

If you acknowledge your injury, get mad with purpose (without loss of self-control), you will be saner and stronger in the long run and it's the only way she will BELIEVE that she just might lose it all.

Edited February 15, 2015 by merrmeade

[merrmeade]

forgot the other half.

 

-BE SAD.

Get mad and be sad. Don't hide your anger or grief. You are grieving. Let yourself. Be there in the depths of the loss of everythibg you held dear. Cry, Sob. IT will shift over to anger and you will be emotinoally labile for a while.

[lolablue17]

Thank you for the update. I really appreciate that, and I wish you all the happiness in the world.

 

No one could tell the future, so listen to your heart is a good way of living. Good luck!